So frustrated!!!!!
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So frustrated!!!!!
I need to get this out.....Today was kinda bad...
On sunday my ex called me and asked if I could bring the babies snow pants to his house on Monday when I dropped her off. I said yes. He said that they were in the hall closet he saw them there when he was packing his stuff. End of conversation.
Went home looked for snow pants. No snow pants. Then I noticed that alot of his stuff was still in the closet. So I started boxing up his stuff and putting the boxes in my van.
Monday morning I drop baby off. I say that I cleaned out the closet and boxed up the rest of his stuff and that its in the back. I also looked for the snow pants and could not find them. He says well they are there I saw them. He is pissed I can tell. Mutters under his breath. I told him that I cleaned out the whole closet and found no snow pants. He starts taking his stuff out of the back of my van and needs to look in each box as he is taking it out as if I am keeping something of his....
Thought that that would be the end of it. Then today he says AGAIN to bring the snow pants for the baby the next day. He also said I needed to call the doc and get her a new nebulizer, cause he broke the other one when he dropped it, and I told him that his brother in law had fixed it and it was at his house. I thought he could pick it up when he stopped over there. Tried to explain that to him and right away he starts in with the snow pants. Well how can I go anywhere if I dont have snow pants for the baby. Cant take the baby outside without the snow pants.....And if that is not the worst of it he sees his old snow brush for the car and TAKES IT!!! How freakin petty is that???? He doesnt even have a car....
I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!!!! This is so stupid. And these are the types of conversations that used to put me over the edge when he lived here. DRUGS HAVE FRIED HIS HEAD!!!
I try to make a point and somehow I end up walking away thinking/feeling it is my fault. That is the same way I felt when he was here. That is so frustrating that I cant even have a short normal conversation with this man......I later find out that this is very common with the family disease of addiction.
Again I feel like I am on the hamster wheel. And the worst part of it is that here I am frustrated that I can no longer communicate with him and dont see an end in site.
I have been reading about the affects that opiates have on your brain and I was pretty amazed at all the damage they can do but this is just unbelievable that he cant even conversate on the BASIC level. All this was about freakin snow pants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry just had to vent.....
On sunday my ex called me and asked if I could bring the babies snow pants to his house on Monday when I dropped her off. I said yes. He said that they were in the hall closet he saw them there when he was packing his stuff. End of conversation.
Went home looked for snow pants. No snow pants. Then I noticed that alot of his stuff was still in the closet. So I started boxing up his stuff and putting the boxes in my van.
Monday morning I drop baby off. I say that I cleaned out the closet and boxed up the rest of his stuff and that its in the back. I also looked for the snow pants and could not find them. He says well they are there I saw them. He is pissed I can tell. Mutters under his breath. I told him that I cleaned out the whole closet and found no snow pants. He starts taking his stuff out of the back of my van and needs to look in each box as he is taking it out as if I am keeping something of his....
Thought that that would be the end of it. Then today he says AGAIN to bring the snow pants for the baby the next day. He also said I needed to call the doc and get her a new nebulizer, cause he broke the other one when he dropped it, and I told him that his brother in law had fixed it and it was at his house. I thought he could pick it up when he stopped over there. Tried to explain that to him and right away he starts in with the snow pants. Well how can I go anywhere if I dont have snow pants for the baby. Cant take the baby outside without the snow pants.....And if that is not the worst of it he sees his old snow brush for the car and TAKES IT!!! How freakin petty is that???? He doesnt even have a car....
I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!!!! This is so stupid. And these are the types of conversations that used to put me over the edge when he lived here. DRUGS HAVE FRIED HIS HEAD!!!
I try to make a point and somehow I end up walking away thinking/feeling it is my fault. That is the same way I felt when he was here. That is so frustrating that I cant even have a short normal conversation with this man......I later find out that this is very common with the family disease of addiction.
Again I feel like I am on the hamster wheel. And the worst part of it is that here I am frustrated that I can no longer communicate with him and dont see an end in site.
I have been reading about the affects that opiates have on your brain and I was pretty amazed at all the damage they can do but this is just unbelievable that he cant even conversate on the BASIC level. All this was about freakin snow pants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry just had to vent.....
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((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))) This sounds so familiar to me. I can see the confusion on his face, wondering why YOU'RE messing with HIS head, right? And somehow we, the sane and sober ones, start to question our own memories.....
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Originally Posted by anvilhead 
so is it even snowing yet? LOL sorry, not trying to make light, just i've had similar ridiculous conversations before....ok, so the part about taking the car thingie when he doesn't have a car was CLASSIC. just is what it is babe....try to keep conversations to a minimum, use small words - like yes, no, goodbye - and just be really grateful you got to start your "vent" with ...on sunday my EX.....
I guess I am just dumb but what is classic about him taking the car thingie???
Try to use small words and it snow balls into conversations like this...I just get all hyped up when I feel like I am being backed into a corner with NONSENSE!!!
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Originally Posted by imallright
Oh hon, I hear your frustration. Please be sure that baby is safe. Is he active? If you know all is well... then blow off the rest. Remember to focus on you, not what you would like him to do.
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Thanks. I guess in a sense he is unarmed. Its just so frustrating. We never had issues with communication until addiction took ahold of our family. And I spot it sooner then I have in the past because I start to feel this chasing feeling go on inside and it gets me anxious and I just get all freaked out because IT DOESNT HAVE TO BE THIS DAMN HARD to talk to someone. Especially someone that you love and have had a good relationship with before drugs took this person hostage.....
Its just that sometimes I let myself get caught up in how things are NOW.
Its just that sometimes I let myself get caught up in how things are NOW.
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He may also be making a huge deal of things that aren't that big a deal, because he doesn't want to deal with the things that ARE a big deal. Lets get all worked up about the snow pants, so we don't have to talk about my life, okay? Let's talk about ANYTHING other than my life.
Been there, done that. I know it's frustrating, but he just hasn't gotten to the point, yet, where he's ready to deal with the important stuff yet. He's also dealing with getting past the old behavior of "got a problem, take a pill, get high". Now it's "got a problem...ummmmmm". Yes, treatment teaches us new behaviors, but it takes time for us to adapt to them. After all this time, my mind STILL goes to "get high" sometimes..it's just that my recovery brain is quick to jump in and squelch those thoughts.
Hang in there sweetie. Hopefully, you can keep the conversations short, because I think even if you find the snow pants, he will find something else to obsess about.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Been there, done that. I know it's frustrating, but he just hasn't gotten to the point, yet, where he's ready to deal with the important stuff yet. He's also dealing with getting past the old behavior of "got a problem, take a pill, get high". Now it's "got a problem...ummmmmm". Yes, treatment teaches us new behaviors, but it takes time for us to adapt to them. After all this time, my mind STILL goes to "get high" sometimes..it's just that my recovery brain is quick to jump in and squelch those thoughts.
Hang in there sweetie. Hopefully, you can keep the conversations short, because I think even if you find the snow pants, he will find something else to obsess about.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thank you all. Amy I really hear what you are saying. Its seems like all of the little things that our conversations are about are all meaningless and yes you are so right lets talk about stuff that doesnt matter so we dont have to focus on dealing with anything else.
This is the latest in his obsessions of everything else. I see now that this hampster wheel is really me fighting against the fact that he is always trying to make me feel like I did something wrong. Its always turned back on me.
We had a meaningless conversation about child support and he said oh I knew you were gonna do this to me. I said why should all of the expense burden fall on my shoulders? Then right away it went into how I was doing this and I was doing that. ALL ME ME ME. Not ya you know what you are right I will start to help as much as I can. NO of course not why would anyone think that they dont have a financial obligation to their kid.
Drives me nuts thats all. Its not even about being right its about him NEVER taking the responsibility to say yes this is mine or yes its my fault or yes I can do this or that. Makes me sick sometimes.
I am trying to deal with this. Really am trying to move forward but then get stuck on this insignifcant issues. I still am looking for the "old" him. I know it will take time but I just want to have a little more flow in the communication.
Thanks Amy. I got it......
This is the latest in his obsessions of everything else. I see now that this hampster wheel is really me fighting against the fact that he is always trying to make me feel like I did something wrong. Its always turned back on me.
We had a meaningless conversation about child support and he said oh I knew you were gonna do this to me. I said why should all of the expense burden fall on my shoulders? Then right away it went into how I was doing this and I was doing that. ALL ME ME ME. Not ya you know what you are right I will start to help as much as I can. NO of course not why would anyone think that they dont have a financial obligation to their kid.
Drives me nuts thats all. Its not even about being right its about him NEVER taking the responsibility to say yes this is mine or yes its my fault or yes I can do this or that. Makes me sick sometimes.
I am trying to deal with this. Really am trying to move forward but then get stuck on this insignifcant issues. I still am looking for the "old" him. I know it will take time but I just want to have a little more flow in the communication.
Thanks Amy. I got it......
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Cassandra - is there a link to your original story? You and I sound like we are dealing with ALOT of the same things. My AH is clean (or so it seems/he says) we talk daily about the kids etc. I'd like to read your story, but haven't sifted through to find it. Thanks!
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Callie- I have read your posts. Yes, I would agree that we indeed share similar situations. Let me see if I can do this right and this is my first post.....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1946026
I just pasted it not sure if you can click the link but you can copy and past it in your web browser....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1946026
I just pasted it not sure if you can click the link but you can copy and past it in your web browser....
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Callie I just wanted to say that when I first started posting here bv told me to read your post To Callie.....I did and have really wanted to contact you because I wanted to know how things are going with you and your AH now. I was stunned to see that your first post was so long ago......
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Can you just write it down real simple.....instructions for medications, I can't find snow pants, wish I could, but I can't, please buy her a pair to keep at your house to end this problem.
And step back and laugh at the absurdity of his taking the snow wipers.
A sense of humor, if you can detach, helps ever so much. Sometimes it is my lifeline.
And step back and laugh at the absurdity of his taking the snow wipers.
A sense of humor, if you can detach, helps ever so much. Sometimes it is my lifeline.
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(((Cassandra)))
I just wanted to add..when he's obsessing on something trivial, it's not intentional, or at least it wasn't with me. I never even realized I was avoiding reality, by focusing on minor stuff, until I was much further into recovery, so again...don't take it personal, okay?
Live has a good idea, too....just write it down. That way, if he forgets, he's got something to go back to, and you can get out without as much conversation.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I just wanted to add..when he's obsessing on something trivial, it's not intentional, or at least it wasn't with me. I never even realized I was avoiding reality, by focusing on minor stuff, until I was much further into recovery, so again...don't take it personal, okay?
Live has a good idea, too....just write it down. That way, if he forgets, he's got something to go back to, and you can get out without as much conversation.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Give me a break Here is my conspiracy theory...he got rid of the snow pants and is acting like they are the be all end all of everything so he won't have to take her out, go out, do anything, move, function, live because of the stupid snow pants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My XABF used to pull similar stunts. Couldn't find the hair brush so he couldn't bush his hair which meant he was late for work which meant he would get sent home because I LOST the hair brush which was really under the couch because that's where I found it and when he told me I must have put it there to mess with him. Did ya get all that??? yeah....don't miss any of that insanity!
My XABF used to pull similar stunts. Couldn't find the hair brush so he couldn't bush his hair which meant he was late for work which meant he would get sent home because I LOST the hair brush which was really under the couch because that's where I found it and when he told me I must have put it there to mess with him. Did ya get all that??? yeah....don't miss any of that insanity!
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Originally Posted by cassandra2
We had a meaningless conversation about child support and he said oh I knew you were gonna do this to me. I said why should all of the expense burden fall on my shoulders? Then right away it went into how I was doing this and I was doing that. ALL ME ME ME. Not ya you know what you are right I will start to help as much as I can. NO of course not why would anyone think that they dont have a financial obligation to their kid.
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Hey girl- sorry that the battle over the snow pants is stillllllll on.....
Remeber this, sometimes when people are argueing about snow pants, or where the hair brush was left last.... etc. It isn't at all about the snow pants or that YOU did something wrong.
Especially when a person KNOWS DEEP INSIDE that they are wrong.... they will find anything to turn the blame onto the other. They will use any tatic to manipulate the situation so as to take the heat off their heads.... I will give you an example.
A father comes home from work one day, after being beat on by his boss the entire afternoon. He is frustrated and exhausted. A person a stop sign then cuts him off, and he pulls in to the local mart. He picks up the milk his wife asked him to get, and while opening his car door, he drops the milk and it spills all over the parking lot.
When he finally arrives home, his sons bike was left in the driveway- no big deal right?? Well as he walks in the door, the first thing out of this mans mouth is "DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE BIKE IN THE D*@!* DRIVEWAY"!!! and he storms about the house....
The child otherwise happy on this sunny day is now what? STRESSED. Why? Because the dad who was overwhelmed with his own stuff dumped it on the first person he could. It is now out of him, and onto somone else.
Don't let people dump their "stuff" onto you. It's our job to not buy into the b.s.
It is a tough task, when your self esteem has been flushed down the toilet, (as a result of dealing with addiction ) but if you are aware of this you can fix it.
Make a list of all of your great qualities, put it in front of you everyday and reminde yourself of just who you are. Do not allow him or anyone else to pull you back into a place where you judge and criticize yourself. Love you.
With enough practice, you will see (in time) that accepting people in your life that are critical, blaming, negative, manipulative, etc.... are not worthy of being around the beautiful human being that you are.
Lots of love,
Cessy
Remeber this, sometimes when people are argueing about snow pants, or where the hair brush was left last.... etc. It isn't at all about the snow pants or that YOU did something wrong.
Especially when a person KNOWS DEEP INSIDE that they are wrong.... they will find anything to turn the blame onto the other. They will use any tatic to manipulate the situation so as to take the heat off their heads.... I will give you an example.
A father comes home from work one day, after being beat on by his boss the entire afternoon. He is frustrated and exhausted. A person a stop sign then cuts him off, and he pulls in to the local mart. He picks up the milk his wife asked him to get, and while opening his car door, he drops the milk and it spills all over the parking lot.
When he finally arrives home, his sons bike was left in the driveway- no big deal right?? Well as he walks in the door, the first thing out of this mans mouth is "DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE BIKE IN THE D*@!* DRIVEWAY"!!! and he storms about the house....
The child otherwise happy on this sunny day is now what? STRESSED. Why? Because the dad who was overwhelmed with his own stuff dumped it on the first person he could. It is now out of him, and onto somone else.
Don't let people dump their "stuff" onto you. It's our job to not buy into the b.s.
It is a tough task, when your self esteem has been flushed down the toilet, (as a result of dealing with addiction ) but if you are aware of this you can fix it.
Make a list of all of your great qualities, put it in front of you everyday and reminde yourself of just who you are. Do not allow him or anyone else to pull you back into a place where you judge and criticize yourself. Love you.
With enough practice, you will see (in time) that accepting people in your life that are critical, blaming, negative, manipulative, etc.... are not worthy of being around the beautiful human being that you are.
Lots of love,
Cessy
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Hey Cessy....Thanks for the post. I know that he is dumping on me. He called tonight and asked if I could send the babies meds and to please look for the snow pants again. I said sure and hung up. I know that this is classic behavior and that you always dump on the ones closet to you but being dumped on by someone who never used to is hard to choke down.
I cried tonight because its just so overwhelming sometimes. I am trying to balance school, work, kids, kids' school and all of his bs and trying to keep my own sanity and its just hard. I am overwhelmed right now. Scared and feeling a little helpless. Each day I look for a glimmer of hope only to have it dashed by the "where are the snow pants" crappy conversations. Just sucks. I went and reread some of my old posts and I used to say it cant get any worse then what was happening then but it has gotten sooooo bad. I just feel somedays I am not keeping my head above the water level.......
I cried tonight because its just so overwhelming sometimes. I am trying to balance school, work, kids, kids' school and all of his bs and trying to keep my own sanity and its just hard. I am overwhelmed right now. Scared and feeling a little helpless. Each day I look for a glimmer of hope only to have it dashed by the "where are the snow pants" crappy conversations. Just sucks. I went and reread some of my old posts and I used to say it cant get any worse then what was happening then but it has gotten sooooo bad. I just feel somedays I am not keeping my head above the water level.......
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