The Language of Letting Go - Dec. 3 - Developing Healthy Tolerance
 

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Developing Healthy Tolerance

Many of us are skilled at denying and discounting what hurts us. We may endure a particular situation, telling ourselves repeatedly it's not that bad; we shouldn't be so demanding; it'll change any day; we should be able to live with it; it doesn't annoy us; the other person didn't really mean it; it doesn't hurt; maybe it's just us.

We may fight and argue with ourselves about the reality and validity of our pain - our right to feel it and do something about it.

Often we will tolerate too much or so much that we become furious and refuse to tolerate any more.

We can learn to develop healthy tolerance.

We do that by setting healthy boundaries and trusting ourselves to own our power with people. We can lessen our pain and suffering by validating and paying attention to ourselves. We can work at shortening the time between identifying a need to set a boundary, and taking clear, direct action.

We aren't crazy. Some behaviors really do bug us. Some behaviors really are inappropriate, annoying, hurtful, or abusive.

We don't have to feel guilty about taking care of ourselves once we identify a boundary that needs to be set. Look at the experience as an experiment in owning our power, in establishing new, healthy boundaries and limits for ourselves.

We don't have to feel guilty or apologize or explain ourselves after we've set a boundary. We can learn to accept the awkwardness and discomfort of setting boundaries with people. We can establish our rights to have these limits. We can give the other person room to have and explore his or her feelings; we can give ourselves room to have our feelings - as we struggle to own our power and create good, working relationships.

Once we can trust our ability to take care of ourselves, we will develop healthy reasonable tolerance of others.

God, help me begin striving for healthy boundaries and healthy tolerance for others and myself.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Those words jumped out at me this morning. I was doing some step work last night, examining some of the things in my past that caused me pain that I stuffed at the time because I felt the pain was not valid.

I believe that I stuffed my pain because to express it would have brought pain to someone else, my addicted son or my husband who did not like to see me in pain, or my friends who cared about me.

In the end it was valid pain, anger and sadness that anyone would feel under the circumstances.

Once I learned to set healthy boundaries, I could protect myself from the kind of pain I speak of. I could give up my front row seat at the theatre of addiction and take a safer seat in the rooms of recovery. I didn't have to be a victim anymore, I didn't have to protect anyone else at the expense of my soul. How freeing that was to know.

Hugs

What you said about you didn't have to protect anyone else at the expense of your soul really hits home with me. thanks Ann

Ann, the same words that you highlighted, also jumped out at me today!

I had a slight medical scare yesterday, and hesitated to share it with a friend who had left me a voicemail to call her. I ended up sharing it via text message and she responded with great concern and told me to call her in the evening. Again, I went against my gut instinct and called her. Sure enough she launched into all of her own problems, would cut me off as I was telling her what was going on and the whole conversation turned into me listening to HER. I honestly didn't have the energy, and while I wouldn't call her a toxic friend- I do feel drained after any interaction with her.

I was so relieved to finally end the call, but then there's a part of me that feels bad for feeling that way!!!! Totally codie, I know...

So, the part, "We aren't crazy. Some behaviors really do bug us. Some behaviors really are inappropriate, annoying, hurtful, or abusive, " totally spoke to me! It reinforced to me, that I need to stick to the boundaries that I've already set and not cave into them out of guilt!

Thank you!!!