maisie

i've been reading your posts for weeks and they help each day, i have now left AH completely (i think) finances are in tatters but the peace of mind i now have and the change in the children is better than winning the lottery! i can't quite find it in me to divorce i don't want to believe it is over, he is sober (or so he says), he is attending meetings (or so he says), he is doing it for himself (or so he says), but none of this sits right, i'm sure i can smell alcohol on him, my brother never sees hi at meetings, he doesn't seem to have changed at all the lies continue, the selfishness continues, and he continually asks me to go home i don't know whether i'm being unreasonable, ungrateful whether i should trust him, whether this is just early recovery and really he's doing well i'm just expecting too much, or is he just saying the right words and i'm getting sucked!! i'm just not getting it. i know i have my own issues and i'm starting to work on them, not quite ready for face to face contact but i keep coming here, have just starting reading codependant no more. so the situation is we no longer live together we have 2 small children i don't want to stop them seeing their dad:codiepolice:codiepolice but i need some space do i just ignore him (as my request for space has been ignored) and i get "i love you" messages daily, or do i just keep reminding him that we are seperated but i'm here as a friend, i'm trying not to enable his addictions, but on the other hand i don't want to shatter his recovery - this is so confusing how do you guys know what to do? this addiction stuff is insane, and i feel like i'm getting crazier with each day!!!

laurie6781

Welcome to posting on SR. I am glad you are here, but sorry for the reasons you have come. There are some really GREAT folks here, with lots and lots of good ES&H.

Do not listen to his words. His ACTIONS will tell you when he has truly found recovery. In the meantime.......................NO CONTACT would be great if you could manage it, however, with children involved, he may request to see them. Should you get a message like that, you would have to go with your 'gut.'

It is so much harder when children are involved. As a mom you certainly don't want him driving with the children if there is any chance he is high or drunk. I don't know the laws in England, but do they have anything over there where the court could order Supervised Visitation by an 'uninterested' 3rd party? That way he would know his days and times and where for visitation and could show up or not, which would be another sign of his recovery or not.

At this point, it is WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOU AND THE CHILDREN? Peace and Serenity or Drama and Chaos. Obviously it is the former or you wouldn't have separated.

You might want to try some Alanon meetings, at least 6 is suggested, to find some that you feel 1/2 way comfortable in. These are great for helping us help ourselves. Learning how to set boundaries, and sticking to those boundaries. And the 3 C's:

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

Only you can decide what is best for you and the children and how much, or no contact, to have.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Feel free to rant, rave, scream, cry, and even laugh. We do care very much.

Love and hugs,

dogged

i use to worry about that to..How do oyu know they are really trying? well you dont,like they said go by actions not by words..when somone is in true recovery you will know it,,its such a hugh change you will recognise it... go by your gut instincts, they are usually right,, mine would always say he was in recovery , and when he was really trying i would notice it, but when the same behaiviors started popping up and the lies,,i knew he was using agian.. they are willing to prove to you they are doing what they are suppose to, and the lies stop.. go woth you r gut,,if your already out of the house,,stay where your at, give it time,,,make a life for you right now,,you dont have to divorce him until you feel ready and know thats what you want..in the meantime get your finances in order, give yourself and the kids peace of mind, and create alife for you..do what you must just in case it goes wrong... hehas to figure this out on his own, he doesnt need your help to stay sober,,if its truly something he wants for himself he will do it,,with you there or not...

Hangin' In

Maisie,

Welcome to SR. You've found a great place for support and info so I hope you keep coming around. Read, post, ask questions ... there is a lot to learn.

The best thing I can recommend is that you find Al Anon meetings in your area. I cannot begin to tell you how much they helped me (and continue to as I still attend regularly and I'm 6 yrs into this) figure out what was right for me. For example, setting boundaries and feeling okay about it. If I didn't want to be about my RAD, then I learned to say no ... things like that.

Recovery is about us ... taking a good look at ourselves and changing some things to make our lives better. And that is what Al Anon and this board have taught me how to do. I wouldn't go back to my old way of living for $1,000,000 and I mean that.

Re your husband, like Laurie said, actions will indicate if he's working on his recovery. Early sobriety is tough and the lying doesn't go away overnight. But if he's truly working on his sobriety, you should see some changes.

In the meantime, if you can, concentrate on yourself and doing what is best for you and the kids. And if that means having no contact, then that's okay. I just know I had to detach myself from RAD in order to gain some clarity in my thinking.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

outtolunch

One of the life lessons I learned in the past year, with tremendous gratitude to the people on this board, is that I can't control or cure addiction- no different than I can shatter someone's recovery.

I have no power over other people's choices. While I might have some leverage, at the end of the day, it's their choice to get and stay sober or not. Giving the addict in your life, the dignity to make that decision and face the consequences, is what it's all about.

sailorjohn

WELCOME!!!

If I haven't done so already.

I didn't write this, someone else here posted it, but when I'm with sick people I get sicker, when I'm with healthy people I get healthier.

Yes, they know exactly what to say to suck us back in, they will try until they can find the right words. I love you. I miss you. I need you. I can't live without you.

Practicing addicts are masters at the art of manipulation, echoing what the folks above have been saying, ignore the words, look at the actions, and don't ignore what your gut instincts are telling you.

And keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.