Family Hitting Bottom... what to do?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6
Family Hitting Bottom... what to do?
I wasn't sure where to start or what forum to include this in... because simply my brother uses drugs, alcohol, gambling on a regular basis to cope with life. If I were to pinpoint on vice that my brother uses I probably could't come up with it. I'm just looking for some help... direction in how to deal with a persistant and painful situation.
My brother is 36.... I am 38 and my sister is 35. We grew up in a family of five... and both my parents are still married... happily/unhappily. We grew up in a pretty average household. My parents didn't drink on a regulr basis. My parents weren't the most supportive people, but they did work hard and always left us with the sense that we were taken care of. Although I had my problems in school, bouts w/ partying, I graduated college w/ a bachelors degree and have worked successfully in computers. The last 10 years for me have been great, married, own a house, responsible citizen. My sister is in the middle... having graduated high school and holds a decent job. My brother is the complete opposite... to the point we have nothing in common except for our DNA.
My brother is our 'Black Sheep'... middle child, never graduated high school (has a GED)... started drinking at age 13... using drugs (pot mostly) after high school and never recovered since. He can't hold a job, (unless it requires little or no responsibility) and he effortlessly shirks his life and family responsibilities on a daily basis. For most of his life he has lived with my parents... when he was 25 he lived away for a year. My parents took him back to help him get on his feet. ... About 10 years ago he got married and moved in with his wife... that lasted three years and he had a son. Throughout the entire marriage he was in and out of work. His son is now 7 years old and they live together with my parents (grandparents). Again he is jobless.
My brother shows every subtle sign of being an addict... except you rarely catch him in the act. He's moody, pensive, at times zombie-like... other times happy as a clam. I firmly believe he really doesn't enjoy his life very much and he lives for his next 'fix' to cope. When working his paycheck is usually spent with 24 hours of being cashed. He'll disappear for days... from his family and his job. That when he usually gets fired. Uaually 3-6 months into the job. He was always wronged... he was always the best employee... it was always someone else's fault. The one thing he excels in is lying. He lies so much that he believes his own lies. He's most recent employer fired him for not showing up to work. The third time without calling in. He lied and told his friends and family that he was laid off due to the economy. Then unemployement denied his claim due to being fired. He filed an appeal still firmly believing he was laid off. He lost. Recently... prior to getting fired he was in a minor accident and was charged with a DWI. Now he is living with my parents and his son... unable to find a job (as a plumber), no drivers licensce... and no jobs withing walking distance. He is... in my opinion, unemployable.
I write this because my family has hit rock bottom. My parents are prisoners... they are in their late 60's, living on a fixed income with health issues. My brother breathes their air, eats their food, doesn't lift a finger to help them... unless threatened somehow. They feel that with their grandson living in the same house it's hard for them to do anything. My sister and I feel powerless. His ex-wife has washed her hands of him. We've all enabled him over the years... bailed him out of money situations... we've been repaid with angst, lies, disrespect, and apathy from him to fix his own problems. twice in the last two years my sister and I tried to organize a family intervention with professional. My parents were unable to cope with the idea that my brother has serious problems with addiction. They feel that all he needs is a good job to 'snap' out of this cycle of behavior. Even myself at times wonder if addiction is really his problem... maybe just coping is. He has't had any money to use and shows no recent signs of using. Instead he's just wallowing in depression. The only person who gazes up at him with pride and innocence is his son... they are inseperable... and we're afraid of the example he is learning from his father.
I really don't know what to do or where to start at this point. The holidays are coming up, and these are pretty unhappy times for my family. My brother's failures seem to be a big focal point. My family has hit complete bottom and my brother seems far from it. I personally believe the food and shelter my parents give him and my nephew are the only things between him developing a sober reality. I'm incapable of even talking with my brother over fear of causing him some severe bodily harm. We're all tired and emotionally frustrated. We've discussed kicking my brother out of the house but resist over the traumatic situation it creates for his son. Any advice where to start... or where to go from here.
My brother is 36.... I am 38 and my sister is 35. We grew up in a family of five... and both my parents are still married... happily/unhappily. We grew up in a pretty average household. My parents didn't drink on a regulr basis. My parents weren't the most supportive people, but they did work hard and always left us with the sense that we were taken care of. Although I had my problems in school, bouts w/ partying, I graduated college w/ a bachelors degree and have worked successfully in computers. The last 10 years for me have been great, married, own a house, responsible citizen. My sister is in the middle... having graduated high school and holds a decent job. My brother is the complete opposite... to the point we have nothing in common except for our DNA.
My brother is our 'Black Sheep'... middle child, never graduated high school (has a GED)... started drinking at age 13... using drugs (pot mostly) after high school and never recovered since. He can't hold a job, (unless it requires little or no responsibility) and he effortlessly shirks his life and family responsibilities on a daily basis. For most of his life he has lived with my parents... when he was 25 he lived away for a year. My parents took him back to help him get on his feet. ... About 10 years ago he got married and moved in with his wife... that lasted three years and he had a son. Throughout the entire marriage he was in and out of work. His son is now 7 years old and they live together with my parents (grandparents). Again he is jobless.
My brother shows every subtle sign of being an addict... except you rarely catch him in the act. He's moody, pensive, at times zombie-like... other times happy as a clam. I firmly believe he really doesn't enjoy his life very much and he lives for his next 'fix' to cope. When working his paycheck is usually spent with 24 hours of being cashed. He'll disappear for days... from his family and his job. That when he usually gets fired. Uaually 3-6 months into the job. He was always wronged... he was always the best employee... it was always someone else's fault. The one thing he excels in is lying. He lies so much that he believes his own lies. He's most recent employer fired him for not showing up to work. The third time without calling in. He lied and told his friends and family that he was laid off due to the economy. Then unemployement denied his claim due to being fired. He filed an appeal still firmly believing he was laid off. He lost. Recently... prior to getting fired he was in a minor accident and was charged with a DWI. Now he is living with my parents and his son... unable to find a job (as a plumber), no drivers licensce... and no jobs withing walking distance. He is... in my opinion, unemployable.
I write this because my family has hit rock bottom. My parents are prisoners... they are in their late 60's, living on a fixed income with health issues. My brother breathes their air, eats their food, doesn't lift a finger to help them... unless threatened somehow. They feel that with their grandson living in the same house it's hard for them to do anything. My sister and I feel powerless. His ex-wife has washed her hands of him. We've all enabled him over the years... bailed him out of money situations... we've been repaid with angst, lies, disrespect, and apathy from him to fix his own problems. twice in the last two years my sister and I tried to organize a family intervention with professional. My parents were unable to cope with the idea that my brother has serious problems with addiction. They feel that all he needs is a good job to 'snap' out of this cycle of behavior. Even myself at times wonder if addiction is really his problem... maybe just coping is. He has't had any money to use and shows no recent signs of using. Instead he's just wallowing in depression. The only person who gazes up at him with pride and innocence is his son... they are inseperable... and we're afraid of the example he is learning from his father.
I really don't know what to do or where to start at this point. The holidays are coming up, and these are pretty unhappy times for my family. My brother's failures seem to be a big focal point. My family has hit complete bottom and my brother seems far from it. I personally believe the food and shelter my parents give him and my nephew are the only things between him developing a sober reality. I'm incapable of even talking with my brother over fear of causing him some severe bodily harm. We're all tired and emotionally frustrated. We've discussed kicking my brother out of the house but resist over the traumatic situation it creates for his son. Any advice where to start... or where to go from here.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I wish I had a solution for you, and it sounds like your parents are his best enablers. When there are children involved, it's even more difficult to bring any awareness to the enablers in the situation.
My brother has been in recovery for many many years, but he's a workaholic like my dad and has been married to an addict for 19 years now. It's the most bizarre situation I've ever seen, and he's her perfect enabler. He never asks questions, she comes and goes as she pleases from the house without a word to him, he gives her his paycheck and as long as she pays the bills, she can have the rest for whatever she wants. She does pay the bills.
I found I have had to distance myself from the entire situation or it starts sucking me in.
I also have to realize that enablers will do what they do. My parents were my best enablers (I am a recovering addict/alcoholic). When I got clean and sober, they started to enable my oldest (an active addict/alcoholic), and when she finally burnt them enough over several years time, they now enable my youngest daughter.
I would feel like beating my head against the wall in frustration because they still refuse to acknowledge the difference between enabling and love.
I got to the point where I was making myself physically ill.
I had to let it go and turn it over to God.
I had to work on my own codependency issues and healing myself in spite of the rest of the family.
:ghug :ghug
My brother has been in recovery for many many years, but he's a workaholic like my dad and has been married to an addict for 19 years now. It's the most bizarre situation I've ever seen, and he's her perfect enabler. He never asks questions, she comes and goes as she pleases from the house without a word to him, he gives her his paycheck and as long as she pays the bills, she can have the rest for whatever she wants. She does pay the bills.
I found I have had to distance myself from the entire situation or it starts sucking me in.
I also have to realize that enablers will do what they do. My parents were my best enablers (I am a recovering addict/alcoholic). When I got clean and sober, they started to enable my oldest (an active addict/alcoholic), and when she finally burnt them enough over several years time, they now enable my youngest daughter.
I would feel like beating my head against the wall in frustration because they still refuse to acknowledge the difference between enabling and love.
I got to the point where I was making myself physically ill.
I had to let it go and turn it over to God.
I had to work on my own codependency issues and healing myself in spite of the rest of the family.
:ghug :ghug
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6
Thanks... I know I've been an enabler in the past... reluctantly. He's my younger brother. I've always tried to help him out when he's been down. He rarely asks for my help.. knowing of the disapproval that comes along with it. He usually has to be desperate to reach out to me. This summer when he was facing a warrant due to his DWI I had him come up and do some work at my house in exchange for paying the fine. Part of me felt guilty... even though I essentially paid him to install a washer dryer hookup, I enabled him not to face jail time. That night, after I paid the fine... he went out with friends and got drunk.
So I am just as guilty... as I said, I am so frustrated that I really at times feel like I could hurt him physically. For that reason I completely avoid contact with him. That in turn, makes my parents feel like I've abandoned them dealing with this issue.
So I am just as guilty... as I said, I am so frustrated that I really at times feel like I could hurt him physically. For that reason I completely avoid contact with him. That in turn, makes my parents feel like I've abandoned them dealing with this issue.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
goboy2112
My heart goes out to you - this is quite a situation - but not hopeless. The question is - is the family really at bottom?
Some suggestions I can make:
1. Find out if your county has provisions for rehab for people who are unemployed. In Minnesota we have Rule 25 and it provides rehab for folks after an assessment. Sometimes it in patient, sometimes out, and most paid for by the county welfare system.
2. If you can find an affordable place for rehab, step two might be intervention. Most interventionists are very expensive, but there is a book called Love First - there is a web site lovefirst.net Don't do an intervention unless you plan to go through with it, but the book from this web site gives information you'll need to do it on your own. The normal process is that If you have a place for him to get rehab, then he agrees to go or leaves the house.
3. Another option is to contact child protective services and let them know what is going on. They often have resources that either you or the child could access. My sister went after (and won) full custody of her two grandchildren and her heroine-addicted daughter is still using. Child protective services not only provided counseling for the kids (Ohio), but also for my sister and helped guide her through the custody battle.
4. Read everything you can about addictive thinking and codependency. Your brother will not get better until he wants to and that could be a long time. Both my sister and I (I was dealing with my meth-addicted niece living with me), realized we needed to stop enabling or we would go down with our addicts. They have still not embraced recovery, but our lives are more sane and the kids are way better off.
I can't promise you that your brother will recover, but if you stop enabling I can promise that your life and your parents life will improve.
Also - your parents would benefit from attending Al Anon Family group or Nar Anon Family group - for support and information about how to stop enabling.
And I guess the last thing I'll say is that if you think an addict is using, you're right. I have made the mistake of thinking my addict was not using when she actually was but I have never made the mistake of thinking she WAS using when she was not. I'd say trust your instincts.
God Bless - I hope this is helpful on some level and Best wishes for your Brother's recovery and your parents freedom - AND - the welfare of your nephew.
My heart goes out to you - this is quite a situation - but not hopeless. The question is - is the family really at bottom?
Some suggestions I can make:
1. Find out if your county has provisions for rehab for people who are unemployed. In Minnesota we have Rule 25 and it provides rehab for folks after an assessment. Sometimes it in patient, sometimes out, and most paid for by the county welfare system.
2. If you can find an affordable place for rehab, step two might be intervention. Most interventionists are very expensive, but there is a book called Love First - there is a web site lovefirst.net Don't do an intervention unless you plan to go through with it, but the book from this web site gives information you'll need to do it on your own. The normal process is that If you have a place for him to get rehab, then he agrees to go or leaves the house.
3. Another option is to contact child protective services and let them know what is going on. They often have resources that either you or the child could access. My sister went after (and won) full custody of her two grandchildren and her heroine-addicted daughter is still using. Child protective services not only provided counseling for the kids (Ohio), but also for my sister and helped guide her through the custody battle.
4. Read everything you can about addictive thinking and codependency. Your brother will not get better until he wants to and that could be a long time. Both my sister and I (I was dealing with my meth-addicted niece living with me), realized we needed to stop enabling or we would go down with our addicts. They have still not embraced recovery, but our lives are more sane and the kids are way better off.
I can't promise you that your brother will recover, but if you stop enabling I can promise that your life and your parents life will improve.
Also - your parents would benefit from attending Al Anon Family group or Nar Anon Family group - for support and information about how to stop enabling.
And I guess the last thing I'll say is that if you think an addict is using, you're right. I have made the mistake of thinking my addict was not using when she actually was but I have never made the mistake of thinking she WAS using when she was not. I'd say trust your instincts.
God Bless - I hope this is helpful on some level and Best wishes for your Brother's recovery and your parents freedom - AND - the welfare of your nephew.
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