rozied

I started a new thread so everyone would not have to scroll through all the old posts to know I made my decision. I am not going to sell the car and give him money for a lawyer. I feel he should stay right where he is unless he gets out by his own efforts. If he can get out without anyone else's help then he will be out but I am not lifting a finger. I have enough to do without taking that upon myself.
I still cannot believe he even asked me to do this. He knew I wouldn't do it back in July and thats why he asked his father. I am sorry in a way that my ex's cousin didn't take the car she laid out money for, then I wouldn't have to be dealing with this now. Well let my ex pay her back. I told him not to do it. I wonder how my ex liked having his son run up over a $500 phone bill. Now he can pay his cousin back for both things, the car and the phone. I guess my ex is getting a taste of what he did to everyone else for so many yrs. Serves him right for not listening to me but I think his guilt got in the way.
I am still finding it hard to say no to my son. I KNOW its the right thing to do and I KNOW it is for his own good. I must keep telling myself that I am saying no because I love him so much and more than anything I want him to get well. The only way that will happen is if he is left alone to accept the full consequences of his actions. I MUST KEEP TELLING MYSELF THAT!!!

winnie12

Good for you!
The more you say No the easier it will get for you. I learned to say No and not explain why - that helped to diffuse the manipulation that always came afterwards.

rozied

I don't know why it makes me uncomfortable to say no. I want the absolute best for my children like most parents. Being I now know saying yes to him will only prolong his addiction why do I still feel bad.
In his letter all he could say was it wasn't fair that he had to spend 17 months more in jail cuz of an arguement at wk & for stealing $24 worth of steaks BUT its not only that. Its cuz he is always on parole when he gets into trouble plus he is a repeat offender. He never mentioned being back at wk release cuz of the lawyer or that the reason he got sent back was he was 9 hrs late and had been using. Its like he forgot all that and it only was a little over a month ago.
I am very angry at myself cuz I feel bad saying no.

CatsPajamas

Rozie,

It was so incredibly hard for me to say "no" to my kids in their teens. We had developed this bad communication style - they knew just what to say and what buttons to push in order to get me to do what they wanted. When I first started setting boundaries and saying NO they pushed even harder. They were surprised that I had changed the dance... one of them even told me "you're not doing this right! I say 'this' and you say 'that' and then I say 'this' and you do 'that' !"

NO is a complete sentence. (I had to tell myself that again and again so I'd remember)

And I also told myself and anyone else who would listen that my son had some really important life lessons to learn and they weren't from me. It made me feel better to think I was doing him a favor somehow.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: this mom stuff ain't for weenies.

rozied

Oh u got that right, mom stuff sure ain't for weenies!!!
I will try & use that sentence you used. He does have life lessons he has to learn and they are not from me either.
I just don't understand why we feel bad when we have to say no. I was told no growing up.

Chino

I hated saying no to my daughter in her teens because it was a major hassle. It was easy to say no to my son because, even when he was a little boy, he could be reasoned with. Looking back I should have worn earplugs when she started screeching.

Impurrfect

(((Rozied)))

Take it from this RA, you are doing the most loving thing you can do...saying "NO". If it helps you at all, when you say "no" think of the person I am and that the only reason I am where I am in my recovery is because my dad said "I love you, but you have to do this on your own", as he let me sit in jail.

I am not perfect, by any means, but my recovery is strong, only because I was forced to deal with my consequences...and still am. I have a ton of support, but I'm the one who had to follow the rules of probation, I'm the one who has to pay my bills, and I'm the one who knows that without my recovery, I have nothing. I wouldn't be where I am if someone had made it easier on me.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

rozied

Thanks for sharing Amy and God Bless. You are doing great with your recovery. You should be very proud of yourself. Life is so much more enjoyable when we have our priorities straight.
I will keep thinking about you when its time to write Joey a letter.
Love,
Diane

Freedom1990

Both of my daughters learned it didn't take much to wear me down and I'd say yes.

That was a very hard behavior for me to unlearn.

Believe me, after my youngest ran away and was in the system for 16 months before she was allowed to come home, I took parenting classes geared towards teens, I did a lot of reading on tough love and I practiced practiced practiced over and over in my head.

In the end I realized it was NOT easier saying yes. I had crippled both of my daughters in the opportunities to grow and mature by not saying no.

I thank God today that my youngest and I have a closer relationship than I ever dared hope for and that is because I have allowed her to deal with the consequences of all her choices.

She respects me today, and that is something that wasn't there before when I was letting her run rough shod over me.

You hang in there, gal! :ghug :ghug

marle

Hugs to you Rozied. I know that for me whenever my daughter had a problem it was more comfortable for me to fix it than to feel the anxiety of the what ifs. So really I solved her problems so that I did not feel uncomfortable. Since my daughter has been back from the halfway house I have been pulling away more and more and just seeing what she can do for herself. She is staying clean, working a job and paying back her debts. Last week she was worrying about money. This week she has her bills paid and a little left over. She is doing it herself and that gives her a sense of pride that me paying her bills would have taken away from her. Let Joey figure it out. If his letters bother you, don't read them. Put them in a box and maybe someday when he has things figured out you can read them to remind yourself that doing nothing is sometimes really doing something. Hugs, Marle

outtolunch

I really like this, Marle.

rozied

Thank you for your valuable input.
Devon & Marle you both wrote me excellent posts & something I will refer to again and again.
Thanks everyone it does make it easier to do what I know is right.
diane