Geminista08

...is using drugs.

In the "Relationships and Parenting" forum, I posted my belief that my ex-boyfriend, and father of my child, was on drugs. I received a few responses - many of which pretty much told me to focus my time and attention on myself, and figure out why I've put up with such a situation for so long. It's hard letting go of something that I've come to love and hold dear to my heart. Especially now that we've made the choice to start a family together.

As for the update, I'm not quite sure why, but he talked to me last night. And when I say "talked", I mean opened up about more than usual. What I didn't say in my other post, was this...

Because of his "street business", unsurprisingly he's created a number of legal issues with himself. The most recent and past time, he was released on the probational agreement that 1)he would obtain employment or present valid proof that he's been looking for a job 2) stay out of legal trouble 3) complete 90 days of an 'Outpatient Treatment Program'. I've done my research on this, and yes, you can be admitted into such a program for smoking marijuana. My only issue is, he was never caught with marijuana, so...

Yesterday he was sick, claiming that his stomach was really bothering him. Because he was feeling vulnerable and sickly, I suppose it gave him the opportunity to be still and talk. He told me that he had to find a new program. Before going into details he told me that he wanted and needed to stop smoking. The conversation went on, and he told me that when he went, he was tested. What for, I'm not too sure. If someone needs and wants help, its given to them - I didn't know individuals were tested for their drug of choice first. :wtf2 Anyway, in addition to weed, he told me that the test came back positive for coke. He immediately went on to say that it got into his system by holding it, and then made a point to say that he hadn't even really 'put anything together' as of late. I sat on the phone a bit bewildered. Is this even possible?

I honestly feel as though I'm unraveling here. There are so many other things to think about, but this is a hard pill to swallow. I'm so frightened of what I may or may not have to one day tell my son.

Freedom1990

First of all, what you may have to tell your son later can be put on the back burner. We can create all sorts of anxiety and stress by getting out of the moment.

As for it getting into his system by 'holding it', as a recovering addict myself, my BS meter is peaking out on that one.

Just my two cents.

Stubborn1

I agree with Freedom. How old is your son?

Your boyfriend can not fail a drug test from holding cocaine. He digested it. Don't fall for his bs. Do not even entertain him by listening. You'll be doing yourself the favor. Sometimes addicts who are on cocaine go to methodone clinics to get "more drugs".......methodone. I don't want this to go into a debate but they just switch one drug for another. Be careful.

Take care of you and your son and let your boyfriend clean up his side of the street on his own. You and your son are worth more then the bs and lies he's giving you.

justanothrdrunk

I'm not a chemist or biologist, so I can't say for 100% certainty if this is possible or not. But this sounds like total BS to me.

I read his claim as an attempt to lie and manipulate.

Geminista08

My son is 9 months old. With every passing day, he's getting smarter, and more beautiful, and more aware of his surroundings. It just scares me that this is really something I will be going at alone for a good part of our lives. He deserves more than that.

And yes, I called the BS card (in my mind), but I've made the conscious decision to no longer be a stressor in this man's life - for him, but mostly for myself and son. I can clearly see he's going through something, and should not take the things he does personally. This makes it much easier to not get so angry. Still, I do love him and I am scared for him.

I was thinking to myself when he told me, "in order for his urine to come back positive for cocaine, and he only 'touched' it - he would've had to have swam through a pool of it! Or at least kept it in his hands or stood around it for much longer than a few seconds...or minutes."

Oh, and perhaps this is still the love in me talking - but I'm not quite sure whether or not to take this as BS or a cry for help. Yes, he may be lying about how or why he tested positive for it, but why tell me anything at all? Only once have I run off and pondered "drugs" in a long list of issues that could be wrong with him during an argument of ours. Never have I accused him of this to his face.

sknyfats

It may be both a cry for help AND BS.

One of the core things to keep in mind is that, when people regularly abuse drugs or alcohol - they're doing so because they want to tune out, numb up or change the way they feel because of some sort of pain or problem in their life. If we only had a magic key or something that would help people just "open up" - and have a desire to talk & learn more about "life" - and healthy ways of dealing with problems.

I think he probably had a little guilt - and was fishing for some sympathy from you when he shared that with you. He may or may not have even realized he was doing so.

My AGF shares lots of little things with me about how she didn't do this drug or that drug today or in X number of days; just out of the blue. I am at a point where I'm questioning whether this is BS to cover up guilt she may have around me, or if she just want me to THINK she's making changes in her life - or - if it's legit - and she's struggling, making baby steps, and looking for me to give her some acknowledgement & support when she DOES make a healthy choice.

I'm trying my best to be supportive, and hands off when it comes to the drug use, and just enjoying "her" when "she" is with me - and trying to let her deal with her drug problem, on her own, as much as possible. I'm trying to maintain a relationship with her - and still maintain boundaries to what I know is healthy or acceptable in my life. It 'sho aint easy!

Freedom1990

I raised two daughters for the most part by myself in recovery.

It is possible, and I will say that just taking it a day at a time helped me tremendously over the years.

My 'baby' is now 20 years old, and I did a pretty darned good job of it, and her father wasn't there for her.

wooforever

Yes you can test positive for coke by holding it or touching some. It can be absorbed thru the skin. But the big question is do you trust him. If you do not trust him then you need to cut him out of your life now.

There are very many women and men that are going thru what you are going thru right now. I raised two kids on my own, it was not easy and I am a recovering addict. I did not have the support of my exhusbands or the support of my family.

You have to decided what is best for you and your son. Why are worried about what is going to happen in the future, your son is only 9 months old. When the time is right you will have to explain why is father is not in the picture. But who knows his father can get clean and be there for you and your son.

You need to slow down and take a step back and figure out what do you want for you and your son.

Geminista08

sknyfats, that's exactly what my cousin said - that and she thinks he is almost preparing me for something that may be coming in the near future (i.e. revocation of his probation, due to testing positive for drugs during his probationary period). I'm thinking it is guilt. I'm thinking that it is sorrow. I'm thinking that it is despair.

I'm being told, from every direction, that I can't fix, or change, or help him anymore than he will allow me to. But I still can't deny my love for him. Before my mind started thinking drugs, I very well did see a whole lot of depression. For example, in addition to other things, I was flabbergasted by the thought that this is a guy who literally could not relish the idea that our country will soon see its first African American President, despite the fact that he is a young African American male himself and clearly struggling to get ahead. This may seem somewhat bogus, or out of nowhere, but I saw this as yet another serious indication of his carelessness.

Yes, clearly, people have their difference in opinions when it comes to the former presidential candidates - but I'm talking more along the lines of my ex simply not caring about the situation at all; almost like such important issues don't concern him, because he's already done for it. I found it quite sad.

I really need to pray and let this go. I know there's nothing I can do. But its very hard...I'm not sure why. Especially in the last year, this guy has brought me nothing more than repetitive disappointment and pain.

wooforever

My question to you is was he smoking pot when you decided to have a baby with man.

Geminista08

Yes he was. And perhaps this is my ignorance talking, but where's the harm in that?

Almost every single person I know smokes marijuana, or "blunts", with the exception of myself. I let that go years ago, when I was in highschool. I often never enjoyed it.

hello-kitty

Was he running a "street business"? Is that acceptable too?

Geminista08

No. Under no circumstances is that acceptable. Absolutely none. I kick myself in the behind for that all of the time. But that's where he and I have our issues; what an even longer story.

wooforever

I am not saying it is wrong to smoke pot. But you act like it was a big surprise that he did coke. Well what kind of street business was he running. I do not know many street business people not to be into drugs. That comes first hand.

If he tested for drugs in a court order drug test that is called VOP and he could go to jail for that Vailation. It does not matter if he was caught with weed or not. If he is on probation he could be looking at a doing the original charge.

My xah was tested to see what drugs he really was on before he was admitted to the rehab. See addicts tend to lie or say they are not using that type of drug. So the rehab places do not take any bull from the addicts seeking help.

My ex is now doing a prison term for having contact with police while on probation. His probation officer said that he need to do a prison term he got 16 months for that. At least he got it reduced from 5 years to the 16 months.

Remember if he is leaving with you that they can come into your house without a warrant and search your house. If they see fit they could take your child away and hand that baby over to social services. So it is your choice but what did your baby do to deserve that.

SHAMAN

"Where there is confusion, there are lies."

-M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled

This has become the point for me in MY recovery as trying to understand 'addict games', half-truths, lies by omission, and outright lies only leads to more questions than answers. The BIG PICTURE, for me, is that all these things are deceptive... DISHONESTY was injected into my life and became a theme of my relationships with active addicts. (I've got at least 3 that are/were close to me.) So whether or not I can find 'the answer', thus rendering me peace/serenity amidst the chaotic details, the BIG PICTURE is DISHONESTY... and I so want any relationships I have to be based upon the big picture of honesty. If I'm having to ask for honesty or sense I'm not getting it, I need to examine the relationship.

I have vacationed on the Isle of Insanity so understand where you are. I kept thinking, and still have my moments, that a raft of 'truth' will return me home. Reality for me is, I better build my own raft with what the Island has to offer and set sail on my own boat of 'truth'.

My ex-AGF, who finally brought me to my own recovery, has never admitted a problem, but the Red Flags and confusion point to one thing... DISHONESTY, regardless of root cause. I can't count on someone being honest about themselves to get honest with myself.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

hello-kitty

Gemini, my ex ran a "street business" too. It supported his habit (and mine for a while). When I got pregnant and quit using, I decided that I didn't want to be around someone who thought "street business" was an acceptable way to live. It was hard for me to give myself permission to change my mind. I had a hard time setting boundaries about what kind of behavior would be acceptable around me and my son. But eventually, I learned that setting boundaries is necessary if you are going to be a good parent.

I gave my ex a choice, quit using or get out. He chose to get out. Actually he chose to lie and tell me he quit using, but eventually the truth caught up to him. And I changed the locks.

He's now in prison because of his "street business". But thank god he wasn't around me when it happened. And thank God I drew a boundary about the kind of behavior that would be acceptable in my life.

It really doesn't matter if your boyfriend is crying for help or giving you a line of BS. The best way to support him is to take care of yourself and your child, and not accept drug use as an excuse for bad behavior.

Addiction is a tricky beast. Quitting takes a lot of work and commitment. It's something we addicts have to face and conquer on our own. No one can help us really. We got ourselves into it. We have to get ourselves out of it. The more people try to help us. The more it holds us back from our recovery.

As mothers, our most important priority should be to take care of our children. Sometimes that means making hard choices. Sometimes it means leaving their drug addict fathers behind in order to provide a more stable, healthy environment for them. The right choices aren't necessarily the easiest choices. Put your child first and model the behavior you want them to see. Everything will be ok.

Freedom1990

I don't hang out with anyone who smokes marijuana, but that's just me.

I don't find I need to chemically enhance my state of mind, and prefer not to be around those who do.

Geminista08

wooforever, yeah I understand what you're saying. But honestly, it was a big shock to me. I mean, how many stones of DISHONESTY must I overturn dealing with this guy? It hurts. He's admitted to me that he's done "wet" before, and taken ecstacy, but neither are things he does on a consistant basis nor has he done them at all recently. He's been very adamant about staying clear of putting anything up his nose or smoking anything other than cigarettes and marijuana. Some of his "customers" he does treat friendly, but most of them he speaks to horribly.

Not to mention, aside from his mood swings - one minute being goofy, loud, and almost obnoxious, while the next being quiet, practically ashamed to smile, negative, and occasionally downright mean - he doesn't physically show signs of being on drugs. I've never seen him with a sneeze or cold, runny nose, track marks, scratching, or a twitch. His appearance, with the exception of him never really wanting to get dressed, is in total contradiction of his actions.

hello-kitty, you're so right. You really, truly are. I still am thinking about 'us' being my ex, son, and I, rather than 'us' being simply my son and I. I don't know why its so hard for me to accept that this man can and only will change at his own discretion; nothing I say or do will change that. For closure, I keep trying to seek the reason WHY. I think it's because I've sacrificed so much behind him. It's almost as if I need it to move on.

SHAMAN, your post was very powerful and true.

MsPINKAcres

Sweetie -

Just a few things that I will share with you that has helped me:

1. I can be the center of my world.
2. If I take the best care of me - then I will be the best woman, mother, friend, co-worker
3. My HP will give me the wisdom, courage and peace i need, if I allow it.

Also, I know that so many think that "pot" is not a big thing - but my thoughts on that is - in the majority of the USA it is illegal, just as drinking & driving, just as stealing, just as selling controlled substances.

For me, it is NOT ok to expose myself or my family to someone who partakes in illegal activities - it's just not safe.

Just my e, s, & h - you have the ability to set your own boundaries as to what is acceptance for you & your son.

Wishing you Serenity, Joy & Love,
Rita

hello-kitty

This is my situation to a tee. I have chosen NOT to let my baby boy (who is three now) have a front row seat to his fathers addiction and lifestyle.