blizzard77

I implemented the "no contact" rule after my AH told me the day he got so messed up and I had to take him to the hospital he intentionally tried to kill himself. He was already 650 miles away as I had kicked him out after he chose not to go to rehab. Again, I offered rehab and even said I'd pay his child-support while he was there (his big worry-so he claimed). He said NO. I asked him to change his # but he said no. I immediately took steps to block his numbers and stop all contact with him. That was 5 days ago. I felt great until yesterday. I wasn't obsessing about calling to find out how he was or making up silly reasons to "have" to call him. I felt good about my decision. I still do but last night I wanted so badly to pick up that phone and call him. Or sit down and write him an email. But, I didn't. I've been able to live without him for a year and a half 650 miles apart yet I've always stayed in contact. I didn't see how staying in contact was STILL enabling him. To be honest it's still not clear to me, but I didn't do this for him. I did it for me.
I've implemented no contact many times before only for ME to end up being the one who contacts him first.
I'm keeping busy, going to get my hair done today (so I'm doing things for me) yet that obsessive little monster is creeping back out.
Is he OK, alive or dead? And all the other questions I want to ask are still there. I can still contact him. I wish he would've changed his # too but he wouldn't. What is my problem?? Be honest, I can take it. I haven't been to any meetings. Last time I started going a man befriended me and told me he could help me work on the steps. Others recommended him. We met at his house, he charged 20 dollars per session and got too close, invaded my space. I've been turned off to meetings ever since. He was at every meeting location I ever went to so I was afraid to go to any.

PacNorwesterner

Is that normal for people, that you meet at meetings, to charge? I thought all sponsors were donating their time and talents.

Sounds really strange to me.

NeedingHelp7

That is really unheard of in the programs!! That is almost offensive!! I can't believe I'm hearing that!! (That dirty:) I would contact the district manager of that meeting.

But anyways...go to meetings anyway.

As far as no contact, practice makes perfect. Slips happen. It does get easier. I had to go N/C myself, except for issues concerning our child.

NH&

BBD

Sounds strange to me also. Everyone I know that is a sponsor does it just to help...I'm sorry your missing your guy but the no contact does sound like the way to go. If it has been you doing all contacting and not him~~its time for you to stick to your rules and let him work his recovery. Time will tell what will happen. Be good to yourself! Hugs, Bonnie

winnie12

i find when i have those overwhelming urges to call or email that if i just sit down and write a letter to them but never send it - i feel better. just a trick i play to get the words out without breaking my own boundaries.

Chino

I've never thought staying in contact was enabling, just maddening for me. When I've wanted to know if my daughter is alive, I've sent her a text asking "are you alive?" There were times she answered and times she didn't. When all I wanted was a simple "yes" sometimes she said more than what I wanted to know. Sometimes she said less than what I wanted to know or not at all.

I learned not to ask the question unless I was prepared to accept whatever response I got.

Live

It is very hard to break such an ingrained habit...but I will bet at about 30 days it will be much easier. It takes us time to clear our heads. And stop letting them take up all that space in our heads that would be better spent other ways.

blizzard77

Thank you all for your responses. I did report that guy from the meetings. I don't know what happened after that. I never went back.

atalose

Blizzard77,

See if you can find another meeting in your area and give it another try. I'm dissapointed with that man and HIS OWN FOR PROFIT program but alanon is not like that. It's unfortunate your experience had to be what it was but please give it another try.

genrs123

thats terrible about the man charging. really, just terrible trying to profit off of someones desire for personal growth and recovery in a non profit program!!!

Anyway, i have to fight the no contact urges too. today was excrutiatingly hard and i came very close. what i do is call my friends isntead. any of them. all of them. i tell them i am thinking about it and i listen to what they say. sometimes, now, i dont even ask because i know what theyll tell me.

you could also try posting here instead. and if you ever want to private message me, and get it all out ill be happy to listen (no charge!!!! , haha). ive been thankful to have people here to do the same for me, and its been really helpful and probably the best relief for me. i will be happy to help someone as i have been helped.

good luck, i know it is hard but you are being REALLY strong through this. you have the power! run with it!!!!!!!!

Limiya

Hey girl, im also struggling with the 'no contact' on and off at the moment. When it happens i just keep telling myself 'no' and call friends or family.
I usually find it passes after a while and i feel ok again.
Just knowing it will pass at the moment keeps me from contacting him. Reminding myself i don't want the rollercoaster or pain anymore is stopping me also.

Good luck honey. We're here to listen, and we understand.
~Limiya~

Jody Hepler

I sponsor people to give back what was given to me. Kind of the pay it forward thing. Plus it keeps me active in my program - reminds me of just how painful it was in the beginning and pushes me on to stay with recovery.

It is recommended that women have women sponsors, men with men.

What I look for in getting a sponsor for me?
1. Have they worked all the steps.
2. Do they have a sponsor? Do they stay in touch with their sponsor - not just in name only?
3. Do they go to meetings regularly - can you go to at least one meeting a week with your sponsor?
4. Do they have some "time" in the program - I have always had an old-timer, 10 years or more - they have lived through all kinds of problems using their recovery.
5. It has never mattered to me the specifics - is their addicted person the same as mine (kids, husband, friend) or is their addicted person sober or using.
6. Before you walk into each meeting, ask your Higher Power to guide you to the right person.

I've had my latest sponsor for 16 years - she knows more about how I think and act then I do.

Hope you find one.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

I always tell folks - you deserve the best!