jerect

First off, I hate lies. I would so much rather cry over the truth then smile over a lie. Thats just how I'm wired.

Usualy when I confront my AH about a lie, and this is often because we all know addicts lie more often then they tell the truth, I end up arguing with my AH because he gets on the defensive and just spews more lies and well it's like this vicious circle that we go around in until I usually walk away because reasoning with him or even getting the truth is out of the question.

This morning I have caught him in yet another lie, this time it's not about drugs but still a lie is a lie. If he would just tell me the truth, I would not like it but I would not get mad about the situation he is lying to me about either.

Part of me wants to confront him because I just want him to admit the truth. However, I know that if I confront him that all I will get out of it is another lie, probably an argument and me feeling frustrated and hurt. I just refuse to feel that way anymore.

So this bigger part of me wants to just let it go. I know the truth and thats all that matters. By not confronting him I'm creating less conflict and more peace for myself. But there is still that lie that is hanging over us. I feel like he is getting away with something and that he will continue to lie to me again and again over this same situation.

Obviously a lot of my discomfort is about the lack of control that I have over the situation. Maybe thats why I feel so uneasy.

Any advice on how to detatch and just let it be?

marle

The only thing that helped me was to just let it go. It is both simple and complicated. The simple part is to just keep your mouth closed. The complicated part is finding the way to do that I know because I still find myself slipping with my daughter even though I know it will not do any good. When my daughter was at rehab and we had family day, the counselor that was leading the group told us that the foundation for recovery was honesty. Addicts can't be honest so there is the big problem. If you know that he will lie then why ask. It becomes a viscous cycle and the only person who can get you out of that cycle is you. Do you go to meetings? They really can help. Hugs, Marle

Impurrfect

(((Jerect)))

I understand. I can't stand when someone lies, no matter the reason. Sounds funny coming from an A, but even when I was deep in my addiction, people were amazed at how honest I was. I think it's just the way I was brought up, and I got OUT of the addiction lifestyle before it corrupted me totally.

That being said, I would argue with someone forever (it seemed) that lied. I finally just started keeping my mouth shut, but the conversation that WAS spoken and what I wanted to say would run around in my head like a gerbil on one of those circle things. When I get into this non-stop dialogue in my head, I just repeat "let go and let God" about a million times.

I also remember someone asking me "do you want to be right or be happy". I know if I stay in my head, I will be miserable. I'm still not happy about being lied to, far from it, but the truth always comes out anyway.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

jerect

Yes, and Thank God I do. Meetings have helped me so much in letting go of the control I want to have over other people and just work on controlling myself. Even though I have been going to meetings for almost a year, I still consider myself very early in recovery. I'm just now grasping the whole, "Let live and Let live" and "Let go and let God" concept.. but what a wonderful peace of mind those two slogans have given me.

winnie12

Sometimes i try to weigh how I will feel afterwards before confronting. If I know that the continual denial and increased lies will just make me feel worse then i dont address it. Rarely have I found that when confronted will my AS admit to the lies and usually it just causes him to create even more lies to cover up. Since that typically upsets me more there's no reason for me to confront.

However, sometimes i do let little things casually slip when we're talking ("gee that's funny they said they saw you there") or leave things lying around the house to let him know that he is caught in a lie. That way he knows that i'm wise to his lies without the confrontation. An example he may brag about how he's passing all of his classes even though he would be failing several. So i just print out his grades from the schools web site and leave them on the kitchen table. he'll never bring it up once he knows he's caught in the lie but it shows him i know the truth without the confrontation.

BayAreaPhoenix

I doubt there are many who like being lied to, for any reason. With our (active) A's, however, it is almost futile to get them to admit they lied.

I saw the quote earlier, is it more important to be right? Pick your battles. You know what you know - the lie isn't hanging over you, it's hanging over him.

For me, needing anyone and everyone in my life to be "telling the truth" was a control thing. I had been lied to so much thru-out my marriage, my world didn't make sense a lot of times and I needed people to mean what they said and say what they meant, and that didn't always happen, and it was frustrating to me. I focused so much on their words - I needed words that were true and made sense.

I still would rather have truth, but now I'm not so stuck on individual words... sometimes people "lie" because they truly remember wrong, and sometimes they "lie" because they don't worry if something is all the way correct so long as the overall message of what they're telling me is what they want it to be, etc. The truth is not in the details. But, if someone lies to me over and over again, well - that's fine. They are a liar. It's how they choose to live. I can listen to them, talk to them, etc. but I walk away and do not try to be close friends with them, and I don't need to argue with them until they tell me the truth. Why they're lying, it's up to them to figure it out, not me.


(((hugs)))

Alaia

Your not the only one. I used to fight with my ex-abf all the time. I had to learn to pick my battles and when to keep my mouth shut. It's a hard situation. I don't know if that helps you or not but I just thought I would share it.

Neverwanted

No Amy - its sounds wonderful because your recovery and experience from the A side teaches us all what is possible. TY

Blackrose56

On the flip side, sometimes we are lied to so much and we want SO much to believe, that we forget that addicts by and large, LIE. I would argue with my ex til I was blue in the face. And do you know sometimes he would have me convinced that maybe I was wrong. Even though, I know going in when he was lying. But there were times he had me believing I was the crazy one. Funnier yet. I know he lied. I know he lies when he's using. But after not talking to him for 2-1/2 years, when he DID call I believed everything he said. And he is even DEEPER into his addiction now. He is now using 24/7. And yet, I wanted to believe him. It wasn't until a good friend of mine who is a recovering addict told me..."Addicts lie. He's using. Why do you BELIEVE him?" Real eye-opener and yet right in front of my face.

Callie

sorry girl - I didn't even read the entire thread because I know what it feels like to be lied too. You are right, a lie is a lie. I don't care if it's about taking out the trash or taking an oxycontin. Jerect - you've been through so much. Quit giving him the power to control your life. Go back and re-read your recent threads. You're almost at if not at your bottom. That's a good thing, but quit putting so much hope in something that is just NOT hopeful. He does NOT want help right now. Do you? do you want to remain feeling like this??

sorry to be blunt, but I've been where you've been. I AM where you are at for a few hours a day. One minute he's what I knew/believed him to be, the next minute he's the drug addict that can never fulfill any of my wants or desires or beliefs or morals/values. Wanting to hope or believe in something. Wanting validation that YOU WERE NOT WRONG about the person that you love.

I know where you are, where you have been. I keep beating myself up because I do not know how I could have been so wrong about another person. A person that I choose to spend my life with, build a house with, raise kids with. I guess I'm just spewing right now, but you seem to be struggling alot lately. I do too, but I haven't posted much about it lately. Hugs to you - you're on your way. You'll find it.

sailorjohn

:ghug3