cassandra2

I have decided that today I will start with forgivness.

I want to forgive and heal my relationship with my ex. I know that by letting go of him but also letting him know that I still love him and not matter what I want the best for him not for us.

Its hard to be angry with someone who has not wronged you. He cant be angry at me forever. And while I cannot change him or make him not be angry with me I know that at some point we will have to have some sort of relationship because of our daughter. I know that he didnt set out to destroy our family. The progession of addiction does that.

I pray that he will find peace and at some point recovery. This may be the end of "us" but can be the beginning for many other things in my life.

I saw a magnet the other day and it said "When GOD closes one door we sometimes stare so long at the closed door that we dont see the other door that HE has opened."

I thought that was beautiful. Its so true. I have spent the last 2 months starring at the closed door of this relationship and not realized that this was all part of HIS plan and I just have to be PATIENT and see where this path takes me.

I have been forcing so many things and not truly letting go and accepting. Its hard. The sooner I can really let go the sooner things will start to move. I hope for the best and that would be his recovery and reuniting with the family and moving forward, but I am preparing for the worst, which would be that he stays an addict and never comes home.

I thank you all for being patient with me and allowing me to wade through this uncharted territory and being so kind to me. I will try to slowly reach out and let him know that no matter what I love him and dont blame him for what has happened. This is the way it was meant to be.

I also would like to thank GOD for this trial because I know that blessings come out of trials. I am blessed and thankful that I have my kids and a home for them. I am blessed that I get to fulfill my dream of going back to college. I am blessed with some truly gifted people on this site. Today I am thankful that I am not battling addiction nor am I in the lions nest of trying to figure out what way to go because I trust that GOD will lead me.

Have a wonderful day.

cessy68

Hey Cass, Nice post.... good 4u. I know how quickly the swing of our emotions can be when batteling this fight.
Surrender is best, and I'm glad I hear peace in your voice today.

How we stay there is taking in lots of love and support from others who can be compassionate and kind.

Keep being kind to yourself! Thats great progress- and I pray you stay in this mindset.

Love,
Cessy

hope213

you are going to b ok. work your recovery & leave his to him. we can not make anything happen. if it is forced it is not the way it should be. do things u like to do. let things fall in to place. prayers for u both & big hugs for you.

Impurrfect

(((Cassandra)))

Great post!!! Forgiveness took me a while. It wasn't that I didn't WANT to do it, it just hurt and was hard to give up on the "us" part and truly accept that what was going to be was going to be.

A friend, here, taught me 2 words I've come to love..dignity and grace. Now, when I'm struggling with anything, I just pray "please help me to deal with this, in the way I should, with dignity and grace". For me, it pretty much covers all the bases

I'm really proud of you and the way you work through your feelings.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

greeteachday

Cassandra, You sound like you have turned a significant corner in your recovery journey. Sometimes forgiveness is difficult, but I think letting go moves us there more quickly. You should be really proud of yourself - you've been doing some intensive soul searching and findign your way back to YOU. Hugs

jerect

Hey Cassandra

I just recently forgave my AH for all the things that he has done to me and the pain that his addiction has caused me.. This was more of a gift to myself then it was for my AH.. I knew that I needed to forgive in order to let go and work on myself..

I think you are doing awesome in your recovery... keep up the good work.

blizzard77

You Are an Inspiration to me!!! God Bless You and Your Children!!

bella78

That is very inspirational. You are inspirational.

Stay strong.

Ann

Forgiveness is the antidote for resentments and faith is the antidote for fear.

Those two lessons were the turning point for me, as they seem to be with you too. I think we find peace in our hearts when we remove all the negative emotions and anger and replace them with compassion.

I believe God loves all His children, including his addicted ones. May we do no less.

Thank you for the inspiration, Cass, your light is shining brightly here.

Hugs.

Chino

That is how I found detachment from my daughter's addiction. Now it's time to apply it towards the rest of my personal relationships.

Thank you for sharing cassandra, and may God bless you with serenity and His strength.

bella78

I think forgiveness would come easier, for me at least, if they owned up and admitted to how they hurt us. At least if they acknowledged the pain they caused, then I can forgive and move on with him conscious and aware that he hurt me.

kingston

Thank you for the great post and kudos to you for coming so far.

I too thought that I could forgive my AH once he admitted how much he hurt me. I was so angry at him, 24 years of bottled up feelings, lies, betrayal, in and out of rehab, cheating, dry drunk, active drunk - you know the drill.

I kept telling myself, I'll be able to let go once he says sorry, once he starts feeling my pain, once he.......

Then I had one of the "aha" moments (I just love them), this was the same script I would tell myself when we were together, I'll be happy once he stops drinking, I'll be content once he stops drinking, I'll be .......

It's up to me and me only to validate my feelings, no one else, I own my feelings. I was holding on to these feelings and they were eating me alive, I kept obsessing about him. My time was spent focusing on him and not on me and my recovery. I took a very hard look at what I was feeling and came to the conclusion that those feelings were in many ways directed at me. I was angry at myself for allowing him to do this to me.

Once I took responsibility for my actions and forgave myself the obsessing slowly stopped. I've also come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter to me if he never acknowledges what he did. I have heard I'm sorry from him so many times, it never made a difference in his behavior.

What has made a difference now is how I'm feeling. I've acknowledged my feelings. I've forgiven myself and him. I've done this for me not for him. I don't have room in my heart for anger. I wish him well and hope he finds true sobriety and happiness but that's up to him. I've finally been able to let go but again it's for me.

I believe that for me forgiveness was a huge gift - for myself.

K.

cassandra2

Now you are expecting for someone else to allow you to feel forgiveness. That isnt true forgiveness. True forgiveness is when you forgive another for something they have done with the expectation of NOTHING in return. Forgiveness is for yourself not the other. You continue to walk around in the pain of unforgiveness by holding onto it and not just letting it go. I always thought I too would forgive only if he admitted that he was wrong. Then I learned that I am expecting someone else to do something for me so I can then do for myself.....True forgiveness will allow the pain to go away.....

CatsPajamas

This is long but has some great info:

When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge or embrace forgiveness and move forward.
Katherine M. Piderman, Ph.D.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another. Your mother criticized your parenting skills. Your friend gossiped about you. Your partner had an affair. These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness and even vengeance.

But when you don't practice forgiveness, you may be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy. Here, Katherine M. Piderman, Ph.D., staff chaplain at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn., discusses forgiveness and how it can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

What is forgiveness?
There's no one definition of forgiveness. But in general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense committed against you. This can reduce the power these feelings otherwise have over you, so that you can a live freer and happier life in the present. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Doesn't forgiving someone mean you're forgetting or condoning what happened?
Absolutely not! Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting what happened to you. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life. But forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness also doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?
Researchers have recently become interested in studying the effects of being unforgiving and being forgiving. Evidence is mounting that holding on to grudges and bitterness results in long-term health problems. Forgiveness, on the other hand, offers numerous benefits, including:

Lower blood pressure
Stress reduction
Less hostility
Better anger management skills
Lower heart rate
Lower risk of alcohol or substance abuse
Fewer depression symptoms
Fewer anxiety symptoms
Reduction in chronic pain
More friendships
Healthier relationships
Greater religious or spiritual well-being
Improved psychological well-being
Why do we hold grudges and become resentful and unforgiving?
The people most likely to hurt us are those closest to us — our partners, friends, siblings and parents. When we're hurt by someone we love and trust — whether it's a lie, betrayal, rejection, abuse or insult — it can be extremely difficult to overcome. And even minor offenses can turn into huge conflicts.

When you experience hurt or harm from someone's actions or words, whether this is intended or not, you may begin experiencing negative feelings such as anger, confusion or sadness, especially when it's someone close to you. These feelings may start out small. But if you don't deal with them quickly, they can grow bigger and more powerful. They may even begin to crowd out positive feelings. Grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility take root when you dwell on hurtful events or situations, replaying them in your mind many times.

Soon, you may find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. You may feel trapped and may not see a way out. It's very hard to let go of grudges at this point and instead you may remain resentful and unforgiving.

How do I know it's time to try to embrace forgiveness?
When we hold on to pain, old grudges, bitterness and even hatred, many areas of our lives can suffer. When we're unforgiving, it's we who pay the price over and over. We may bring our anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Our lives may be so wrapped up in the wrong that we can't enjoy the present. Other signs that it may be time to consider forgiveness include:

Dwelling on the events surrounding the offense
Hearing from others that you have a chip on your shoulder or that you're wallowing in self-pity
Being avoided by family and friends because they don't enjoy being around you
Having angry outbursts at the smallest perceived slights
Often feeling misunderstood
Drinking excessively, smoking or using drugs to try to cope with your pain
Having symptoms of depression or anxiety
Being consumed by a desire for revenge or punishment
Automatically thinking the worst about people or situations
Regretting the loss of a valued relationship
Feeling like your life lacks meaning or purpose
Feeling at odds with your religious or spiritual beliefs
The bottom line is that you may often feel miserable in your current life.

How do I reach a state of forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. It can be difficult and it can take time. Everyone moves toward forgiveness a little differently. One step is to recognize the value of forgiveness and its importance in our lives at a given time. Another is to reflect on the facts of the situation, how we've reacted, and how this combination has affected our lives, our health and our well-being. Then, as we are ready, we can actively choose to forgive the one who has offended us. In this way, we move away from our role as a victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in our lives.

Forgiveness also means that we change old patterns of beliefs and actions that are driven by our bitterness. As we let go of grudges, we'll no longer define our lives by how we've been hurt, and we may even find compassion and understanding.

What happens if I can't forgive someone?
Forgiveness can be very challenging. It may be particularly hard to forgive someone who doesn't admit wrong or doesn't speak of their sorrow. Keep in mind that the key benefits of forgiveness are for you. If you find yourself stuck, it may be helpful to take some time to talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider or an unbiased family member or friend.

It may also be helpful to reflect on times you've hurt others and on those who have forgiven you. As you recall how you felt, it may help you to understand the position of the person who hurt you. It can also be beneficial to pray, use guided meditation or journal. In any case, if the intention to forgive is present, forgiveness will come in its time.

Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?
Not always. In some cases, reconciliation may be impossible because the offender has died. In other cases, reconciliation may not be appropriate, especially if you were attacked or assaulted. But even in those cases, forgiveness is still possible, even if reconciliation isn't.

On the other hand, if the hurtful event involved a family member or friend whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness may lead to reconciliation. This may not happen quickly, as you both may need time to re-establish trust. But in the end, your relationship may very well be one that is rich and fulfilling.

What if I have to interact with the person who hurt me but I don't want to?
These situations are difficult. If the hurt involves a family member, it may not always be possible to avoid him or her entirely. You may be invited to the same family holiday gatherings, for instance. If you've reached a state of forgiveness, you may be able to enjoy these gatherings without bringing up the old hurts. If you haven't reached forgiveness, these gatherings may be tense and stressful for everyone, particularly if other family members have chosen sides in the conflict.

So how do you handle this? First, remember that you do have a choice whether to attend or not attend family get-togethers. Respect yourself and do what seems best. If you choose to go, don't be surprised by a certain amount of awkwardness and perhaps even more intense feelings. It's important to keep an eye on those feelings. You don't want them to lead you to be unjust or unkind in return for what was done to you.

Also, avoid drinking too much alcohol as a way to try to numb your feelings or feel better — it'll likely backfire. And keep an open heart and mind. People do change, and perhaps the offender will want to apologize or make amends. You also may find that the gathering helps you to move forward with forgiveness.

How do I know when I've truly forgiven someone?
Forgiveness may result in sincerely spoken words such as "I forgive you" or tender actions that fit the relationship. But more than this, forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life. The offense is no longer front and center in your thoughts or feelings. Your hostility, resentment and misery have made way for compassion, kindness and peace.

Also, remember that forgiveness often isn't a one-time thing. It begins with a decision, but because memories or another set of words or actions may trigger old feelings, you may need to recommit to forgiveness over and over again.

What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?
Getting the other person to change their actions, behavior or words isn't the point of forgiveness. In fact, the other person may never change or apologize for the offense. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by bringing you more peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing.

Forgiveness takes away the power the other person continues to wield in your life. Through forgiveness, you choose to no longer define yourself as a victim. Forgiveness is done primarily for yourself, and less so for the person who wronged you.

What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?
It may help to spend some time thinking about the offense you've committed and trying to determine the effect it has had on others. Unless it may cause more harm or distress, consider admitting the wrong you've done to those you've harmed, speaking of your sincere sorrow or regret, and specifically asking for forgiveness — without making excuses.

But if this seems unwise because it may further harm or distress, don't do it — it's not about making yourself feel better by apologizing. You don't want to add salt to a painful wound. Also, keep in mind that you can't force someone to forgive you. They will need to move to forgiveness in their own time.

In any case, we have to be willing to forgive ourselves. Holding on to resentment against yourself can be just as toxic as holding on to resentment against someone else. Recognize that poor behavior or mistakes don't make you worthless or bad.

Accept the fact that you — like everyone else — aren't perfect. Accept yourself despite your faults. Admit your mistakes. Commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect. And again, talking with a spiritual leader, mental health provider or trusted friend or relative may be helpful.

Forgiveness of yourself or someone else, though not easy, can transform your life. Instead of dwelling on the injustice and revenge, instead of being angry and bitter, you can move toward a life of peace, compassion, mercy, joy and kindness.

bella78

Thanks, Catspj's! I needed to read something like that!
I've always been told my whole life that I forgive too easily... but I'm having a very hard time forgiving my abf. Thanks for reminding me of the sense of relief forgiveness can bring that I seem to have forgotten since I harbored so much resentment.