Clueless NonAddict
Clueless about addicts
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 1
Clueless NonAddict
I am recently engaged (about 6 months) and my fiance is a recovering drug addict. He was clean for 3 years, and just this past week he went on a 4 day bender, using crack. He didn't call me until the 4th day, by then I was sick to death with worry, if he was ok, or dead, or in trouble with the police! I have never had this as part of my life before, and I do not know what I should do! All my family and friends are telling me I should take my daughter and RUN! I love him, and want to be supportive, but I do not want this around my daughter! Please give this clueless non-addict some advice! Thanks!
:praying for guidance!
:praying for guidance!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Hi there, sorry for the reasons that brought you here. Unfortunately, I , like you, was totally clueless about addiction until my daughter confided that she was hooked.
Only you can decide what is right for you...stay or go. My one suggestion is not to move forward with a wedding until you know whether he has truly gotten things back under control and is working a program of recovery. Addicts say a lot of things...but actions count.
I found Naranon (or Alanon if there are no Naranon meetings around) to be a life saver. Lots of caring people who understood what I was going through and could share their expereinces, strength and hope with me. Hugs
Only you can decide what is right for you...stay or go. My one suggestion is not to move forward with a wedding until you know whether he has truly gotten things back under control and is working a program of recovery. Addicts say a lot of things...but actions count.
I found Naranon (or Alanon if there are no Naranon meetings around) to be a life saver. Lots of caring people who understood what I was going through and could share their expereinces, strength and hope with me. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
First, I am so sorry that you are suffering this current situation.
I must confess that my first reaction after a long journey with my addict is RUN!!! You have no idea what you're in for!!
When I calm myself down, I have this to say.
No one can tell you what to do, however, since you have a daughter, I'd say be very, very careful. A four day bender on crack after three years sober seems like a really big relapse to me.
Are you absolutely sure he's been clean for 3 years? Has he been actively working a 12 step program?
I know people can change and I also know that drug addiction is a disease that must be managed every single day, so if your fiancee has not been actively working a program, then relapse is more likely.
Also, does he drink? Addicts think that as long as they don't do thier drug of choice they are ok and that drinking doesn't count. If he uses any mind altering substances whatsoever, he has not been "clean" and that's a big red flag. Drinking contributes significantly to relapse and most addiction counselors consider using anything a relapse.
I would also suggest you do some serious (very serious) reading up on addiction so that you know exactly what you are getting yourself into. That way, if you decide to stay, you'll know what to expect.
If you didn't have a daughter to consider, it wouldn't matter as much. But since you are making this decision for both of you, it is critical that you do so with all the informaiton you need to make a wise decision. It might not be how you want to spend your time right now, but before you go further into this relationship, having all the information you need is important.
You may love him, but I'm guessing you love your daughter too. However, he is an adult and she is a child that needs your protection and guidance.
Please weight the decision carefully. There is no harm in waiting and gathering information and a huge harm in moving too quickly (as they say, marry in haste, repent at leisure).
And finally, you may want to consider support like a therapist, pastor, drug counselor or a nar anon or al anon family group. Folks with some significant amount of experience that you can talk at length with can also help you gain the perspective you need as well as let you know how to be supportive in the right (not codependent) way in the event you decide to stick around.
When we are young and immature, it is normal for us to say "but we are in love" as justification for marrying someone. When we are older, more mature and have children to consider, we know the decision is more serious than that. Mature adults can love someone and still not enter a committed relationship if it isn't the right thing for them or their children.
Prayers that you find the clarity you need for a wise decision.
I must confess that my first reaction after a long journey with my addict is RUN!!! You have no idea what you're in for!!
When I calm myself down, I have this to say.
No one can tell you what to do, however, since you have a daughter, I'd say be very, very careful. A four day bender on crack after three years sober seems like a really big relapse to me.
Are you absolutely sure he's been clean for 3 years? Has he been actively working a 12 step program?
I know people can change and I also know that drug addiction is a disease that must be managed every single day, so if your fiancee has not been actively working a program, then relapse is more likely.
Also, does he drink? Addicts think that as long as they don't do thier drug of choice they are ok and that drinking doesn't count. If he uses any mind altering substances whatsoever, he has not been "clean" and that's a big red flag. Drinking contributes significantly to relapse and most addiction counselors consider using anything a relapse.
I would also suggest you do some serious (very serious) reading up on addiction so that you know exactly what you are getting yourself into. That way, if you decide to stay, you'll know what to expect.
If you didn't have a daughter to consider, it wouldn't matter as much. But since you are making this decision for both of you, it is critical that you do so with all the informaiton you need to make a wise decision. It might not be how you want to spend your time right now, but before you go further into this relationship, having all the information you need is important.
You may love him, but I'm guessing you love your daughter too. However, he is an adult and she is a child that needs your protection and guidance.
Please weight the decision carefully. There is no harm in waiting and gathering information and a huge harm in moving too quickly (as they say, marry in haste, repent at leisure).
And finally, you may want to consider support like a therapist, pastor, drug counselor or a nar anon or al anon family group. Folks with some significant amount of experience that you can talk at length with can also help you gain the perspective you need as well as let you know how to be supportive in the right (not codependent) way in the event you decide to stick around.
When we are young and immature, it is normal for us to say "but we are in love" as justification for marrying someone. When we are older, more mature and have children to consider, we know the decision is more serious than that. Mature adults can love someone and still not enter a committed relationship if it isn't the right thing for them or their children.
Prayers that you find the clarity you need for a wise decision.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Welcome to SR so glad you found us. We know what you are going through!! Well said Trouble!!! My thoughts exactly. Knowledge is POWER.
Prayers to you and your family. Keep reading and posting.....
Prayers to you and your family. Keep reading and posting.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Hi there........ I am new here, so advice from me, isn't great, I'm trying to learn & cope myself. HOWEVER, I have been w/ my bf for 3 yrs, two of which hes been using and drinking. I have children..... so be very careful and cautious.
Even if the addiction is not obvious to others, the toll it WILL take on you emotionally WILL be evident to your child. It truely is all consuming to be witness to this aweful kind of problem
Take care of you and your baby first.
With sadness in my heart 4u,
Cess
Even if the addiction is not obvious to others, the toll it WILL take on you emotionally WILL be evident to your child. It truely is all consuming to be witness to this aweful kind of problem
Take care of you and your baby first.
With sadness in my heart 4u,
Cess
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
my first reaction was also RUN
my calmer second one was Wait - dont rush into a marriage with someone who you have doubts about trust. My ex was a computer addict - it still seems so surreal to me to say that but i need to acknowledge it. Believe it or not they also dissapear for days, have money problems because they are always loosing jobs and using credit cards to keep up the online accts, stay up all night, have health problems from lack of sleep, have virtual and real affairs with people they meet online. Its crazy to me but it destroyed my marriage.
We got married very quickly before i really saw the extent of his problems. But there were warning signs - early on he disappeared for a couple of days - i was terrified that something happened to him. I should have broke it off or at least held off on marrying him until I knew there was a problem but he had great excuses and denied any problems. After being married to him for 10 years it just got worse and worse - but never did the pain get less. Are you willing to have a life with a man where you have to go through what you just did on a regular basis?
my calmer second one was Wait - dont rush into a marriage with someone who you have doubts about trust. My ex was a computer addict - it still seems so surreal to me to say that but i need to acknowledge it. Believe it or not they also dissapear for days, have money problems because they are always loosing jobs and using credit cards to keep up the online accts, stay up all night, have health problems from lack of sleep, have virtual and real affairs with people they meet online. Its crazy to me but it destroyed my marriage.
We got married very quickly before i really saw the extent of his problems. But there were warning signs - early on he disappeared for a couple of days - i was terrified that something happened to him. I should have broke it off or at least held off on marrying him until I knew there was a problem but he had great excuses and denied any problems. After being married to him for 10 years it just got worse and worse - but never did the pain get less. Are you willing to have a life with a man where you have to go through what you just did on a regular basis?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I am a recovering crack addict, as well as someone who has been in love with addicts, so I've been on both sides of the fence.
As everyone has said, whether you leave or stay, has to be your decision. The best thing you can do is get very well educated on addiction, and work on yourself...read/post here, go to al-anon or nar-anon meetings if you can.
Addiction quickly becomes a family disease. As out-to-lunch said, the 3 c's are very important. You didn't cause it, can't change it, and can't cure it. Addiction is a lifelong disease, but we CAN put it into remission by working a program of recovery.
I, too, had a long period of clean time, before I relapsed for a week. That's what it took for ME to hit bottom, but it takes a lot more for some others, and some never hit bottom.
The best advice I can give you is to put the marriage on hold for now, go by his ACTIONS (we A's (addicts) are famous for saying what you want to hear), and make sure he has no access to your money or valuables, because if he continues to use, he will take whatever money or valuables he can, to get his drugs.
All drugs are bad, but I have personal experience with crack and I hate it. I went from being a highly certified RN to a homeless prostitute, with a criminal charge, who could only think of my next high, within a very short amount of time. I now have almost 21 months clean, so recovery is possible, but it had to be something I wanted more than anything.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I am a recovering crack addict, as well as someone who has been in love with addicts, so I've been on both sides of the fence.
As everyone has said, whether you leave or stay, has to be your decision. The best thing you can do is get very well educated on addiction, and work on yourself...read/post here, go to al-anon or nar-anon meetings if you can.
Addiction quickly becomes a family disease. As out-to-lunch said, the 3 c's are very important. You didn't cause it, can't change it, and can't cure it. Addiction is a lifelong disease, but we CAN put it into remission by working a program of recovery.
I, too, had a long period of clean time, before I relapsed for a week. That's what it took for ME to hit bottom, but it takes a lot more for some others, and some never hit bottom.
The best advice I can give you is to put the marriage on hold for now, go by his ACTIONS (we A's (addicts) are famous for saying what you want to hear), and make sure he has no access to your money or valuables, because if he continues to use, he will take whatever money or valuables he can, to get his drugs.
All drugs are bad, but I have personal experience with crack and I hate it. I went from being a highly certified RN to a homeless prostitute, with a criminal charge, who could only think of my next high, within a very short amount of time. I now have almost 21 months clean, so recovery is possible, but it had to be something I wanted more than anything.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi and welcome to this site. I hope you keep reading and posting until you learn all you can about crack addiction and what crack addicts are capable of. Do not put on blinders and pretend that this problem will just go away. It won't.
The 3c's are important things to remember when dealing with addiction - You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
Please set boundaries about the kind of behavior that you are willing to accept in your life and in the life of your children. And whoever violates those boundaries should be OUT.
Also remember, actions not words. crack users will lie and make promises until they are blue in the face that they will never use again but they have a plan of action for recovery, their words don't mean anything.
"Don't talk about it, be about it" is my motto when it comes to my sons father. And to this day he is still a crackhead. Even though he swears he is done. He just can't quit. He's in too deep.
The 3c's are important things to remember when dealing with addiction - You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
Please set boundaries about the kind of behavior that you are willing to accept in your life and in the life of your children. And whoever violates those boundaries should be OUT.
Also remember, actions not words. crack users will lie and make promises until they are blue in the face that they will never use again but they have a plan of action for recovery, their words don't mean anything.
"Don't talk about it, be about it" is my motto when it comes to my sons father. And to this day he is still a crackhead. Even though he swears he is done. He just can't quit. He's in too deep.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
What ANvil explains is exactly it. Actually id rather go into the bears enclosure, think Id have a better chance...
My husband is a crack addict and if I could go abck to his first use/relapse/whatever after we were together, even after we were married, Id take the run advice.
These days Im still planning a safe healthy least drama full escape.
I can tell you Ive met so many people, with 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, even 10 years clean who went back and took years if ever to break free again.
Read through her, Learnt he 3 cs and know you cant help him, only he can help himself, but eventually your daughter may be effected and you defiantely will
My husband is a crack addict and if I could go abck to his first use/relapse/whatever after we were together, even after we were married, Id take the run advice.
These days Im still planning a safe healthy least drama full escape.
I can tell you Ive met so many people, with 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, even 10 years clean who went back and took years if ever to break free again.
Read through her, Learnt he 3 cs and know you cant help him, only he can help himself, but eventually your daughter may be effected and you defiantely will
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: manchester, england
Posts: 6
i am sending big thoughts, hugs and prayers, and i also wish i could tell you to run, run, run, my husband was an alcoholic, and whilst his drug choice may be less risky where your child in concerned, addiction regardless of the drug choice screws up families, i am sure you love him but paramount to all of your lives is that you realise NOW that nothing you do or say will alter his path of addiction (and possible recovery), you can not love him better, you can only look after yourself and your child, only you knows whether you can do this safely whilst remaining in the relationship,
which ever way you go it has to be right for you, i'm pretty new to this stuff and the best advice i can give is listen to the guys around here they know what they saying and for your daughters sake and your own stay safe
which ever way you go it has to be right for you, i'm pretty new to this stuff and the best advice i can give is listen to the guys around here they know what they saying and for your daughters sake and your own stay safe
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