Second Rehab...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: West Chester, PA
Posts: 6
Second Rehab...
My boyfriend Rick and I have been together 13 months yesterday and so far this year, he has been to two treatment centers to become clean from a list of drugs. I remember in April when he was in rehab and how lonely I felt because he was the main person I talked to throughout the day. Now I am determined to not feel lonely and sad while he is in rehab for his second time and hopefully last time. It's just hard when you only get a phone call a couple times a week!! He just left Sunday night and I have already cried at least once a day. I am hoping to really connect with you all and hear more of your stories of recovering loved ones to keep me strong.
Exciting news though! He called me today while in detox for a little over 10 minutes. He sounded great and really enthused to be there which was awesome to hear. I am scared though of when he gets out...What can I do this time to help? Here are some of the factors that I think played a part in his relapse besides himself just choosing to do so...
1. Little to no family support
2. All of his friends use drugs and these friends have been his friends since elementary school
3. He said to himself, "I'm only 20 years old! I just want to have fun like other 20 year olds! Why do I have to do this now??" Which is a reason I sometimes struggle with defending even though I never drink or have ever used drugs but I know how the typical 20 year old college student is!
4. He is somewhat of a hippie and looks up to drug addicted musicians...loves the Beatles, bob dylan, bob marley, jimy hendrix...
5. Had nothing to occupy his free time..he worked 12:30pm to 9pm at a grocery store and had nothing really to do in his free time
6. It was easier to give up than to battle everyday
7. Lives with parents so he had so much extra money and nothing really to spend it on!
8. Didn't really form any good friendships in outpatient and eventually got discharged and stopped going entirely.
Can anyone PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me with solutions to some of these problems he faced after rehab in April which eventually led to his relapse 40 days later? I appreciate this more than you know!! THANK YOU!!!!
Exciting news though! He called me today while in detox for a little over 10 minutes. He sounded great and really enthused to be there which was awesome to hear. I am scared though of when he gets out...What can I do this time to help? Here are some of the factors that I think played a part in his relapse besides himself just choosing to do so...
1. Little to no family support
2. All of his friends use drugs and these friends have been his friends since elementary school
3. He said to himself, "I'm only 20 years old! I just want to have fun like other 20 year olds! Why do I have to do this now??" Which is a reason I sometimes struggle with defending even though I never drink or have ever used drugs but I know how the typical 20 year old college student is!
4. He is somewhat of a hippie and looks up to drug addicted musicians...loves the Beatles, bob dylan, bob marley, jimy hendrix...
5. Had nothing to occupy his free time..he worked 12:30pm to 9pm at a grocery store and had nothing really to do in his free time
6. It was easier to give up than to battle everyday
7. Lives with parents so he had so much extra money and nothing really to spend it on!
8. Didn't really form any good friendships in outpatient and eventually got discharged and stopped going entirely.
Can anyone PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me with solutions to some of these problems he faced after rehab in April which eventually led to his relapse 40 days later? I appreciate this more than you know!! THANK YOU!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
Cynical one is right. Recovery has to be done by the addict (I'm a recovering addict and a recovering codie(codependent). Stopping using the drugs is the easy part. It's learning to live life without picking them back up, that takes work.
We each find our own path to recovery..12-step meetings, counseling, other types of support groups are just some of the choices he has. The thing is, this is something HE has to do. Addiction is a lifelong disease, but we can choose recovery at any time.
The best thing YOU can do is focus on you. The more secure you are in your own life, the better partner you are in a relationship...especially when an addict is involved. I used to get so wrapped up in the man I was with, I would literally lose myself. Believe me, that's no way to live a life.
While he's working on him, work on you. Do things you enjoy, think of where you want to be in 5 years and what you can do to get there. I'm NOT saying leave him or take him out of the picture. I'm just focus on what you can control...you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Cynical one is right. Recovery has to be done by the addict (I'm a recovering addict and a recovering codie(codependent). Stopping using the drugs is the easy part. It's learning to live life without picking them back up, that takes work.
We each find our own path to recovery..12-step meetings, counseling, other types of support groups are just some of the choices he has. The thing is, this is something HE has to do. Addiction is a lifelong disease, but we can choose recovery at any time.
The best thing YOU can do is focus on you. The more secure you are in your own life, the better partner you are in a relationship...especially when an addict is involved. I used to get so wrapped up in the man I was with, I would literally lose myself. Believe me, that's no way to live a life.
While he's working on him, work on you. Do things you enjoy, think of where you want to be in 5 years and what you can do to get there. I'm NOT saying leave him or take him out of the picture. I'm just focus on what you can control...you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: West Chester, PA
Posts: 6
You are all so incredible. Your words have really moved me to begin focusing on me again. I am going to a nar-anon meeting tonight in my area which I am very nervous about because I'm typically a shy person. I just want to say THANK YOU!! I'm making a list of the things I like to do so I can work on me now because honestly I felt for a while that I was his mother and I took care of him more than myself. That time is over now and I am looking toward a bright future for myself and Rick's recovery. Thank you to all.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Nicole... My heart goes out to you because I think being in love with an addict is one of the most painful relationships there is..
I would take the time that he is spending in rehab and focus on you and what is important to you when it comes to this relationship..
I see your list of things that worry you about your bf and I understand where you are coming from because a year ago I had that same list for my husband.. however, it is totally up to your BF to stay clean.. he is the one that must change his playgrounds, his playmates and his playthings... he has to want to make the change because he is sick and tired of the way he is living his life..he has to do this for himself and himself only..
You ask what you can do for yourself; Get yourself into some alanon or naranon meetings...those meetings have literally saved my sanity.. Support him in his recovery but also keep your hands out of his recovery and focus on yours..
I would take the time that he is spending in rehab and focus on you and what is important to you when it comes to this relationship..
I see your list of things that worry you about your bf and I understand where you are coming from because a year ago I had that same list for my husband.. however, it is totally up to your BF to stay clean.. he is the one that must change his playgrounds, his playmates and his playthings... he has to want to make the change because he is sick and tired of the way he is living his life..he has to do this for himself and himself only..
You ask what you can do for yourself; Get yourself into some alanon or naranon meetings...those meetings have literally saved my sanity.. Support him in his recovery but also keep your hands out of his recovery and focus on yours..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Darlin if you were my daughter i would tell you that life is too short to spend with an addict. This is going to be blunt and tough but you dont have to go down this path and you should think long and hard. I cannot change the mistakes I made in my life but I feel so strongly about telling my story to young women in the hopes that they can avoid some of the pitfalls or at least be aware of what they are about to encounter.
Its hard enough getting through the trials of this world without having someone beside you that you have to babysit. My son is exactly like your BF - 1/2 the posters on his walls show people who have died from overdose - what great role models. Live like a rockstar - die like a rockstar choking on your own vomit.
Yes that's harsh to say but I for one get really fed up with the silliness that young men have over the so called glamourous life of rock stars. Is this what you want - more than that is this what you deserve? You sound like a caring and loving person - tell him to get his life together and then you'll see whether you want to spend it with him. I absolutely adore my son's first and only girlfriend but i would tell her to stay away from him in a heartbeat because he will drain her and steal her youth. She is a beautiful young woman inside and out and he doesnt deserve her.
My mother told me once that there were many men she could have fallen in love had she not met my dad. I've always taken those words to heart - there are many men i could fall in love with - but i have the option to "choose" who i give my heart to. There are so many wonderful men in the world who are responsible, loving, fun, handsome, and anything else you may want. Read through the posts on here and see if the things that these women and men are going through are a life that you want. Maybe your's wont get that bad but then again why would you want to take a chance with the only life you have - yours. The sexiest, most intelligent, most fun, most charismatic man I ever had a relationship with was an addict and living with him was pure hell. Our son together is handsome, fun, charismatic, intelligent and again an addict and pure hell to live with.
Its hard enough getting through the trials of this world without having someone beside you that you have to babysit. My son is exactly like your BF - 1/2 the posters on his walls show people who have died from overdose - what great role models. Live like a rockstar - die like a rockstar choking on your own vomit.
Yes that's harsh to say but I for one get really fed up with the silliness that young men have over the so called glamourous life of rock stars. Is this what you want - more than that is this what you deserve? You sound like a caring and loving person - tell him to get his life together and then you'll see whether you want to spend it with him. I absolutely adore my son's first and only girlfriend but i would tell her to stay away from him in a heartbeat because he will drain her and steal her youth. She is a beautiful young woman inside and out and he doesnt deserve her.
My mother told me once that there were many men she could have fallen in love had she not met my dad. I've always taken those words to heart - there are many men i could fall in love with - but i have the option to "choose" who i give my heart to. There are so many wonderful men in the world who are responsible, loving, fun, handsome, and anything else you may want. Read through the posts on here and see if the things that these women and men are going through are a life that you want. Maybe your's wont get that bad but then again why would you want to take a chance with the only life you have - yours. The sexiest, most intelligent, most fun, most charismatic man I ever had a relationship with was an addict and living with him was pure hell. Our son together is handsome, fun, charismatic, intelligent and again an addict and pure hell to live with.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: West Chester, PA
Posts: 6
Again, I can't thank you all enough for your support. I am learning and growing more everyday from reading your entries. They are incredible strengths to keep me going. THANK YOU all from the bottom of my heart.
Love,
Nicole
Love,
Nicole
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Your list in your post appears as if you are trying to take some ownership in protecting your BF from addiction and relapse. This is what we call co-dependent behavior.
Instead of fretting about his life that is out of control can you imagine focusing on all of the things you can accomplish as well as how you can live a healthy life as a young woman?
Be all that you can be. Healthy mature people ATTRACT healthy mature mates.
If BF is an addict he prob. has similar traits of most addicts: immaturity, lies, selfishness,
stuck, preoccupation with negative anti-establishment ideas, etc.
Bravo and good for him that he is willing to go to rehab again. Let him go. He has lots of work to do, by himself.
They recommend recovering addicts not be in a relationship for a yr. anyway.
My 24 yr. old son is in his 3rd rehab. He's been at this one for 9 mos. now. He is definitely not ready for a relationship.
The girlfriend he had for 3 yrs. before this treatment eventually felt like she was with a 15 yr. old child as she matured and he did not.
She couldn't depend on him or respect him.
What you might want to be figuring out is how YOU can Be all that You can BE and what you want for your life.
Just something to think about....
Many yrs. ago I was married to a man involved with drugs. WHAT A MISTAKE...biggest one I ever made.
Instead of fretting about his life that is out of control can you imagine focusing on all of the things you can accomplish as well as how you can live a healthy life as a young woman?
Be all that you can be. Healthy mature people ATTRACT healthy mature mates.
If BF is an addict he prob. has similar traits of most addicts: immaturity, lies, selfishness,
stuck, preoccupation with negative anti-establishment ideas, etc.
Bravo and good for him that he is willing to go to rehab again. Let him go. He has lots of work to do, by himself.
They recommend recovering addicts not be in a relationship for a yr. anyway.
My 24 yr. old son is in his 3rd rehab. He's been at this one for 9 mos. now. He is definitely not ready for a relationship.
The girlfriend he had for 3 yrs. before this treatment eventually felt like she was with a 15 yr. old child as she matured and he did not.
She couldn't depend on him or respect him.
What you might want to be figuring out is how YOU can Be all that You can BE and what you want for your life.
Just something to think about....
Many yrs. ago I was married to a man involved with drugs. WHAT A MISTAKE...biggest one I ever made.
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