mooselips

Hi all,
I'm just going to jot down some rambling thoughts I have and perhaps someone can give me a steel toe kick, or some good recovery advice.

Oldest son, age 36 will be released from prison July 29th or the week after. He had an appeal and it was okayed, and supposedly he says he shouldn't have been imprisoned for the length of time he was. 15 months.

I know a drug deal when I read it, and my son had the transcripts, and yep...looked like a drug deal to me. But son, still doesn't always take responsiblity for his actions.

He called me yesterday, he is in a manic state due to his long lost daughter finding and writing him. And now yesterday, he found out his present Gf, 21 years old, father of my grandson, has been seeing someone else for a month. And he feels abandoned, altho' I said he doesn't own her, cannot control her, and he's not married to her. The fact is, he encouraged her to have this child so he had a life long link to her.

When I say, she doesn't belong to you, he gets furious and accuses me of taking Her side. I am worrying he will badger her, and constantly call and harrass her.

I am leaving for Canada, and leaving a check for the Sober House, and a gift card for the grocery store, and a few bucks for clothes, (he hasn't any)
at the Goodwill.

I don't want to do any of this..I am so tired of being manipluated.

The other side is...his long lost daughter wants to see him, and stay in contact with him. He's in no shape to be a father, and I'm not sure if he ever will, if he doesn't put himself first, and work on him.

But, from where I'm sitting, it would be a miracle for that to happen.

And..my mother with her healed fractured hip, is pouting because I'm leaving, although my sister has quit her job to stay home and assist her.

I need a vacation.

Thanks for listening.

ladyamalthea

(((Moose)))

I hope you enjoy your vacation, and leave as much of this behind for a few days as possible. You deserve it!

dollydo

Moose,

Sorry for all drama in your life. You do have the tools in your box to stop the manipulation. It is up to you to use them.

In the meantime have a nice time in Canada.

BBD

I hear you Moose~~its a continual job being a mom. We always carry the burdens of our children and just hope for a happier place to be in. Try to enjoy that vacation and put all this aside for the dyas you are gone. I sometimes wonder how everyone would get along if we weren't around. Is it us?? or could they possible be OK on their own. Its time to put ourselves first and stick with the boundaries WE want to live with. As our children age I KNOW its time to let go. You have had alot to consume in the last few days but hopefully your son can handle the outside world and maybe be a good dad.....lets just cross our fingers on that one. Now you have some fun, put a smile on your face~~~and think of nothing but yourself for today.....Smilin' at ya, Bonnie

ChristinaW

Hi there. I do not have a son in prison and would not understand the pain that you must be gowing through dealing with this situation. I do have a cousin that is about to go to prison for an extended period of time for dealing drugs and selling to a police officer, he is 19. As sorry as I feel for him and as much as I love him, I feel that this could not only save his own life from the direction he was going in, but could save other lives as well. He does not feel the remorse yet and does not feel he deserves the 20 years he is facing. But, what can you do.

This being said and the fact that your son is older and does not feel remorse for his actions or responsibility for them is unfortunate. If you are feeling like you are being minipulated "again" by your son becuase of the money you are sending the sober house, and gift cards, etc. you should feel that way becuase you are being minipulated. I dont' meen to be harsh, and I do not know how I would react if my child were in the same situation, but you are enabling his actions by supporting him in these ways. He is a grown man and needs to learn the hard lessons of life and has to realize that Mommy can't bail him out every time he screws up. This is not healthy for you or for him. As far as his long lost daughter, if she is old enough to make her own opinions, she will decide if she wants to have that kind of person in her life. There really isn't anything anyone can say to her to change her mind.

I do wish you all the best, and hope that you can put yourself FIRST. That is probably something you have not done in a long time.

Serenity Bound

(((Moose))) Enjoy your vacation, you deserve it!!!

And just so you know, I pray for miracles everyday. For today, my AD is clean, (actually 6mos today) and for me that IS a miracle, a blessing from God.

Hugs,
Chris

URMYEVERYTHING

Although I did not have a son in prison, I experienced my exabf coming out of prison and whew....if I would have known....I wouldn't have had him come to my house at all. I too, helped him with clothes because he lost them in his relapse and with spending 6 months in jail, I figured he would need a little help. I also encouraged him to go to rehab after getting out but the waiting list was way too long and he ended up relapsing after 3 weeks of getting released.

In my opinion and of course this is with a SO rather than a son.... I wouldn't help with anything. I wouldn't make it comfortable for him. I wouldn't leave him any cash. I would mail the check directly to the treatment facility and not leave it for him to possibly forge, etc. I don't know....I'm just in a position where I wouldn't trust an addict with anything especially when coming out of jail where he received no type of treatment.

Is there anyway he can directly go into a rehab from jail? That would be ideal but not always possible.

Nevertheless, you should enjoy your vacation and not leave many things behind to where you are put in a position of worrying.

Just some thoughts. Have an awesome time in Canada. Wish I was going.

Ann

When I feel myself getting drawn back into the drama again, I have to keep telling myself "I am powerless over them, their problem, their addiction, their recovery, their actions (however stupid) and their choices."

Enjoy your vacation, Canada is a lovely place to escape to this time of year

As a matter of fact, I think I will come visit you and make sure you are enjoying your vacation, lol, just as any good codie friend might do

Hugs to the Mooseclan. Viva Vacations!

Impurrfect

((Moose)) the more I learn about codie recovery, the more I realize that it seems we each do what we feel we need/want to until we get fed up with it, enough. I've also learned that even though I KNOW the rules (detach, stay out of their business, no enabling, etc.), sometimes I break the rules.

I've found out that, some times, I was right...and things were okay. Other times, I just got further convinced to go BACK to the rules

You're an awesome lady, mama, g'ma, daughter, and friend to all who are blessed to know you. I think you've made your decision, and it's okay...you know, all too well, that we can deal with whatever consequences happen. I'm praying that he "gets it" this time

In the meantime, go on your vacation and have a WONDERFUL time. Everyone will be just fine. Mama Moose is probably pouting because SHE can't go!!

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy

ElegantlyWasted

This is weird... Just realized that as I'm approaching 1 year I'm hanging out in Friends and Family a more; just instinctively drawn to the posts (enough about me). Sounds like you have a perfect plan... You deserve the r&r entirely guilt free.

mooselips

Hi everybody,
IMO, I think I have all the tools hidden somewhere in my recovery toolbox. I know what I should and should not do, and I also know what
I have to do at the time to maintain my sanity.

IF our prison system, (not that I'm blaming anyone) had a better plan...maybe following people closely when they're released, maybe helping prisoners mesh back in with society. Maybe counseling...maybe ANYTHING!

IMO, you just cannot throw a person out on the streets without any job prospects, any money, any food, any housing....

I try to give him a small start, after that, he's on his own.

I did stay within my boundaries by not letting him come home.
(although I thought about it...LOL)

The problem lies within my heart.

Thanks for all your replies, and suggestions.

Chino

We're not supposed to do for others what they can and should for themselves. We're also supposed to do for ourselves what we can and should. Whatever I do these days, it's in good conscience. It's my best and I'm good with that.

You're taking a vacation. That, to me, is the most important thing

mooselips

Let me just mention one small thing that makes me fret.

GF, who is a young 21 years old, and mother of our 18 month grandson...said to me..yesterday.....Casey said when he gets out, he may stay at his friends for the weekend.(his friend is sober and alsways has been).then go to the sober house. He said he could probably watch the baby if I needed him to.

This tiny bit of info really set my teeth on edge, because my little grandson has NO idea who his father is and has never seen him.
I asked her...well, that's not something you would do, though, right?

That's where I have a problem.

Worrying more about the innocent than anything.


But, I AM powerless.

Ann

I'm with you on the baby worries, Moose, but this baby is loved by a healthy mama and a wonderful grandma and we just have to trust the process...sure easy for me to say, I know, but you know what I mean.

Canada has The John Howard Society and even if you have spent one day in jail, they will help you find affordable safe housing, jobs with employers willing to give people a second chance, and counseling along the way...all part of a good new start.

I wish they had something like this where you are. Even though they can't control any more than we can, it's a chance, a start, and hope for us mamas who worry.

More hugs as I head out to enjoy a worry free day...care to join me?

P.S. Love you lots and know your recovery tool kit has everything you need in it.

sunnygirl68

Honey, take care of you...try and let that tension and worry flow out of your body as you take a vacation from life. You deserve it. I hope you have some peace while you are away.

greeteachday

Enjoy your vacation Moose...Hope you get a chance to have a quiet walk with your HP first, and lay this all with him. He's got his arms wrapped tight around your grandson

Angelic17

Moose, Your a beautiful person. An excellent mom,daughter,wife,grandmom, and friend.
In one of your posts you said the problem is in your heart. It's not a problem for you to love your son so much. Your a mother, and nothing and nobody Loves truer, or deeper than a mother.

It's instinct to worry about what will happen to your son when he is released from jail. Especially knowing that he has nothing to fall back on. No money, no home, no car, and so on.
I'm sure you were worried when he was out doing wrong. And worried when he was arrested, worried when he got sentenced, and worried when he was sent to jail. The truth of the matter is, that you will worry about your son until the day you die, and then into eternity. Because that's what mothers do. I can honestly say, even though I know better, I would do the exact same thing as you. I can understand your heart.

But that saying keeps coming to mind. LET GO OR BE DRAGGED I am pretty sure Ann told me that in an earlier post when I was trying to change my addict son. I get it now, but just like you I would probably always try to help him a little.

My prayer is for your sons to have learned their lessons, and really turn their lives around. It's ok to love them. Just try not to enable. They are adults, and if you keep doing for them, they won't do for themselves.

You need to take this time in Canada, and concentrate on you. Believe me if you don't take care of you, nobody else will.
I hope you have a beautiful vacation. And try to remember this, if your not around, and your on vacation, your boys are going to do what ever it is they do regardless. You are powerless. So LET GO my friend, Enjoy your life. I have the same problem as you do with my only child. And I too am like you, always helping, worrying and doing for my son. Lately I am seriously trying to let go. It doesn't happen over night.

Have a great trip.

GOD BLESS YOU

:ghug3

chicory

Wishing you a lovely vacation- you deserve it.

Blessings for you and yours today,

mooselips

Better late than never, just an update.

Oldest son has been out of prison now for about 2 months, and is currently living in a Sober House, being paid by us ($330 a month for anyone who needs to know) and is SOBER for today and attending meetings regularly, at least 4 a week.

He has bonded with his son, who continually wants his daddy to pick him up, and is working on his relationship with the baby's mother. She supposedly has bipolar, and not medicated, and quite moody at times.

He also has met his daughter he hasn't seen for 15 years, and we all attended a restaurant last evening for her 17th birthday party. It was nice, and she is a sweet girl, with GOALS. She is a junior in high school and planning on going to college to be a Veternarian. Her college is already paid for, if she follows through.

He also has come out to our house to help his dad do things around here that needs muscle. Mr. Moose lost his a while back. (age does that to ya, I guess.)

Other son, age 32, has moved to Florida, and acording to his brother, (the ex jailbird) he has an addiction to Crystal Meth.

Just an update.
I'll be back.

Miss and love you all.....

outtolunch

Until it gets too heavy with the burden. Then and only then, can we let go/let God.