Scared sister of an addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Warren, VA
Posts: 5
Scared sister of an addict
Hi everyone. I'm very nervous about typing this tread, because I've never ever opened up about this to anyone else before. My brother is 51 years old and literally used to have the world at his fingertips. He is a full blown addict to prescription meds and alcohol. Both of our parents passed away while we were in our twenties and he started going downhill ever since. His wife left him a year ago and sold their home (she had poa) while he was in the hospital recovering from injuries suffered because he was so wasted. He takes morphine, xanax, dilaudid which are all prescribed by his doctor so he thinks that's ok. My husband agreed to allow him to come live with us for 2 months while he recovered. He abuses his meds and has recently started sneaking drinks again. It's been 7 months and it's created a ton of stress in my household. He doesn't work, was forced into early retirement from his career so we've been totally supporting him. I mean...enabling him. I finally can't take it anymore and told him he needed to leave in the next two weeks. I feel such shame. I'm so scared and so confused and am so full of guilt, but my home is no longer a sanctuary and it's not fair to my husband to allow him to stay here anymore. My brother threw a huge guilt trip on me and just walked out and said he'd be back in a couple of days and that he would be gone in two weeks. I'm sick to my stomach but I know I've done everything I can to help him. Probably way too much. Now, I can't imagine how he will survive on his own. He really can't afford to go anywhere, but I can't keep him here any longer. My health has been severely impacted since he moved in...high bp, stress, illnesses....Please tell me I'm doing the right thing. Please tell me I'm not a horrible person.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Ma
Posts: 320
Bears...first, big hugs to you. Welcome to SR. I don't have a lot of advice but IMO...you are doing the right thing. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. As hard as a decision this is, he's not going to get better as long as he knows he is safe. There are places for him to go, he just needs to look for them. Stay strong. :codiepolice
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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(((((bears1)))))
Please do not feel guilty, although I know that is easy to say and very hard to do. You have more than helped (enabled) your brother.
He doesnt' have to be homeless, there is the Salvation Army, which btw also has a very good FREE rehab program, but also has beds and there is always a few homeless shelters.
You have done more than enough. This is a 51 year old ADULT. You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for him and the consequences of his actions.
You and your husband have done more than enough. You NEED your tranquil home back!
You cannot help him, especially since he is not ready to help himself. When he is sick and tired of being sick and tired (his bottom), then, and only then will he be ready to find help for himself.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Please do not feel guilty, although I know that is easy to say and very hard to do. You have more than helped (enabled) your brother.
He doesnt' have to be homeless, there is the Salvation Army, which btw also has a very good FREE rehab program, but also has beds and there is always a few homeless shelters.
You have done more than enough. This is a 51 year old ADULT. You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for him and the consequences of his actions.
You and your husband have done more than enough. You NEED your tranquil home back!
You cannot help him, especially since he is not ready to help himself. When he is sick and tired of being sick and tired (his bottom), then, and only then will he be ready to find help for himself.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Warren, VA
Posts: 5
Thank you both so much for your kind words. I am just so depressed and pray that he makes it. I can't help him anymore. I simply don't have it in me. I feel very guilty for saying this but I don't think I care if I ever see him again....the whole out of sight out of mind deal. I just know that if he gets himself messed up like I know he will, I'm the only person that can be called. I just hope I have the strength to not go running to him again. I feel very lost.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Originally Posted by bears1 
Now, I can't imagine how he will survive on his own. He really can't afford to go anywhere, but I can't keep him here any longer. My health has been severely impacted since he moved in...high bp, stress, illnesses....Please tell me I'm doing the right thing. Please tell me I'm not a horrible person.
He is an adult. He will figure out what he needs to do take care of himself. If he can't be bothered to take care of his needs, you have no obligation to take care of his needs.
Your actions are actually helpful to your brother. Alcoholics and addicts need to experience the natural consequences of their actions. If you protect them too much, they never learn different behaviors. You are not helping him by taking care of him. You are helping him by saying "I love you, but you're an adult and you need to stand on your own two feet now."
I'm a recovering alcoholic. The only thing that ever made change my behavior was dealing with the painful consequences of that behavior.
You're a good sister and you're doing the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I'm a recovering addict. The only thing that got me into recovery, was being forced to deal with the consequences of my using. That meant my family told me "we love you, but you're not welcome here as long as you're using". I was homeless, by choice. I could have gone to free rehab, but I chose drugs. It took me getting locked up, getting clean, stumbling a few times, finally relapsing before I finally "got it" and hit bottom. My addiction started late in life, and I am not much younger than your brother, so don't think that he's too old for recovery...he just has to get to the point that he wants it more than anything. The best way for us addicts to GET to that point is to run out of people enabling us, and get sick and tired of being sick and tired.
The most loving thing my family ever did for me was allow me to hit bottom and find my way back up again.
You are, absolutely, not a horrible person, and you are not alone. You are someone who deserves to take care of you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm a recovering addict. The only thing that got me into recovery, was being forced to deal with the consequences of my using. That meant my family told me "we love you, but you're not welcome here as long as you're using". I was homeless, by choice. I could have gone to free rehab, but I chose drugs. It took me getting locked up, getting clean, stumbling a few times, finally relapsing before I finally "got it" and hit bottom. My addiction started late in life, and I am not much younger than your brother, so don't think that he's too old for recovery...he just has to get to the point that he wants it more than anything. The best way for us addicts to GET to that point is to run out of people enabling us, and get sick and tired of being sick and tired.
The most loving thing my family ever did for me was allow me to hit bottom and find my way back up again.
You are, absolutely, not a horrible person, and you are not alone. You are someone who deserves to take care of you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Is he disabled? If so can he get housing due to that?
it is....not here even in freezing weather or storms you have to pay something to get inside the door
there is the Salvation Army, which btw also has a very good FREE rehab program
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
bears, he is a grown man and has the ability to take care of himself. Addicts are remarkably resourceful people.
You are not a horrible person to want your own life back.
You are doing right by you and by your husband - your brother has abused your kindness and needs to take responsibility for himself now.
It will be hard for a little bit -- but when he's gone, you can start on the path back to happiness. We'll be here whenever you need to talk.
:ghug3
You are not a horrible person to want your own life back.
You are doing right by you and by your husband - your brother has abused your kindness and needs to take responsibility for himself now.
It will be hard for a little bit -- but when he's gone, you can start on the path back to happiness. We'll be here whenever you need to talk.
:ghug3
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
NO guilt.
He's 51.
He will continue to use you, for as long as you let him.
YOU just may be saving his life.
NOW, he is going to have to be responsible for his own actions.
Please try to find some Alanon meetings, they will help give you some strength.
We're all here for you...
Hugs.........
He's 51.
He will continue to use you, for as long as you let him.
YOU just may be saving his life.
NOW, he is going to have to be responsible for his own actions.
Please try to find some Alanon meetings, they will help give you some strength.
We're all here for you...
Hugs.........
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: New York, USA
Posts: 230
Hugs,
Goodness, he's getting close to retirement age, shouldn't he be on his own?
And don't you dare feel guilty about an adult not able to take care of himself. You just worry about you, you're the only one that matters. Stay strong and get a good nights sleep we don't have the power to change what will be.
Prayers and stay strong.
Goodness, he's getting close to retirement age, shouldn't he be on his own?
And don't you dare feel guilty about an adult not able to take care of himself. You just worry about you, you're the only one that matters. Stay strong and get a good nights sleep we don't have the power to change what will be.
Prayers and stay strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Warren, VA
Posts: 5
He was a professional fire fighter forced into early retirement because of his addictions. He gets half his reduced retirement pay, the other half goes to his ex. He spends most of the $ on the drugs the dr is prescribing. I honestly don't know where the rest goes....certainly not to us to help pay for his keep.
I tried calling him last night and again today and he's ignoring my calls. It just makes me so mad because he knows I'll sit back and worry myself sicfk. I tried so hard not to call, but it got the better of me. I know he'll eventually show up at my house because he still has belongings there and the "two weeks" I gave him won't be up until the 14th. I just pray he shows up sober or my husband will go off.
I tried calling him last night and again today and he's ignoring my calls. It just makes me so mad because he knows I'll sit back and worry myself sicfk. I tried so hard not to call, but it got the better of me. I know he'll eventually show up at my house because he still has belongings there and the "two weeks" I gave him won't be up until the 14th. I just pray he shows up sober or my husband will go off.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 62
Hi bears1,
My brother is in his twenties instead of his fifties, but otherwise, basically we have the same brother. My brother stayed with me for a bit this year and it also made me stressed & sick beyond belief. Eventually there was a big blowout where he left - this is ALWAYS blamed on me kicking him out, which was definitly not the case, but whatever.
The first week was the hardest. At one point I jumped in my car and drove around, hoping to find him. He'd stolen some of his prescription that I was holding onto, and I felt like it was my responsibility to get it back. I met him that Friday to drive him to the bus station to go to my parents for the weekend and it was like looking at a ghost. That short time had turned him into the shell that used to be my brother. It broke my heart to look at him - but I just thanked God that he was still there for me to look at.
My partner was kind enough to let him stay at our home and he also is still so angry about the situation. We were taken advantage of and we let ourselves be taken advantage of. This happened months ago. Do I still think about my brother? At least once an hour. Do I still feel responsible for making sure he's OK? Not at all. I've taken some group counseling with other people who have an addicted family member and I'm so relived to know I'm not alone in this.
I guess what I am saying is give it time. This situation is absolutely the worst situation that I've ever had in my life, but I'm working through it, and it will get easier with time. I just needed to remember to put myself first - I had to remind myself of this SO MANY times!
My brother is in his twenties instead of his fifties, but otherwise, basically we have the same brother. My brother stayed with me for a bit this year and it also made me stressed & sick beyond belief. Eventually there was a big blowout where he left - this is ALWAYS blamed on me kicking him out, which was definitly not the case, but whatever.
The first week was the hardest. At one point I jumped in my car and drove around, hoping to find him. He'd stolen some of his prescription that I was holding onto, and I felt like it was my responsibility to get it back. I met him that Friday to drive him to the bus station to go to my parents for the weekend and it was like looking at a ghost. That short time had turned him into the shell that used to be my brother. It broke my heart to look at him - but I just thanked God that he was still there for me to look at.
My partner was kind enough to let him stay at our home and he also is still so angry about the situation. We were taken advantage of and we let ourselves be taken advantage of. This happened months ago. Do I still think about my brother? At least once an hour. Do I still feel responsible for making sure he's OK? Not at all. I've taken some group counseling with other people who have an addicted family member and I'm so relived to know I'm not alone in this.
I guess what I am saying is give it time. This situation is absolutely the worst situation that I've ever had in my life, but I'm working through it, and it will get easier with time. I just needed to remember to put myself first - I had to remind myself of this SO MANY times!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Oh you poor thing. What a tremendous amount of stress you're under.
You know, drug addicts and alcoholics alike are the best at making us feel guilty. Problem is, it's not our guilt. It's theirs and they transfer it onto us.
I have had to do my share of dealing with both alkies and addicts in my life. My experience tells me that there's not a darn thing I do that will make them quit. So, I had to make decisions. Do I want to continue living in the chaos, fear, sadness and grief?
Or do I want my own home to be a place of peace, learning and happiness?
My son is the addict. He became homeless a few years ago when I put him in my car and dropped him off on the side of the road because I was tired of living that way. I said, sink or swim, but you aren't coming back here till you are totally clean. It took him several months, but he did finally get off the drugs.
I just can't control my family members who choose to destroy their life. I don't want to go down with them.
Perhaps you could look into a rehab for your brother. Then, make sure he has somewhere else to go when he gets out. Other wise, your life will remain unmanageable and full of chaos.
You know, drug addicts and alcoholics alike are the best at making us feel guilty. Problem is, it's not our guilt. It's theirs and they transfer it onto us.
I have had to do my share of dealing with both alkies and addicts in my life. My experience tells me that there's not a darn thing I do that will make them quit. So, I had to make decisions. Do I want to continue living in the chaos, fear, sadness and grief?
Or do I want my own home to be a place of peace, learning and happiness?
My son is the addict. He became homeless a few years ago when I put him in my car and dropped him off on the side of the road because I was tired of living that way. I said, sink or swim, but you aren't coming back here till you are totally clean. It took him several months, but he did finally get off the drugs.
I just can't control my family members who choose to destroy their life. I don't want to go down with them.
Perhaps you could look into a rehab for your brother. Then, make sure he has somewhere else to go when he gets out. Other wise, your life will remain unmanageable and full of chaos.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Warren, VA
Posts: 5
Thanks for all the support from each of you. I guess I left out the fact that my brother has been in and out of the hospital, oh gosh, I guess about 10 times in the past 2 years because he gets himself so screwed up. He's been on life support several times because his body goes into seizures after long bouts of straight drinking and drugging. He HAS been in rehab at least 3 times but never stays beyond a couple of days of detox.
It has been 3 1/2 days since he left and I haven't heard a word from him. The fact is the longer he stays away, the more it strengthens my resolve to keep him out. My husband is definitely happier and less stressed and that is a good thing. Am I worried? Extremely, but I know there's nothing else I can do.
Thanks to all.
It has been 3 1/2 days since he left and I haven't heard a word from him. The fact is the longer he stays away, the more it strengthens my resolve to keep him out. My husband is definitely happier and less stressed and that is a good thing. Am I worried? Extremely, but I know there's nothing else I can do.
Thanks to all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I'm sorry you are going through this. You are obviously torn up inside. You can't stop him if he is bent on destroying himself. You had to draw a boundary for your sanity. There's no reason to shelter your 51 year old brother when he refuses to take care of himself. This puts too much pressure on you. It is not your job to save him, to shelther him, to take care of him. It is his responsibility to take care of himself. He'll just use anything as an excuse as to why his life isn't going right. This is one of those, "The things that you have no control over." Take care of yourself.
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