desolate

Hi all, I'm new here. I just found out last week that my boyfriend of 18 years and father of my children, has been taking cocaine for over a year. I asked him to leave over a month ago as his behaviour was becoming intolerable, not knowing that he had this addiction. Things have been strained between us for some time as I had to return to work 3 years ago when he couldn't (or wouldn't) find work. I have been becoming increasingly fed up at doing a days work and then coming home to pick the kids up from school, cook dinner, wash clothes, clean etc... He couldn't seem to understand why I was so fed up and why I didn't want to be intimate with him as much as he wanted. He has done some private work which I needed to pay the mortgage as the tenant in our other flat was not paying the rent. He kept telling me that he hadn't been paid for these jobs and made a big show of making phone calls (which I now know were all an act) to ask for the money. Over the last few months he has also been draining money out of our bank account, including using money set aside for my boys' birthday presents. We are now in the position that I am so far behind on the mortgage that we may lose both of our apartments. I'm trying to sell the one we don't live in but it's very difficult at the moment.

I'm finding it very hard to deal with all the lies that he has told me and that he could be so irresponsible to let it get to a point that our children could be made homeless. He is now trying to make me feel that this is all my fault. He has told me today that it's my fault that he started taking cocaine (he has always smoked marijuana-something that I also did in my youth but stopped 14 years ago). I feel so cheated and betrayed right now and feel like I am slipping into a deep pit of depression, I feel that the last 18 years have been nothing but lies and don't know how to separate lies from truth. I want to try to be supportive but, I can't bear to even look at him at the moment. He's not the person that I thought he was and I feel cheated of a partner and friend as well as a father for my children. I don't know how to deal with all of this. I have some good friends around me but I have no family here and I don't think they would be very understanding anyway. Everything I've worked for seems to be crumbling away through no fault of my own and yet, he's trying to burden me with the guilt. Is this usual for an addict to blame someone else for their own weakness or do I need to shoulder some of the blame? My friends tell me that I have nothing to feel bad about but, are they just saying that because they are my friends?

Thanks for listening.

BayAreaPhoenix

OH yes - blame is the game. Read the stickies at the start of this forum - they are the first few threads that have a lock on them. Keep reading around, you will find you are not alone. While that will not fix your situation or what you are going thru, just knowing you are not alone was a comfort to me.

I don't know if they have Alanon or Naranon or something comparable where you live, but face to face meetings with others that understand exactly what you're going thru is very helpful. Posting and reading here, reading anything else you can, etc. also a great support.

My AH used to try to turn anything and everything around so it was MY fault, in MY control, etc. He got on his pity pot a lot, so I would forget whatever it was I was angry and/or hurt about and worried about dealing with his feelings and what he was going thru. Now I know, it was just a ploy. Placing blame, pointing fingers, deflecting me from the truth.

Welcome, you have found a good place to be. Sorry for what brought you here, but you can get thru it. Remember the 3 C's - you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it!

(((hugs)))

Troubledone

I agree with BayArea - when addicts finally are found out, they blame everyone but themselves. A counselor once told me - there is nothing I could do to force my addict to do drugs if they didn't want to and nothing I could do to prevent it if they did want to.

The one thing to hold on to in all this (my opinion) is taking care of yourself and your children. There is nothing you can do for your boyfriend that wouldn't be enabling his disease in some way.

There is a saying - keep the focus where it belongs, on yourself. I think this means, pay attention to your job, your kids, what you need to do to take care of yourself and leave the addict to figure out his life himself. It is the only way. Addicts will use any means possible to suck you into enabling their disease again, and blaming you for thier problems is the number one way they try to do this. Your friends are right - even if they are your friends.

I just read a post entitled "there's hope" - you might want to read it. I found it encouraging.

Prayers for peace and strength

Ann

Welcome to SR, I hope you'll stick around and find some strength in sharing with people who have been where you are.

Sweetie, when an active addict lies once, there is no truth anywhere. It's a sad situation and one that we cannot save them from. Most of us have found that sticking around means we get to walk into hell with them and in the end, the only one we can save is ourselves. If love could save them, not once of us would be here. We try and cry and in the end it leaves us exhausted and sad and ready to find our own recovery.

Meetings helped me, in fact they saved my life. Naranon, Alanon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that offer a program of recovery second to none and which we can use not only now to get through our crisis, but we can use it the rest of our lives to just live better and happier lives. Maybe give some meetings a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Just know that you are not alone, that we do understand and are walking with you.

Hugs

Hangin' In

Welcome Desolate. I'm so glad you've found this board. There is lots of good information here and wonderful people who are walking in your shoes, just maybe a little farther down the road than you are.

The lies just ate me up, also. I was so angry, resentful, guilt-ridden, sad, you name it. And I was so angry that I had fallen for the lies.

I'm with Ann. Please try to find some Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings in your area. I don't think I would have made it without my meetings. In my meetings I met people who were dealing with the same issues I was dealing with and they seemed to be much happier than I. They had something I wanted, so I stuck around. Thank God I did for they taught me a better way to live and to handle the addiction in my life.

I hope to see you around some more.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

Alaia

Exactly. If only I knew then what I know now.

Don't try to figure out what is the truth and what is a lie, because you are only going to drive yourself crazy.

outtolunch

I am sorry that you are going through this.

Please consider doing what you need to do to protect yourself . Open a new bank account in your name. Keeps checks and ATM card and Pin # in a safe place. Change your locks.

You will need an attorney to work out any joint property as well as to get the ball rolling on child support.

Take care of yourself. Your children need you.