Ann

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Putting Our Life on Hold

We cannot afford to put our needs on hold, waiting for another person to fulfill us, make our life better, or come around and be who and what we want that person to be. That will create resentment, hostility, an unhealthy dependency, and a mess to deal with later on.

If we have decided we want a particular relationship or want to wait about making a decision in a particular relationship, then we must go on with our own life in the interim.

That can be hard. It can feel natural to put our life on hold. That is when we get caught up in the codependent beliefs: That person can make me happy... I need that particular person to do a particular thing in order to be happy....

That's a circumstance that can hook our low self-esteem, our self-doubt, and our tendency to neglect ourselves.

We can get into this situation in a number of ways. We can do this waiting for a letter, waiting for a job, waiting for a person, waiting for an event.

We do not have to put our life on hold. There will be repercussions from doing this. Go on with your life. Take life a day at a time.

What is something I could be doing now to take care of myself, make myself feel better, get my needs met in an appropriate, healthy way?

How can I own my power to take care of myself, despite what the other person is or isn't doing?

What will happen if I break the system and begin taking care of myself?

Sometimes, we get the answer we want immediately. Sometimes, we wait for a while. Sometimes, things don't work out exactly the way we hoped. But they always work out for good, and often better than we expected.

And in the meantime, we have manifested love for ourselves by living our own life and taking the control away from others. That always comes back to us tenfold, because when we actually manifest love for ourselves, we give our Higher Power, other people, and the Universe permission to send us the love we want and need. Stopping living our life to make a thing happen doesn't work. All it does is make us miserable, because we have stopped living our life.

Today, I will force myself, if necessary, to live my own life. I will act in my own best interest, in a way that reflects self-love. If I have given power or control of my life to someone other than myself, and someone besides a Power greater than myself, I will take it back. I will begin acting in my own best interests, even if it feels awkward to do that.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Ann

When I was exhausted, when nothing I tried seemed to be working to change someone else, I decided that the only person I could change would be me, and that was the beginning of my recovery.

It seemed a big task, I was tired and afraid of change. As bad as my life was, it was the life that I had become comfortable in because it was the only life I knew.

Going to meetings, learning to work the 12 steps with the caring guidance of a wonderful sponsor and then taking it all one baby step at a time was how I walked from the darkness of the problem into the light of the solution.

I am so grateful today for the life I have found. The life of peace and beauty that I am living today is the life that I once feared when it involved "change".

Today I let myself be led. I ask for God's guidance each morning and then live in His light all day. I am no longer alone and no longer afraid and today my life belongs to me.

Hugs

SerenityGirl

(HUGS) Ann, thankyou, you give me so much hope. I was reading your other post about your son, my heart goes out to you!!! You are such an inspiration!!!

itisatruth

Many years ago I read an article about a previously successful woman who had voluntarily taken part in suicide with her husband who had a mental illness. I remember thinking how someone could do something like that.....how crazy that was......how she could let her life go so far down with him as to sacrifice her own life.

Although I'm no where near that, I kinda understand how it could happen: I put so much into waiting for him to get clean, waiting for this or that to happen, that I kept sliding down, getting deeper into the problem, too caught up in THE PROBLEM to take care of myself - to see how far I was falling. I become part of the problem....

-- And put my life on hold -- how much "LIFE" have I spent waiting??

Until I started talking about things and opening up to others, I had no idea how sick I sounded.

NO more!

Lots of things have been happening with my AH and I. It does feel uncomfortable and I feel mean because I'm enforcing my boundaries and he's crying and pleading and promising. But I have stuck to what I need and that feels good for me.

Thanks as usual Ann for your timely messages!!

Hugs-
Rica

imallright

-- And put my life on hold -- how much "LIFE" have I spent waiting??

Until I started talking about things and opening up to others, I had no idea how sick I sounded.

NO more!



Wow! This is powerful for me. I read this post from Ann after her post for today. The two connect for me. I am struggling with letting go vs. giving up. I am also tired of waiting, but not sure how to move on.

When I talk about my life to friends or my counselor... and I listen to what I am saying... I can't help but think... "Wow... what is wrong with this picture and what have you been thinking?!?!?! No wonder you are such a mess... of course you had to get out"

I feel like I wasted so much time in my life waiting. Waiting for him to come home, waiting for him to show interest, waiting for the fun to start, waiting to feel good about me. I thought I was being patient and "hanging in there", you know, being supportive, etc. I think my intention was good... but life was passing me by.

I am trying hard to engage and stop waiting... but it is hard. I want to have a full life, I just don't know how to make that happen. I guess it's... just keep moving forward, huh?

Ideas... I need a boost today.

itisatruth

I'm trying too...and it is hard. Old habits die hard as they say - at least for me.

But what you said makes a lot of sense......keep moving forward. We might not see it in ourselves everyday....but if you look at where you were and where you are now....there is positive change. We keep taking those steps one at a time....with the idea that all those little steps will help take us where we want to go...in time. That's what I'm telling myself.

Hugs--