Update on my 18 yo AS

Old 11-18-2008, 07:59 AM
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Update on my 18 yo AS

My AS came home a week ago Monday from a 28 day rehab. He was doing well and saying all the right things. He was out looking for work, went to a meeting, helped around the house, etc. On Saturday evening, we started to notice some behaviors so when he got home by his 11 o'clock curfew, I asked him to take a drug test. When he came home from rehab, we had a list of boundaries. One of them was that drugs were unacceptable and that a test would be gven if we saw any addictive behaviors. He was in agreement with that and said it wouldn't be a problem.

Well, he stormed out of the house when I asked him to take a test. He obviously would not have been clean. If he was not clean, we would have asked him to leave and he knew this. I would have waited until the morning, but ultimately, he would have had to leave the house. I guess he didn't want to wait around for that.

He has been gone since Saturday night. We have not seen or heard from him since then. He has very little money, no job, no clothes. He left with nothing but his truck. I am sure he is over at a friend's house. I'm not sure how long they will put him up. When he has worn out his welcome at his friends' homes, I expect we will hear from him. I turned off his cell phone that we were paying for. I have a list of phone numbers for him for shelters and the Salvation Army Rehab.

I sure hope he reaches his bottom soon. I am no longer cushioning him. I'm trying to do my part in helping him seek recovery by not supporting his using. I don't want to abandon him. I want to support any recovery efforts. I would let him come back home if I knew he was trying to seek recovery; however, I can't trust anything he says at this time. Only actions, but actions take time. I am worried that because he is only 18 he doesn't have the maturity or knowledge to find help. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

I am holding up pretty well. I went to my first Al-anon meeting last night. I do understand that I am powerless. I can only hope that he comes to his senses.

Thanks for listening,
Kathy
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Old 11-18-2008, 08:09 AM
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Having that list ready is smart thinking. After rehab he knows how to find an NA or AA meeting. He also knows he has to ask for help if he truly wants it. You're doing all the right things and keep working your own recovery. Kudos to you and prayers for your serenity and his sobriety.
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Old 11-18-2008, 08:31 AM
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Chino is right. He learned in rehab how to find a meeting. How to get help. How to find support. And sadly, he's not ready. I was in rehab myself in 2003 for drinking and prescription meds. They told us that 1 out of 4 would MAKE it the first time. The other 3 would be back. Believe me, you are doing all the RIGHT things.
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Old 11-18-2008, 08:39 AM
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sadly he is not ready yet, but I agree with what has been said, he now knows "what and where", for when he is ready..
good for you for doing the next right thing and taking care of you...you are doing great!
it sometimes dosen't feel like a lot but truth be told, it is enough...
prayers for your serenity , and his return to recovery, Hugs, Grateful
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Old 11-18-2008, 08:42 AM
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Oh My Dear Cathy, He is young and I know how hard it is. You want so much to help him. Help him by being strong. You know drug use will only hurt him and bring him down. Do whatever you can to get him to want help. If that means being hard on him you have to do it. I have seen since coming here that kids that get off drugs & get clean, have parents who were the toughest.
Sending you love, strength, and many mom hugs,
Diane
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Old 11-18-2008, 08:45 AM
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You may want to try Job Corps U.S. Department of Labor - Job Corps - California Centers I know in GA they have some great programs and many kids who get in trouble with the law end up there. they give them shelter, train them in a trade, help them with GED and have good rules that they have to abide by. when they get out they have a skill which could be invaluable to their success.
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Old 11-18-2008, 09:44 AM
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Hi Kathy,

It's a sad reality that few stay clean on the first try. When they are using and don't want help, all we (the parents) can think is 'if only they would go to treatment'. and then they do, they leave and use again, and... we're back to square one only sadder. I also "support" my AD's efforts when she wants treatment, but I no longer stop my entire life to get her there, even when she says she wants to go. She has left all 7 rehabs she entered, long before the programs were done - and I felt like an idiot after a while. But one thing she knows is that I love her and only want recovery from the disease of addiction for her. She really knows this. she doesn't even get upset anymore when I tell her 'no' about something or other or set a boundary (actually, its me who gets upset and agonizes).

pray, and live your life, and if you are starting to get pulled under by the fear-demon, come here and share.
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Old 11-18-2008, 10:23 AM
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Thank you all for your replies and encouragement.

Winnie12, thank you for that link. I didn't even know that type of place existed. Nice to know my AS has another option when he chooses recovery.
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Old 11-18-2008, 10:47 AM
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Letting go of a teenaged using son after some time in recovery was very hard. But my sponsor kept asking me if I wanted to be part of the problem (take him back yet again - enable, enable, fix, fix ....) or part of the solution. That he had choices - and he made his. That my job was to go to my meetings and work a program and make some changes and take some get tough pills - so I didn't crumple when he did call. And he did, and I did.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

Last edited by Jody Hepler; 11-18-2008 at 10:47 AM. Reason: grammar
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Old 11-18-2008, 04:54 PM
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Hi Kathy,

You are doing the right things! Just wanted you to know you are not alone...
Is it just me, or does it seem that us moms are all going through this lately?! (Our gut feelings, our suspicions being confirmed, etc. ) It truly is exhausting.

Praying that your son, Kathy, (and all the loved ones here) come to their senses!
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Old 11-18-2008, 07:01 PM
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I am impressed with your decisions and your strength to see them through.
I know how gut wrenching it can be to practice detachment and tough love.
Your son had the typical reaction...to disappear. Often it is followed with anger
directed at us.
Denial + rationalization + procrastination are symptoms of his disease. My son would disappear and hold a grudge toward me whenever I followed through with
consequences. Sometimes he went long per. w/o contact. Part of the reason was
because my message stayed constant that being an alcoholic/drug addict was not okay.

Your son is young. My son is now 24. He too went to a short term rehab at 18 and another one at 20. He is now at a one yr. program where he has been for almost 9 mos.
It often takes a few treatments and some yrs. My son had to hit some consequences and learn that life as an addict wasn't working. He resisted going this time, but he did.

Until your son gets to this point, keep strong in your own al-anon program and satisfied that you are not enabling your son. It is tough as the parent of an addict.
Keep coming back here, there are lots of parents to share and offer support.
Try to have a fabulous life you deserve without letting the sadness overwhelm you.
It is possible, but takes support.
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Old 11-18-2008, 07:03 PM
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Sending my prayers too. Whether my daughter stays clean or not, I absolutely know that going to rehab and the halfway house has given her the tools. That the clean time she has will always be with her and that she can find her way. Give your son to his HP and trust in the bigger plan. Hugs, Marle
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