Troubledone

I can't believe the power of denial....

Short history - niece in jail for second time, boyfriend lost contact when he got his visits restricted and couldn't put money on his phone for my niece to call him. She was going nuts after about 8 days of no contact, wanted me to pay the phone bill, I refused.

So, yesterday I go visit her - she got a letter. Here's what I know from her report.

He has - no job, no license (suspended), no money (his unemployment is running out,) no home (he's getting evicted), and no car (it was impounded).

His ex wife is taking him to court for back child support (good for her) and suing for full custody of thier 8 year old daughter (he's 34)

He has spent as much as $1600 for phone calls in a month to talk with her, but his unemployment was only $1200 a month.

He supposedly has no felony record but can't find work.

Ok, even if we ignore the past drug use and all the lies he told her so far (he confessed to living a double life while he was married and other things she won't tell me), this isn't a very pretty picture.

And can you believe it, she was so happy that she got the letter that she drew a picture of them kissing with an angel flying overhead and a peace dove descending upon them - Oh brother!

I didn't say anything, I just listened and said - gee he's had a tough time of it, golly I can see why he can't be reached. All the time I want to scream - GET A CLUE!

And - she still thinks he's her knight in shining armor, that he'll get her felonies erased and get her out of the workhouse early.

And then she wonders why I think she's delusional and needs medication.

I read recently that two things were necessary for an addict to get better - one, they had to start to question thier own reasoning and two, they had to have someone they trust to help them figure out how to reason effectively.

My temptation is to write my niece a letter with just the facts and a few quesitons... like how does it sit with her that her boyfriend doesn't pay child support - just like her dad. And how is it that even she, with two huge felonies could find work and he can't.

I'm guessing it would fall on deaf ears.

Any thoughts????

Freedom1990

What good would writing the letter do?

I know you visit your niece to show your support for her, but I also hear your frustration in expecting her to act/think differently than she does.

I expect nothing from my oldest AD. That way I am not disappointed nor frustrated in the least. She is what she is. End of story.

She's an addict who does and thinks what addicts do and think. Period.

For me to expect any different is illogical thinking on my part, no?

Troubledone

Wow - thanks both anvilhead and freedom

Freedom - yes you are absolutely right - I AM hoping (expecting) her to be different, better, etc. That IS nuts.

anvilhead - thanks for the reminder that it is not my job to fix her and that the facts are there already if she wants to see them.

Thanks to both of you, this has filled in some missing pieces for me. I now know what to work on in myself - which is the only work I can really do.

Have a great day!

ps freedom - I love the dog pictures - I have a greyhound and a poodle (actually my niece's poodle) and just lost my little sweetie, a very old, feeble sweet girl that I rescued when she was already pretty old. I was blessed by the love of my old gal, Muffy - may she rest in peace. I still miss her. She was a hoot.

Done_With_It

If this is true, have you been able to do it so far?
I would think this would be a job for the professionals
to do as so far it has led you to a round and round
about deal with a type of insanity (trying to fix something
you aren't able to).


......


You can love her but you can't change her.
We all have to ride our own path to get to our own
destination.


******.....}}}}

hello-kitty

Sometimes I want to send a letter telling my ex how bad his choices are. But afterwards, I am so glad that I didn't. Because sending someone a letter to confront their poor choices that I have already talked to them about, is a sneaky way for me to try to control their behavior. And it has never worked.

It's better (and more productive) for me to focus on myself and improving my life, then focus on someone else and trying to get them for me to improve theirs.

cassandra2

I realized that when I stop expecting them to change or expecting them to feel bad about something I think they should feel bad about I FEEL BETTER.

I really believe that if we expect someone else to do something and they dont WE are the ones left disappointed NOT them. And where then does that get us.

I expected my ex to feel lonely for me and the kids. And when he didnt I felt bad. I expected him to get better in rehab. He hasnt. Then I felt REALLY BAD. So I have stopped expecting anything except the way things have been going and I am not hurt. If things were to suddenly happen that I didnt expect then I would be SURPRISED.

Its all in how we chose to look at things.

Freedom1990

Troubledone, I'm sorry about the loss of your old gal! :ghug

I actually lost the greyhound in my siggy pic three years ago this coming month, but I have a male greyhound too (3rd one as I have fallen in love with the breed).

dogged

google the public records on him, it will show any convictions or restraining orders,,bt you have to have his full name and birthdate..

Troubledone

Thanks to everyone for the posts

Done - you are so right - I've tried for a long time, what in the world would make me think now is different when all the signs point to it doesn't. when I look at it this way, I realize on some level I'm as delusional about her as she is about the boyfriend... how sick is that?

Hello kitty - I guess that's why I posted, and thanks for reminding me of the futility. I did write the letter, but I threw it away, realizing it was futile

Cassandra - you are right - even now as I let go of expectation I can feel a weight lifting. I'm on vacation today and instead of agonizing over this, I'm going to go have some fun.

Freedom - thanks for the kind words about my little old gal... sorry for your loss also - greyhounds rock!

dogged - I have tried this and came up with nothing, but thanks for the tip...

Thanks all for your insight...

Troubledone

Whoa - anvilhead - what a great Idea!!!!!

I think I will actually do this.

I can already start
--------------------------------------
Dear Self.

I know you are concerned about your niece. And - you know that she has been like this for a long time.

You may want to ask yourself why you continue to stay obsessed with her life when you have your own life. What is missing from your life that you are overly concerned about hers.

You know by now that she has all the informaiton she needs and yet refuses to see it. So you know that nothing you can say will change her if she doesn't want to be changed. You also know that she listens to everyone else, never you.

So - what is it in you that keeps you so focused on her. Take some time to figure this out and the issue with your niece will take it's proper perspective - and you will be able to love her AND get on with your life.

Sincerely
Self
--------------------------------
Anvilhead - great Idea - I'm keeping this one!!!!