lovesmenot74

I really just cannot take much more of this. It's just soooooo unfair that I'm here hurting so bad and he doesn't even care that he's left me this way.

Be forewarned that this post is going to be mostly self-pity and whining ... PLEASE be gentle with my feelings because I'm just about over the edge.

I started erasing old messages off my answering machine ... yup, that was all it took to get me here ... and this is why I feel like ppl THINK I'm getting better when really I'm not. On the answering machine are a couple of messages from him. One when he was in jail after I kicked him out - he's left a message saying "can I please talk to you" all sad and remorseful ... and the other was left when he was looking for me to come collect his last social assistance check that was mailed here. That's all it took ... the sound of his voice ... and I'm a crying heap again in so much pain I actually curled up on the floor in the kitchen and cried and cried and cried.

WHY DOESN'T HE LOVE ME??? How can he go from begging to start over to completely shutting me out in a matter of a month? How can he not want to call me? WHY, of ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, did he have to choose me to use, suck dry, and leave me with NOTHING??? I was FINE without him ... I hadn't known the depth of love I felt for him and because I hadn't known it, I had nothing to MISS ... NOW I DO ... and I can't breathe from the pain. WAS IT ALL A LIE??? It had to be a lie if he could just up and go find someone new so soon after telling me he wanted to start over. WHY would he LIE to me??? How could someone look at me, see that I'm sensitive and loving, and then turn around and continue to use me knowing that it would completely devastate me??? How could you do this to another human being?? I'm completely broken and I'm trying so hard to put the pieces back together and it's just too hard ... it's just not fair. I want him to feel this pain. I want him to feel what he did to me ... and I want him to be sorry. NONE of the things that will make me feel better are in my control so what the he!! am I supposed to do now??

I'm so weak. People tell me I'm strong because I'm surviving this but honestly I don't feel like I'm surviving this at all ... it's slowly crushing me ... and it's the most painful thing I've ever been thru ... and I want it to STOP NOW.

Why am I being punished, yet again, for his actions and choices?? All I ever wanted was just to love him and for him to love me ... HE should be the one being punished and he isn't even having to do jail time for his crimes - the courts keep letting him off with probation. He doesn't have to answer for ANY of the things he's done to people.

I have a hard time believing that some HP has a plan ... because in my world ... the plan is backwards ... I'm suffering here ... I've tried my entire life to just be a good person, to treat people well and to give what I could to the world to make it a better place ... but nothing I've done ever ends up doing any good ... I end up hurt and the world keeps on spiralling downward ... more and more ppl are using drugs and alcohol ... more and more ppl are messing around on their spouses, walking away from their families, and basically just doing rotten things. What ever happened to common decency?

I miss his voice. I miss his hugs. I miss the person he was in the beginning - the person who loved me and wanted to be around me and told me I was perfect and beautiful and wanted children with me. I did EVERYTHING to prove my love to him and it wasn't good enough.

Everything I've ever believed in has been shattered by loving him ... I've lost everything that ever mattered to me ... and what suffering has he had to endure?? NOTHING!!! He gets to go on his merry little way, screwing some new girl, getting high, partying and shirking his financial responsibilities ... and I'm here trying to pay off things, knowing I'll never see the money he owes me ... having immense pain whenever I see anything with romance or love or children, or drugs or infidelity ... just about everywhere I go there is some painful reminder of him ... either a good memory that reminds me he's gone and I'll never share those things again, or a bad memory of the things he did that hurt me, betrayed me etc ... I can't escape it ... not even if I stay inside ... this HOUSE reminds me of him ... our PETS remind me of him ... I dream of him when I'm sleeping and I think of him when I'm awake and I'm so TIRED of it. I'm tired of him still having this power over me ... I'm tired of him still hurting me ... and yet I can't stop it ...

I'm so tired of this crap .... it's not getting any better and I don't want to keep on hurting like this ... it's not fair. He moved on and left me here to deal with the mess ... and I have no one to blame but myself for it ... sure I can call him names and blame him for his part ... but I was stupid enough to think he'd love me and stay, and keep his word. I thought that because I keep MY word ... and because when I say something I mean it and follow it thru with actions ... but he doesn't.

I want so badly to yell and scream at him until HE is in tears ... until he GETS what he's done here ... until he hurts like I hurt ... its' not fair that I'm stuck carrying this on my shoulders and he gets off scott-free.

I'm so powerless ... I know I can't contact him because it will just cause me more pain .... but I want so badly to hear the truth from him ... I want to write him a letter about all he's done to me .... I want him to FEEL MY PAIN. I felt his pain ... I carried his pain on my shoulders and tried to support him and love him and be there for him ... and this is how I was repaid ... now I have his pain AND my own ...

It isn't right .... it just isn't right and there is nothing I can do about it.

winnie12

I wish i could just hug you and let you cry on my shoulder right now.
YELL AND SCREAM - CRY YOUR EYES OUT - just let it out. You are in pain through no fault of your own. It hurts like hell. It hurts even more to know that someone you care so much about could be so callous towards your feelings. I dont know why they do this - I dont think they even know why. Just like they go through withdrawals when they are away from drugs we go through withdrawals when we are away from them. The best thing is to let yourself go through it with the knowledge that THIS TOO SHALL PASS. You WILL survive this pain - you WILL move on from this - you WILL have a great life without him.

Big Hugs and lots of prayers going out to you.

BBD

Oh Hon, What a deep post and I feel for you so much. I can't even imagine loving someone like that so much and hurting the way you do. It's my son we deal with so I'm not in tune to it being a spouse....You really need to find some counciling to help you move on. I don't think addicts or alcoholics can love the way a normal person does. He isn't having anymore fun with the new girl than he did with you before you said enough. That won't last~~~so sit tight with that one. Rearrange the furniture in your house, spend more time with friends even if you don't want to~~excersize~~~have your cries and put them away and get on with the day. I can feel your hurt and I wish some of us lived closer so we could really support ftf........Han in there hon~ Hugs and smiles, Bonnie

rozied

Oh Sweetie, I wish I could give you a big hug also. There is no rhyme or reason to why they do it, they are drug addicts and cannot really love anyone cuz they don't love themselves.
You didn't recognize the warning signs and fell in love with a man who couldn't love you back cuz he doesn't love himself. Drugs are serious business just like any other addiction. Addiction is an illness and it destroys lives. I don't know how old you are but you will survive this heartbreak.
Keep busy, concentrate on your own life. It will get better I promise.
Love,
Diane

cassandra2

LMN honey please pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Go back and read the post you just wrote about all of the bad things that happened in your relationship with him. That is a toxic person and everything that he touches will turn toxic. Dont let yourself fall into the trap of thinking you are the one suffering MORE. He is still using.

I know its painful to think that he used you honey but it is what it is. That is NOT LOVE. Get mad. I know its hard but get mad. Get mad at him for trashing your life the way he did. Get mad that you are left holding the bag and will probably never see a penny from him.

You are a good person. You deserve so much better then him. He lost out NOT YOU!! Get out some paper and write down all of the bad things he has done and said to you. Look at it honestly.
Would you treat another person like that? No, so dont be so hard on yourself now. Stop punishing yourself for something that a turd did to you.....

Its gonna be ok sweets. I know it. I believe it....

Troubledone

My heart goes out to you and I pray you can get answers to your questions that will free you.

My husband left me after 7 years of marriage. Except for the drug part, the rest of your story was similar to mine.

I don't know if this will help, but I remember sitting on the bathroom floor, weeping uncontrollably, feeling lost, abandoned, angry, etc. It was weird, but as I was crying, I noticed my hand. I looked at it as if it were for the first time and I realized, I have a cute hand. I don't know if it was my HP talking to me or a little bit of sanity creeping in, but I slowly stood up and went to the mirror. I looked at who I was and realized that I was a good, honest, hard working and caring person, someone that would be an asset to anyone in a relationship - and then I realized, my soon to be ex husband couldn't see my value - he was too busy trying to shore up his own low self esteem by other means.

Then and there I resolved to hold on to that thought. It was a long journey, but I started providing for myself all the support I had provided to him. I found freinds who appreciated me and until I could figure out what got me hooked by my husband (through therapy), I swore off men for a while.

I also came to realize that I had to forgive myself for trying so hard. I wished I had given up sooner, but based on my value system, I had to see it through to the end so that I could feel like I had truly tried everything.

It sounds like you gave it your all - and I hope you can appreciate that means you are a dedicated and loyal person - and shame on him that he didn't honor that.

The last thought I'll leave you with is this... we may not see it right away and we may actually never get to see it, but there is no way a person can live like your significant other and not suffer the consequence. He just chooses to mask his pain with drugs and other women, etc. You choose to see reality and deal with it. His life will continue to deteriorate, you have a chance to make yours better.

One of the things I did when I went places and saw happy couples and felt the pain of loss is to turn my life over to my HP - I said "OK, God, obviously I have a few lessons to learn, so OK, I'll open myself to learning them." I would then look at those couples and try to see what it was that made them work when mine didn't.

I also started to think about what it was I really wanted in a relationship and how I coudl find it. And to think about why I stayed in a bad relationship so long - about why I didn't think I was worthy of better.

So, I hope you can be gentle with yourself and open yourself to your HP.

God BLess, and prayers for a happier tomorrow

Limiya

You need to cry still, you need to let out the pain.
It's important.
I remember once after a breakup, i started going out to do new hobbies. It introduced me to new people and eventually my xabf. So i think maybe some new things might help?
Maybe pamper yourself?
New hairdo? New makeup. New clothes?
Treat yourself, maybe a nice massage?

It helps for a little. Anything to try and break the pattern of getting stuck in the grief phase.
I keep trying to do something to keep my mind of things too.
I'm here if you wanna talk. You know i'm in agony too.
Crying every day.

~Limiya~

imallright

Somedays it seems like you just can't shut off that faucet doesn't it. It's ok. Go ahead and cry. Get angry and then get yourself out of the house and connect. This is dang hard.. I know, but the more you do it, the easier it will get. Remind yourself that you are not with him because if his problems not yours. Take this time to make yourself as healthy as you can be. Try to stay positive and think that there is something better just around the corner. Keep coming here, we are here with "virtual shoulders" and it's about supporting each other and ourselves. We will be ok.

marle

Everyone else said it so much better than I could, but I will offer you some big hugs and some prayers. Time will heal you, you just have to believe that. Hugs, Marle

lovesmenot74

Thanks to everyone so much for responding so quickly with the support I needed. I'm still having crying bouts tonight but hopefully over the worst for now.

I think I'm going to take a nap ... all the crying really tires me out ...

Honestly I don't know WHAT I would do without this forum ... it's surely my port in the storm.

splendra

(((((LMN74)))))

I am sure you don't deserve the pain you are feeling. Take good care of yourself.

BBD

Enjoy your nap and remember that tomorrow is a new day. Try to get angry a bit..there are steps you have to go through while getting yourself healthy again. Smiles, Bonnie

SHAMAN

I feel the need to chime-in on this one because it's so close to my heart. I've had several addicts in my life, most recently (over a year ago) an ex-AG. She has yet to acknowledge a problem and though I knew there was something askew, I didn't pinpoint the problem until after the relationship ended. God granted me some pretty concrete indicators of what the RED FLAGS I'd been witnessing were, thank goodness. Long story short... I was a MESS. Now the ironic part is that I'm an ex-chemical dependency counselor and missed it all. I just wasn't that familiar with opiate addiction.

Regardless of DOC, there's alot I know about addiction having worked professionally in the field and having experienced it personally. Yet there was something especially difficult about recovering from the ex-AG (making good progress though). I remember having actually 'discussed' feeling lost, confused and tormented with ex-AG because I just couldn't seem to catch a break. All the things I believed... work hard you get ahead, be a good person and you are treated well in return, etc, etc, etc. just didn't seem to hold true. Truth is, it was my own immature thinking that was causing much of my frustration. This is not to say I wasn't being 'effected' because I surely was... being lied to, deceived, told half-truths, or lied to by ommission allowed me to make decisions without having all the information.

I was completing a Masters Degree at the time, stuggling to focus being a 'mess' emotionally and spiritually. I was granted an awakening during an Ethics class when I read this:

"The good do not always do well... and the evil do not always do poorly."

Again, a shattering of my immature beliefs... but what a difference it made in my maturation in recovery. I believe this statement holds especially true when loving an addict. But as many know and can attest... addiction knows no fairness, justice, or equity in relationship with others.

I continue to struggle with this given the inherited financial havoc I must deal with... but I do know this... my integrity and character grow each time I step back from my 'right' and allow another their 'wrong'... my spirituality deepens as I embrace deeper meaning rather than refuse to part with immature thinking... and my emotional fortitude is strengthened as I gain the, "... wisdom to know the difference.", between/amongst my character defects and someone else's.

Feel what you feel as it is a process. Change your thinking and your feelings will follow. It's not about FINDING the right person, it's about BEING the right person. And finally, my new motto is this in regards to relationships, "Reciprocation... not Accomodation."

Many Blessings,
Shaman

blizzard77

I've felt that pain. I've cried for days at a time unable to eat, sleep or even see because my eyes were swollen shut. I know it feels like it's never going to end. It literally felt like my heart had been torn to shreds. He on the other hand was off getting high. Alone in a new state. No close friends, no family. All I had was this website and my HP that helped me and continue to help me through to the next second, the next minute and the next day. You are strong. You may not see or feel it but YOU ARE!!
God is holding you in the palm of his hand. With him you are never alone. Take some deep breaths. Try to feel his presence because he's right there next to you and he will never leave you. God loves you, we love you. You DESERVE better. We all deserve better. Napping is good. It was and still is temporary relief from the pain. You did nothing to deserve this. I so wish I could wrap my arms around you and take away your pain. Be gentle to yourself. This too shall pass. I promise you!!!
Much love is being sent your way.

cessy68

wow, that post really tore at my heart, That pain is so real, and you are right, so damn unfair.
Try to look at yourself in the mirror when your eyes get that bad from all the crying, and then draw the imaginary line in the sand and promise yourself that you won't cross it. It is that line that you won't allow his ignorance, selfishness, his complete and utter disrespect for you to drag you across.
Do not let him take you to that place- instead, when it gets just that bad, try to take a hot shower, and regardless of how bad you feel, step outside. Enjoy a coffee at a coffe house and read a book, perhaps a stranger might catch your eye and you'll have a nice conversation, It might make you realize you are a wonderful living, beautiful creature here on this earth, he's not the only man.
Perhaps, you'll just sit there by yourself, but you will see a child with a terrible disability and wonder how his mom adjusts, just look around and see all of the beauty, all of the life, how many things are more important than consuming yourself with the addicts thoughtless/careless/reckless behavior.
My heart goes out to you,
Take care,
Cess

kingston

I'm sorry you are feeling this pain. I too have felt it - doubled over in the fetal position with knives going thru me. I know now what the word keening means and I never want to feel that again. But, and there's always a but, at the end of day it was the best thing for me.

i was finally feeling feelings. I had kept everything bottled up for years (married to an A for 24 years) in and out of rehab, empty promises, lies, the whole gambit.

That pain and those body shuddering cries helped washed away the anger, resentment and feelings of betrayal. It made room for me to start feeling positive thoughts - about myself.

It opened the door for me start my healing and I'm proud of where I am now. I hope you too find peace. K.

dogged

whenever your feeling bsd like that write him a letter, you dont have to send ity but it sure helps get all the feelings out, if you want burn them or keep them for a day and give them to hm some time dow the road? but he power of writing and getting your feelings out helps alot..im sorry your going through so much pain,,its hard, really hard, but with each day it gets a little easier

NeedingHelp7

((((lovesmenot74)))) Today is a new day, and I hope your feeling much better.

Huggs,
NH7

Alaia

lovesmenot74

Thank you so much everyone for all the support yesterday and again today.

I'm not sure how I feel today. I had horribly painful dreams last night and woke up this morning with immense anxiety - I'm just now trying to calm down to get that tight feeling off of my chest.

Dogged - I was journaling for a while and it was all sort of letters to him - I haven't journaled in a while because it seemed it was just causing me to cry and cry and cry and I felt it wasn't helping ... I didn't want to dwell on things but that isn't helping either. I know I need to go back to journalling and I think that writing him letters that I may give to him in the future could be helpful to me. I just feel like right now, writing it down and acknowledging it is too painful .... does that make any sense?

I have a headache today - I was so exhausted from all the crying yesterday that I went to bed very early and just slept ... *sigh* It's just so unfair that he is not having to deal with all of this ...