How do you let go?

Old 11-21-2008, 08:13 PM
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How do you let go?

My daughter (can't remember the acronym - Addicted daughter - AD?) is in recovery and has slipped up once in the 60 days shes been in NA. But, she can't seem to stay away from the drug-providing boyfriend, and even though she's got the sickest lungs ever (asthma, bad, since she was a little kid), she's decided to take up smoking. She sucks on her inhaler, takes Singulair, and also has to occasionally take a nebulizer treatment. She is self destructive, compulsive and apparently has alot of addictive tendencies.

Here's the 2 worst parts. She lives with me so I have to watch her problems and drama. Actually, I don't just watch, I get wrapped up in it almost daily. And she has a 2 year old baby. My daughter and the baby live here with me. I take care of the baby for her while she goes to her almost nightly meetings.

I guess, even though I know she's on her path, whatever it's going to be - I know this in my head - I cannot seem to let it go and just let her follow her path. I see her and I worry about her, and I worry about the baby, and I can't just let it be.

I have been very good lately because I haven't been telling her how to be and what to do. I tell her to call her sponsor if she's troubled, and I encourage her to follow her path. I don't say a word about the smoking anymore, and I haven't said anything about the hateful boyfriend.

So I just don't say anything, but I stew in it. I'm miserable. I think it might be easier for me to let go if she didn't live with me but more importantly, if she didn't have a baby to take care of. I worry about the baby all the time. I worry that my daughter won't be able to take care of her, and then I worry that I won't be able to either if need be. I just worry about everything.

I try to read some 12 step literature, but it doesn't seem to do any good. I have read some of the information on this site, too, hoping it will give me some kind of relief from my constant worry.

Thanks for letting me spill my guts for a few minutes.
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Old 11-21-2008, 08:44 PM
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tanzanite

My heart goes out to you. It is doubly hard to let go when there is a child involved.

For me, prayer and working on turning things over to my HP minute by minute helps.
It also helped me to do a lot of spiritual reading, go to Nar anon family meetings and seek some counseling for myself.

I also think for me that separating the pain I felt at watching my addicted niece destroy her life was different than being caught up in her drama. So I concentrated on learning to feel my pain and let it go versus trying to control her choices. Sounds like you've done a good job with that. I think for me the hard part is that as long as my addict is not in recovery, and as long as I love her - even though I let go, it still hurts.

I've also done a lot of reading and thinking about the value of suffering - my addict's and mine, and the lessons there are in the acceptance of it.

Prayers that you can find some peace amid this struggkle until it gets better...
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Old 11-21-2008, 11:50 PM
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I have a magnet on my 'Fridge, "WORRY- BAD, PRAYER - GOOD"
I try to prayer instead of worrying about my AD, and then I try to believe that God is taking care of it all.

If she is going to meeings every night, that's a very thing. She has a good chance.
Eventually she will give up smoking, too. But if she gives up smoking too soon, it could trigger a relapse. Hang tough, mom. All is well, Just for Today.
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Old 11-21-2008, 11:59 PM
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Hi.
No answers. Only prayers. Thanks for your post.
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Old 11-22-2008, 06:09 AM
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My daughter has been clean since May. She also has bad asthma and started smoking about a year ago. She takes the same meds your daughter does and has had to have prednisone twice since she came back from rehab due to the smoking. Since I am a smoker I know how hard it is to quit and so I just leave my daughter alone and let her figure it out. The one thing that my daughter did do was get rid of the older addict boyfriend who supplied her drugs. She has since picked up a new one who is one big codie. Mine lived with me when she got out of the halfway house but has sinced moved in with her boyfriend. It really does make it easier not to get involved. If your daughter wants to stay clean she will continue to do the next right thing. And she will decide when it is time to quit smoking. It is hard to give up two addictions and although cigarettes smoking is extremely unhealthy, it is still better than drugs. Hugs, Marle
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Old 11-22-2008, 06:57 AM
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I know how hard it is to detach when they are right there, under your feet. I kicked my AS out a few months ago, but he was in active addiction and there was no grandbaby involved. So I feel your dillema. How about a counselor for you? Maybe you could get some relief from the worry. One thing that someone here said to me that I try to remember is that worry does not change one thing but me. It makes me tense, sad, and I don't participate in my own life. But again, easier said than done. I amsaying a prayer for you right now to have the strength just for one more day.
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Old 11-22-2008, 09:14 AM
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Tanznite,

Welcome to the board. I hope you'll stick around and continue to read and post.

Let me preface my comments by saying you are reading from the EX Queen of Worry right here. NO ONE could have worried more than I did.

Please try to find some Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings in your area. Your recovery is just as important as your AD's. Meetings will help TREMENDOUSLY if you give them a chance ... go to at least 6 meetings before giving up on them. The only way I "got better" was by adding face to face meetings to my life along with reading on this board. There are people in those meetings who are going through the same thing. Their story might not be exactly like yours, but the solutions are very much the same. And it helped me so much to have real live people to talk to, to call, to see on a regular basis, to bounce questions off of.

Hugs and prayers because I know how tough this is. I had a RAD living with me at one time and it was so difficult to stay out of her recovery. Al Anon helped me learn how to do that and gave me the courage to actually do it. Today worry is practically gone from my life. And when worry does try to creep in, Al Anon/the 12 step program has given me tools with which to fight it off.

Hugs,
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