Why doesnt my addict love us?
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
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Dear Cassie, I wish I could put my arms around you and just hug you. It is far better for your children to have one parent who is thinking clearly & there for them than to have 2 parents if one is an addict. I have no doubt you will help your kids get through this. If they are old enough you could explain he is an addict and it has nothing at all to do with them.
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THat is where my guilt comes from My oldest daughter is 13 she had the deepest relationship with him. She has taken it very hard. Bought her a book about addiction and she read it and now she understands what is happening to her. But now I have given her false hope. I feel bad for that.
my conversation with my ex today was so much like it was when he was abusing. Goes round and round in circles with nothing getting accomplished. He didnt even TRY to see it through their eyes. I tried to explain that they are kids and allow them time to heal and not expect our daughter until the older kids had a chance to heal from all this. He kept going back to I was withholding our daughter from him and that it wasnt fair for him or for her. Ok again you are the adult here and as their mother its my job to protect them from being further hurt why cant he see that?????
He ended up hanging up on me because I told him that our daughter was a baby she didnt know if it was xmas or not he is an adult and for one year he could make it without being with her on xmas (my kids are a package deal you cant split them up and expect them to just accept it). He is so selfish now. I am so angry that he is still blaming me for his problems and seeing that all of this is my fault.
I just want to yelll and scream and kick him in the head. Its not about YOU jack off its about these kids and how they feel......
my conversation with my ex today was so much like it was when he was abusing. Goes round and round in circles with nothing getting accomplished. He didnt even TRY to see it through their eyes. I tried to explain that they are kids and allow them time to heal and not expect our daughter until the older kids had a chance to heal from all this. He kept going back to I was withholding our daughter from him and that it wasnt fair for him or for her. Ok again you are the adult here and as their mother its my job to protect them from being further hurt why cant he see that?????
He ended up hanging up on me because I told him that our daughter was a baby she didnt know if it was xmas or not he is an adult and for one year he could make it without being with her on xmas (my kids are a package deal you cant split them up and expect them to just accept it). He is so selfish now. I am so angry that he is still blaming me for his problems and seeing that all of this is my fault.
I just want to yelll and scream and kick him in the head. Its not about YOU jack off its about these kids and how they feel......
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(((Cassandra)))
I'm sorry he's not working at recovery. Rehab just isn't going to do much good if he doesn't want to do the work at recovery. It WILL give him some tools to use in the future, but it's not the cure.
Don't feel guilty about the kids. You had hope and that's only human. You can now show them the reality of life...sometimes things just don't work out the way we hope they do...and we pick up the pieces and move on. It's not something you WANT your children to learn, but it's great that they can learn from a parent who they know loves them and they feel comfortable and safe with.
I hope you can get your focus back on you and the kids, now. In all honesty, I think I had been working my recovery, really hard, for at least 6 months before it felt even a little bit comfortable, and a year before it felt more "normal" than my addictive way of thinking. So, even if he were to start working his recovery, today, this is a long process. The worst thing you can do, for him, you and the kids, is sit around and wait to see what he's going to do.
No one knows what the future holds. Today, you and your kids have each other, and that is a blessing.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry he's not working at recovery. Rehab just isn't going to do much good if he doesn't want to do the work at recovery. It WILL give him some tools to use in the future, but it's not the cure.
Don't feel guilty about the kids. You had hope and that's only human. You can now show them the reality of life...sometimes things just don't work out the way we hope they do...and we pick up the pieces and move on. It's not something you WANT your children to learn, but it's great that they can learn from a parent who they know loves them and they feel comfortable and safe with.
I hope you can get your focus back on you and the kids, now. In all honesty, I think I had been working my recovery, really hard, for at least 6 months before it felt even a little bit comfortable, and a year before it felt more "normal" than my addictive way of thinking. So, even if he were to start working his recovery, today, this is a long process. The worst thing you can do, for him, you and the kids, is sit around and wait to see what he's going to do.
No one knows what the future holds. Today, you and your kids have each other, and that is a blessing.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thank you impurrfect. It is sad very sad to see my hopes and dreams go down the toliet. There are no tools they are offering him in a support group. Sounded to me like sometimes he doesnt even bother to go. He doesnt want to be clean he doesnt want to have the love of a family but he does want to blame and point the finger at me and say its my fault. It hurts because as I have said many times before it doesnt have to be like this.
I feel like my love and feelings for him were just stomped on and thrown in the garabage. We has something special at one time and for me that meant something. I just wish it meant something for him to. I just wish that for a moment he could think of the kids and their feelings. I know that he doesnt want to cut the cord I dont know why seems to me that would be easier to just say hey I made a mistake and I am sorry but they are my kids. I should not have told them those things. I would atleast respect him for that. This I cant respect. He cant even bow out gracefully
I feel like my love and feelings for him were just stomped on and thrown in the garabage. We has something special at one time and for me that meant something. I just wish it meant something for him to. I just wish that for a moment he could think of the kids and their feelings. I know that he doesnt want to cut the cord I dont know why seems to me that would be easier to just say hey I made a mistake and I am sorry but they are my kids. I should not have told them those things. I would atleast respect him for that. This I cant respect. He cant even bow out gracefully
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(((Cassandra)))
My niece, Brit, is 15. She lives with my dad, stepmom and me because her mom died when Brit was 1, and her dad is an A. Her dad has been in/out of jail/prison her whole life. His parents have manipulated her, and her dad has made and broken promises her entire life. At this point, she wants nothing to do with him.
We've never bad-mouthed him, but simply let her make her own decisions about him. Because of MY addiction/recovery, she is much less tolerant of his addiction. Unfortunately, she understands way more than any 15-year-old should, about addiction.
My point is, kids are pretty darned resilient. As long as they have support and love, and are able to talk about their feelings, they can usually work through this. The very fact that YOU had hope that he would come back, and he's disappointing YOU will only validate THEIR feelings and they will realize it has nothing to do with them. The hardest thing to make a child, of any age, to see is that it's NOT THEIR FAULT. By being honest with them, and not going into gory details, they will see that this is totally his thing, and has nothing to do with you OR them.
You're a good mom, and you will all get through this, together.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
My niece, Brit, is 15. She lives with my dad, stepmom and me because her mom died when Brit was 1, and her dad is an A. Her dad has been in/out of jail/prison her whole life. His parents have manipulated her, and her dad has made and broken promises her entire life. At this point, she wants nothing to do with him.
We've never bad-mouthed him, but simply let her make her own decisions about him. Because of MY addiction/recovery, she is much less tolerant of his addiction. Unfortunately, she understands way more than any 15-year-old should, about addiction.
My point is, kids are pretty darned resilient. As long as they have support and love, and are able to talk about their feelings, they can usually work through this. The very fact that YOU had hope that he would come back, and he's disappointing YOU will only validate THEIR feelings and they will realize it has nothing to do with them. The hardest thing to make a child, of any age, to see is that it's NOT THEIR FAULT. By being honest with them, and not going into gory details, they will see that this is totally his thing, and has nothing to do with you OR them.
You're a good mom, and you will all get through this, together.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thanks Amy. I am at a loss. I havent told them not to loss hope because like you said they will have to see that for themselves. I know that my oldest has a better understanding of what is happening to him because of the book she read. I have also told her that no matter what happens between him and I we will still have our daughter in common and because of that I will always want what is best for him and that that may not be me for whatever reason.
I want to move on but I keep white knuckling this hope. I just want to walk away and be down with all of his bs. I keep telling myself that this will always be something that could rear its ugly head in our relationship. He basically is starting from scratch with EVERYTHING and I already have been there done that. He has nothing to offer me emotionally and he is being a real ass right now and I dont know if that will ever change. With all of those reasons I should be running the other way.
But instead I am like a little kid going to k4 on the first day and I make a few little steps forward......I look back......Make a few more steps......Look back....Go running back......Then put on my tough face......Make a few more steps....But all the while I keep looking back to see if he is looking for me. TO see if he is showing any interest in walking through that door with me. I miss him so much and I know that if he werent a drug addict we would be planning what we were gonna do tonight. We didnt break up because we couldnt get along, because we fell out of love with one another, one of us found someone else we broke up because drugs STOLE the man that I love and made him EVIL.
GOD please hear my prayer. I cant take this pain anymore. I just cant. It hurts too much.
I want to move on but I keep white knuckling this hope. I just want to walk away and be down with all of his bs. I keep telling myself that this will always be something that could rear its ugly head in our relationship. He basically is starting from scratch with EVERYTHING and I already have been there done that. He has nothing to offer me emotionally and he is being a real ass right now and I dont know if that will ever change. With all of those reasons I should be running the other way.
But instead I am like a little kid going to k4 on the first day and I make a few little steps forward......I look back......Make a few more steps......Look back....Go running back......Then put on my tough face......Make a few more steps....But all the while I keep looking back to see if he is looking for me. TO see if he is showing any interest in walking through that door with me. I miss him so much and I know that if he werent a drug addict we would be planning what we were gonna do tonight. We didnt break up because we couldnt get along, because we fell out of love with one another, one of us found someone else we broke up because drugs STOLE the man that I love and made him EVIL.
GOD please hear my prayer. I cant take this pain anymore. I just cant. It hurts too much.
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I would give you the advice I give my own daughter. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I'm not saying you go around expecting bad things to happen but that you be realistic in order to protect yourself and then when something good happens you can take it as a gift and a wonderful surprise. I dont expect anything besides what I've always had from my AS so when he takes a good step i'm happy for him.
Your husband is in rehab now so be thankful for that - change takes time and anytime i have pushed too hard it had negative outcomes. I can also tell you that with my son i never noticed a difference in him until he was clean for two months and then it was only in his mood stability (i.e., he didnt cuss me out) so as hard as it is, you may want to just sit back and try to give this some time - i wouldnt listen too much to him right now because his mind is not going to be clear after three weeks.
Your husband is in rehab now so be thankful for that - change takes time and anytime i have pushed too hard it had negative outcomes. I can also tell you that with my son i never noticed a difference in him until he was clean for two months and then it was only in his mood stability (i.e., he didnt cuss me out) so as hard as it is, you may want to just sit back and try to give this some time - i wouldnt listen too much to him right now because his mind is not going to be clear after three weeks.
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Thats so nice of you to give motherly advice. Your right I should be thankful that he is in rehab. Because a month ago I was posting on here if he would just get into rehab and get clean he would see the light. Now he is there and I am disappointed that it isnt happening fast enough. Your right about pushing too hard. I will just leave these issues alone and give him the space he needs to hopefully get better. I should just get a sign and hold it up whenever I have these attacks.
Its just so hard to be patient its like watching paint dry. I dont want to let go of the hope. I am just not ready.......I still want to believe in him. Even if he doesnt believe in himself. I want to believe and have faith and go back to everything is as it should be......
Its just so hard to be patient its like watching paint dry. I dont want to let go of the hope. I am just not ready.......I still want to believe in him. Even if he doesnt believe in himself. I want to believe and have faith and go back to everything is as it should be......
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(((Cassandra)))
If it makes you feel any better, almost 21 months into my recovery, I'm wondering why MY life isn't "all better"
I'm trying to work 3 different jobs, drowning in debt, going back to school, and dealing with a little PTSD from getting whacked over the head with a gun during the robbery at work. Oh, I've got a TON of things to be grateful for, and I am. I just want to point out that this recovery stuff isn't easy on THIS side of the street, either. Every bit of this stuff, except the PTSD is MY fault, and my consequences, and I've been dealing with it for almost 3 years (I was clean for a good bit of time before a week long relapse). And the really stupid part, a big part of my relapse was due to being a HUGE codie (for me, codie and addiction are majorly entertwined).
The reason I'm saying all this is, he's got a LONG road ahead of him, and so do you. The more you can detach and let him work his own recovery, the stronger his recovery can be. If anyone had made my recovery easier, I would not have the tools I have to get through what I've gone through. Every struggle I've gone through, has made me stronger so I can get through the next one..whether it's as a codie or an RA.
We just have to believe in ourselves, trust that God hasn't thrown us out there without a plan, and sometimes we have to lean on our friends (especially here) to help us through it. Some days I have to pray "I don't know what to do, so help me out here, okay?", other days I get overwhelmed and I just concentrate on what I need to do THAT DAY.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
If it makes you feel any better, almost 21 months into my recovery, I'm wondering why MY life isn't "all better"
I'm trying to work 3 different jobs, drowning in debt, going back to school, and dealing with a little PTSD from getting whacked over the head with a gun during the robbery at work. Oh, I've got a TON of things to be grateful for, and I am. I just want to point out that this recovery stuff isn't easy on THIS side of the street, either. Every bit of this stuff, except the PTSD is MY fault, and my consequences, and I've been dealing with it for almost 3 years (I was clean for a good bit of time before a week long relapse). And the really stupid part, a big part of my relapse was due to being a HUGE codie (for me, codie and addiction are majorly entertwined).The reason I'm saying all this is, he's got a LONG road ahead of him, and so do you. The more you can detach and let him work his own recovery, the stronger his recovery can be. If anyone had made my recovery easier, I would not have the tools I have to get through what I've gone through. Every struggle I've gone through, has made me stronger so I can get through the next one..whether it's as a codie or an RA.
We just have to believe in ourselves, trust that God hasn't thrown us out there without a plan, and sometimes we have to lean on our friends (especially here) to help us through it. Some days I have to pray "I don't know what to do, so help me out here, okay?", other days I get overwhelmed and I just concentrate on what I need to do THAT DAY.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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But Amy your DOING it your actions are speaking louder then your addiction is/was. While I know that you know you have made tremendous strides I feel that you are an example of hope. That someone who fell as hard as you fell YOU DID THE RIGHT THING you CHOSE recovery everyday.
I guess I really dont know what stance to take with him. On one hand I want to tell him that I believe in him and that even if he doesnt love me that I still love him and pray that he finds recovery.
On the other hand I want him to see what he is doing to the kids to take responsibility for the mess he caused.
I dont know what to do. I really feel that all I should do is take the pressure off and let him know that I love him and that I understand that he needs to do this for himself.
What do you think?
I guess I really dont know what stance to take with him. On one hand I want to tell him that I believe in him and that even if he doesnt love me that I still love him and pray that he finds recovery.
On the other hand I want him to see what he is doing to the kids to take responsibility for the mess he caused.
I dont know what to do. I really feel that all I should do is take the pressure off and let him know that I love him and that I understand that he needs to do this for himself.
What do you think?
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If it were me, I would do both...by detaching...saying "I love you and hope you find recovery" AND sticking firm to your boundaries with the kids (as in they are a package deal and protecting them from his behavior) you're doing both. Telling him what he's doing to the kids isn't going to sink in to his head, right now, unfortunately. By not being allowed to be involved in their lives, whenever it's convenient for him, THAT will have more of an impact.
When you and the kids go on with your lives, and he's not a part of any more, that will have way more impact than anything you could ever say. I'm not saying do that in a vengeful way. It's just that, with me, seeing my family go on with their lives, seeing my niece Brit, grow up, having a nephew born that I didn't even know...all that made me realize what I was missing out on. It made me work harder at my recovery and it still does. Of course, I had to want recovery for me, as the main reason, or it wouldn't have worked, no matter how much I loved my family, and I did, but I'm sure I got to that point faster because my family stood aside and said "we love you but you've got to get yourself out of this mess" when I got locked up.
Okay, I've got to go to work..I'll check in on you tomorrow.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
When you and the kids go on with your lives, and he's not a part of any more, that will have way more impact than anything you could ever say. I'm not saying do that in a vengeful way. It's just that, with me, seeing my family go on with their lives, seeing my niece Brit, grow up, having a nephew born that I didn't even know...all that made me realize what I was missing out on. It made me work harder at my recovery and it still does. Of course, I had to want recovery for me, as the main reason, or it wouldn't have worked, no matter how much I loved my family, and I did, but I'm sure I got to that point faster because my family stood aside and said "we love you but you've got to get yourself out of this mess" when I got locked up.
Okay, I've got to go to work..I'll check in on you tomorrow.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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I have a brother who is in a forced rehab situation either rehab or 3 years in prison. He has served time in prison before. He claims to be clean and working a program. I know he does not want to go to prison. Can he hold up under the pressure? I don't know.
I feel a tension when I am around him he is very antsy and has to be moving. He can't just sit down and talk with me. He does not call me or come over to my house for a visit. I see him at my mom's house. My mom gives me regular updates. He an my mom are very hooked up in his recovery. He has tried to give mom control over his recovery mom bless her heart is trying not to control him.
Gosh I love my brother so much and I hope to God he can make it. He looks so much better now that he has been clean for 60 some odd days. I guess I am used to not being too close to him these days. I do not know if we will ever be running buddies again. He is still my brother and I have loved him all my life I wish him the very best and I pray for his healing.
I feel a tension when I am around him he is very antsy and has to be moving. He can't just sit down and talk with me. He does not call me or come over to my house for a visit. I see him at my mom's house. My mom gives me regular updates. He an my mom are very hooked up in his recovery. He has tried to give mom control over his recovery mom bless her heart is trying not to control him.
Gosh I love my brother so much and I hope to God he can make it. He looks so much better now that he has been clean for 60 some odd days. I guess I am used to not being too close to him these days. I do not know if we will ever be running buddies again. He is still my brother and I have loved him all my life I wish him the very best and I pray for his healing.
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Originally Posted by cassandra2 
........ and go back to everything is as it should be......
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outtolunch----I meant that this whole situation that is OUT of MY control, everything is as it should be according to the path that GOD has led me down. I have finally decided that the only way to move forward is to forgive, accept that this is the way things are and that for now its ok for me to look back for him. Maybe when I look back he will still be in the same spot or maybe he will be right by my side. Its not for me to decide that. That is now in GOD's hands. I give up trying.
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I have come to yet another conclusion.
Yes, I believe that my addict loves us. But LOVE was NEVER the issue. He became a slave to his addiction and became no longer capable of loving anything but his addiction. We all say how can they love us when they love their doc.
I look at him now. They way his life is going NOW. He has always just wanted to be happy and have a good life. Well maybe he was "happy" with us but that wasnt "normal" for him and the happy he wanted was found in drugs. That good feeling that it starts out as. And then when he started to not feel "happy" the chase started. Nothing was more important then that chase of feeling "happy".
So where is "happy" now? Gone. Grief sets in. Except in most we allow grief and then start to move forward and seek a way out. Come here post. Read. Talk. Cry. Move on. And he hasnt been able to figure it out. He thinks that he is the only one in the world that is going through this.
I talked to a friend today and I said its like I pulled out a Monopoly game and said this is so much fun try it you will see. He takes the board out puts the pieces on the board and stares at it. Gee this isnt fun you said this would be fun. Its fun if you know how to play the game.
He doesnt know how to play the game of life. He is stuck in his perpetual cycle of looking for happiness. And instead of looking inside of himself and CHOOSING to find happiness there. How can you get a person to understand that? You cant. They just dont know how to pick themselves up and dust themselves off.
Sad very very sad......
Yes, I believe that my addict loves us. But LOVE was NEVER the issue. He became a slave to his addiction and became no longer capable of loving anything but his addiction. We all say how can they love us when they love their doc.
I look at him now. They way his life is going NOW. He has always just wanted to be happy and have a good life. Well maybe he was "happy" with us but that wasnt "normal" for him and the happy he wanted was found in drugs. That good feeling that it starts out as. And then when he started to not feel "happy" the chase started. Nothing was more important then that chase of feeling "happy".
So where is "happy" now? Gone. Grief sets in. Except in most we allow grief and then start to move forward and seek a way out. Come here post. Read. Talk. Cry. Move on. And he hasnt been able to figure it out. He thinks that he is the only one in the world that is going through this.
I talked to a friend today and I said its like I pulled out a Monopoly game and said this is so much fun try it you will see. He takes the board out puts the pieces on the board and stares at it. Gee this isnt fun you said this would be fun. Its fun if you know how to play the game.
He doesnt know how to play the game of life. He is stuck in his perpetual cycle of looking for happiness. And instead of looking inside of himself and CHOOSING to find happiness there. How can you get a person to understand that? You cant. They just dont know how to pick themselves up and dust themselves off.
Sad very very sad......
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