peaceteach

I'm sad today. Today is my son's 25th birthday. I had such amazing plans 25years ago when I gave birth to that little blonde haired, blue-eyed boy. Today, my birthday gift consisted of meeting him at a gas station to fill up his car. What kind of "gift" is that? What happened to a new outfit, new shoes, luggage, dinner out? It all seemed so sad, so pathetic. This person he is, this person he seems to want to be, is not someone I like really, nor someone I would choose as a friend or family member. His words, his demeanor, his dress, his actions, are all so unfamiliar with how I raised him, how the rest of my family thinks and acts and lives. I try so hard to not be judgmental, but really, we are getting to be so different from one another that I don't see us being together that much in the future, which again, just breaks my heart. Like he is a stranger, not my son, not my little boy whom I gave birth to 25 years ago. It makes me wish to go back, to do it all over, to find that moment when he started this cross over into drugs and alcohol, and try to prevent this path he is choosing.

Just kind of sad today. I envisioned a 25 year old son to be so different back then, so much farther ahead, and not at all the guy I met at the gas station today. Makes me cry.

Live

I understand and I am so sorry.

Troubledone

peaceteach -

My niece (who has actually been like a daughter to me the past 6 years) was 27 this past July. Over that time, most of her birthdays, my birthdays and major holidays have had the same kind of sadness as you describe.

I used to feel so sad and embarrassed when co-workers would talk about thier kids, nieces or nephews accomplishments because I didn't even want to bring up my niece (whom I love despite everything) Her journey with drugs went through abuse, dealing, threats on her life and ended with felony conviction. Not at all what I hoped for her.

The solace I take these days is that I have learned to love her, even when I don't like her at all. I read somewhere that compassion is doing what is best in a situation that is not-self referential. For me that meant respecting her choices, setting boundaries and letting go of my expectations or hopes for her - because those hopes were mine, not hers.

Right now she's in jail and I visit her. I expect Christmas will be hard as was Thanksgiving. I visit her and listen to her, noting her progress and noting the ideas and values she has that I know won't bring her happiness. I just go so she knows I love her no matter what, I love her when I say no and when I say yes to her requests. I listen to her and if she wants my opinion I give it. I encourage what is positive and compassionately tell my truth when it seems appropriate.

In the end I believe those of us who have children or young people who we love that get into this kind of trouble were sent to us because we have the capacity to learn how to love them as life gives them thier lessons.

I don't believe there is anything a parent could do to stop a child from doing drugs if they are inclined. There are stories of people who grew up in horrible circustances who avoided this trap and those with perfect upbringings who didn't. Sometimes, it is easier for me to imagine that I might have been able to prevent it than to accept that I have no control over much of what happens in life. I have control only over what I do. And the most powerful thing I can do is learn how to love people despite thier shortcoming and even as I set boundaries for thier benefit and mine.

I pray that you and - really all of us - who love children who struggle with addiction can learn to love them no matter where their journey takes them. It it the hardest task I have ever undertaken, and yet I think it is the most worthwhile. In the end I believe that's all we can do.

God Bless... may you find peace on this journey and may your son return to you soon in a way that gladdens your heart - and if he cannot, I pray that the value of both your suffering and that of your son is revealed to you.

Impurrfect

awww, sweetie, I'm sorry you're having such a hard day. All I can tell you is there were a few birthdays my dad didn't know if I was dead or alive. It was even harder on him, because his birthday is the day before mine.

I pray that he finds recovery, but in the meantime, I'm sending you big hugs and prayers!

Amy

marle

I totally understand the feeling. Two years ago when my daughter turned 21 I did not even get her a gift as she was so deep in her addiction that she was unreachable. Last year when she turned 22 I called and wished her a Happy Birthday. I had found compassion for her suffering. I absolutely knew that she did not want to be where she was but the fear of her giving up a life that she had known for so long was really scary to her. Shortly after her birthday is when she decided to go to rehab. The day she called was no different than any other. She just celebrated 6 months clean on Thanksgiving. I, too, had wanted a better life for her but I realize that she has many more years to live and she can still have a good life. Things that I had hoped for in the past are no longer important to me. That she lives to see another day is all that counts right now. Should she relapse, I know that I will forever be grateful for reconnecting to her for these months. It gives me hope that no matter how far she will fall, that she can always come back. Your son is still in there and I pray that someday you will see him again. Hugs, Marle

Ann

(((Peaceteach)))

I know, it's hard, especially on birthdays.

Your son is in my prayers and in God's hands and miracles do happen. I pray your son gets his.

Hugs from this mom's heart to yours.

chickenlady

Oh, honey. I'm so sorry it's not what you dreamed it would be. Hold onto that dream and pray he gets out of this life style he's in right now. My kids are 14, 15 and 16 and I pray everyday that they will stay happy and healthy. Remember, you can only influence their lives until they are adults, after that, they make their own decisions; not being any fault of yours! :praying

mooselips

Sorry you're sad.
We have the highest of expectations for our children,
and it hurts when their path is not what we had in mind.


I've been where you are.
Still am with my oldest.

Miracles happen, have faith.
Somedays my faith dwindles a bit, but I
know there's a plan I know nothing about.


Hugs.......

AquaBlue

Big hugs to you peaceteach. I'm so sorry for your sadness. Just remember that you are not alone. I, for one, can completely feel and relate to your pain. Like you, I try to not be judgmental and realize that this is the path my son has chosen, but yet my heart breaks. I would have never imagined, in my worst nightmares, that I would have an addicted son.

Having said that, I love mooselips last paragraph! I also hold onto my faith, put my son in God's hands and trust that He has a plan for all of us- even if we don't fully understand.

Just remember you are not alone in your pain.

Spiritual Seeker

I can relate...I know the sadness you feel this week.
Sometimes we just have to feel it

Some do recover...keep the faith

baxter

Hugs! Birthdays seem to bring it all home. Remembering holding that little bundle of joy and all the dreams we had for them. I too wonder if my AD ever does seek recovery if there could ever be any relationship between us again. So much time has passed and so many everyday things have gone by that it will be like two strangers meeting.

Hugs

historyteach

(((Peaceteach)))

I understand.
And I'm so sorry that you are hurting.

No one knows if your son or mine, or any of our children will find their way.
We grieve for our hopes and plans and dreams that we had once for them.
Dreams that are now gone.

But, dreams are always illusions, as are hopes.
And plans are nothing without actions to back them up.
And of course, we cannot make plans for others.
That's the codies curse, isn't it?

I often feel an estrangement between my son and myself.
His behaviors, his values are alien to me,
and I do not understand them.

Then again, I guess it is not mine to understand.
He's my son.
I love him.
That's enough.

So, I continue to take care of myself, day after day.
And I try not to give up before the miracle happens.

Please be gentle with yourself.

Shalom!

ctrom40

Peaceteach,

I also understand how you feel.

We had so many dreams for our children, but they were our dreams, not theirs.

May your son find his dreams soon.

Hugs,

winnie12

Next week I will be going through the same thing. My son will turn 16 and is in jail. I look back at photos of him when he was little and had his life ahead of him and i have a hard time accepting that this bright eyed, funny, smart little boy is nothing but a shadow of himself. I saw a spunky little boy about 5 years old in a restaurant the other day - he came up to my table and started talking gibberish to me. I wanted to pick up that little boy and hug him just so i could have a glimpse of what used to be. I got a tear in my eye but it was good becuase it helped me to remember how much i do love my son. When they are little we dream for them but when they get older they have to start dreaming for themselves - unfortunately it seems that our sons' dreams are their mothers' nightmares.

HurtingDad

Peachteach,

Like all the others here I know your pain, it's one we feel to some degree every day, but events like Thanksgiving, Birthdays, etc. make the pain everyone worse.

As someone mentioned here, there has been daya when I didn't know if my AS was alive or dead, so now at least that's an improvement.

Take care of yourself, take a deep breath and think of the HP. I know that at times that isn't enough...it's just so tiring.

Prayers to you and your son.

katie44

I am so sorry you are in such pain. Birthday's and holidays are especially difficult. As a parent I don't think any of us thought this is where we would be.(((( hugs))))

Chino

Sending you hugs and prayers.

BBD

Sending you hugs and prayers that someday "You" and your son can resume the life you need.......there is always HOPE!!! that I will never give up on. HUgs, Bonnie

sleepygoat

Birthdays and other holidays bring it all into the spotlight and they are harder than the "normal" days. I think about 'what if I could go back in time" sometimes too. Yet every scenario would end the same, I know, because the disease was in my AD all along. I could not have changed that fact. However, I still have faith and trust in a Higher Power that is loving, caring, and greater than the disease of addiction.

My AD is currently not talking to me (again). A relationship with a using addict is very difficult to say the least. The only reason I keep her in my life at all is because she's my child and I will always love her. NOT because I like her, and certainly NOT because she adds anything to my life!! Not now; but I still have hope for the future.

Keep praying, peaceteach; here's to a better birthday for him (and you) next year.