Language of Letting Go - Dec. 5 - Difficult People
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Language of Letting Go - Dec. 5 - Difficult People
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Difficult People
Few things can make us feel crazier than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give. Few things can frustrate us more than trying to make a person someone he or she isn't; we feel crazy when we try to pretend that person is someone he or she is not. We may have spent years negotiating with reality concerning particular people from our past and our present. We may have spent years trying to get someone to love us in a certain way, when that person cannot or will not.
It is time to let it go. It is time to let him or her go. That doesn't mean we can't love that person anymore. It means that we will feel the immense relief that comes when we stop denying reality and begin accepting. We release that person to be who he or she actually is. We stop trying to make that person be someone he or she is not. We deal with our feelings and walk away from the destructive system.
We learn to love and care differently in a way that takes reality into account.
We enter into a relationship with that person on new terms - taking our needs and ourselves into account. If a person is addicted to alcohol, other drugs, misery, or other people, we let go of his or her addiction; we take our hands off it. We give his or her life back. And we, in the process, are given our life and freedom in return.
We stop letting what we are not getting from that person control us. We take responsibility for our life. We go ahead with the process of loving and taking care of ourselves.
We decide how we want to interact with that person, taking reality and our own best interests into account. We get angry, we feel hurt, but we land in a place of forgiveness. We set him or her free, and we become set free from bondage.
This is the heart of detaching in love.
Today, I will work at detaching in love from troublesome people in my life. I will strive to accept reality in my relationships. I will give myself permission to take care of myself in my relationships, with emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual freedom for both people as my goal.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Difficult People
Few things can make us feel crazier than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give. Few things can frustrate us more than trying to make a person someone he or she isn't; we feel crazy when we try to pretend that person is someone he or she is not. We may have spent years negotiating with reality concerning particular people from our past and our present. We may have spent years trying to get someone to love us in a certain way, when that person cannot or will not.
It is time to let it go. It is time to let him or her go. That doesn't mean we can't love that person anymore. It means that we will feel the immense relief that comes when we stop denying reality and begin accepting. We release that person to be who he or she actually is. We stop trying to make that person be someone he or she is not. We deal with our feelings and walk away from the destructive system.
We learn to love and care differently in a way that takes reality into account.
We enter into a relationship with that person on new terms - taking our needs and ourselves into account. If a person is addicted to alcohol, other drugs, misery, or other people, we let go of his or her addiction; we take our hands off it. We give his or her life back. And we, in the process, are given our life and freedom in return.
We stop letting what we are not getting from that person control us. We take responsibility for our life. We go ahead with the process of loving and taking care of ourselves.
We decide how we want to interact with that person, taking reality and our own best interests into account. We get angry, we feel hurt, but we land in a place of forgiveness. We set him or her free, and we become set free from bondage.
This is the heart of detaching in love.
Today, I will work at detaching in love from troublesome people in my life. I will strive to accept reality in my relationships. I will give myself permission to take care of myself in my relationships, with emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual freedom for both people as my goal.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Few things can make us feel crazier than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give.
Sometimes the words that free us most are the ones that jab us in the stomach when we read them. The truth hurts sometimes, but it is still the truth and worth learning from.
Clarity often comes with one little sentence, and once I understood these words my life and recovery became easier.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Thank you, Ann. For sharing your "light" and sharing this wisdom. I will try to hold onto this thought in regards to my son. I think I remember this revelation with my exAH. 
It is time for me to just love my son for who he is, to detach in that love, and to let go of expectations once again. Happy holidays!
It is time for me to just love my son for who he is, to detach in that love, and to let go of expectations once again. Happy holidays!
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by peaceteach 
It is time for me to just love my son for who he is, to detach in that love, and to let go of expectations once again.
Oh, Peaceteach, what a hard thing that is to do, and yet I know that when I reached the point where you are, and could actually accept reality without giving up hope, how freeing it was to just love my son for the person he was, warts and all. That's when my anger and fear turned into compassion and faith and my life became so much calmer and the load so much lighter as I let go.
Thank you for the reminder and for sharing your light.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Thanks for posting this Ann. One of the best/more important things that I have done for myself is accepting my AH for who he is NOT what I thought he was. In doing this I've been able to forgive not only him but me and let go of all the anger and bitterness that was consuming my life.
I'm in place now of such tranquility and peace and thank my HP every day. My AH is not part of my life and never will be. I hope and pray that he finds true sobriety and happiness one day - but that's up to him - he is who he is.
K.
I'm in place now of such tranquility and peace and thank my HP every day. My AH is not part of my life and never will be. I hope and pray that he finds true sobriety and happiness one day - but that's up to him - he is who he is.
K.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
My life has been put on hold for years waiting for people in my life to change, thank God I finally get it that its not my problem or job to help them or change them. I too need to love them where they are at and just work on myself and accept people and things just the way they are. Acceptance is everything, thats the only way I can have peace each day and live my life the way my higher power wants me to. I just went through a few days where I was full of fear and not accepting things, but I feel I am back on track now, thank goodness. I think its a choice everyday we have to take.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Here's the part that really spoke to me:
This morning, as I was driving Trevor to the bus stop, to look for a job, he began crying. I asked what was the matter. He just sobbed, and said he doesn't see a way out.
He went to a counselor who said the number 1 issue in getting a job was transportation. He has no liscense and no car. And no way to get one. He has no place to live. His dad and I both live in the boondocks; no busses come by for miles of where either of us live. Staying with either of us doesn't work. And he just sees himself stealing to get anything at all accomplished, and ending back up in the prison.
And he cried.
And I felt so helpless.
He's 28. His record is as long as his arm. He has no possibility of getting a decent job; heck, any job really, in this economy. RI has the dubious fame of having the highest unemployment rate in the country. With his track record, he'll be the last one to be hired. That's not fatalistic; it's just realistic.
I dropped him off at the bus. I was to pick him up at his counseling session after 4. He left a note, saying he had to go somewhere, and would call me later. At least he made it to his counseling session!
I don't know how he'll get home. It's on him. I was where I was supposed to be, when I was supposed to be. Once more, he changed plans without notice. So, he'll have to figure out how to fix the problem he created; how to get home.
He's a grown man now. And I will respect his ability to figure this one out himself. Even if the bus stop is miles away. I've let go, with love.
Shalom!
We decide how we want to interact with that person, taking reality and our own best interests into account. We get angry, we feel hurt, but we land in a place of forgiveness. We set him or her free, and we become set free from bondage.
This is the heart of detaching in love.
This is the heart of detaching in love.
He went to a counselor who said the number 1 issue in getting a job was transportation. He has no liscense and no car. And no way to get one. He has no place to live. His dad and I both live in the boondocks; no busses come by for miles of where either of us live. Staying with either of us doesn't work. And he just sees himself stealing to get anything at all accomplished, and ending back up in the prison.
And he cried.
And I felt so helpless.
He's 28. His record is as long as his arm. He has no possibility of getting a decent job; heck, any job really, in this economy. RI has the dubious fame of having the highest unemployment rate in the country. With his track record, he'll be the last one to be hired. That's not fatalistic; it's just realistic.
I dropped him off at the bus. I was to pick him up at his counseling session after 4. He left a note, saying he had to go somewhere, and would call me later. At least he made it to his counseling session!
I don't know how he'll get home. It's on him. I was where I was supposed to be, when I was supposed to be. Once more, he changed plans without notice. So, he'll have to figure out how to fix the problem he created; how to get home.
He's a grown man now. And I will respect his ability to figure this one out himself. Even if the bus stop is miles away. I've let go, with love.
Shalom!
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