cassandra2

This am I dropped off my daughter to the ex. I get very anxious when I have to do this because I never know if he will be angry, mad, cocky, nice or indifferent. Today he was decent. Asked a few questions. Told me he had plans to do stuff with our daughter tomorrow and wouldnt be home at the regular pick up time to come later.

I think he was hiding some things from me because I know he has court tomorrow afternoon and he didnt want to say that. He also hesitated to close the door and stood there for a few moments and then said someone would be by to get the rest of his stuff from my house. I asked if he got the message about his docs office calling about his refill he said yes but then quickly moved onto something else.

I dont know which is worse him being angry or secretive or decent. Today when I drove away I felt lost. I felt like he was coming to some clarity and really did not want to get back with his family. I am just trying to keep telling myself that actions speak louder then words give him time. But my heart hurts so much. Things at this point are still repairable why doesnt he see that?

I am so upset with all of this. I just cant stand this. I want it to end. I want my family back and I feel like it is slipping through my fingers.

Live

Cassandra, you deserve so much better than this!

Is your child old enough to just go knock on the door for visitation without it involving you?

dogged

im sorry ,,its tough isnt it?? on one hand a person wants to get away from the madness and on the other we still want the sense of family that we had before, and logically we know we have to do this but our heart is still with the man we used to know..its hard having to make decions like this when one still loves them(that has to be the worst i think...no one knows what the future holds,only the hp does and know thast5 for whatever reasons even if we dont understand its how its suppose to be..i was so angry when mine decided to pick drugs and his new girlfriend over me< but yet i kept reminding myself that god knows that something worse is going to happen and he is just protecting me in the long run..that helped me to accept it to some degree,,i dont know what to say other than im sorry i know the pain you feel,and just keep doing whatever it is you want to do for you and your children..

cassandra2

From this day forward I refuse to think thoughts of us getting back together. I refuse to think of him being the same person I fell in love with. I refuse to allow a drug addict make me feel like I did something wrong.

I am a good person. I did the best that I could and when his problem became the FOCUS of my life I asked him to leave. I BROKE THE TIES. He isnt calling me and saying sorry for the things he has done and said to me. He isnt calling the older kids and saying sorry to them for what he has done. He is NOT MAKING ANY STEPS IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

Time you say I gave you time to get help. I asked you, I gave your numbers of therapists, treatment centers, called the insurance company. I did everything I could do to get you to understand that your PROBLEM is wrecking our lives. Now you are all moved out and living your great life. Well let me say this now that I told the doc that you are in treatment I highly doubt you will be able to collect your paycheck come next month. So you know what that means? That means that your reality is gonna be figuring out how to come up with rent when you dont have a job. Reality is gonna be that the great life you think your living without us is gonna come crashing down.

Then who will be sorry. Not me. I will be in my home with my kids and OUR security that we have in being a family. I am done. The hope that I have held onto is gone. I am moving on. I cant fix your problems I can only fix mine and my biggest problem was that I BELIEVED you would get better and come back to our family. LIES LIES LIES. Lies that I told myself to get through this. I will not look back. You made your bed now you can lay in it without me.

lovesmenot74

Cassandra ((hugs)) ... I'm so sorry. I wish I knew what to say to help you to feel better - you helped me so much yesterday I wish I could return the help today. All I can say is that, yes, actions do speak louder than words. I have also asked myself why my ex didn't see that things were still repairable and do the work to repair it. He used to always say he wanted another chance but would never actually DO anything about it. Instead, it seemed he was on a mission to do one more thing to put another nail in the coffin. Someone told me once that he was so sure I would abandon him that he was going to make darned sure he proved himself right and in the end, that is exactly what he did. He kept on sabotaging things until I had no choice but to protect myself and then he told me that what I did couldn't be taken back - and he went out and got a new gf. They just don't get it ... they don't see it ... and they won't see it until it's too late for them to do anything about it ... I think maybe that is why we keep the door open just a little crack, because we know there is going to be a point where we are done ... and we're afraid that once we are done, THAT is when they'll pull their heads out of the sand and actually do the things we've wanted them to do ... but for us, it will be too late.

I'm so sorry you're hurting ... I hope nothing I said yesterday dredged up anything negative to bring you to this place today ...

(((hugs)))

cassandra2

Nothing you said could have made me feel this way. I am angry today. I am so very angry. And he can kiss my butt. I did what I could and now I am done. Done with expecting him to see because he isnt and he wont. Its all about him. I have lost alot of respect for him. Here I have sat on this forum and cried about how wonderful he was and what a great father he is and blah blah and you know that person is DEAD!!!

No longer exists. Gone. So WTF am I doing waiting for someone that is dead? Well like I said today I am no longer waiting. I am moving forward. I am living my life. I am going to graduate and get a damn good job. Buy my kids a home they can be proud of and continue to be a good mother to them.

DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE.

Limiya

Cassandra,
I feel for you right now. I understand. I don't have a family with my ex, but if i did i'm sure i'd be in the same boat.
Anger keeps us going, it's a mechanism which stops us standing still, it gives us strengh.
I'm just waiting for my anger to kick in big time. I get glimpses of it, but not enough.
I'd rather have the anger, than the longing, sadness, pain of want.

He isn't the same person anymore Cass. He obviously doesn't deserve you and your family's devotion.

~Limiya~

cassandra2

Nope not one bit. He has lost all that used to be near and dear to his heart and he doesnt even care. Not one bit. So screw him. There are plenty of guys out there that would not treat such a great family this way. Drugs or no drugs its no excuse.

Its his problem now. Not mine. I am tired of waiting for the phone to ring and it be him the old him. He is dead. Not coming back. So goodbye to you and all the crap that comes along with loving you.........

Impurrfect

(((Cassandra))) The problem, I see, is one I had..trying to figure out why he doesn't see what he's doing, wondering what's he's thinking (or not thinking)..in other words, trying to get in his mind. It can't be done. Even in a normal relationship, there are some things we never understand about each other. Throw in addiction, and it's hopeless.

I'm glad to see you get your focus back on you, so quickly. You're making a lot of progress, and I'm proud of you!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

cessy68

Miss Cassandra,
Keep your head up. I know that you are angry, I can hear it through the computer. I can hear it because I have been there. At times like this, to not be busy can be a blessing.... being busy and having this kind of emotional turmoil going on can be exhausting.
I wish I knew what to say, the only thing I can say is to remember the excercise my therapist gave me.
Get a picture of YOU when you were very little. Look at it for a good long while. Ask yourself if you want anyone hurting that little girl. If the answer is NO then you protect her. When she is sad, let her cry and hold her, remind her that even though it hurts, you aren't going to let her go there anymore. Tell yourself (the adult rational person) that NO PERSON is going to take away that little girls spirit, her smile, her heart. YOU protect her.
In essence- you are protecting you. We shouldn't give our hearts to those who are reckless with the most valuable thing we can offer.
They don't deserve our vulnerablility.

On a side note, (i don't know if anyone likes or listens to country music here) but, nonetheless, there is a new song by brooks and dunn, called "cowgirls don't cry"- when I get sad, I do it in private, I won't let him have that one more piece of me anymore. I listen to the words of that song, it gives me strength and keeps me from allowing him in any further.
Give it a listen..... one verse 2nd verse actually says, "she grew up, she got married, it never was quite right, she wanted a home, and babies, he started comming home late at night, she never showed how he broke her heart, she never let him see her fall apart- cowgirls don't cry.... RIDE BABY RIDE"
be strong girl,
Take care,
Cess

imallright

How about "Let it go" by Tim McGraw.... that songs says it all for me.