Limiya

Today i feel so terrible, weak etc.
I have come to the realisation now that me and Alex are never gonna be a couple again.
I know, i should be happy. But i feel the opposite.
I know he's still going out with friends on a regular basis and still using and drinking, and i know the fact he hasn't contacted me in a week means he won't again.
He made his mind up and he's sticking to it for once, which is good for me in the long run i know.

I've been so up n down this week, cause i suppose deep down i've held hope he will contact me, or expected him to contact me. He hasn't, and i know he's been telling his friends that it's over between the 2 of us but not going into details.
His friends have told me he seems ok. And i'm the one sat here at night, crying so much that my eyes are sore.
How can he pick cocaine over a beautiful 25 yr old kind woman who has ALWAYS been there for him?? It baffles me.
I don't want to sound big headed, but i know i'm way out of his league and can do so much better, everyone has always said so including him, but i don't want anyone else. I can't even look at any other men.
He's knocked me down numerous times over the years, but then always turned around, picked me up and made it better. Only to knock me down again.... and now i'm no longer being picked back up.
I feel used to be honest.

My family and friends are rallying around me and i practically live on this forum now.
I go to bed and i dream about his family, his apartment, it's so realistic. I dream he's next to me in bed all cuddled up, and i wake up and it's empty.
I wake up crying most mornings, and i know i should pull myself together, but i'm trying.

I just feel so alone right now. And i feel he is fine and out having fun, things are ok with him and not me.
I MISS HIM!!!! The sober him... I remind myself of the bad time
I made a list of all the bad things i don't like about him, including all the little things. I managed 32 off the top of my head.
That's a lot. I've not written a good list.
I'm gonna have to go through everything i have which reminds me of him, photo's, messages, etc.. and delete and get rid of it all.

This is a painful process for me, but an important one. And it's only been a week.

~Limiya~

Freedom1990

He does that because he's an addict.

I drove myself crazy comparing my insides with my addict's outsides.

Addicts don't use because they are brimming over with self-esteem.

Addicts use because they are filled with self-hatred and self-loathing.

You deserve so much better, and so do I.

I finally got tired of the pain.

My biggest problem was I never allowed myself to completely walk through the pain to get past it.

Today I refuse to settle for less than I deserve.

:ghug :ghug

Live

I think your feelings of abandonment are valid. He did abandon you. His drug is his lover.
and vice versa.

I was recently abandoned also, and yes, taking down all the reminders were necessary for me.

He humiliated himself, you didn't.

so, please take it easy on yourself.

dogged

dont amke a list of the good, focus on the bad, put away any reminders of him, but dont throw them away, i ve been known to do that and the years later i regret that descion, put it awayand one day youwill be able to remember with no hurtful feelings..in time it will get better,,i kept thinking the same thing..oh he is happy he is having fun,,but i know he isnt having too much fun how can he? he's an addict that is homless and living on the streets? he choose the drugs over us also..but honey i never want to lose the security i create for myself,he choose not to have a normal life and hislifestyle can not bring any happiness or good out of it,,they put on a that thier happy, but thier not, down deep...he will look back someday(if he ever gets clean) and realize what he has given up..and reality is if he ever got sober they wpuld probably dump us anyway, because by staying with them we become just as sick as them just that were not an addict, but we control, manipulate,etcc... to get what we want out of them..to stop using, so are we healthy during that time? just take what you have learned fro m this relationship and move forward so you dont attract the same man with the same issues,, we also have to question how we got sucked into a relationship like this..if anyhting it makes us question us ..what do we beleive in? what morals and values are you willing to give up to be with someone? and should you? ask yourself some hard questions and answer them as honestly as you can..it does show a person what areas they need to work on for themselves,,maybe that was the whoe purpose of you 2 meeting to begin with?a lesson to be learned.. i know its hard, just do for you and try not to think he is so happy,,he is choosing where he wants to be in his life right now..i firmly beleive what goes around comes around... goodluck

cassandra2

Limiya I too am feeling abandoned. It gets worse when I "see" some progress with him. I dont really know if you can call not getting angry with me being progress but today he was decent. Then all the thoughts and feelings of its really over swarm over me. But I have to keep telling myself that yes it really is over. Dont expect it to be different. Expectation causes devestation.

Today he is not the man that used to snuggle with me and tell me he loved me so much. Today he is a stranger. Keep telling yourself that. Keep reminding yourself of the bad things when you start to feel sad.

I can only speak for my situation when I say that he ISNT getting better because he doesnt ask the basic questions. He isnt at all interested in trying to see the older kids and make it up to them. He isnt at all interested in FACING the damage that he has caused. So even if today he showed up at my door begging to come back it wouldnt be the same.

I know its hard I am in the same spot you are in. I too live on this forum. Right now my kids and this forum are what is keeping me going on a day to day basis. I try really hard to NOT cry and feel bad.

We can be in pain together. Its easier when you have someone going through the exact same thing with you.

Limiya

Thanks to all who have replies so far. It really does help me more than i can possibly express in words.
I know i can't go back to him, because i wasn't happy with him being an addict. The only way it would ever really work was if i was an addict with him, and that's never gonna happen.

Yes, he obviously has no self respect or self esteem if he does this to himself on a regular basis, and then treats me like **** in the process.
If he had been ALL BAD i would have moved on by now, but i keep remembering the good times together.

When he took me to a top hotel, dancing together overlooking the view of the city to Frank Sinatra (romantic) Yet he was high then too. And i was blind to it.

Cooking me romantic meals.

Giving massages for no reason apart from he loved me.

Taking me to a museum.

Our first kiss, he asked me first if it was ok to kiss me. That's when i fell in love with him. He was wasted then too (i didn't realise he was on drugs)

Spending 10 days together in Spain in the sun (apart from one night he got wasted and ruined everything).

Most of my happy memories are becoming tainted by his addiction.
I have to keep reminding myself that.

I won't be writing the good list. There is no point. I know he's a decent man underneath, and i am in love with and miss the possibilty of what could have been if there were no drugs, what was, and the potential.
But then, it's all just one big lie isn't it??

What have i learnt??? To never just roll over and take it. To always stick with my morals, it took me long enough but i did. And his reaction was to leave me and indulge in himself rather than fight for what could be.

~Limiya~

lovesmenot74

(((Limiya)))

Ugh ... I soooooo get this feeling. Everyone always asked me why I was with him too .... that I could do so much better ... and yes, even him (he would always ask me if i was going to "trade him in" for this person or that person. And I too don't want anyone else, nor can I look at other men. Romantic scenes in television shows or movies are like a knife to my gut right now. I often wonder if him feeling less than me (even tho i always assured him that I loved him and in my eyes he was perfect) contributed to things and made them worse.

I swear, if you read my posts, you'll see ALL of these things that you're feeling. At least be comforted that this must be part of the process if you're not alone in the feelings ... that is what I cling to right now. I know all too well the dreams - so vivid and just like reliving the rejection and hurt all over again. It's horrible, I know. I woke up again this morning to the reality that he WASN'T here yesterday apologizing and making up for things he'd done ... it slammed me in the face the moment I opened my eyes and all I wanted to do was close my eyes and go back to that dream and never wake up from it.

Yup ... ditto again Limiya. I wish I could tell you how to make these feelings go away. It's so unfair.

Why can't they see what they are doing before it's too late??

Hopefully all of us that are in this place right now can somehow carry each other through it to the other side ... there HAS to be an "other side", right??

cassandra2

Drug addicts cant fight their way out of wet paper bags. My ex checked out a long time ago and now that I really think about it I have lost respect for him. How could you check out on your family? How could you decide that life good or bad wasnt worth fighting for? Makes me sick....

Here we are crying and praying for them to get better when they are numbing themselves because they cant face reality. And yet, we are facing it. Right now we are conversing on this site to get over THEM. What are they doing? Killing themselves or walking around with the biggest case of DENIAL.

I have cried my last tear for that turd. He makes me sick. I am so done with a man that will lie to me and make me feel like I am crazy when he is the one holding a rolled up dollar bill and a magazine saying he always rolls up dollar bills. He is sick. He is sick to think that living with a person who doesnt pay their bills and has been homeless with her children this year was a good decision.

I am FINALLY GETTING ANGRY. Not angry at him but at myself for allowing myself to feel bad that he lost out.

Limiya

Wow guys, you're all so amazing for me right now. Each post makes me feel that little bit better and i thank you.
I think this thread is good for us to let off our steam and shout or cry if we want to.
It looks to me like no matter what the addiction of our loved ones, they all have similar traits.

I remember countless times our nights out would turn into nightmares cause he'd be snorting coke whilst at clubs or bars, and when we'd get home he'd go serious, irritable, angry, talkative, drink and take coke on his own when everyone has gone to bed.
He'd pick at things i'd say and turn them round and tell me i'm out to get him and hurt him and i want to manipulate him etc.
I'd slowly realise how insecure he was.
His eyes would be dilated, and he'd blink all slow and wierd. He would give these smiles which looked like arrogant satisfactory snarls when he'd upset me. As if he had outwhitted me. But most of the time i would be just tired and frustrated.

Thinking back, i remember once we were discussing past relationships, and he kept bringing up my ex. I told him not to worry, as he had nothing to do with my ex. He took it as such an insult he told me he was going to punish me for hurting him. He was high as a kite, and he shouted nonsense at me before walking out. I always walked on eggshells around him when drugs were involved.

we were on holiday in spain once and i was really enjoying the fact we could go out, have a few drinks and nothing more. 3 days into the holiday, he managed to figure out a local dealer and picked up some 'really good' Cocaine (He speaks almost fluent Spanish). I was bitterly dissapointed. Begged him not to use any whilst we were away. He'd told me before we went he was just gonna have a relaxing holiday with no 'wrecking'.
He took the coke that night, and he kept me up until 10am the next morning, shouting abuse at me, not making sense, begging me to call him a taxi so he could go back to the airport and get a flight home. He really scared me that night, and i couldn't just up and go home like i can in my own country.
He eventually just passed out on the bed, and the rest of the holiday he did his best to make up to me. But he'd spent all his money and i had to pay for him the rest of our time.

I think it's good to remind ourselves of the times we felt utterly disrespected and walked over during our time together.

I kept a diary during all these times, and i keep checking back to it and to the pain i used to feel.
It all helps.

Anyone else wanna share painful past experiences or memories?
~Limiya~

cassandra2

I was posting last night with Cessy and we were talking about the how at one point in our relationships we felt loved, cherished, respected and then how it slowly went away and we were left crumbs. When I say crumbs I mean the few a far between times where he was present with me in our relationship. The times when he would actually talk about his feelings. The brief moments when he was himself. And then it disappeared and I would feel lonely and try to pry and get some crumbs. I would cry and fight with him just to have him present with me. I tried to explain that to him but he never got it.

When we fought it was mostly about his pills. He had gotten to the point where he carried his pills everywhere he went in his man bag. He slept with the bag. One night I grabbed it from him. It became a tug o war with the bag. Finally I let go and he went flying. That was horrible. I stormed out of the house and went for a walk. I cried I didnt want things to be that way between us. I thought I would go back to him packing his stuff to go but he wasnt. He told me how sorry he was and that he tried to go after me but I was already gone. He said he didnt want it to be that way either. I begged him to get off of the pills. He agreed. He held me that night and I thought it was gonna get better that that was the worst of it and it was behind us. But as you know it wasnt.

We never yelled at each other. Never cursed at one another. Never spoke disrepectfully to each other. Then when the pill abuse got out of control. He changed and suddenly it was ok to say f you to me. Suddenly it was ok to yell at me. Suddenly it was ok to turn things around on me.

This is probably one of the worst things that happened but here goes. I found empty pill capsules laying around in a drawer. I knew then he was snorting the pills. I confronted him and he said I was crazy. He said he had a friend over who had done that. Whatever. So I told him he needed to go. I called is sister and told her to come get him. Then he asked me for his pills back (he had given me the bottle 2 days before asking me to give him his pills as prescribed because he had taken 50 of them over the course of 2 days) and I refused. I told him that when his sister got there I would give her the pills and she could give them to him as I had been. He CALLED THE COPS ON ME!!! Said I was refusing to give him his meds. Long story short. The cops told him he had a problem and he needed to get help. His sister finally showed up and dragged him out of the house by his ear. All the while he is crying and saying he is sorry. 20 minutes later I get a text from him saying he had made the biggest mistake of his life doing that and how sorry he was and how he was gonna be better and that we would fight this together.

I believed him and he came back. Now look at where we are.

lovesmenot74

Ugh ... I have so many memories ... and half the time I just figured it was him ... now, looking back, I think that maybe he was high or on something or whatever and I was just to naive to see it.

I remember us planning to go rafting one summer - we were so excited. I had purchased rafting tubes to take with us and we drove for a half hour to the spot where the rafting was best ... when we got there, we parked and walked down to the water. I don't even know what set him off ... something about the raft not going in the water the right way, or the fact that there were other people there when he hoped we'd be alone ... but the rafting trip ended up with him throwing a complete fit, yelling, screaming, throwing his rollerblades INTO the river, punching the vehicle, throwing one of the rafts into the river (I had to go get it or lose the money I'd just spent) and then getting in the vehicle and driving like a maniac (I finally threw a fit and made him let me drive).

Or there was the time when I was fast asleep - he (again) hadn't come home so I'd given up waiting for him and went to bed. I thought I heard him come in, and I called out to him ... silence ... then a little while later, I heard him come in the room - I pretended to be asleep because I was mad that he'd not come home in time to spend time with me. He woke me up and kissed me - told me he just wanted to say hello - and then the next thing I knew, he was gone. He came home the next afternoon some time. As a routine, I check my bank account every day and saw that someone had withdrawn $60 from my bank account the day before - I hadn't gone ANYWHERE. I asked him about it ... he denied it ... and only admitted it after I told him that I would be reporting it as theft (I knew he'd done it because my bank card was back in my wallet). He told me someone was after him for a friend's debt and he had no choice or they were going to kill him. I was soooo humiliated and betrayed ... he had kissed me hello because he knew i'd heard him come in and didn't want me to check on my wallet before he'd left!!!!

I remember another time where I had hidden my wallet on the chair beside the bed (I was starting to suspect he was stealing money from me but wasn't sure) and he thought I was sleeping and snuck up beside me reaching for my wallet (I'd hidden it under the chair) and as he was reaching for it ... I pretended to just wake up and asked him what he was doing ... he said nothing, and kissed me. I checked the wallet and sure enough, it had been moved, but he dropped it when I woke up.

Or how about the time he didn't come to bed once we'd moved to our new home ... and when I got up in the morning, there was ketchup all over the kitchen window and on the ceiling - and the ketchup bottle sitting beside him at the computer. I asked him what happened, he said he didn't know. I pressed him and pressed him and he denied it ... then I saw the cat walk by and she was COVERED in ketchup. I told him to clean it up ... I refused to clean it myself. He went to "his room" (by this time he wasn't even sleeping in our room with me, he had a whole room he'd made up for himself with tv, computer, etc that he'd lock himself into for days) and when I told him after hours of asking to clean it up NOW ... he completely flipped out and ripped the phone from the wall and bashed his head against the fridge.

Or how about the ex girlfriend who was constantly after him to get back with him. And I tried to be reasonable and explain to him how it made me feel that he was chatting with her on the computer and talking to her late into the night on the phone ... I tried not to feel insecure, but he would flip if i even talked to other male friends, and he refused to acknowledge that i felt insecure and refused to stop talking to her even after she sent him a letter telling him how she wanted him back ... he continued to disrespect me by talking to her ... and would just change emails if I caught him emailing her.

*sigh* There are so many more that come flooding back ... but I need to take a break now ... this is dredging up a lot of pain for me ... and yet I so badly want him to apologize and make it up to me and come back. He was sooooo disrespectful ... and I kept hanging on to the teeniest morsel of decency or remorse or kindness ... SICK SICK SICK. He only had use for me when he HAD USE FOR ME ... and yet I still pine away. Maybe for me, I just want so badly to think that I am wrong ... that he didn't use me ... because right now, it sure seems like he sucked me dry and when I had nothing left to give, he tossed me out and got a new girlfriend.

hello-kitty

Well, I'm sure you will have another chance to enforce your boundaries. Or maybe this time he's really changed...

What do you think?

cassandra2

Hello-kitty dont really understand your post.

lovesmenot74

cassandra, I think hello-kitty was just being sarcastic?? Saying that you'll probably have another chance to decide if you want to fall for him "being changed" ...

cassandra2

Oh. I get it....

That is to much like expecting. And I can no longer have expectations that he will change, get better, want to come back blah blah blah. That is to painful.

What I can expect is that I WILL GET BETTER. I am better. I will find my way.

cassandra2

thanks lovesmenot.....Sometimes its great to have someone else clear the windshield. I get so wrapped up in stuff that I miss the small things....ha ha ha

Hey did you see that I laughed

dogged

the sad reality is that many times we fell in love with the image of what they were potraying to us...i talked to my ex crack heads cousin and i found out the girl he is hanging out with is the one he met in rehab?? now many things are making sense,, im figuring out he was cheating on me way before i knew about it, but i didnt have good proof...,..i bought into all of his lies, makes me feel like an ididot for beleiving in him so much.and on top of it all he gave me herpes, he denies it of course, but it makes sense now..cuz i know i hadnt been with anyone in the years we were together..so apparently he has stayed in contact with this girl for well over a year!~! man the truth hurts, but yet im glad i found out makes it easier for me to get over him... i feel he gave me a life sentence of being alone...i guess i should be thankful i dont had aids... so see girls,,what we think is the truth is often not...we have our blinders on because we cant think like them and cant understand why they do the things they do, but in reality we are just a tool to be used for thier gain...did he ever love me?? i dont know,im guessing not, i just wasted over 2 yrs of my life over someone who didnt deserve me..granted when we first met,,i thought he was my soulmate, i thought the world of him , i beleived all his empty promises, i gave so much of myself in this relationship (way more than i have given in previous ones) they are master manipulaters,con artists,thieves,liers,they dont care about anyone but themselves...well ive said enough, just trust your gut instincts, its a safety mechanism to protect you..your 6th scense.. i really wish i would have listened to mine, maybe i still wouldntbe dealing with the after effects of being with him.. ok im done venting...just needed to get that off my chest..im pissed right now with him and all the lies..tired of giving him any thought at all..i can hardly wait til he is back in prison so when he says he is sorry and asks for money i can tell him to go F*** himself, and then im going to unleash all this anger on him..ill get over being angry its a waste of energy on him..i know ill be ok, but for the moment im mad...thanks for listening

hello-kitty

No I wasn't being sarcastic. Well, I didn't mean it mean. Sorry if it came across that way.

Cassie, did I miss understand or did you forgive him and let him come back this time? Because if you did, then he will give you another chance to enforce your boundaries. Unless he has really changed. Do you think he has really changed? (ok that last part has a tinge of sarcasm to it - but not towards you. Towards addicts who promise they have changed but never actually do anything to change.)

lovesmenot74

I didn't mean to imply you intended to be mean .... Just wanted to clarify.

This is what i was trying to get at...

cassandra2

I did not take it to be that you were being mean....

I took him back then and gave him another chance. Now he has been gone for almost 2 months. Its over.

This is his second week in rehab and I found out that he is still trying to get his scripts from the docs office. So two weeks wasted in rehab. He was gonna sell the script because he has no job and no money and now he has rent due on the first. I am not stupid. He hasnt changed. And even if he did change would it matter now?

I loved him and really wanted him to get better and come back and be apart of the family again. But I just cant keep doing this to myself. Hoping and praying for that to happen. When everything in reality is not moving in that direction.

I would like to say yes that when he gets a few months into recovery that maybe we could reexamine things and start from scratch but with all of this anger that he is directing at me and not getting better I doubt that will happen.

I am not expecting it too.