Limiya

The title may sound a little confusing.
I don't post on here very often but i do read peoples posts on here every single day if i can.

I said before my ABF has an alcohol/coke problem. Is in the music business so seems to be surrounded by it.
Well lately i've noticed the past few weeks he's been trying his best to cut down. Even though i don't believe it's possible for anyone to 'cut down'.
He hasn't told me as such that it's what he was trying to do, but he couldn't afford to go out using and drinking, so he'd stay at home. And to stop him getting bored (which happens easily with him) i take him to the cinema and to visit family and rent movies etc.
He seems absolutely fine when he can't afford to do it, and stays at home and doesn't touch a drop of alchohol or coke.

His roommate came home late one night (another musician) and was very very drunk. I made a comment about how bad he looked to my abf. He smiled and me and nodded and said rather pleased with himself 'Exactly. That's why i don't go out and party every night like he does'.
As if that made it OK to binge every 4 or 5 days?? i don't think so.
It seems almost like he is trying to justify his behaviour by comparing it to guys who use more than he does. So it doesn't seem so bad.

I've noticed when he does go out and use (usually when there's a group out together) he will continue even after everyone has gone home to bed. He will go home to his room and keep drinking and snorting coke until there's none left or he's out of money. Calling people on his phone to ramble at them.
This lasts through the night and the following day and eventually he sleeps. But he's gettin more angry at himself when he does this and i'm hoping it might start making him realise this stuff doesn't help him in any shape or form.

One minute he's on about not wanting to be involved anymore and he's had enough, the next minute he is back out with his friends and saying it's not so bad cause it's not everynight.

I do my best to encourage him when he's tellin me he doesn't like it anymore etc. And i ignore him when he does the opposite. I will always stick to my principles and refuse to see him when i know he's going out. Or with friends. I have better things to do.
He's looking for work now to help him with his rent. But won't work more than 3 days per week.

I've noticed he isn't as bad as he used to be (he used to use a lot more than he does now) but he is still no where near to being in a 'normal' life.

Not sure how to help someone who changes their mind so often.
Sorry for the vent but it helps sometimes.
I'm lookin after myself and not stressing so much. I let him get on with it. I find this helps me with my worrying about him so much.

~Limiya~

Freedom1990

For me, I had to stop choosing unhealthy men for my life, and start taking a serious look at me and why I chose those kinds of men.

I have enough in my life to deal with, so why add to that with a relationship with an active A?

Just something to think about.

ANGELINA243

Any "using" addict will find a reason to justify using....whatever makes them feel less bad about continuing their destructive behavior. I don't think it matters as to "how much" or "how often" one uses rather as to what happens to an addict ( and those closest to them) when they do use.

winnie12

Sounds like a case of denial to me. I like how you pointed out how his friend looked instead of saying how he looks when he uses. Good way to get your view across without being accusing. I hope he realizes it soon - music business is a tough place to stay clean in. Unfortunately sometimes it takes something bad happening to them before they see the truth about their own use. At times I wished i had a movie camera so I could show my AS how he acted when he was using - the funny thing is he told me recently he was so paranoid at times that he thought i had hidden cameras in the house and he would look for them. Amazing how close our thoughts were on that one.

Limiya

I've stopped nagging him about his problems, as he snaps at me in defense. So i say nothing. But pointing out the way his friend looked is a different way for me to show him i don't like what it does to people.
He is the only man i've become involved with who has any problems. I've always had much more simpler relationships with no addictions. I also don't like to give up. Which is probably why i've stayed so long, hoping one of these days he might wake up.

The other thing about wanting to film their behaviour is interesting to me.
He and his band are having a film/documentary made about them and their life and how they manage, etc.
I've seen some of the footage, and although some of it seems really good, there are clips where it shows them all high and talking nonsense. There is one clip where my Abf is asked a question by the interviewer. He starts giving his reply in such a long winded rambling way he has to stop and ask what the question was again. I felt ashamed seeing that. And embarassed for him.
The worse thing was everyone else thought it was hillarious and so did he. Laughing and saying how mashed up he was. They thought it was funny.

I also worry sometimes that if he does get a good job and starts earning more money he will just blow it more on drugs and go back to using on a more regular basis.
Yet i hate seeing him with no money. Vicious circle i guess???

Is it wrong to HOPE someone hits their bottom? I'm hoping he will or i will. Cause it can't continue the way it is.

~Limiya~
p.s thanks for the responses so far.

winnie12

Not wrong at all to hope for the bottom. Bottom is different for everyone and we have to hit it before we can start back up. I think all of us here hopes that either our addict hits or has hit their bottom.

Chino

My hope and prayer is that their bottom is something hard enough to make a lifelong impression, yet gentle enough they can rebound from it and become responsible, productive people.

NeedingHelp7

Limiya, Welcome to SR! Glad you found us, cause we need you too!

I'll first tell you a little bit of how I hit bottom.....
I hit bottom when I realized AH wasn't going to change, no matter how much I wanted to "keep this family together." He wanted the "high," more than us. He wanted other women more than us. I hit bottom when I realized it wasn't about loving "him" any more. It was about us now, and how to keep this family safe from AH's destructive ways. Loving him wouldn't change a thing. AH being a crack binger, and a pill binger, $1000.00 could be gone in 2 days on one of his crack disappearances. Then I had to worry how he was going to pay off 8 credit cards he got behind my back. Then I had to worry about an STD that he got from another woman he called a prostitute. In the end I became scared of him, and that was my bottom, especially when his eyes were bulging out of his head and he was delusional (thats what drugs do to the brain). He was someone that was no longer safe to be with emotionally, marriagely, financially, or in any other way. And forget telling him how I feel, that only made me feel worse.

Boundaries were the first thing I learned, many boundaries. Then I had to come up with a "how to detach?" from him plan. Little steps at a time. It wasn't easy, but is getting easier by the day.

Praying for your abf, that he finds life, and sobriety one day. In the meantime you will have to find the right decision for you. What is safe for
you? Do you want to pay his way through everything? He should be taking you on a date to the movies, like a real gentleman would. Not you taking him, all because his money went on drugs the night before. Do you want to travel down addiction road with him? Addiction road only leads to 3 places, jails, institutions, and death.....and much heartbreak.
We were always taught in school to stay away from drugs, and people on drugs...now I know why.

I think you are to the point of sorting, seperating the truth from the lies of your abf, and your are realizing they are mostly lies, denial, excuses etc. Your thinking through things as best you can right now. There are many great people here, willing to help you help yourself, and a trustable, loving HP who loves and cares for you more than you can imagine. (((Huggs))).

Blessings,
NH7

CrushedbyCrack

You can't help him. He is not indecisive. Right now, his decision is not to be clean and sober for the rest of his life. That means he is an active addict. He has to help himself and reach the decision for himself when he is ready to get help, if that ever even comes.

Remember the 3 C's:
You didn't cause it,
You can't control it,
You can't cure it

My two cents.

hello-kitty

Choosing NOT to make a decision IS the decision.

Limiya

Thanks guys. You're all helping me here.
The hard part i guess is the good times at the moment are outweighing the bad times. I guess because he's not as bad as he was several months ago i'm sticking around.

I read so many stories on here and there are many worse than mine. And i know my situation can turn worse than some of the things i've read here.
I guess it's cause he's not lying to me, stealing from me or 'dissappearing' for days. I guess if he was i'd be a lot more ready to give up.

I think he thinks he can control it as long as it is not every day. But he's kidding himself. He's out again tonight with friends. My guess is he'll be out all night and broke again tomorrow. I feel it's a complete lack of self control.

A couple of weeks ago he had a gig to play. He turned to me and said he didn't want to go out drinking that night with everyone. I told him he didn't have to. He said he did because everyone will be partying at his apartment with his flatmates. I told him he didn't have to. He said he didn't want to but he probably would end up doing it anyway.
See what i mean???

Feels like a brick wall sometimes.
~Limiya~

hello-kitty

Who's kidding who? If these are the "good times", what does "bad" look like?

Accept him for who he is. And that this may be as good as it gets with him. Is that enough for you?

How about this?

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. This is it for him. What about you? What do you want out of life?

hello-kitty

Addiction, by its very nature is a progressive disease. It's only an illusion of control. Things get worse, then they get a little better, then they get WAY WORSE, until all you're left with is a deviated semptum, no job, no life, no home, no car. But you don't care because cocaine has taken over your brain and it is all that you live for. Until a coke addict quits using cocaine forever, it continues to get worse. Like an alcoholic can't regulate his alcohol. A cocaine addict can't regulate his coke use. It's the nature of the drug. You just want more.


I'm a recovering coke addict by the way, with a nonrecovering exbf so I'm speaking from first hand experience. It's nasty stuff.

Limiya

Wow guys, sorry, i didn't think of it that way. I've never come across drugs in my life and it's all information for me. That's why i'm here.
Your insight is valuable to me.
Thanks again!!!!!!!!

Limiya
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