I had to go no contact to detach?
 

I dont talk to my ALO because this whole thing broke my heart, and i cant talk to him without alterior motives. I still want him to be in love with me, and feel what i feel. i still have some sick sense of hope, and lastly, it hurts that he just wants to be friends and i dont want that. or to deal with any crazy emotional rollercoasters. so i just dont talk to him at all.

I changed my phone, i emailed him a happy birthday message that was essentially one line, didnt respond to his response, and i leave when i see him out (which is somewhat frequently since we live in th same neighborhood. i responded to his request to do lunch with a polite "i wish i could but im just not there yet"- and didnt respond to his 2 responses. Even though i wanted to. even though i still want to.

it hurts, because he wanted to be friends, and ifeel like i am hurting him. the sad part is that i feel secure assuming that he still misses me a little bit, and eventually especially with his "anesthetic" help- he eventually will give up or stop having feelings for me, or miss me whereas i have NEVER gotten over him in the years weve been apart, and dont see it happening anytime soon.

i am interested in learning more about why he wants to be friends, why I want to be friends- and the power struggle of cocaine (or other drug) users in relationships.

but the truth is I know why i want to be friends. I feel like if we cut the communication lines off, it will be harder in the future to get back together and the INSANE part of me hopes that may happen one day.

Thanks for letting me share and listening.

From what I've read of your posts your relationship sounds very toxic with this person. Alot of childish game playing. You can not depend on an addict to make rational decisions (friendship) and what's right and wrong. If you are sober then you should know better.
You are giving him mixed signals by sending him cards.
Keep talking to your sponsor.

I don't think that's the where the insanity comes in, it comes in thinking that anything we do will change their path.

thats what my ex always said, well i figured it out..he wants a back up gf so if his life gets really crappy he thinks he will always have me to fall back on, like for money or a place to stay...etc.. he wouldnt call me usually unless he needed something from me.. what he is doing is pretty normal for an addict,, they cant afford to lose the few people who beleived in thier lies,,im sure he does care for you in his own sick way but its not on the way we know it should be..

Hey, thanks for the reminder.

I do want to clarify- no cards!!!!! A one line message on his birthday, he doesnt have a phone for me to text anonymously since i did change my number (so i wouldnt call him).

It just said- hope you have a great birthday!

When he messaged me to do lunch, i also sent a short one line response.

Perhaps i do want to keep the communication lines open- as i mentioned in my post- because it scares me to lose him completely and maybe one day i will be able to give him support and encouragement platonically.
but i also think that i shared 9 years of friendship with this person and out of respect, i don't want to ignore him completely.

As sad as it is you are his Plan B. Right now drugs are Plan A. Drug addicts always want someone in the wings so that they have someone to use. Read in the Stickies, "What Drug Addicts Do". That is reality. No contact means no contact and that includes the one-liners. Hugs, Marle