Flame

So far he seems to be commited to it. I told him I believe in him and have faith in him. I also told him it IS his battle. That he has to do the work on his own and I can only be there to cheer him on. *Your marathon metaphor was helpful, Anvilhead!*

Randy is his home support and he and I talk all the time. He is learning a few things just in this short time about his own boundaries and how to deal with and enforce them.

Our addict is FAR from Saint Cocaine (good one, honey!), but ... always a but ... his destruction is for the most part (with the exception of walls and tvs) to himself. Not saying that's a good thing but he's not directing his anger at anyone but himself, which is how he got in this position in the first place.

Day 3. Whew.

Anvilhead, I do like your candidness. You don't sugarcoat Sh*t!

Flame

You have nailed that one on the head!!! I am learning that one right quick! The trouble was previously that I didn't realize he was an addict so any arguments that seemed ridiculous actually WERE (he's even said that to me about our fights). Now that I know, it's a little easier to back away and hang up or whatever.

jerect

Thats our Anvil... Her posts have helped me face the reality of my AH's addiction instead of the safe little world I created for myself.. I owe a lot of my recovery to her advice...

jerect

Flame, Something else that I do that has been so helpful with me in dealing with my addict is that I do not communicate with my AH at all if he is high..

When My AH gets high, I leave the house or I find something constructive to do with my time.. I don't talk to him, sit in the same room with him and I certainly do not try to reason with him.. I used to get mad but now I just do my own thing... it has made things so much easier for me..

jerect

Oh sweetie, I assure you there is nothing lucky about living with an addict..

I used to feel the same way you did.. I used to think, well at least he has a job and that he has never stolen from me and that he comes home at night..

Well guess what? Addiction is a yet disease.. YET is the oprative word..

Addiction is a horrible progressive disease in which it gets worse and all your YETS eventually become.. YES's and this continues until either your addict hits rock bottom and chooses to get help or when you get sick and tired of the situation and leave..

I know my post sounds harsh but I have been where you are right now.. I have watched my AH relaps time and time again, heard every empty promise, heard every lie and every excuse in the book..


You must take care of yourself.... You must set boundaries for yourself and stick to them and do everything in your power not to enable him...

Living with an addict is not easy and the road to recovery is a long one.. Keep posting here and remember TAKE CARE OF YOU

Flame

Well, Randy took one step toward enforcing his boundaries today. Today would have been Day 4 but our friend slipped. The one bonus is that he actually admits it when he slips. At least I think that's a bonus rather than us having to 'find out.' So Randy said he couldn't be near him when he was like that and left. Go Randy!!!

As for me, I could tell as soon as we spoke that he was high. When he actually admitted it, I got kind of quiet. I didn't ask for answers, just politely kept up the conversation. He knows we're both disappointed. When he said he had to go, I didn't say anything but 'Okay, talk to you later,' and we hung up. I think that's a huge step for me as before I would have asked a million and one questions and tried to make him 'understand' what he was doing. Today I just told him that it's his business if he wants to throw his money away on rehab because when they test him and find out he's using anything, he's out of the program.

I'm really, truly disappointed right now.

Randy911

I told him I won't talk to him, sit with him, listen to him ramble, or even be in the same house with him when he's like that.

Then I left and went to a friend's house until he was gone to work.

He's not a bad person but I'm just not going to take it anymore. If he wants me to talk to him and listen to him then he can at least have the decency to be sober. He seemed shocked that I walked out on him like that and when he came home for his supper break a while ago, he wouldn't even speak to me.

We'll see what happens.

Flame

I'm not going to give him any lectures or try to reason with him. It's a waste of breath.

My confusion lies in this ... I was friends with him before I ever knew he was an addict. I feel almost like a traitor for giving him conditions now that I know.

The fact it that I don't want him to die. So I'm still going to be his friend. I'm just going to learn to instill my own boundaries. If I can't handle a conversation because he's high, he's just going to have to deal with me ending that conversation until he's in a better frame of mind.

I have guilt doing that because I don't want him to think that I don't want him around or that he's not welcome but neither of those things is true. I care about him so much but now that I know the reason for his erratic behavior at times, I can't put up with that for MY OWN good.

Flame

Just need to add that it still doesn't make it easier to stop it from hurting.