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I feel stupid, humiliated and angry as hell. I should've listened to all of you!!!

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I feel stupid, humiliated and angry as hell. I should've listened to all of you!!!

Old 11-24-2008, 08:32 AM
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Angry I feel stupid, humiliated and angry as hell. I should've listened to all of you!!!

I was posting regularly here on this wonderful site well over a year ago. I had found out that AH who had been out of rehab 3 months for opiate abuse was then smoking crack. He robbed me blind of all my jewelry. I asked him to go back to rehab and told him he had to leave if he didn't. He left and moved back to Buffalo our home state, leaving me here alone with no family, few friends a mortgage and two car payments (his car was in my name). I was a mess. I got wonderful advice here but did I listen??? No, my situation was going to be different. We stayed in touch, I visited him several times in the yr and a half he was gone. He had 2 jobs, his own apt (nasty but his own) and told me he was clean. When I visited he seemed like a new man. So we decided to reconcile. That's probably around the time I stopped posting. It was the first time in 11 yrs that he was completely on his own and actually made it!! He had to have changed, how could an addict be doing so well??
My family was very suspect and not happy with my decision but I was bound and determined to save this marriage and I loved him (still do)!!:wtf2
He sent money to me monthly to put away for savings. Luckily I have a good job and can support myself so financially there was no dependence on my part on him. I was the one who has supported us, put him through school. He graduated with a BA in arts and was a journalist at a local paper. I moved from my family and friends so he could get that job. Only for him to be fired after a year for poor judgement in an article that was published. He was a functioning alcoholic all through school and this continued after he got this job. The **** hit the fan after he was fired.
So he returns this past May a changed man or so I am manipulated into believing. Lies, lies and more %*$#^&# lies. Sure the first two months he was on his best behavior "I'm going to prove to you I am a changed man". Got a job with in a week. His attitude on life was different blah, blah, blah.
Then the changes in his behavior made me suspect he was using something. I couldn't prove it but that voice in my head said " Michelle he's using". No denial on my part this time. I made him take a drug test and surprise it's positive for benzo's, weed and opiates. He tells me he bought an ectasy pill and it must have been cut with these drugs. Like I'm some stupid fool that's going to buy that line of bull. Besides, ectasy is drug and you're and addict. WTF!!! " I made a mistake, I've been doing so good" . I let him think I let it go but instead I was like a hawk, eyes wide open. I got two percocets from a friend who has them prescribed. Hid them in the most obscure place imaginable, went to work (I work nights) came home and guess what like a hound dog he found them. Why he would even be looking for drugs in my house I still have no clue other than months before I broke my ankle and had some norco from the doc for pain. Kept them on my person at all times. Only had 15 and used them all. So I insist on a drug test again. Positive again. Now I have proof. Get out today!!!
He moves in with a guy from work and his family. Ends up stealing the wifes pain pills (mepergan fortis) and took or so he says 25 pills at once. Goes to work like this, they tell him to leave. He passes out in the parking lot for four hours. Finally a coworker brings him to me. Hallucinating, delusional never had I seen him like this in 11 yrs. He passed out and stopped breathing for a minute at a time. I'm a nurse I know he has OD'd his friend say he don't know what he took or how many but he's in bad shape and the guy he was living with kicked him out. I go through his bag and find tons of pills. Take him to the hosp I work at (embarassed to tears) they let it wear off while monitoring him and send him home. Again, rehab or get out. He says rehab then changes his mind and says I'll shuffle off to buffalo. Leave the chaos I've created behind and start out fresh. Thought he'd get hired at the place he worked just six months prior but I called them and told them the situation.
Any way, I'm sorry this is long and bless you if you're still with me. That SOB gets a job on the other side of town where he was living before. Gets a furnished apt and starts anew.
He's been gone about a month now. I'm so angry I can't see straight but I take full responsibility for the choice I made to believe in this man that I love and the marriage we committed to. I called him and let loose to say the very least. Then HE stops answering my calls and ignoring my texts. Does say "the only thing I needed that you could never provide is security" and tells me his intent in taking all those pills was to kill himself. Whatever!!!!!!!!!!!!
Right now I hate this man. I hate myself at times for believing his ******** AGAIN. I cried a river because I am humiliated not because I'm heart broken. I started posting here again and see that I have several private messages dated over a yr ago of wonderful words, kind advice, the truth I didn't want to hear because my situation was going to be different. He changed because he loved me and didn't want to loose me. :chatter
My heart hurts because I loved this man and he manipulated and lied to me yet again. My pride as a successful independent woman is gone.
I am taking care of me. I am trying so hard to let go of this anger and of him.
My family has no sympathy for me and I don't blame them one bit. I was a fool. This man that I love turned me into a stupid fool.
I am grateful to all of those private messages that I never read. To all the wonderful people here who tried to help me see the truth. I apologize to all of you who wasted your words on deaf ears. I thank you for your support.
My anger is so intense, I've never felt anger like this in my 37 yrs. You were all so right and tried to steer me in the right direction but I believed in this man. If only I could go back and change my decision. But I can't so I'm left feeling stupid and humiliated. If you made it this far thanks for letting me vent. If you haven't made it this far, I don't blame you one bit.
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Old 11-24-2008, 08:41 AM
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welcome back Blizzard.............................your not the first one of us to take them back or to believe the lies.................its part of the rollercoaster that is life with an addict.

stick around this time, no matter what decisions you make SR is here for support
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Old 11-24-2008, 08:44 AM
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aww sweety, dont beat yourself up over it,,its a lesson well learned, we all go through that,,wanting to beleive..you actually picked up on his using again pretty fast, so be thankful you saw it when you did..you know the truth now, and you can move forward and relcaim your life again.,it will get better and the anger will subside,,he is doing what addicts do..nothing more , nothing less..but you have learned alot during this whole process, you should be proud of yourself,, do something special for yourself...
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Old 11-24-2008, 08:47 AM
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Sending Hugs Blizzard.

Also wanted to share a great way to deal with the anger for me is to go running. I go somewhere safe and replay things in my mind, the more hurt I feel, pain and anger the harder I run, and I keep going when I think I cant anymore. By the time I stop Im ready for a good hard cry, but its always refreshing, just remember to eat first, bring water, and if its chilly wear a hat and scarf.

The adrenylin rush helps push you through the feelings
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Old 11-24-2008, 09:00 AM
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Originally Posted by blizzard77 View Post
My anger is so intense, I've never felt anger like this in my 37 yrs.
Awww (((Blizzard))) I can totally related to this type of anger. It seems that I rotate between intense anger, sadness and being numb ... I'm sorry you are hurting but I'm glad you saw the truth about him using again before he did even more damage.

As an aside ... all of the things that your ex told you (I'm going to prove I've changed etc) are things I've been hoping and wishing and dreaming of hearing from my ex ... and reading what you've just gone thru made me (at least for this very moment) happy that he isn't calling because I'd be in the same boat as you.
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Old 11-24-2008, 10:23 AM
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blizzard

We all do the best we can with what we know. I, too, have been hoodwinked and made a fool of.

We all do it... I believe we all have to try everything we know before we can try what we don't know.

Thankfully, 37 is still very young, with lots of time to make your own life better.

I have also found that for me other ways of getting rid of the anger are....

Beating the snot out of a pillow with a ball bat - helps to do this outside where no one can see for safety sake.

Drawing a picture of the person (a photo is better) and putting it in the toilet just before I do my business in the morning.

writing a letter saying everything I want to say and ceremoniously burning it (again, safety first)

Then, I write out why I'm angry with myself and start to try to forgive myself for being human. It helps to have a therapist or Nar-anon family group for this.. they helped me figure our how to forgive myself.

There is so much to grieve in a situation like this, please pace yourself and take care of you--- you have been through a lot!!!!

Prayers ...
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Old 11-24-2008, 12:41 PM
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Hi Blizzard... don't be so hard on yourself. We've all given the addict another chance (and another and another) because we want to believe this is their time to change. Each chance I've given my AH lately, since I've found recovery, has given me baby steps towards ending this marriage. As much as I love him and want him to change, I realize
HE'S not ready to change. It's not personal towards me, its just where he's at in his addiction. At some point you realize... We can't save them, we have to save ourselves.

It's ok to grieve... give yourself time. Then start working on making your life enjoyable
again. YOU are worth it!!!
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Old 11-24-2008, 02:03 PM
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OH I know all the variations on a game we used to play called "it's over, it's over, c'mon over."

I was talking to a recovery friend this morning and we laughed about how incredibly devoted we 'anons' can be. I will commit to someone or some thing and I will stick with it until the very bitter end, often LONG past its usefulness. The PollyAnna in me still wants to see the good in everyone. My sons chuckle at me sometimes and tell me "Life is not all bunnies and butterflies..."

Don't beat yourself up, B77. Many of us have been there. We are sure that we can do it better, we can be strong and love that person thru the difficult and challenging times until our loved one wakes up and realizes he/she needs help. And it's true, we CAN love them... but recovery teaches us we don't have to have a front row seat to all of the drama and chaos and pain.

I hope you can find some meetings in your area, and perhaps some good friends who can hold you up when you're feeling down.

Welcome back. You're among friends!
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Old 11-24-2008, 03:16 PM
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I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I called myself every name in the book too. I felt like such a fool so many times. You will get past that by reading here and learning that you are part of a pattern and not that there is anything wrong with you.
Addiction is so beyond what I can comprehend sometimes and it takes constant reading, and learning and reflecting to stay on track and not revert back to beating myself up or falling back into codie-land. For me the whole idea of addiction is counter-intuitive. It makes sense in a text book sort of way but not in a reality sort of way. If addicts who get sober have to work at recovery every day then I guess we have to work at ours every day too. Sometimes if I stay away from here for too long I begin to forget. My codie brain is still stubborn and wants to take over.

Like everyone else said...we all want to believe. Maybe sometimes the addicts want to believe it too but aren't really ready. The hardest part of it all for me was that I took it all personally. I tried and tried to figure out how someone could be that way and just seem to not care how THEY hurt ME.

My XABF never went to rehab or got any help and when he came sniffing around here (for a place to live when his new AGF wanted to kick him out) I knew he had not changed. I wanted to believe it but was at the point where my guard was up and I knew I had to protect myself. It sounds like maybe thats where you were when he came back. You figured it out and now you know. You trusted you gut and it was correct.

The hardest part for me was that I took it all very personally. I felt like everything he did and said was intended to hurt me. Maybe some of it was but overall I look at it now as self preservation. Addicts will do anything and say anything to get where they want to be for the moment. I don't think they plan very far ahead which is why it seems like they change their minds every five minutes. I'm not special to an addict. I am just another person who may or may not give in and give them what they want. Well I understand a little more now and I realize that its not personal. Took me a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time to get realize that.
I know I can say don't be so hard on yourself but until you get to that point on your own you will probably still be hard on yourself. I hope you stick around here and build up your strength and knowledge so you can get to that point soon.
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Old 11-24-2008, 03:25 PM
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awww, sweetie, don't beat yourself up. Most of us have been-there-done-that and have at least one t-shirt (I have several).

The thing is, you learned, and you got out of it pretty quick (compared to me, who stuck around for 20 years in one relationship). I'm glad you're back.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 11-24-2008, 03:49 PM
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awww((((((((blizzz))))))))
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Old 11-24-2008, 04:37 PM
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Blizzard, I don't know if you remember but I'm originally from Buffalo too and kind of feel a kinship. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Addicts are masters at telling us what we want to hear. It's almost a sixth sense they have. I truly and honestly know exactly how you feel. Don't look at it as a humiliation - you believed and cared for someone and that's the part that matters. The truth is that you are a kind and caring person who worked very hard to help someone. The end result doesn't make the caring and kindness you have shown worth any less.

Being mad isn't always such a bad thing. It's helped me several times to really see the truth of my situation.
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Old 11-24-2008, 04:55 PM
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Thanks so much for sharing your story. It's not over yet. Let us know how you are taking control of your life and moving forward.
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Old 11-24-2008, 05:02 PM
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Welcome back, Blizzard. You did what you thought you had to do and it didn't work out....that's no different than most of us and nothing to beat yourself up over.

You ARE a strong woman and can start again, I just know you can, and my guess is that before long, your life will become peaceful and happy once more.

Hugs
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Old 11-24-2008, 06:25 PM
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thank you all for your support. you are the only people who completely understand. no I told you so's. just unconditional support and love. that is what i need right now and I can alway count on you all for that. that means everything to me.
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Old 11-24-2008, 07:13 PM
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You are an inspiration. Thank you for your story. Wishing you a better life very soon.
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Old 11-24-2008, 08:05 PM
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THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR STORY!!!! My Rah moved out 1.5 month ago. I have thought SOOOOO many times of "what if". What if he can stay clean, what if we can reconcile and live a happy normal life, what if we can be a happy family, what if..... I really needed to hear your story. I would have done the same thing. You can't beat yourself up over this. Others, who have not loved an addict, cannot put themselves in your shoes. You believed in something. I am so sorry for your pain and anger. You will be come out stronger. Now, you can move on. "Let it go". The past is the past.
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Old 11-24-2008, 08:10 PM
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Blizzard, We would all be hypocrites if we said I told you so because we have all been where you are. The others are right when they tell you that you have made progress despite how you might be feeling right now. I know that I had to get good and angry to finally detach from my daughter's addiction. I still loved her but hated what she had become. It was only much later that I could see the person in pain under the addiction. And I also had to come to know that it was not personal. It is just what addicts do. It is survival for them. Big hugs to you and this time stick around, okay. Marle
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Old 11-24-2008, 08:46 PM
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Blizzard, I am very farmiliar with what you are going through, i call it the merry-go-round, and no one in my life understands why on gods green earth I'm still with this man.
It's ok to feel stupid, (i ALWAYS DO) but it certaintly is not productive.
Loving yourself, and talking good to yourself is the only way to gain inner strength and to truely heal.
It is an artform- that I have not mastered yet, but I'm working SOOOOOO hard on it, and I DO believe with all my heart, that once you regain the level of love for YOURSELF that you deserve, you and I and the rest of us will move forward and heal.
In the meantime, keep talking and writing, I know I've been reading these posts for a little while now,
I finally joined this week, and it truely is helping.
Take care,
Cess
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Old 11-24-2008, 09:05 PM
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You're a human being. You love. That's just how we are made. Your family may be able to look down at you and your decisions, but they should be offering you some kind of emotional support regardless. You're in pain. That's all there is to it.

As for him, maybe he was doing well and did just break down. He should have come clean and gotten back into rehab or attended some meetings. The lies always make it worse. Trust is so difficult to rebuild.

Just please be easy on yourself.

:ghug2
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