Limiya

I feel drained, and my emotions are all over the place at the moment.
But i wanted to thank you all for your kind advice, no matter how harsh. I appreciated every piece of it.

Well it's over with my ABF. Since thursday actually. It's just taken me this long to confirm it and feel ready to post about it.

He went out again on wednesday night, and called me the next day at 2pm high on cocaine and alchohol. I answered assuming he'd be sober or he hadn't gone 'that mad'. Usually i ignore him when he has been out.

He said to me he knows i'm not happy when he does 'what he does'. I said no, i don't mind you having a few drinks now n then, being sociable and playing in a band... it's the drugs i have a problem with. BUT you know that.

He said he knows i don't go out partying with him anymore because of the drugs. I told him that was correct, because i don't like watching him n his friends doing that to themselves. I said it repulses me.

He said i can't possibly be happy if he is doing this on a regular basis. I said i wasn't happy when he was using, but happy when he's not.
He asked me what percentage of happiness i was with him. out of 100.
I said about 70 - 60%. He said he thought about 60%.
He said to me why stay with him if i'm not completely happy?
And for once he made sense. I couldn't believe he was making sense, or at least sort of talking normally.
I said because i love him so i that's why i stayed. He then asked how i could love someone who i'm not happy with. I told him i never said i wasn't happy.

Then he said he has always been this way, and it's who he is and what he does. He said he hates doing it more than anything, but he has to because it's him.
I couldn't believe what i was hearing. Then he said that i wasn't gonna change him and i shouldn't wait in hope that he will.
Said he's not gonna do this forever but perhaps for the next 2 or 3 years.
Again, i was shocked. 2 or 3 years?????
I can't sit n be treated the way he does for the next few years.
I told him i agreed with him. He was right.
He said i've not done a thing wrong, i have always been there for him, and i'm perfect for him... so he has no reason to end the relationship. He said it was up to me now. He's told me what's what.

I got upset and couldn't face it, so i hung up.
After that i left it a couple of days. He didn't contact me (which is unusual) and when i tried to call him he refused to answer or text me back.
He's never been like this.
So tonight i text him i was confused and could he just tell me what's just happened.
I was missing him.

He called me tonight about 10pm and spoke to me like he was scolding a child. Telling me it wasn't going to work as i had told him i wasn't completely happy with him. He then told me how he can't have a girlfriend who doesn't 'party' with him and his friends. Even if she doesn't drink or do drugs, she should be there.
I couldn't believe what he was saying. He told me he'd made his mind up this just wasn't going to work and not to be. So he isn't ever going to contact me again as it's easier to move on that way.
I was DEVISTATED. Completely out of the blue for me.
Like an idiot i tried to reason with him cause i've been really missing him the past few days.
He wouldn't budge and that was that.

For ages i have cried, and cried. Feeling like it's the end of the world or my arm has been cut off. All my limbs in fact.
Then i had a long chat with my brother who managed to calm me down and help put things in perspective. Telling me he's done me a favour in the long run etc.

So now i feel like it was for the best. I know i can't change him, and he obviously doesn't want to change for anyone. His way of dealing with treating me the way he has is to cut me off.
Fine. I know his friends n family will repeatedly tell him he's blown a good thing.
And i think he knows it, but he's made his choice. The drugs win. Hands down.
And i'm no longer willing to fight anymore.

I've done my bit. I tried, i failed, i will just have to cut my losses.
I just have to be strong if he ever tries to contact me again and tell him he had his chance n blew it.

I'll feel terrible again tomorrow and cry my eyes out and miss him all over again, but for now i feel ok.

Thanks everyone, no doubt i'll be back here bawling my eyes out from time to time though.

~Limiya~

marle

It will take time to get over the break-up. It does for all of us whether or not drugs are involved. It just makes it harder to believe someone could pick a drug over another loving human being, but that is the power of addiction. Allow yourself to grieve but don't forget to take good care of yourself in the process. Hugs, Marle

Neverwanted

Hang in there Honey. You did good. Step one - read it over and over. Live it. You will make it through this painful time one minute at a time until you are moved on and meet someone wonderful and non addicted

Same thing here. he told me he could only date another addict because they understood and could help one another. Help do what - kill themselves? Him through poisoning his body and dying slowly and she with a bullet to the head.

An oncologist does not need to contract cancer to know how to help the person seek treatment. Just as we dont need to be addicted to know the steps to recovery for the ones we love that are losing to addiction,.

Limiya

It's never made sense really. He always told me how much he loved the fact i don't smoke or drink or take drugs and couldn't be with a woman seriously if she did.
But he wants his 'woman' to be around him whilst he is doing that with his friends and 'enjoy' herself.
I can't see any straight, non addict woman wanting to be around that.
I know i didn't want to.

Makes no sense.
Thanks for your replies so far.

Limiya

UPDATE:

So managed to get to sleep finally at about 3am this morning. At 6am my phone starts ringing. It was him. He was high, and he always used to call me or try to call me when he was high.
I answered, i wanted to know what he wanted. Stupid i know.

I could hear him slurring, and i suddenly felt strong knowing he just has no respect for himself anymore.
He asked if he woke me, i said yes. He apologised (he sounded quite down) and said he'd let me sleep and hung up.
I went back to trying to sleep again.

Suddenly he starts texting me tellin me that this is what he does, and he expects his woman to be able to speak to him any time he needs her. I laughed to myself in disbelief. Ignored it and continued trying to sleep.

A few more hurtful messages later, something clicked inside me. In my being!! I lost it. My anger just surfaced. How DARE he.
I responded to the texts along the lines of:
'How dare you contact me when you know i'm sleeping, then seem surprised i'm sleepy. You said everything yesterday, so why call me demanding i speak to you, then when i reply you have nothing to say. LEAVE me alone. You've done enough.'
He responded he wouldn't contact me again and he was sorry for calling and texting as he shouldn't have.

I managed to eventually drift back off to sleep for a few more hours. I woke up this morning feeling better for just putting my foot down. I didn't expect him to call. So that surprised me. But hopefuly he won't again.

I'm done. I hope he has realised now.
Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a bit stronger today.

~Limiya~

winnie12

Sounds like you are his link to reality. he relies on your sobriety to keep him feeling grounded - even though that is obviously an illusion. I would be pretty scared if someone said they needed a few years before they would quit. That's pretty much saying they never are going to quit.

In all your posts you've sounded like you knew what you needed to do for yourself so just keep doing that and have faith in your own decisions.

Limiya

Thanks Winnie. I never thought about my sobriety keeping him grounded. That's something to think about. Wow. Interesting.

I have just had it with being nice, and treating him how i'd like to be treated, i have better things to do, and myself to take care of now. I have to constantly keep reminding myself of the bad times. The good times were a lie to me now.
I hope he sits at home with his drink, cocaine and cigarettes and realises what a ***** he has been. What he's lost, and what he will lose in the future.
I hope he hits a bottom. But i won't wait around to find out.

~Limiya~

Eleison

It might be really helpful for you to ponder over what keeps you grounded.

marle

Sometimes detaching in anger is a good thing. Hugs, Marle

Limiya

I'm really struggling today. My emotions are all over the place. I woke up this morning missing him so much i was crying, then i realised my hand was already reached over as if i had been trying to find him next to me in my sleep.

It took me hours to do anything, and everything i did do took twice as long as i had no will or want to do anything. I was getting irritated with myself and hating myself for being this way when i felt strong yesterday.

I went and visited family and came home, so i felt a little calmer. Luckily my brother called me (my voice of reason) and gave me the strengh again to keep going and hanging on to my integrity.
He reminded me of the rollercoaster ride i'd been on recently before we broke up, and how i was thinking of ending things before due to the emotional stress.
How it hurts now but will get better and i didn't get the respect i deserved.

So now i'm calm again, and although my thoughts are still of my ex, i'm managing to not completely be consumed by grief.

Luckily i'm teachign some dance classes on friday to help a friend and i always usually enjoy that. It's something i've neglected in recent times since my XABF took so much of my time. I'm trying to think of myself more now.

Thanks guys.
~Limiya~

mooselips

Hiya sweetie,
Grieving the end of a relationship is normal, give yourself a good cry, baby yourself for a while, then try to keep busy, and move on.

You may not realize it now, but in a couple years, you will see the favor this guy has done for you.

Why be with someone who cannot be what you want? You deserve all the happiness in the world. You do.


Hugs........

winnie12

it may not seem like it but you sound like you're doing all the right things. Staying busy - relying on friends/family for strength. You really are a lot more advanced then most of us (or at least I was) at this stage. Keep trusting in what you know you should do. I'm proud of you!

Limiya

Thanks guys for your replies. You're all helping me and it feels nice that so many people keep reminding me i've done the right thing and i'm still doing the right thing.
I think he might be a bit surprised too because i've never stood up to him before and told him to leave me alone, or told him how angry i am. So i think it might have done the trick.

I went out tonight for a last minute dance class to cover for someone. I really enjoyed it, and just got home. It's 11pm and all i am thinking about is the fact he's doing a live gig at the moment and i am usually there without fail, dancing with his friends and my friends, and i can't even go anymore.
Knowing he is there enjoying himself and probably not even thinking about me.
It's painful.
How can an addict switch off so easily??
He'll probably get mashed up tonight too. He usually does after a gig, so he can now get high without feeling guilty. LOL. It's rediculous really how selfish people can be.

Sorry for my rant, i need to let off steam.
~Limiya~

hello-kitty

Hi Limiya, distancing yourself helps. I know it's painful but it's good to know that you deserve better. And you do deserve more in a relationship than what a drug addict gives you.


The sad thing about addiction is that addicts can't enjoy themselves unless they are "mashed up". It's not a happy life. He's a sick person. He's not thinking about you because he is consumed with thoughts of getting "mashed up". And, if he does think of you, it'll probably be to blame you for him getting "mashed up". (Well if he's the typical addict, that's probably what he is thinking.)

But you can't fix him. Just keep focusing on yourself and know in your heart that you really have done the right thing for both of you.

You will grow and continue to blossom as a human being. He won't. He's an addict doing what addicts do.

I force myself to follow the 24 hour rule with my ex (when he's not in jail). I do not respond to his calls or his text messages for 24 hours. Nothing he has to say is really that important that it requires immediate response. Usually it's just manipulation. 24 hours helps me take a clear look and plan the appropriate response - which usually isn't any response at all.

hello-kitty

Funny, my ex used to tell me this too. I wonder if it's in the addict handbook.

TTOSBT

Limiya,
I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your hurt.
But truly, he did you a huge favor, take it.
14 years ago I put myself into treatment for meth addiction. I got sober. I got out and wanted my bf to get sober too. He would not.
I lived in a sober environment but still went to see him/date him. I was cocktailing at the time, not the healthiest job for someone in recovery. Well I was offer a job in another city and was able to live with family while I worked my way up the corporate ladder. I was torn whether to do it. He asked me why. I told him because I did not want to leave him. He told me that he did not know why I would stay for him, he wasn't doing anything for me and did not plan on changing anything. Wow. This was a slap in the face. I had lived with this man for several years, he helped raise my son from a year old and he was not willing to give up the booze and drugs for us. So, somehow I was smart enough to go. Years later he contacted me and asked if he could cruise by on a trip to Magic Mountain. I said sure, and he did. Well it was wild because he had not changed AT ALL. My life was COMPLETELY different and he thought that we could just pick up where we left off. Nope.

Well, he never changed and never found anyone else. Five years ago he died in his sleep. He was 42 years old. He lived with his mother, had no job and drank himself to death I still can not believe that someone could turn down a great life with a loving family to die alone, basically. So sad.

I am so grateful to him for letting me go because I don't know how long it would have taken me to leave if he had lied to me and asked me to stay.

I wish you the very best.

Limiya

Thanks for that. I know what you said is true, makes it easier to look at things from an outside perspective.

Addict handbook eh? Wonder what would be in there.

'Always blame other people for your problems/moods'
'Pretend you don't have a problem and tell everyone else it's them who does'.
'Stay up all night and the following day or until there are no more drugs left or you're broke.
'Feel sorry for yourself for days afterwards until you do it again.'

I could add forever to this but i best not. lol.
His friend just told me he's going to the gig and will see if he's ok for me. I felt better knowing i can ask him from time to time if he's ok.
I shouldn't, i know. I should not speak to any of his friends or people who know him cause it just prolongs the agony. But i couldn't help it.

~Limiya~

Limiya

TTOSBT that was eye opening. I'm so glad you changed your life around for the better.
I know the feeling of just wanting to stay with someone cause you love them.
I adore my abf with all my heart, but i love my sanity more. I just find it really hard to sever the tie.
If he hadn't broken up with me i probably would still be on this emotional up n down ride which i was getting tired of.

I hope he doesn't have the same fate as your xabf. That must have been painful to find out.
I just am realising i can't hope for someone to change for me. No matter how sweet, kind, caring i am.
The drugs come first in his mind.

~Limiya~

TTOSBT

Yes, unfortunately, they do
Mine is a long story, lol. But yes, it would have taken me a while to cut it off too. But I am very blessed that I have a husband, 2 beautiful children, a wonderful house that we own, etc. Unfortunately I do not think I would have had anything but heartache if I had stayed with my x.

I hope it does not come to that for your xabf. What I learned is NEVER to fall in love with the potential! Assume that whatever traits a guy has, he will always have, can you live with that? I was able to say yes to those questions about my hubby and 10 years later, I am more in love than I was 10 years ago

Limiya

Yes i understand. I hope one day to have the wonderful things you have. But i doubt it's with my Ex.

I could write an incredibly LONG list of good things about my Ex. Things i adore.
But the bad list would probably be just as long.

Maybe i should write the bad list out to myself to keep when i get upset.
It's an idea.

~Limiya~