Feeling abandoned

Old 08-06-2009, 12:38 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by limiya View Post
thanks to all who have replies so far. It really does help me more than i can possibly express in words.
I know i can't go back to him, because i wasn't happy with him being an addict. The only way it would ever really work was if i was an addict with him, and that's never gonna happen.

Yes, he obviously has no self respect or self esteem if he does this to himself on a regular basis, and then treats me like **** in the process.
If he had been all bad i would have moved on by now, but i keep remembering the good times together.

When he took me to a top hotel, dancing together overlooking the view of the city to frank sinatra (romantic) yet he was high then too. And i was blind to it.

Cooking me romantic meals.

Giving massages for no reason apart from he loved me.

Taking me to a museum.

Our first kiss, he asked me first if it was ok to kiss me. That's when i fell in love with him. He was wasted then too (i didn't realise he was on drugs)

spending 10 days together in spain in the sun (apart from one night he got wasted and ruined everything).

Most of my happy memories are becoming tainted by his addiction.
I have to keep reminding myself that.

I won't be writing the good list. There is no point. I know he's a decent man underneath, and i am in love with and miss the possibilty of what could have been if there were no drugs, what was, and the potential.
But then, it's all just one big lie isn't it??

What have i learnt??? To never just roll over and take it. To always stick with my morals, it took me long enough but i did. And his reaction was to leave me and indulge in himself rather than fight for what could be.

~limiya~
dont list the memories, ahh the pain that brings
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Old 08-06-2009, 02:05 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Hey girls, Just want to say thanks for reminding I've never been alone in my relationship with an alcoholic/addict, that my feelings of hurt and anger and resentment are very real, but surely life gets better as time goes on with very minimal or no contact at all. With all the experiences you share, each one has played a role in some form in my own 7-year relationship with the man I wish I could have clean forever, but I finally realize it probably won't happen, except with a miracle from my higher power.

Meanwhile, I have finally come to the point where I'm tired of the "rollercoaster" emotional ride involved with trying to love an alcoholic/addict. The word "stability" is never a part of the relationship...NEVER...this fact alone is the biggest lesson I have learned and grown stronger from in this relationship...trying to maintain emotional stability through denial has worn my heart out...and yes it still hurts deeply like a sore that is taking so long to heal.

How can a person you love so much be so sweet and kind one moment...and then turn cold and evasive and neglectful the next, over a matter of two weeks or less...over and over again huh?.... along with the lies, possible cheating, stealing....Well, this year (year 7) last April, he barely acknowledged my birthday and began to be verbally abusive with me (name-calling) in a jokingly way when he "got annoyed" with my what he calls "nagging"...Name-calling is something completely out of his character, and he never did this the whole 30 years I have known him until now, and this helped me to realize he was getting mentally worse, not better. Although he always professed to never having cheated on me, I stopped being intimate with him around year 5 into the relationship because he switched to using meth. Thus far, he has not protested and always brags about "using his hand". He is a polysubstance abuser (I suspect weed, coke, heroin, meth) and I witnessed all the different moods and signs from each drug and seem to know which one he is using every time. Right now. I believe it is crack again.

At any rate, I'm tired and I realize that after all I have been through, I am strong enough now to just move on and get off the emotional rollercoaster So far, really I am amazed at how strong I have been with no contact rule at this point, seems I get stronger with each "rollercoaster break", and whenever I start to miss him I tell myself subconsciously "dont get back on that rollercoaster, the good part wont last and he will only hurt you again", so far its working because I realize now I was actually addicted to "rollercoaster" lifestyle pattern with him....contacting me and loving on me when he was broke for 2 weeks...then after the two weeks passes, the pay day disappearing act, avoiding me, acting cold and callous as if we had never been together. This has gone on after I kicked him out from living with me for about 1-1/2 years upon discovering his drug addiction, he was paying his part, but dealing with the beer alone was hard, so discovering his drug addiction added fuel to the fire.

So now, the no contact rule gives me time to really see how much more deserving I am of having a better life. No, I wont ever stop loving him, but I can surely love myself better than waiting for him to get clean and stay clean and seeing him repeatedly going back around people who deal and use drugs. He will always have a very special place in my heart, but I wont miss what he has become. His handsome smile, cooking for me, foot rubs, hiking together, concerts and charm I will always miss, but not the Jekyll and Hyde he has become.

Thanks for sharing
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Old 08-06-2009, 11:22 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
IPT
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I can totally relate to all of this. At this point I am not sure what hurts more, accepting the reality of what she may have been doing all those times she left me hanging, or accepting the fact that I allowed her to lie and manipulate me all those times... it totally sucks.
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