Need a shoulder for this one!

Old 11-11-2008, 12:43 PM
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Need a shoulder for this one!

You haven't seen me around here for quite some time. I sneak in every once in a while to check up on everyone. I see many new faces. For those who don't know me I have a 27 yr. old daughter who was addicted to heroin for 6 yrs. She and I have been through so much I could write a book. I am not getting into all of that. For those who do know me, I need you once again in my life right now.

You see, my daughter has been doing well in the recovery end of her life. She has been clean for quite some time now, but not without problems.
She met a guy about 5 months ago. The relationship took off like a wildfire.
He did drink a little too much and she didn't like it so he joined AA and stopped drinking. He bought her a ring and they became engaged. Things were moving along great, then the bottom fell out. She is pregnant. She actually accepted it really well and she couldn't help but feeling happy about it. Now the difficult part.......he says, "abortion or we are done". He does not want a child in his life right now because it is not an ideal situation.

What makes it not ideal is the fact that she is on a maintnance dose of methadone and they are not married. His parents have a very strong influence on him and they say no way, no baby. If he does not grant their wishes they refuse to help him with any of it. You see, he still lives at home.
They also do not like my daughter because of the methadone. They look down upon her and think she is the worst thing that has happened to him and he is the best thing that has happened to her.

I agree that the situation is not ideal, but we do not live in the land of fluffy marshmallows. She does not want to have an abortion and she does not want to lose him. I see it this way......she is in a lose, lose situation. If she does what HE wants, the relationship will never be the same and no baby. If she does what SHE wants, she loses him, and raises a baby on her own.

Come on gang, put your heads together and give me some advice to pass on to her. She is really depressed and hasn't came out from under the covers all day. I am really worried about her.

Thanks for listening................Lois
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Old 11-11-2008, 01:03 PM
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Wow, what a difficult situation

I wish I had words of wisdom, but I dont
You and your daughter will be in my thoughts.........

You wrote what she wants what he wants and what his parents want................what do you want? Untimately this will be your daughters decision but what would you want for her?
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Old 11-11-2008, 01:07 PM
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Any man that would tell someone it's either me or my unborn baby, isn't worth a second look.

This situation hits close to home with me. So that's just my opinion but it's based on personal experience. He's not worth it. You can pass that advice on to her from somewhere who's been there, done that and got the scars to prove it.
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Old 11-11-2008, 01:17 PM
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Maybe this is a decision that she should share with a counselor. Sending prayers for the decision that she can live with. Hugs, Marle
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Old 11-11-2008, 01:17 PM
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What a difficult situation.....sorry she is faced with such a huge decision. Not sure I can offer any advice....just my support I guess.....I had my son in a less than ideal situation when I was 19.....won't go into details. I'll just say that if she wants it, and is willing and able to accept the responsibility, she should do what's right for her. Can't change what they want/do, but babies have a funny way of changing things sometimes. I'm not saying her having the baby will magically change what they want/do.....she cannot count on them.....but it is possible. My dad wanted me to have an abortion but he is now a loving and proud grandfather. is often times like this she should count on her recovery more than ever. I know how hiding under the covers feels - I do that myself too often -- so hoping she can use what she's learned in her recovery to help her through too lobo...
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Old 11-11-2008, 01:24 PM
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Don't mean to sound harsh but...he's a jerk. Anyone who would force a decision like that on her doesn't deserve the time of day. Of course she doesn't realize that right now, but someday she will. She doesn't have to get an abortion either. She could consider adoption. Many, many couples out there would love to have a baby but can't for whatever reason. It could be the answer to her problems and the answer to their prayers.
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Old 11-11-2008, 01:28 PM
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The whole situation does not sound fair, on many levels for many different reasons, to me. I have no advice or words of wisdom, or anything of the sort - Just lots of hugs coming your way.

What does come quickly to mind is CatsPJ's thread on control that she put up today.
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Old 11-11-2008, 01:30 PM
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My son's father said about the same. Actually, he did not talk to me for a week after I found out and his parents offered to pay for abortion counseling. I said I would do it alone. I have in some ways, and not in others.
He is 17 now, he saved my life (I was a meth user when I got pregnant) and he is the hugest joy to his bio Dad and his paternal grandparents. She has to make this decision for her and make the decision assuming he will not help at all.
She could table the decision on whether to keep it herself and for right now be open to putting the baby up for adoption??
Now, how does the methadone use affect the baby? Has she researched this or talked to a doc? The time for THAT is NOW!
Best of luck to her. Tell her to never forget that babies are a blessing, even if she decides to give that blessing to another family.
I will be praying for you both.
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Old 11-11-2008, 01:37 PM
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Yes she is in a lose/lose situation. Which loss will she later regret more, which loss can she live with forever are the questions.
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Old 11-11-2008, 01:37 PM
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I'm not making any judgment calls here, and I certainly have sympathy for all involved. Sometimes life gives us really hard choices and no easy way out.

Is adoption another alternative?
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Old 11-11-2008, 02:31 PM
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Many hugs and prayers going out to you and your daughter right now. The decision is hers and hers alone. But let me say this, the love that happens when a baby is born, is a lifetime love, as you very well know, it is a gift, sometimes even in the very worst of circumstances, it is an unconditional love. His love for her already has conditions, which love do you think will last? Which love will lift her heart up? Which love will make her smile?

I probably shouldn't voice my opinion really, it's not my burden to carry, but I'll say it anyway, I hope she carries a bundle of joy in her arms and leaves the reasons for it behind.

Either way, my hugs and prayers are for both of you, and that little baby.

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Old 11-11-2008, 02:47 PM
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Many hugs and prayers to you and your daughter.

When my stepsister got pregnant at 16, my dad offered to pay for an abortion because the baby-daddy was in jail, and it was bad timing all the way around. Tina (my stepsister) was too far in the pregnancy, and abortion was not an option.

Today, Brit is the joy of our lives. Unfortunately, Tina died in a car wreck when Brit was only 1, but I can't imagine our lives without Brit.

I think the bf is a jerk, as well as his parents, but that's just my opinion. I can understand if he wants no kids, right now, but she didn't get pregnant on her own.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 11-11-2008, 03:04 PM
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I was in a similar situation although the biological father's family had nothing to do with it. It opened my eyes to the fact that he was in lust, not love. Love to me does not make such threats and even though I was young and still trying to understand the world, I got that pretty quickly. Although at the time I had little more than a minimum wage job, I did have parents who loved me and were supportive. I have never regretted my decision and I would tell my own daughter the same. We had some tough times financially for a few years, but we had some of the best times of my life too. Love isn't measured by a bank statement.

The decision is all her's and I too believe that it comes down to what her heart and head feel is best for her. Personally, I think none of the 3 options should be considered based on him, but I know I am judging him and his parents...I wish I was a good enough person not to do that, but I'm still a work in progress. I'm sorry you are hurting is very hard not to be when our kids hurt. Hugs and prayers for both of you.
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Old 11-11-2008, 03:24 PM
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What a tough spot. I'm so sorry that your daughter, and you, and going through this.

One thing that stuck out for me, though is: you said that her boyfriends' parents don't like her. Should she terminate her pregnancy, or give the baby up for adoption, and she marries this guy ~ what will the family dynamics look like in a few years?

Personally, I think he is incredibly selfish to even suggest such an ultimatum.

Prayers for all of you.
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Old 11-11-2008, 03:49 PM
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I knew I could count on you for support. Yes, adoption is a consideration. I don't know if she could do it though. He told her that he would stick by her if she considered adoption. BIG FREAKIN DEAL, huh? What a jerk! I couldn't do it.....I'm not made of steel.

Marle......she does have an appointment with her counselor tomorrow. I am going with her and they are going to educate us on the affects of having a baby while being on methadone.

I called his mom today. She is a teacher and she wasn't home, but she did return my call.
We had a very lengthy conversation. Basically she is telling me that her son is immature and not ready for this. I get the feeling she babies him a lot.
I told her it is time for him to grow up and be a man and take responsibility for his actions. I asked her if Jen raises this baby alone, will her and her husband want to see it. She said, "I don't know, we'll have to wait and see".
I told her I was shocked by that statement and that was unbelievable to me.
I told her if I was in her shoes, I would walk through fire to see my grandchild.
People never cease to amaze me. Just one hurt after another.

Pac......I told my daughter that if she marries him, she marries the whole family. God bless her.

Frankly...I value your opinion. I know it hasn't been too long since you were faced with a similar situation. That baby has been a real joy to you and Vicky. I know it won't be easy, but I will stand behind her all of the way.

Thank you friends, for your prayers and support...........Lois
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Old 11-11-2008, 03:49 PM
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If every baby conceived under less than ideal conditions was aborted there wouldn't be many people left in the world. But that's only my opinion.
How did his parents act when he gave her a ring? If they were able to accept her as their daughter in law, did they think that there would never be children?
Could the reason he drank too much be his parents? If he is over 21 and has a job why is he still living at home and why do his parents have so much to say about his life? And what would her life be like with in laws that don't like or accept her just as she is?
I don't envy you or her this problem. Prayers that things work out for the best for everyone.
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Old 11-11-2008, 03:57 PM
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I also wanted to add that the stories of the pregnancies that were a surprise really warmed my heart. It seems there are no regrets for going through with it no matter how tough it is. Babies do have a way of healing wounds.

Part of me thinks that while she is isolating herself, it is helping her to heal and be able to make some descisions. I hope so. It is hard to watch her fall out of life over this. She did say that she will never turn to drugs over any guy, it would never be worth it.
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Old 11-11-2008, 04:10 PM
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Lobo, There may be other reasons why they want to reject the baby. I know when my daughter thought she was pregnant a couple of years ago, I just could not fathom wanting to have a relationship with that baby. I was so emotionally tired from all the crap that my daughter had put me through and thinking about getting attached to a baby that I might not have much to do with was just too much. So maybe it is more about fear with them instead of not wanting the baby. If their son has had problems with drinking and maturity maybe they are afraid to become attached. Just a thought. Hugs, Marle
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Old 11-11-2008, 05:18 PM
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Sending my prayers for all of them and for you also.

Some decisions in life are hard and this is one of them. Whatever she decides with the baby, I hope she dumps this jerk and his family too. Thoughtless, insensitive turds, that's what they are.

There, I said it out loud and I feel much better.

Hugs to you for being such a caring mom.
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Old 11-11-2008, 05:38 PM
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Boy Pansy are you ever right. I think more babies are born into situations that are not always ideal. Some of us get it right and wait for the perfect time, but I think most often not.

They were not happy about the ring. In fact his mom told me today that she doesn't think it is love, it must be infatuation. She doesn't think you can fall in love after 5 months. I told her we are not talking about 15 yr.
olds....these people are in their late twenties.

They are very involved in his life and yes he is over 21. He is 25 and mommy and daddy still pretty much tell him how to run his life. My poor daughter for getting involved. She will never measure up to his family.
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