Need Advice

Old 11-23-2008, 06:41 AM
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Question Need Advice

Hi everyone, Supposedly my AD will be entering rehab this afternoon. (3rd time--as you all know that last time in Aug/Sept she broke her ankle and came home after only 18 days)

How do I try to explain her absence to my 6yr old grand-daughter....in the past during jail & 2 rehabs we told her that her mommy was in school, a special school that she couldn't come home at nite. However I find it very difficult to keep this up as the 6yo is in school now and wonders why she can't see her Mommy at nite or weekends. After all, the 6yo can come home.

These little ones feelings are what break my heart.

Chris
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Old 11-23-2008, 06:58 AM
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My personal opinion is that you tell the truth but omit the gory details. Mommy is sick and going to a place that can help her with her problems. Even at 6 I think we underestimate what they have seen and heard on their own. Sometimes it can be even more confusing for them. If they have seen mommy acting "funny" or seen the other bad effects of drugs they may think that is normal behavor for a parent and that is unhealthy for the child. Truth is always best but a small child doesnt need too many details that would just confuse and scare them. I think you may find that this child knows much more than you realize and that could be a good place to start. Gently talk to her and see if there are things she will open up about that bother her or she has seen and then explain to her that the place her mommy is going will be helping her with those problems. At this age many times its better to have these talks while you are doing something else - playing a game, baking cookies - just a casual talk while you are doing something. Then the things that she brings up that bother her - even if its the fact that mommy isnt around much, you can explain are the things this place will try to help with. Of course, never talk badly of her mother to her - that can have devestating effects on a child who unconditionally loves their mother.

The effect of your honesty will also mean that the child will trust you more in the future. At some point in her life she will put 2 and 2 together and its better for you to explain it then for her to try to make sense of it on her own. I wish you the best with this and thank you for caring for this innocent child during this time.
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Old 11-23-2008, 06:59 AM
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Chris - this is a tough one and I have no advice except to recommend counsel for the gd and you - hug
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Old 11-23-2008, 07:17 AM
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I like how Winnie put it - The truth without all the gory details. I do not have experience with the same scenario as you describe - just experience with young children and situations where the truth may not be so pretty. I have found that providing as much information as they can comprehend in response to their questions, done in a calm and loving manner, has been helpful.
I also think it is a good suggestion that if you are struggling with this or believe your grand daughter is, counseling may be a good idea.
It is so heartbreaking to see the effects addiction has on innocent kids. How fortunate your granddaughter is to have such a loving grandmom!

I hope this is the time for your daughter and that soon she is reunited with her daughter and choosing to stay in recovery. Hugs
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Old 11-23-2008, 08:11 AM
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I agree with Winnie and greeteach, you will see the signs of how much she can absorb. Thanks to HP that she has you, I can relate. Hugs and prayers to you. And to all the addicts who still suffer, may HP keep you safe and lead you to recovery and peace.
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Old 11-23-2008, 08:28 AM
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My sister has a 7 year old grandson who she has custody of becuase her daughter is addicted to heroine. The boy gets that his mom is not normal.

I agree with above. The reality is she is sick and she is in a place where they will help her get better. I think kids instinctively know the truth - and what she'll need (as I am sure you know) is to know that it is not her fault, there are people who love her and her world is safe so she can be a kid and do kid things without worrying.

One thing my sister did was get her boys (there is also a 4 year old) a counselor through children's services. It helps a ton becuase they do play therapy and help children process their feelings. Kids can't often verbalize what they are feeling so this helps them heal and let go.

So no matter what you tell your grand-daughter, it might be worth a call to children's services in your community to see if you could get her into counseling. This story is not over and sometimes getting something like this started early avoids a lot of pain later.

Prayers for you and your grand-daughter,
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Old 11-23-2008, 11:37 AM
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Thank you everyone. Yes, I believe I will try to talk to her, perhaps while playing a game or baking some treats. I did tell her last night that her Mommy was sick and that the school would help her to get better. I also told her how much her Mommy loves her. Because she lives most of the time with her Daddy (who claims he is now clean) it's hard sometimes to know what he or his GF may be telling her, therefore it may be hard to try & get her counseling. She has always spend a lot of time with me, so I do what I can.

It gets even stickier because there is a second child only 9 mos old, and the second husband who is Not at all supportive of my AD....I mean he is not supportive of her going into rehab or meetings .....he has his own problems (anger, controlling, selfishness)...in his opinion he doesn't need meetings (because you see there is nothing wrong with him) What can I say....Thank God I have SR & my Naranon meetings.

Thank you all for your suggestions & Prayers, and as always you are also in mine.
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