imallright

I struggle with letting go vs. giving up. Intellectually, I get that whatever is going to happen is going to happen and that I can't control it, but I struggle with the pain of "if I do nothing to change a situation then I am in the same spot." I know I have to take care of me and I can change how I react, respond, etc. but... do I continue to reach out and continue to get a reaction I don't want or do I simply stop doing and let the world go where it may???

Add the whole issue of addcition and the insanity it causes the equation and then I really get upside down. : (

Ideas, thoughts, support????

kingston

I keep this posted on my fridge and a copy in my journal, perhaps it might help you? K.

To 'let go' does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To 'let go' is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.

To 'let go' is not to enable.
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To 'let go' is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To 'let go' is not to try to change or blame another,
It's to make the most of myself.

To 'let go' is not to 'care for',
but to 'care about'.

To 'let go' is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To 'let go' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To 'let go' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To 'let go' is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.

To 'let go' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To 'let go' is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To 'let go' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To 'let go' is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To 'let go' is to fear less,
and to love more.
__________________

Ann

My sponsor was the first to tell me the phrase "If I can't change my circumstance, then let me change my attitude".

That was a big part of acceptance, for me. Instead of trying to change the unchangeable, my son, I could change "me". I found my own meetings and my own program and began learning how to live better, regardless of how my addict was doing.

It took time, it took a lot of baby steps, but once I changed my attitude and worked on my recovery instead of his addiction, the world became a better place for all of us.

I have never given up hope for my son, I keep hope in a little place in my heart in between faith and love. My candle of hope is rekindled every day when I listen to addicts a few forums up who share how they found recovery, and in my job at a rehab where I watch addicts come in tired and beaten and then become healthy and clear headed as they too begin their recovery.

After all the pain I have been through, the gift was that I have learned to live my life well, to see the beauty in each day...all because I changed my attitude.

May you find the same peace today, and regardless of your circumstance, may you see the blessings that fill your life. Life itself is a blessing when we learn to live it well.

Hugs

jerect

(((((imallright)))))

I struggle with this a lot too..

I will never give up hope when it comes to my AH.. I will always hope that he will overcome his demons and live a happy and peaceful life... Reading posts here on SR from our RA's gives me that hope..

However, I have had to let go of my expectations.. I have had to surrender this disease to my HP and to let the chips fall where they may or rather where they are supposed to at this given moment.

Like you, I have a lot of trouble just leaving things alone.. I think the lack of control over the situation leaves me feeling somewhat uncomfortable.. but really and trully, I never had control over the situation in the first place and trying to control other people, places and things leaves me exhausted..

It has taken me months to fully understand the first three steps.. and most days I have to go back and revisit them a couple of times a day in order to get myself to a position where I feel like it's ok to let go and let God..

Here's how I interperate the first 3 steps..

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. Here is where I admit that I'm powerless over my AH's disease as well as other people, places and things.. I have allowed my life to become unmanageable due to the fact that I want things to work on my terms and not on lifes terms

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. This is where my HP, in my case GOD, comes into play.. There is something out there greater then myself that is calling the shots.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. This was the hardest part for me... turning my will and my life as well as the life of my addict over to the care of God... for so long I thought I was doing a pretty good job of taking care of myself.. and I certainly thought I knew what was best for my addict... that was crazy thinking.. I was controling, I worried constantly about things that I couldent control and I kept thinking if only my AH would do this, and he should be working his recovery this way... man what a mess that was.. so I got to the point where I just hit bottom and knew that I could not live life on my terms anymore... I started asking God to do his will in my life and in the life of my AH.. It was then that I could truly let go and accept that everything that is happening is my HP's will.. he has a purpose and a reason for things being the way they are..

I hope this helps

cece1960

(((imallright))))
I will never "let go" of love and hope for my son. But I have "let go" of my responsibility for his behavior...and the outcomes.
Prior to this, all my questions, reprimands, interference, ranting and ultimatums changed nothing. And that made me a very angry sad person, and not the person I want to be.

I now try very hard to live my own life, while he figures out his life. And I trust that his HP has a plan, even if it differs from what I would have planned.

I think this is the closest I've ever been to true unconditional love.

(((Hugs)))

siouxb

I am the mom of a 22 year old daugther who has been struggling with drugs and alcohol for a number of years. In the last three weeks she has totalled my car, been arrested for DUI and tried to commit suicide (On Thanksgiving). She was recently released from a mental facility and says she realizes her life is not near as bad as she thinks it is and is intent on leading her life like she should. She went to her first NA meeting last night and had very positive feed back. I was finally beginning to feel some relief from the twisted stomach I had for months until I found out that after the meeting a group went to the local pizza parlor and had a beer with the pizza. In the past I would have ranted and raved, but now I just don't know how to respond. I got really quiet and the twisted stomach came back. I know it does no good to preach and as MOM nothing I say or do seems to have an impact. I want to support my daughter and help her find her way but I am tired of suffering through this, feeling sick all the time. I try very hard to let go and let god, but constantly being subjected to this is like emotional abuse. Any ideas you have would be greatly appreciated.

cessy68

Your post is the hardest thing for me to deal with as well.....

For me, I have decided that if letting goes eventually mean "giving up"- then so be it. What will be will be. I have decided that if I let go, and he destroys himself, he would have regardless. I have decided that if I let go, and he fixes himself- that perhaps he won't need/want me anymore, Well, so be that too. I decided that if I let go and I fall out of love with him, Then so be it.

I decided that no matter what the outcome, letting go is hard, but hanging on is only complicating things, and it is unhealthy. Let go, be free in your heart, and what will be - is EXACTLY how things were meant to be for YOU!!!

Hugs,
Cessy

outtolunch

Cessy, I sincerely thank you for one of the most honest and powerful statements I have read on this forum.

Getting honest about our real fears is a huge part of letting go.

imallright

Cessy... Ok, I hear you, but I guess again that I don't know what that means. My AH is out of my house and I am not trying to fix that anymore... BUT the fallout... the kids not wanting to spend time with me, etc. is killing me. Is it the same when it's not actually addiction that I am trying to "fix"? Do I as a Mom, simply let go... and what does that mean in Mom terms... and let the kids figure out Dad's issues on their own????

Hope I am not too far off topic... but it all stems from the **mn drugs!!!!!

hello-kitty

I work in a hospital and this poem is on the wall of our cancer treatment center -by Emily Dickenson. It touches my heart everytime I read it.

Hope is the thing with feathers
-by Emily Dickenson

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Hope asks nothing. It just exists. It doesn't require someone to change. It lives in your heart. You can only really experience hope, when you stop trying to control the outcome and accept things as they are.

bluebelle

Thanks for this discussion today! This, and the discussion from The Language of Letting Go have really helped me!