cassandra2

I have something to admit to all of the wonderful people here that have for the last 2 months have given me advice, comfort, encouragement and sometimes their time.

I have been in serious denial. I have been posting and going on and on about how my addict was different, he was a good man, he still loves me and the kids, he is gonna change, he went to rehab, things will be different with us we will make it.

I know that now to be a lie. In the very depths of my heart I still tell myself that he will get better and come back to his family. Its a lie I have been telling myself for a long time. I refused to believe anyone no matter how bad things have gotten I still really thought he would get better.

I am so sorry that I am a sham. That I have been here encouraging people to leave when they come for support. I have been posting about how I am done with him and how angry he makes me. And the truth is I still very much love this man with all of my being and pray that he will find his way.

I am so sorry that I have not really listened to the kind people here and have kept insisting to people that I am searching for answers for me. In while that is still true I was also searching for him. Searching to understand how he would come back and how to handle this and how to do this. I have been unable to admit that I just dont want to give up on him.

I am a fighter. I believe in fighting for the things that you care about. I am doing all of this fighting and he is not. So I just wanted to tell you all how sorry I am that I have not been willing to admit these things. I havent been willing to allow myself to face reality. The reality is that he is gone. gone for good and I need to stop believing and hoping that that will change.

I truly am sorry......

hello-kitty

You are not a sham. He is. Focus on your own recovery. You have an incredible future ahead of you. Fight for you and fight for your kids. Let him fight for himself. Let him be the man he wants to be, without you trying to interfere or interpret. You be the woman YOU want to be. You can do that better than anyone.

What one thing have you done for you today, that will make your tomorrow better?

Did you remember to take the turkey out of the freezer?

In difficult times, I try to remember the things I have to be thankful for. It's called a gratitude list. My kids. My friends. And food on the table. When I count what I have to be grateful for, it completely outways the negative things in my life caused by an addict who isn't all that interested in saving himself or all the sage advice I have to offer.

kingston

For me Cassandra you don't have to apologize! I didn't want to loose the fight with my AH and his alcohol, one of the many reasons I stayed for 24 years.

I loved him with everything I had, emotionally, physically and everything in between. I gave up everything for him, including me. There was nothing left to give, just an empty husk filled with anger, resentment and bitterness.

But I've realized what I gave him, what I gave up just wasn't enough. I didn't have and I never would have what he needed. So I've done the best thing for me and ultimately I believe for him and that was leaving him. I have to work on my recovery and God willing he will find a way to work on his. In order for both of us to be happy and healthy we both need a recovery program.

We all believe the addict, at the time we need to believe them. Even though our inner voice and our friends and families will say no it's not true. My friends spend countless hours trying to help me.

But until I faced the truth which I believe you have just done, I couldn't get my recovery started.

Be kind to yourself, work on yourself, try to find something to smile about each day, baby steps. You will get there and you have lots of friends and support here on SR.

And again for me no need to apologize, you can't go wrong being honest about your feelings. Take care, K.

cessy68

cass, why be sorry? If any one is rightous than this isn't the place for them right? It is ALWAYS easier to see others situations and to give solid constructive advice, etc.
but we have a hard time giving it to ourselves..... that is why we are here - right? I think so.
I don't know if I'm wrong, but I say one thing one minute, and do something different the next.
When we talk to each other we think with our head.
When we look at our own situations- our heart and perhaps ego get in the way.
No reason at ALL to feel bad in my opinion.
Please, please,please, don't beat on yourself, you haven't done anything wrong-
Just need to learn-grow- and love youorself.
Take care
Cessy

cassandra2

I just read something from anvilhead in another post and for some reason it grabbed a hold of me. Gave me peace about all of this. I also believe at that very moment I needed to read those words. I have to learn about acceptance. TRUE acceptance. I have to know that I cannot change things that are the way they are suppose to be. This by no means is an accident. I cant tell you the reason behind this all happening but all will be revealed in time.

I am letting GOD take care of this for me.

Thank you anvilhead. I needed that quote. I needed to know that. I copied it to my email so that I can see it and read everyday and really learn to understand what acceptance is.

cinderellawkids

Seeing your own denial is a great big step. Did you get achance to read my thread roller coaster life? Its sorta a poen but oh so true.
Outsiders to this day see my husband as an attribute to me, they only see what I first saw and not the deep addiction that infiltrates through his very person.

mooselips

cassandra2,
Ah sweetie, you're not the only one. We all love our addicts and want them to succeed in recovery. We all want to believe them when they lie.

I know I did for a LONG time, until I finally saw the light. Somedays I still slip and slide, but not too often anymore.


No sorrys, necessary, we're all on the same ship here.

Hugs and hugs...

winnie12

You have no reason to feel like you should apologize to this group - we have probably all been standing in your shoes many times in our lives.

I used to fight the good fight - i would do anything for those i love. If they had told me if i cut off my right arm that all their problems would go away i would have done it. Now i realize i was the only one fighting and the only one that wanted things to change - they just strung me along so that i would take care of them. so instead of changing them - which i couldnt do - i'm changing myself and my own life. I'm still a fighter but for my own life and for those who stand next to me and fight alongside me - not for those who just want me to be their hero.

Congratulations for hitting this stage

Freedom1990

Hey gal, no apology necessary! I am not only in recovery from alcoholism/addiction, but was also married to an addict/alkie, so I've been on both sides of the fence.

We each have our own journey, and let me tell you, when it came to codependency and being a loved one, I was a slooooooooow learner (like 14 long years into my recovery from alcoholism/addiction) before I saw my denial in that area.

:ghug :ghug

marle

Yup another one here that occasionally still slips and slides like Moose said. But I am getting better and you can too. I so want my daughter to never use drugs again. I know that is possible but the only person who can make that happen is my daughter. Knowing that, really knowing it, makes a huge difference in how much I am willing to help. I have been where you are and when I look back I see it as just part of my road to recovery. We are impurfect humans and as such we will make mistakes. It is the learning from those mistakes that makes a difference. Hugs, Marle

Limiya

Cass,
Don't apologise here. We've all been there.
The reason i stayed as long as i did with Alex was cause i would keep fighting. I believed it would all work out in the end, even though the cold hard facts were staring me in the face.
It took me 2 years to get him commit to a relationship with me, and i was pleased with myself for not giving up. Then when he did, that was when things showed up for what they really were.
In the end i realised the best thing for him and me was to STOP FIGHTING!!
Just allow the fact he is not fit to look after himself, let alone anyone else.

I'll repeat myself, no need to apologise.
(((HUGS)))

~Limiya~

Chino

You didn't do anything to me so no need to apologize

Kudos to you on this step! When I let go of denial everything started focusing a little better.

cassandra2

So I went to the 12 steps and really looked at the first step and began to honestly answer the questions of accepting that I cannot control another persons actions or behaviors.

I found this enlightening. In my life right now controlling my ex's behavior/actions has been the following: Helping, suggesting, directing, planning, pushing, or thinking of ways that he is gonna get better, come back, have remorse, or anything else I think of in my head.

Those are all ways that I am trying to control the ex. Just as I have had my AHAAAA moment with this first step he will have to also. I ponder how that is going to happen I cannot control how that is going to happen. But in my case I was stumblin along and BAM it happened for me. I have to assume that GOD is in control of the situation and really ACCEPT that HE will drive the car.

I have also tried to control his behavior. And here is the interesting thing I have discovered. When you are losing control of yourself you tend to highlight other peoples loss of control. At least that is how my ex was. He would say he cant get the kids to listen to him. Thinking back, when he started feeling that way is when he was losing his grip with those pills. Loss of control then leads to blaming others when really you should be saying I LOST CONTROL.

I find this truly fascinating about myself. That I really was trying to control this situation. Like I could think or feel my way out of it. Its not my situation to control.....

Impurrfect

(((Cassandra)))

No apology necessary. Most of us don't realize when we ARE in denial...that's why it's called denial. For me, it was necessary for a while, because my heart just couldn't take all the overwhelming grief all at once...I had to ease into it, so my denial had to be chipped away, a little at a time. I had to keep banging my head against that wall, until it finally sunk in that what I was doing just wasn't going to work...nothing changed if nothing changed. I could say it all day long, but I had to accept it and feel it in my gut, and that took time.

We all get that "aHA" momemt whenever we get it. We take it and run, and then we get another. You've still made a lot of progress, and I hope you realize that. We slip and slide back, every now and then, but we keep on learning and moving forward.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

hello-kitty

Have you tried an al-anon meeting? You can work the steps with a sponsor. They are nearly the same steps as in AA, only they are geared towards spouses of Alcoholics/Addicts.

hello-kitty

lol Anvil. A recovering addict (now deceased) who helped me greatly once said...

Katie, god is sending you a message. The first time he sends it, it may come gently, on the breeze. The second time, it may slam into you like a brick wall, the third time, you may feel like you were hit by a freight train. But eventually you will get it. He will do whatever it takes to make sure you get it.

cassandra2

I can honestly say I am not really ready for a meeting.....yet....baby steps.....I cannot control his aha moment. I have to have faith and believe that either way if it comes or not its not up to me. I feel really good saying that. It takes alot of pressure off of me. I feel like I have been the little hamster on a wheel going around and around. Never really understanding much of any of this except what I wanted to.

I have actually come to the point where I can say IF he finds recovery or IF he figures it out and this is the biggest. He may NEVER get to that point. AHHHHHH.....I said it. And ya know what it didnt hurt to bad.

Right now things are as they should be FOR ME.

cassandra2

I just love the creative way you speak anvil....
Drawing word pictures makes things so much easier to understand. That is exactly how I felt. Its funny looking back now I thought that I could control his actions. Maybe not by taping his mouth and nose up so he could do drugs but by all the things I listed. When you really start to look at your own behavior its amazing how crazy it was to be doing that......

Instead of seeing him for what he was and trying to move on with my life I fell into a trap of trying to fix it. I am not beating myself up or anything just concluding what I was doing NOT HIM. Really seeing myself in action has made me understand that its never really about anybody but ourselves.....

rozied

Oh Cass you are so right. It is all about ourselves. You have no reason to apologize either. You saw it when you were ready to see it. I think it was Kahil Gilbran ( spelling is wrong I think ) and he said you cannot see something unless it is already dawning in your own consciousness.
When my life feels like it is starting to get unmanageable I focus on the things I can do like making the bed, doing the dishes or the wash, cooking dinner etc etc.etc.
Now that you are not trying to fix him anymore you can get busy working on who you can work on, yourself. Its an exciting journey this self-discovery.
Hugs,
Diane

hello-kitty

I do this too. I clean the kitchen until it sparkles. I pick up the toys lying around the house. I should focus on the laundry but I hate it...