Conflicted....but trying to avoid more drama
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2
Conflicted....but trying to avoid more drama
My AD, age 32, lives with us after we helped her escape from an abusive situation, so she could begin to rebuild her life. She has mental health issues, probably from PTSD, and is taking antipsychotics and is in counseling, although between her work schedule and counselor's rescheduling, she's not seen him much yet.
I am *sure* she's using, probably heroin. Her ex BF used to inject her with dilaudid to help the voices go away -- she says he hit her if she tried to resist. She's working and gives me some of her checks to keep for her. She's trying to find an apartment, although she doesn't make much. But she became friends with a guy who supposedly also moved here to start over, and I'm positive he uses.
She's quite personable sometimes -- like the woman she used to be before the traumas hit her -- but her pupils are tiny when she's like that. She also has been diagnosed with HepC (thanks to the ex) and explains her lack of interest in learning much about the disease as "denial" -- my thinking is "I'll say!"
We talk all around drugs. She walked out angrily once when I asked her to take a drug test, and came back three days later, a wreck from not taking meds. She hasn't been here long enough to really have made many friends. She's been told she can't use and live here. But there is not a smoking gun,...yet.
I believe it will take a big drama -- OD, getting picked up, or denial of treatment for HepC (and I'll bet she'll find some way to explain that) to get her to admit to using.
I'm working the program for me, trying very hard to focus on ME and my husband, instead of letting her problems rule my world. But I HATE that she's using here, which I'm nearly certain she is, although she is not keeping anything in her room, at least that is evident -- more likely in her car. I just would like to avoid a complete drama scene and let it play out as it will -- for I'm certain it eventually will --
So am I just stupid for not forcing the issue?
I am *sure* she's using, probably heroin. Her ex BF used to inject her with dilaudid to help the voices go away -- she says he hit her if she tried to resist. She's working and gives me some of her checks to keep for her. She's trying to find an apartment, although she doesn't make much. But she became friends with a guy who supposedly also moved here to start over, and I'm positive he uses.
She's quite personable sometimes -- like the woman she used to be before the traumas hit her -- but her pupils are tiny when she's like that. She also has been diagnosed with HepC (thanks to the ex) and explains her lack of interest in learning much about the disease as "denial" -- my thinking is "I'll say!"
We talk all around drugs. She walked out angrily once when I asked her to take a drug test, and came back three days later, a wreck from not taking meds. She hasn't been here long enough to really have made many friends. She's been told she can't use and live here. But there is not a smoking gun,...yet.
I believe it will take a big drama -- OD, getting picked up, or denial of treatment for HepC (and I'll bet she'll find some way to explain that) to get her to admit to using.
I'm working the program for me, trying very hard to focus on ME and my husband, instead of letting her problems rule my world. But I HATE that she's using here, which I'm nearly certain she is, although she is not keeping anything in her room, at least that is evident -- more likely in her car. I just would like to avoid a complete drama scene and let it play out as it will -- for I'm certain it eventually will --
So am I just stupid for not forcing the issue?
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Her refusal to take a drug test is the smoking gun. Forcing the issue will create a lot of drama, but so will living with an active addict. I can't have that front row seat and so when my daughter came home to live after rehab and a halfway house and broke my rules by drinking, she was asked to leave. She found an apartment within a week and we have a much better relationship. Your daughter will find somewhere to live if you decide that she can't live with you. Right now you are providing her with a nice soft place to live and she is using drugs. She will not go willingly as long as she has those nice accomodations. You could give her a timeline to move. I gave my daughter 30 days and like I said she was out in a week. Your relationship with her will continue to deteriorate even if you are working a program because you will find that you will not be able to put up with her using and living with you. You will want to set boundaries to protect yourself and an addict will just walk all over those boundaries. Hugs to you and welcome to SR. Marle
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry for what you are going through.
I'm a recovering addict. I know that I had to hit bottom before I was willing to even consider recovery. My family made it very clear that they loved me, but they were not willing to participate in my addiction.
I live with my dad and stepmom, now. If there was even a HINT that I was using, I would have to leave...no if's, and's or but's.
We addicts are very resourceful. We will tell you we have nowhere to go, no one to help us, but somehow we always manage to find drugs. I CHOSE to be homeless because drugs were more important than a place to sleep every night. For a lot of us, it takes getting to that point before we decide that drugs just aren't worth it.
I can only imagine how hard this is on you, as a parent. But from my point of view, the most loving thing you can do is to let your AD fall and learn how to pick herself up.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry for what you are going through.
I'm a recovering addict. I know that I had to hit bottom before I was willing to even consider recovery. My family made it very clear that they loved me, but they were not willing to participate in my addiction.
I live with my dad and stepmom, now. If there was even a HINT that I was using, I would have to leave...no if's, and's or but's.
We addicts are very resourceful. We will tell you we have nowhere to go, no one to help us, but somehow we always manage to find drugs. I CHOSE to be homeless because drugs were more important than a place to sleep every night. For a lot of us, it takes getting to that point before we decide that drugs just aren't worth it.
I can only imagine how hard this is on you, as a parent. But from my point of view, the most loving thing you can do is to let your AD fall and learn how to pick herself up.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I just know for me I could not have my using AD in my home. I gave her a chance after she did 9 months on felony meth-related charges.
It didn't take long for my household to be turned upside down.
After I booted her out, I changed the locks, and got a restraining order on her.
For me, to allow a still using addict to live at home is enabling.
It didn't take long for my household to be turned upside down.
After I booted her out, I changed the locks, and got a restraining order on her.
For me, to allow a still using addict to live at home is enabling.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
It seems as though you are in that tough spot between knowing and confirmation and for now are comfortable there. As Marle said, drug testing is the smoking gun and available anytime you want certainty.
My AD's DOC is also heroin. Tolerance quickly builds and it takes more and more to feel normal and " get the sick off ".
My AD has more mental illness diagnosis than you can shake a stick at. When in rehab, she used the "to make the voices go away" reasoning and of course it was not her fault. Someone else caused her addiction. She was also on antipsychotic meds and was challenged to work out a schedule for therapy, once out of rehab.
Fast forward to this past summer. I forced the issue of drug testing as it was apparent she relapsed. The MD immediatley cut off her meds and I gave her the choice of cold turkey or homelessness, my only leverage. She chose cold turkey and has remained thus far, free of all mood altering drugs. I no longer worry about tomorrow because there is not a darn thing I can do about it.
By all accounts she should be sitting in a Mc Donalds talking to a waste can, but she's not. She is actually quite normal and seems to have tired being selectively mentally ill.
Your daughter's Hep C needs attention. At 32, she owns this and her addiction. That she left home for 3 days to avoid the confrontation and that you let her return, is a temporary situation. Where did she go and why did she return? It sounds like you may have some leverage.
There will be a trigger event that forces confrontation. Does she have insurance or are you in a position to support her in a rehab enviornment?
My AD's DOC is also heroin. Tolerance quickly builds and it takes more and more to feel normal and " get the sick off ".
My AD has more mental illness diagnosis than you can shake a stick at. When in rehab, she used the "to make the voices go away" reasoning and of course it was not her fault. Someone else caused her addiction. She was also on antipsychotic meds and was challenged to work out a schedule for therapy, once out of rehab.
Fast forward to this past summer. I forced the issue of drug testing as it was apparent she relapsed. The MD immediatley cut off her meds and I gave her the choice of cold turkey or homelessness, my only leverage. She chose cold turkey and has remained thus far, free of all mood altering drugs. I no longer worry about tomorrow because there is not a darn thing I can do about it.
By all accounts she should be sitting in a Mc Donalds talking to a waste can, but she's not. She is actually quite normal and seems to have tired being selectively mentally ill.
Your daughter's Hep C needs attention. At 32, she owns this and her addiction. That she left home for 3 days to avoid the confrontation and that you let her return, is a temporary situation. Where did she go and why did she return? It sounds like you may have some leverage.
There will be a trigger event that forces confrontation. Does she have insurance or are you in a position to support her in a rehab enviornment?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Ladera Ranch,CA
Posts: 10
BE STRONG, I know it can be very hard especially when dealing with a loved one and please don't take this the wrong way but with the information you have posted in my opinion right now you r the enabler. things need to change for sure and i think that the best way you can your part in that is to lay down the law and give her an ultimatum. good luck to you and god bless ya
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 101
Hi MamaB,
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I think you've gotten some great input from people here who have been in your shoes.
I just wanted to say that you are not stupid, you love your daughter and it's obvious that you want her to heal. It's just that sometimes we can love them to death, by enabling. Keep reading here and keep asking questions, there is SO much wisdom and insight here, it's amazing.
Big hugs to you!
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I think you've gotten some great input from people here who have been in your shoes.
I just wanted to say that you are not stupid, you love your daughter and it's obvious that you want her to heal. It's just that sometimes we can love them to death, by enabling. Keep reading here and keep asking questions, there is SO much wisdom and insight here, it's amazing.
Big hugs to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2
Thank you
So many good points, and much to ponder. Yes, I know I'm enabling, and no, I'm not comfortable. She is looking for an apartment which will at least be a buffer.
She stayed home tonight, helped with dinner and was very pleasant -- the woman she used to be. And yet her pupils were tiny even in dimmer light, so I'm pretty sure she was high. I hate being so suspicious and mistrusting, but I *know*.
Yes, outtolunch, I do believe there will be a trigger event, and probably sooner than later. She sees doc tomorrow for liver test results, and I'm wondering if the doc was astute enough to throw in a drug test. I, however, won't be there unless she asks me to be, so I may not know what happens.
Rehab -- she has healthcare through a state program and is in treatment through county health services, so I don't know what they offer at this point, but it won't be luxurious. If she gets picked up and thrown in jail, it'll be pretty stark. But I am not up for using my hard-earned, rapidly dwindling retirement accounts for a stay in a nice facility. Her dad, who has more assets, and I may agree to help some, but it'll depend on how it comes crashing down.
And yes, I do love her and pray for her healing. But not, NOT at the cost of my own sanity and health.
I'm reading a book titled Addict in the Family that is helping. Reading your stories help a lot too. Listening to my counselor, doing regular reality checks, and self-talk, working the steps. Thank you for being here.
She stayed home tonight, helped with dinner and was very pleasant -- the woman she used to be. And yet her pupils were tiny even in dimmer light, so I'm pretty sure she was high. I hate being so suspicious and mistrusting, but I *know*.
Yes, outtolunch, I do believe there will be a trigger event, and probably sooner than later. She sees doc tomorrow for liver test results, and I'm wondering if the doc was astute enough to throw in a drug test. I, however, won't be there unless she asks me to be, so I may not know what happens.
Rehab -- she has healthcare through a state program and is in treatment through county health services, so I don't know what they offer at this point, but it won't be luxurious. If she gets picked up and thrown in jail, it'll be pretty stark. But I am not up for using my hard-earned, rapidly dwindling retirement accounts for a stay in a nice facility. Her dad, who has more assets, and I may agree to help some, but it'll depend on how it comes crashing down.
And yes, I do love her and pray for her healing. But not, NOT at the cost of my own sanity and health.
I'm reading a book titled Addict in the Family that is helping. Reading your stories help a lot too. Listening to my counselor, doing regular reality checks, and self-talk, working the steps. Thank you for being here.
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