crazybabie

I have not been here in quite some time. Son has been in and out of jail and honestly I feel safer when he is in jail.

I haven't ever reached the point where I could be very supportive here so I mainly read.

AS called me tonight after we found out his brothers gun was missing and he was so hi on something. I have him in a motel room anout 30 miles away from my house. before everyone wonders why quick refresher he has a diagnosis of schizoeffective disorder and anti social personality, he gets SSI amd I am his rep payee. I have asked to be removed several times as being payee has lead to alot of problems. Which in return help throw my bi-polar everywhere.

I know I seem to be rambling sorry, my mind is everywhere and just need to put the words where they will be understood. Noone at home understands it seems I have been to some face to face FA meetings and that helps a bit.

Son was crying for his dad tonight btw he is 23, and he kept getting sick I could hear him and he was saying mom I think I am gonna die I am scared.

Everyone says detach totally...I have tried thus far I can to a large degree but not totally. I know my issue to deal with but is anyone willing to share how they detached.

I am now able to hang up the phone when he cuses me etc...
I do not call when he misses a day calling me as much as I would love to..
I do not run to him and fall for his old ways of manulipation.
Yet somehow I feel I am letting him down.
Any other mothers feel like this or have felt this way?

Anyways thanks for the place to just unload.

Angie

Spiritual Seeker

Hi Angie,
Reaching our with mom hugs.
It is tough mothering grown kids who struggle. I understand.

marle

It sounds like you are doing what you can to detach. You are taking steps that you feel comfortable with right now. Detaching to me means that I still love my daughter, I just don't make her problems my own. I don't jump in quickly to solve things for her. I step back and see if she can come up with her own solution. I also try to keep the focus on me and what I need to do to stay healthy. It is not something that happens overnight. Face to face meetings help and if they helped you in the past, why not try them again. Being around people facing similar circumstances really does help. Hugs, Marle

winnie12

Yes I feel this way every day. It saddens me when i see so many on this site who know that they need to detach but have such a hard time with it. It seems that we feel guilt over not being able to do it. There is no magical thing we can do to just shut down our feelings - we have to go through it and we have to do it when we are ready - not when others think we should be ready. When the heart accepts what the mind knows then we are able to truly detach but i dont think we can before that time.

I'm looking at this whole process as a journey. He is on his and i am on mine. Each step i take i learn a little about myself and a little about him. i dont look back to where i have been and the mis-steps he or i have taken i only look forward. When its time to detach more I learn those lessons the hard way and that actually makes it easier for me to change my direction away from him. Sometimes I sprint ahead and sometimes i fall on my face but its all a part of the journey. Where the journey is going I dont know - I'm just continuing to move forward and each day take a few more steps.

Dont beat yourself up if your not text-book perfect yet - its a process and it takes time and everyone's life and situations are different. A mother has love unconditional love and that gives us even more challanges in this recovery. I will always love my son no matter what he does but I wont allow him to destroy my life through his addiction anymore.

sleepygoat

detaching from a child may not look exactly the same as detaching from a S.O., i think.

I do the best I can with setting boundaries with my AD, and do the best I can with keeping them, just like you. But I also know I am tied to her as only a mom can be, and so I walk this fine line....

Sometimes the only way I know I need to do something different is when what i am doing puts me in bad place emotionally. Then I say, "Oh, that was a bad move. I'm not going to do that again." sometimes it takes more than one 'try' to keep my own darn boundaries that I myself decided to make! Sometimes I am manipulated by her and only realize it after the fact.

But overall, I am much, much better at 'having a good day' than I used to be regardless of what she's up to.

Don't be hard on yourself. Loving our addict kids and still letting them have consequences (while loving and caring for ourselves) is not for sissies.

gotahavfaith

Crazybabie
I do know how you feel. I also do not post here very much as I don't think I could be of very much help to anyone. But I read all these good people's posts. I am a mother also and can relate to trying to detach. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone
Gotahavfaith

rozied

Sleepygoat mothering an adult addict is certainly not for sissies.
Crazybaby, Yes I too feel the way you feel lots of the time. Somehow I wind up feeling bad or guilty even when I do what I know is the right thing. Its just a part I think of being a parent. For the first 18 yrs of their lives we spend our time taking care of them, and making sure they have what they need. Just because they get older doesn't mean we stop loving them or stop caring what happens to them. I keep reminding myself that if I do for him what he should be doing for himself, I am hurting him. It robs him of his right to grow and mature into a capable adult.
The thing is we cannot allow them to rob us of our right to have our own life.
You certainly are not alone.

familyhonors

there are thing I know I will never understand. That is when I just have to turn to the Savior and leave it with him

familyhonors

and his infinite atonement
my prayers are with you

hope213

it is hard, i know. my son is also my addict. i let go & let god everyday. i pray for him. i pratice all of my recovery. my son FINALLY quit calling because i kept telling him there was nothing i could do. call before you take that first drink, call before you get high. my son is also bipolar & he is in the beginning of a 9yr. prison term. i wish i had found & praticed a program at the beginning of his using. prayers for you both.

Chino

When was your son diagnosed with the disorders?

copperpenny

Bless you Crazybabie, May all the moms and parents on SR be blessed with peace and a HP. take care

AquaBlue

Hi Angie,

I can very much relate to how you feel. It sounds to me like you're doing a good job of learning to detach- it's SO difficult!! I'm still learning myself, so I don't have much to offer, just wanted to send hugs your way and tell you that you're not alone.

Take good care of yourself!

Serenity Bound

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Hugs from another mother of an addict.
Peace & prayers to you.

crazybabie

He was first diagnosed ADHD at around age 6 or 7, then he came to me and told me of three faces he was seeing and that were talking to him, he waas in second grade. They were slow to make exact DX trying to be as sure as possible, he has been in Bryce hospital in Alabama where we live.

So first DX age 6 and once he went through conduct disorder. oppositional defiance etc..that is when the antisocial was DX.. apparently they look for certain things during early years in order to DX the antisocial.

We were told he had a DX of bipolar with psychosis before they changed it about three years later to schizoaffective.

crazybabie

Thank all of you so very much. Winnie I have felt the same as you stated guilty for not being able to let go, after reading replies and being in a better state of mind I now know it is a process and I have to do it on my terms like some here stated. Guess I needed validation and did not realize it.
I hope everyone has a nice holiday.
Angie

Chino

That's an awful lot of fear, pain and frustration you've gone through as a mom for a very long time. My prayers are with you and may God grant you serenity.