a visual of what others see in my life
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
a visual of what others see in my life
My boyfriend is addicted to coke, percs, oxy, alcohol. gee the only thing I'm missing is crack or heroin.
He thinks the only prob is the pills- the "rest he could stop no prob"
Yea, uh huh.
Here is the odd thing- I never thought he is what an "addict" looks like.
I thought addicts to be obvious. I thought they were fall down drunks, or scraggaly homless looking people.
What everyone else around me sees, a very attractive, social, funny, hardworking, excellent credit fun,fun, guy.
When I see our mutual friends- they don't understand why I'm upset when we are out, or socially drinking, etc. (business dinners etc)
They don't understand it is because I know he is high as a kite on pills, or that he just went into a bathroom and did a line.
They don't see that he is a selfish miserable empty shell of a human being.
They don't see the pain that he inflicts on my spirit on a daily basis, the depression when he isn't useing, or the anger when he is comming down of a high and I have something to say about it.
They don't see that it has impacted our intamacy- that that most times with him i feel very alone.
When we were at a function last weekend- EVERYONE commented on what an "amazing couple" we make.
Little do they know.
And boy- those are the things that have made me come back in the first place- looking at the glimpses that others see in him- and praying that is how he would be the majority of the time, rather than in miniscuel amounts of time.
I view him when we are apart as everyone else does- when I am not with him and people say "hey hows...... " I ache inside. I want to say- aw, hes phenomenal in a hotel room cause I kicked him out again - because he is a selfish drug addict that gives nothing to our relationship other than a damn headache and heartache.
WHY WHY WHY - does it get to me- that other people see the facade- and I trick my own brain thinking "is he THAT bad"
Any suggestions- because I'm trying to get up the courage to ask him to leave again- and this is a stumbbling block EVERYTIME for me.
Take care
Cess
He thinks the only prob is the pills- the "rest he could stop no prob"
Yea, uh huh.
Here is the odd thing- I never thought he is what an "addict" looks like.
I thought addicts to be obvious. I thought they were fall down drunks, or scraggaly homless looking people.
What everyone else around me sees, a very attractive, social, funny, hardworking, excellent credit fun,fun, guy.
When I see our mutual friends- they don't understand why I'm upset when we are out, or socially drinking, etc. (business dinners etc)
They don't understand it is because I know he is high as a kite on pills, or that he just went into a bathroom and did a line.
They don't see that he is a selfish miserable empty shell of a human being.
They don't see the pain that he inflicts on my spirit on a daily basis, the depression when he isn't useing, or the anger when he is comming down of a high and I have something to say about it.
They don't see that it has impacted our intamacy- that that most times with him i feel very alone.
When we were at a function last weekend- EVERYONE commented on what an "amazing couple" we make.
Little do they know.
And boy- those are the things that have made me come back in the first place- looking at the glimpses that others see in him- and praying that is how he would be the majority of the time, rather than in miniscuel amounts of time.
I view him when we are apart as everyone else does- when I am not with him and people say "hey hows...... " I ache inside. I want to say- aw, hes phenomenal in a hotel room cause I kicked him out again - because he is a selfish drug addict that gives nothing to our relationship other than a damn headache and heartache.
WHY WHY WHY - does it get to me- that other people see the facade- and I trick my own brain thinking "is he THAT bad"
Any suggestions- because I'm trying to get up the courage to ask him to leave again- and this is a stumbbling block EVERYTIME for me.
Take care
Cess
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Ma
Posts: 320
Cessy...I have been there. Everyone loved my ex-abf. They said similar things to me while all along he was high. Only you know what goes on behind the closed door. I know how it feels when people ask about him. It hurts now, but just know you are doing the right thing for yourself. It will get easier as time passes. I can finally tell people that I broke it off with my ex because he has a drug problem. I don't get into details about him stealing and stuff and people are very receptive when I share even the slightest bit of info. I have found a lot of people give me their support now and know not to ask more questions after I say he has a drug problem. If they do, I just inform them that I hope someday he will get the help he needs but I can't let someone like that drag me down.
Believe me, it took a long time for me to be able to say anything at all. I was in denial. I also felt embarassed and ashamed. Now I know I did nothing wrong so I am not. I have come to terms and let it go. Ex-abf is in the hands of his higher power now. He's in a program but I can see he is not there for himself, just by his actions. I hope someday he gets it, but its not my problem anymore.
NO one can tell you what to do or when you will feel better but time heals all wounds. It might not feel like it now, but it will get better. Keep coming here. Get some books, check out a meeting if you can. Put yourself first. Stay strong.
Believe me, it took a long time for me to be able to say anything at all. I was in denial. I also felt embarassed and ashamed. Now I know I did nothing wrong so I am not. I have come to terms and let it go. Ex-abf is in the hands of his higher power now. He's in a program but I can see he is not there for himself, just by his actions. I hope someday he gets it, but its not my problem anymore.
NO one can tell you what to do or when you will feel better but time heals all wounds. It might not feel like it now, but it will get better. Keep coming here. Get some books, check out a meeting if you can. Put yourself first. Stay strong.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Cessy
You can't worry about how your bf appears to the outside world.. addiction will tell on itself sooner then later and pretty soon the whole world will know the truth... you just can't hide it for long..
As for it destroying you.. I used to feel that way too.. then I realized that I was allowing my AH's addiction to break my spirit, bring me down and have complete power over my life.. when I started to seriously work a program, I begain to reprogram my thoughts and have to come to the realization that I'm the only one in control of my thoughts, well being and happiness.. My AH's addiction no longer has any power over me.
I'm no longer embarrassed about my AH's addiction.. it is what it is and it has nothing to do with me or the person that I am.. what a load off my shoulders.. now I don't have to make everything appear perfect and normal around family and friends so that they wont know the awful truth of the chaos that I have been living in.. the only person that is living in chaos is my AH..
There comes a point when you just have to let go of expectations for your addict and just take care of yourself..
You can't worry about how your bf appears to the outside world.. addiction will tell on itself sooner then later and pretty soon the whole world will know the truth... you just can't hide it for long..
As for it destroying you.. I used to feel that way too.. then I realized that I was allowing my AH's addiction to break my spirit, bring me down and have complete power over my life.. when I started to seriously work a program, I begain to reprogram my thoughts and have to come to the realization that I'm the only one in control of my thoughts, well being and happiness.. My AH's addiction no longer has any power over me.
I'm no longer embarrassed about my AH's addiction.. it is what it is and it has nothing to do with me or the person that I am.. what a load off my shoulders.. now I don't have to make everything appear perfect and normal around family and friends so that they wont know the awful truth of the chaos that I have been living in.. the only person that is living in chaos is my AH..
There comes a point when you just have to let go of expectations for your addict and just take care of yourself..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
Posts: 201
Hey girl,
I see what you mean. My ex is addicted to coke too, and alchohol. A lot of people just think he's a bit drunk when we're out. They don't realise he's high on cocaine and it's not cause he has a weak bladder that he keeps dissapearing to the bathrooms.
Most people don't have addicts in their lives, so don't suspect a thing.
Me n Alex were on holiday in Spain once, and the one night he got wasted, we bumped into some family friends of mine. The mother kept saying 'Isn't he handsome? Ohh he's so sweet and talkative. Isn't he lovely?'
I thought, yeah right, if you knew he was on drugs right now you wouldn't think that.
Remember, they're not the ones dealing with this on a constant basis. If they had to, they would feel the same as you, and be mortified.
They are only catching glimpses of this man in a social setting. They don't know anything else.
It's heartbreaking because what they say to you is how you want it to be. But the reality is that it's far different.
Hugs to you,
~Limiya~
I see what you mean. My ex is addicted to coke too, and alchohol. A lot of people just think he's a bit drunk when we're out. They don't realise he's high on cocaine and it's not cause he has a weak bladder that he keeps dissapearing to the bathrooms.
Most people don't have addicts in their lives, so don't suspect a thing.
Me n Alex were on holiday in Spain once, and the one night he got wasted, we bumped into some family friends of mine. The mother kept saying 'Isn't he handsome? Ohh he's so sweet and talkative. Isn't he lovely?'
I thought, yeah right, if you knew he was on drugs right now you wouldn't think that.
Remember, they're not the ones dealing with this on a constant basis. If they had to, they would feel the same as you, and be mortified.
They are only catching glimpses of this man in a social setting. They don't know anything else.
It's heartbreaking because what they say to you is how you want it to be. But the reality is that it's far different.
Hugs to you,
~Limiya~
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