I owe you all an apology
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
Cass,
I recently posted apologizing for the same thing only, a year later. I had been posting here on a regular basis when AH went to rehab and with in 3 months was smoking crack. His DOC was alcohol for many years but when he was fired from his first job out of college he began to circle the drain. We separated 650 miles apart. I believe it was the most difficult time in my life even over the death of my first husband. Maybe because that was final. But, any ways I stopped posting, AH and I started talking again. We did reconcile after a yr and a half. I believed him when he said he was clean. He was living on his own, working two jobs and sending me money. He wasn't clean and NEVER was. Off the crack but still drinking and pill popping. I think you know the rest of the story. When I started posting again there were quite a few private messages in my mail that I hadn't ever even read from the yr prior when I stopped posting. I apologized to everyone for their kind words, but as always all they did was give their unconditional love, support and understanding. My family can't even do that since they've been on this nasty ride with me one two many times. I told you so is all I hear from them and I understand how they feel.
I did get what I thought I wanted when we reconciled and he said he was clean. I was so happy and content for 2 months. But then I KNEW he was using again. Went through a brief period of denial (he said I was being paranoid) after all wasn't he doing good? He really wasn't he just didn't see that I could tell this time by his behavior changes that he was using. So, in my last post I was having one of my bad days (I have more of the bad than good, but it's a process I've been through before) and my anger was directed at him for lying to me, the one he says he loves and at me for believing him and not listening to the kind words and advice here. I went to my psych Doc today and told him what was going on. I didn't tell him last time because I thought he would say I told you so too!! But, he like all of the wonderful people at SR told me not to beat myself up for his problems. He said and this applies to you as well " you love him, you wanted to believe he'd get better, you did nothing wrong". He continued to say " don't you beat yourself up for his actions and decisions, they are his to own". We MUST take care of ourselves even when it feels impossible to do.
You don't have to apologize for being human. You love an addict and as all of us know , it's painful to see what they do, how they choose their DOC over their loved ones and can't see what we see so clearly.
I'm hovering between anger and sadness right now with anger being the prominent emotion I am feeling. The first time he left I was a walking mess, I had lost over 20lbs in 3 months (that was nice lol) but not healthy. I haven't had a problem with my appetite or sleep this time. I was talking to my RA brother last night and he said maybe this time you just are sick and tired of being sick and tired.
If I could turn back the hands of time I wouldn't have taken him back. I would've been so far on my way back to myself if I didn't but it was something I had to experience to get to this point. Meaning acceptance. Don't get me wrong I still have my moments (maybe this time will do it, maybe he'll see what he's lost and realize he needs help) but that thinking is what got me back into his chaotic way of living, in which I was easily manipulated by him into believing his lies. It still hurts me to see that after just a month he has picked himself up to the point of getting a job and an apartment and starting out with a clean slate. But, I have to remind myself that's an illusion. If his slate were clean he wouldn't have to numb himself through his pain.
I'm giving the no contact a go again. We pm'd each other about this and we both slipped up because we are human. Each slip makes me stronger. It infuriates me that HE is having (or so it seems) no difficulty with this (no contact). He never has, it's always been me to say don't call me then I end up being the one to call him. I still get urges daily, mostly because I'm angry and want to tell him so. But then I remind myself he don't care how I feel, he never did when it comes to his addiction. This is his usual pattern (sad that I been through this so many times that his behavior is predictable). He usually starts trying to manipulate my emotions after about 2-3months apart. You see with my AH, he doesn't want to quit his DOC but he doesn't want me to move on with my life either. I'll be posting and posting and posting when he starts this up because that's my danger zone.
I'm sorry for your pain. Working on acceptance is where I am right now and it sounds like you are at that point to. We're on the same road sister!! Some here are further ahead of us and they are the ones that help guide us in the right direction. Some here are a little behind us and we try to guide them with our experience. Some of us are at the same place and we feel a kinship with them as our struggles at the time are similar. No matter where we, we all have one common bound: ADDICTION.
You are a loving, caring and kind hearted woman and you don't deserve this so please don't make it any worse by beating yourself up for being human. For loving someone with all of your heart and hoping for the best. (((((((HUGS))))))))))) PM me any time.
I recently posted apologizing for the same thing only, a year later. I had been posting here on a regular basis when AH went to rehab and with in 3 months was smoking crack. His DOC was alcohol for many years but when he was fired from his first job out of college he began to circle the drain. We separated 650 miles apart. I believe it was the most difficult time in my life even over the death of my first husband. Maybe because that was final. But, any ways I stopped posting, AH and I started talking again. We did reconcile after a yr and a half. I believed him when he said he was clean. He was living on his own, working two jobs and sending me money. He wasn't clean and NEVER was. Off the crack but still drinking and pill popping. I think you know the rest of the story. When I started posting again there were quite a few private messages in my mail that I hadn't ever even read from the yr prior when I stopped posting. I apologized to everyone for their kind words, but as always all they did was give their unconditional love, support and understanding. My family can't even do that since they've been on this nasty ride with me one two many times. I told you so is all I hear from them and I understand how they feel.
I did get what I thought I wanted when we reconciled and he said he was clean. I was so happy and content for 2 months. But then I KNEW he was using again. Went through a brief period of denial (he said I was being paranoid) after all wasn't he doing good? He really wasn't he just didn't see that I could tell this time by his behavior changes that he was using. So, in my last post I was having one of my bad days (I have more of the bad than good, but it's a process I've been through before) and my anger was directed at him for lying to me, the one he says he loves and at me for believing him and not listening to the kind words and advice here. I went to my psych Doc today and told him what was going on. I didn't tell him last time because I thought he would say I told you so too!! But, he like all of the wonderful people at SR told me not to beat myself up for his problems. He said and this applies to you as well " you love him, you wanted to believe he'd get better, you did nothing wrong". He continued to say " don't you beat yourself up for his actions and decisions, they are his to own". We MUST take care of ourselves even when it feels impossible to do.
You don't have to apologize for being human. You love an addict and as all of us know , it's painful to see what they do, how they choose their DOC over their loved ones and can't see what we see so clearly.
I'm hovering between anger and sadness right now with anger being the prominent emotion I am feeling. The first time he left I was a walking mess, I had lost over 20lbs in 3 months (that was nice lol) but not healthy. I haven't had a problem with my appetite or sleep this time. I was talking to my RA brother last night and he said maybe this time you just are sick and tired of being sick and tired.
If I could turn back the hands of time I wouldn't have taken him back. I would've been so far on my way back to myself if I didn't but it was something I had to experience to get to this point. Meaning acceptance. Don't get me wrong I still have my moments (maybe this time will do it, maybe he'll see what he's lost and realize he needs help) but that thinking is what got me back into his chaotic way of living, in which I was easily manipulated by him into believing his lies. It still hurts me to see that after just a month he has picked himself up to the point of getting a job and an apartment and starting out with a clean slate. But, I have to remind myself that's an illusion. If his slate were clean he wouldn't have to numb himself through his pain.
I'm giving the no contact a go again. We pm'd each other about this and we both slipped up because we are human. Each slip makes me stronger. It infuriates me that HE is having (or so it seems) no difficulty with this (no contact). He never has, it's always been me to say don't call me then I end up being the one to call him. I still get urges daily, mostly because I'm angry and want to tell him so. But then I remind myself he don't care how I feel, he never did when it comes to his addiction. This is his usual pattern (sad that I been through this so many times that his behavior is predictable). He usually starts trying to manipulate my emotions after about 2-3months apart. You see with my AH, he doesn't want to quit his DOC but he doesn't want me to move on with my life either. I'll be posting and posting and posting when he starts this up because that's my danger zone.
I'm sorry for your pain. Working on acceptance is where I am right now and it sounds like you are at that point to. We're on the same road sister!! Some here are further ahead of us and they are the ones that help guide us in the right direction. Some here are a little behind us and we try to guide them with our experience. Some of us are at the same place and we feel a kinship with them as our struggles at the time are similar. No matter where we, we all have one common bound: ADDICTION.
You are a loving, caring and kind hearted woman and you don't deserve this so please don't make it any worse by beating yourself up for being human. For loving someone with all of your heart and hoping for the best. (((((((HUGS))))))))))) PM me any time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Thanx blizz...That was very nice of you. I just got another dose of addict spew and your post made me feel better.
He is so very very lost. In the most unbelievable pain. Is so sad and hopeless. And too blind to see that the path is right before him everyday he goes to rehab. Its strange even after the horrible things he just got done telling me I am at peace. I cannot control his behavior. I can only control what I do. I spoke to him calmly and told him my side and he got angier so I turned around and chose not to continue the conversation.
And ya know the sad part is that he keeps having to remind me that its over. I know that I asked you to leave is what I keep thinking. The amount of hate and anger at himself is so very apparent. I was upset at first but then when I looked at it from the perspective of his an addict thats what addicts do I was able to let go.
Everything is as it should be.....
He is so very very lost. In the most unbelievable pain. Is so sad and hopeless. And too blind to see that the path is right before him everyday he goes to rehab. Its strange even after the horrible things he just got done telling me I am at peace. I cannot control his behavior. I can only control what I do. I spoke to him calmly and told him my side and he got angier so I turned around and chose not to continue the conversation.
And ya know the sad part is that he keeps having to remind me that its over. I know that I asked you to leave is what I keep thinking. The amount of hate and anger at himself is so very apparent. I was upset at first but then when I looked at it from the perspective of his an addict thats what addicts do I was able to let go.
Everything is as it should be.....
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by hello-kitty 
lol Anvil. A recovering addict (now deceased) who helped me greatly once said...
Katie, god is sending you a message. The first time he sends it, it may come gently, on the breeze. The second time, it may slam into you like a brick wall, the third time, you may feel like you were hit by a freight train. But eventually you will get it. He will do whatever it takes to make sure you get it.
Katie, god is sending you a message. The first time he sends it, it may come gently, on the breeze. The second time, it may slam into you like a brick wall, the third time, you may feel like you were hit by a freight train. But eventually you will get it. He will do whatever it takes to make sure you get it.
God tried to send me many many messages and I ignored them everytime.. it was only when I hit rock bottom that I paid attention.. Man, if I had only paid attention the first time, how much easier life would have been for me.. but maybe I wasn't meant to pay attention the first time, maybe Gods plan for me was for me to travel down into the bottom pits of hell in order for me to be able to learn the lessons that I needed to learn and grow from my experiences..
Cassandra, I'm chiming in late but there is no need for apologies.. In fact I want to thank you for your post because through your post, some wonderful people including yourself have shared some awesome insights that have made me see things in a new perspective.. I was in denial for a very long time,, it wasn't until recently that I begain to accept things as they were.. the things that are in my life now are how things are supposed to be at this very moment.. it's all part of the bigger plan God has for me..
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 127
Hi There. I do the same thing. I believe mine is different. Sometimes I know it isn't true sometimes I just hope it to be so. Tonight I realized that mine really doesn't care about me, only about himself and I am just here to fill in the time for him when there is not a buddy to drink with. I stood in my kitchen and shed a few tears but it also took a really little amount of the weight off my shoulders. He is like them all, he is not the husband I deserve or the husband I married. Now I have to decide what to do with it all. I think what you are going through is part of the process. We have to have faith in them or we wouldn't be around would we. Its just so hard realizing that we put faith in them and in the way we thought they felt about us. I find I take two steps back for every step I take forward in this crazy life of mine. If you are a sham Cassandra2...then so am I.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I don't really think you need to apologize. Addiction is very confusing. It is very difficult to reconcile in our minds all the time and love we have given to something as cruel as addiction.
I hope you will find your way the one that works for you.
I hope you will find your way the one that works for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Immpurfect made a nice point and one that I am going through, sometimes we need a degree of denial because all of it at once would be too much at once for us.
And the Gibrahn quote that it begins in the dawning of our consciousness, and works it's way into our reality. Sorry I fumble the quote.
And the Gibrahn quote that it begins in the dawning of our consciousness, and works it's way into our reality. Sorry I fumble the quote.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
I agree with everyone here that said no apology needed.....................remember always~~~~~to thine own self be true
you owe us nothing, we're all here to share and support one another.......good bad or indifferent we each walk our own paths and we learn and become aware at our own pace.
you've made steps forward ................for YOU. You've learned something for you, now you can continue forward to find what it is you want, need and deserve!!
good job! be proud of yourself
you owe us nothing, we're all here to share and support one another.......good bad or indifferent we each walk our own paths and we learn and become aware at our own pace.
you've made steps forward ................for YOU. You've learned something for you, now you can continue forward to find what it is you want, need and deserve!!
good job! be proud of yourself
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
No need to apologize, we all love an addict, we all want to fight, we all want to believe WE can make the difference. (we're codies aren't we)
I think each person takes their own time in admitting, and accepting....it's taken me a long time to finally Let Go & Let God!!! (without my interference)
Hugs to you.
Chris
I think each person takes their own time in admitting, and accepting....it's taken me a long time to finally Let Go & Let God!!! (without my interference)
Hugs to you.
Chris
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
You owe no one an apology. You are no different then the rest of us here. I always thought AS was different then the rest of the addicts. We all want to fix them, but as you know it is far beyond our control. Stop being so hard on your self and focus on your recovery sounds like youv'e been doing that. Hugs and Prayers.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 149
cassandra.
there is no need to apologize. the people that post here love you for who you are, and more importantly, they understand because they have --been-- there or atleast can understand being there. We understand how hard it is.
if you are posting, you are TRYING and that is good enough, you dont have to accept our advice or wisdom, thats something we all got from trying things on our own. You are trying too, and you will get there.
You dont need to apologize. you are doing the best you can with what you have.
you are trying, you are here, you are caring, and you have helped other- maybe you could tell other people what you couldnt do for yourself because as a person it is easier to give to others than to give to yourself.
were here for you, love you unconditionally and support you as you walk you own path.
there is no need to apologize. the people that post here love you for who you are, and more importantly, they understand because they have --been-- there or atleast can understand being there. We understand how hard it is.
if you are posting, you are TRYING and that is good enough, you dont have to accept our advice or wisdom, thats something we all got from trying things on our own. You are trying too, and you will get there.
You dont need to apologize. you are doing the best you can with what you have.
you are trying, you are here, you are caring, and you have helped other- maybe you could tell other people what you couldnt do for yourself because as a person it is easier to give to others than to give to yourself.
were here for you, love you unconditionally and support you as you walk you own path.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
Just like it takes what it takes for an addict - it took what it took for me.
I was as addicted to them as they were to the drug - I was in denial about their behavior (and mine!) as they were. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. And even today, 25 years in codie recovery - I can take a few steps backward - because I so much want it to be different. I believe God doesn't give me more than I can handle - and if I knew the whole truth of my sons' addiction early on - I probably would have killed myself.
So give yourself a hug - be gentle with yourself - do something special for yourself today. Treat yourself like you would treat someone else - with love and caring and compassion. I was always harder on myself - and more judgemental about me - than I ever would be with someone else.
And just remember, at least for this codie, the holidays are just really tough. For me, it is just a part of the grief process - of letting go of what "could have been" without addiction - of letting go of what "Ozzie and Harriett had" -
and learning to make new memories. And sometimes just having a good cry!
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
I was as addicted to them as they were to the drug - I was in denial about their behavior (and mine!) as they were. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. And even today, 25 years in codie recovery - I can take a few steps backward - because I so much want it to be different. I believe God doesn't give me more than I can handle - and if I knew the whole truth of my sons' addiction early on - I probably would have killed myself.
So give yourself a hug - be gentle with yourself - do something special for yourself today. Treat yourself like you would treat someone else - with love and caring and compassion. I was always harder on myself - and more judgemental about me - than I ever would be with someone else.
And just remember, at least for this codie, the holidays are just really tough. For me, it is just a part of the grief process - of letting go of what "could have been" without addiction - of letting go of what "Ozzie and Harriett had" -
and learning to make new memories. And sometimes just having a good cry!
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
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