Troubledone

My niece is doing time at the workhouse. She violated probation and is doing her second time there.

Her current boyfriend (one in a very long string of other nitwits) managed to get his visitation revoked by mailing something stupid to her. Then I find out his license is revoked, out of a job, the usual stuff.

So - he can't visit, he can't drive and he's run out of money so she can't call him on his cell phone. I think this is wonderful, she's heartbroken.

So here's the dumb question... How can I get her to see that while all these guys she dates have different names and look different, in essence they are the same guy...

All irresponsible, unstable, unemployed, drug-users, etc.

OK - I know the answer - she'll figure it out when she wants to.... and she's attracting them because she is attracting what she is herself...

but golly, I hate to see her hurting herself. She called me in tears from the workhouse on her break - she can barely work. Of course, the good news is that she's working - when she was using and had a job she would have called in sick. In the workhouse, they get so little money for the work they do, missing a day is a big deal (and I don't put money on her books).

And, while I feel empathy, I am not upset about this.. I now see this as part of the process of her figuring it all out. I just wish she'd open her ears and listen once in a while.

Thanks for listening... I would welcome any suggestions.

hello-kitty

I hear you. I undestand the frustration.

We are powerless over them. We can't change them. They are sick and until they choose to stop hurting themselves, there is nothing we can do. We must let go or we get sucked in to their disease and that makes us sick too.

Her problem is much bigger then the boys she dates. Her problem is her. And you can't fix that.

(((hugs))) at least she has you to talk to. That's supportive. I think the best answer is, "I'm sure everything will be ok. You are a smart girl. You'll get through this. I love you."

And no money on the books is very smart on your part.

cassandra2

You cant get anybody to see anything they DONT WANT TO.

I was with a man for 10 years that was the biggest piece of crap in the world and I didnt SEE it until the very end. Its kinda funny. I was driving in my car that I bought cause he could never contribute anything and we were coming home from the grocery store with groceries that I paid for and I looked over at him. At first I had to do a double take because what I saw was who he really was.

It was a big, steaming, smelly TURD!!! NO joke I saw a turd sitting next to me. And for the first time in our 10 year marriage I realized what EVERYONE else saw immediately....

Looking back on it now I am really glad I went through that because that situation has given me the strength to deal with everything I am going through now.

But like I said I didnt want to listen or talk to anyone that had anything negative to say about my wonderful turd. I didnt even see it when he was beating me. Thats sad. But when your niece starts to love herself and want to see she will.

She will NEVER EVER say oh so and so helped me see him for what he really is. She will see it on her own....

Troubledone

thanks hello-kitty and cassandra - your posts help!

marle

My daughter picked losers because she said they made her feel safe-as in they were more messed up than she was. She hates herself and so she does not feel worthy to have a nice boy. Her first boyfriend was a wonderful person, the next three got steadily worse. All of them abused her some way. The boy she is dating now is a really nice person but a huge codie. But I am staying out of it because he is giving her something that for now she can't give herself-love. Maybe she will learn to love herself in time. And maybe your niece will too. But we can't really do anything to speed up the process. I feel all I can do for my daughter is just love her until she can love herself. Hugs, Marle

winnie12

With my AS as the moment I would say I didnt like a friend or girlfriend he had, was the moment he would become obsessed with being around them. I found it better to never say anything bad about any of his friends - instead when he introduces me to a friend who seems to be a good influence, I speak well of them - not by saying they are a "good influence" but by pointing out the things that he likes, i.e., he's so funny, she's so smart, that kind of thing.

Troubledone

Thanks all.

I visited my niece tonight. It is sad to watch her slowly come to the realization that he is not her prince in shining armor.

I think on some level focusing on him was helping her feel less bad about her situation (being in the workhouse). She had herself convinced he would get her out and get her convictions overturned (complete fantasy - he can't even get his own license back). Now that reality is setting in, she's in a lot of emotional pain.

I tell her I love her and remind her of how much all of her family loves her - and that she is smart (she is - graduated with honors from college) - but she's feeling pretty bad about herself now. I think with the boyfriend out of the picture she's left with the reality of her situation and the result of her choices.

thanks for all your responses. I agree that the best I can do is love her and not say too much until she learns to love herself.

greeteachday

As sad as the emotional pain is to watch, it helps me to know that from the pain, if one can be open to the message, comes growth.

The one thing that helps me when i get so frustrated about a loved one "not seeing" something, is to think of instances where a well meaning someone tried repeatedly to convince me of his or her view of what i should do. Even in cases where i later decided the person was right, I was resistant and resentful of the repeated attempts at the time. why? because I thought I knew what I was doing and what worked for me. So I figure, if I felt that way without addiction in the mix, how much more intensely must an addict who is not yet ready feel that way? I suspect that even the kindest words with the best of intentions sound like nagging after awhile.

One other thought...my daughter just mentioned to me tonight when we were talking about the struggles of a friend of her's who has wrestled with staying clean, that she did not think this person had dropped the spoiled princess view of the world and found humility yet. She said that was something that she didn't really find herself until she became humbled by the experience of 60 days in jail, and that humility made all the difference in her commitment to recovery. I hope your niece has a similar discovery.

lagrutke

Greeteachday, that is so true. We had a family counseling session with my AS and the counselor told my AS that he showed no humility. She went on to tell him that he had an air of entitlement about him. I truly hope he finds humility soon.

Troubledone

Thanks greeteachday and lagrutke - Oddly enough, my niece was told by her group in the workhouse that she has no humility.

She did say that when we was free before, she wouldn't take a job for $7.00 hour becuase she had a college degree. After working for 1.50 an hour in the workhouse and being grateful for it, she says she'll have a different perspective when she gets out. So I guess there is some progress.

I feel a little bad because last night she was stressing (still) about the boyfriend not paying the cell phone bill or writing. She kept saying - I KNOW if he wanted to, he would be able to put money on the phone. I told her that we just didn't know why he wasn't doing it, there could be a million reasons and that she would drive herself crazy trying to guess.

In the end I said - "when a person can't take care of themselves, at some point it is impossible for them to take care of someone else." and I also asked if she thought he might be using again. I also suggested that she write down all the things she knew for sure (had proof) and all the things he had been telling her that have not come to pass (like he keeps promising to get her out and have her felonies erased - HA!). And - I asked why, if he had the power to erase her felonies, did he still have a suspended drivers license himself.

And then I told her about my observations of how the lawyer that the boyfriend got for her performed in her hearings when she was not present (he was incompetent and almost took her to trial which would have landed her in prison if the judge hadn't straightened him out). I was calm when I told her this, but after wondered if I should have said anything. Basically, the boyfriend had been telling her that this lawyer would be able to get her felonies erased - which is impossible under the circumstances according to her po.

She got really quiet at that point - and sad and said she had to go. And I hung up feeling like I had been too harsh. At the same time, I didn't say I hated him or that he was a bad person - just questioning some of her assumptions.

It was hard for me to fall asleep, wondering if I'd said the wrong thing, said too much, said too little, etc.

Prayers would be helpful. Thanks