How far have you gone to avoid pain?
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
How far have you gone to avoid pain?
We've all heard the words, why do I stay, why do I put up with _____, I know this isn't good for me but....
Be it mental or emotional abuse, physical abuse, abandonment, betrayal and even sometimes pure hatred. Why would a smart person continue to allow a situation to continue and get worse, for days, months and eventually years?
Do we justify our tolorence of a dangerous situation because we love the other person, because they are sick? Maybe because we have diluded ourselves into thinking that they need us, we can help them, would that make us loved? heroes maybe? superhumans? worthy? Does it fill some huge void in our lives? after all negative attention is still attention isn't it?
So what does it take to say enough is enough? Some people never cry uncle and say enough, they just die a slow death, life just gets sucked out of them and they give up, not wanting to fight any more. Others rebel and find theirselves looking in the mirror and asking, what the hell am I doing, others just live in denial, convincing themselves this isn't that bad, it will get better if I just hang on a little bit longer. Others may get cast aside by the very person that is treating them wrong, only to wade through the hurt and pain to end up with another person exactly as the first one, almost as if we seek out punishing relationships, after all, it is all we have ever known, it is familiar, and in a very twisted way, safe territory.
I personally am the avoider, I hide from the truth of the situation to avoid the pain. I make up excuses for others, and myself. I endure emotional pain to avoid the pain and sorrow of seeing the truth. I put blinders on to the big picture, because I fear the pain that I know it will bring if I accept that it is up to me to step up and say "no more".
I have never been able to end a relationship before, no matter how bad it was. I have accepted everything that you could imagine, and just hid from reality. Somehow, I almost think I felt like I deserved punishment. I have never been able to say "no" and stick to it. Life keeps giving me the chance to step up and do what is right for me and I keep dropping the ball.
Yesterday, I experienced something that I hope and pray gives me the strength to say no and never look back, the excuses are already forming in my head and it's a battle.
Jerry had a mental break. The man is very sick in addition to his bipolar and he went over the edge yesterday. Even though it was only words, he described his desire to do horrible things to another person, any person, and picked one out on the road and said how about him. Was he trying to scare me into seeing things his way? Maybe, but he sure succeeded in scaring me.
My crossroad, do I run and hide from reality, get him the medical help he needs, stick around and hold his hand through it? Or do I turn towards that other path and take a step away? For the first time in my life, I am going to try to take that step away. I feel bad about it, I want to help him, after all, he is so very sick and has no one, I recognize that as my excuses to avoid the pain of loosing someone I love. I even feel selfish about my decision. I may not be able to stick with that decision, but I'm going to try.
B
Be it mental or emotional abuse, physical abuse, abandonment, betrayal and even sometimes pure hatred. Why would a smart person continue to allow a situation to continue and get worse, for days, months and eventually years?
Do we justify our tolorence of a dangerous situation because we love the other person, because they are sick? Maybe because we have diluded ourselves into thinking that they need us, we can help them, would that make us loved? heroes maybe? superhumans? worthy? Does it fill some huge void in our lives? after all negative attention is still attention isn't it?
So what does it take to say enough is enough? Some people never cry uncle and say enough, they just die a slow death, life just gets sucked out of them and they give up, not wanting to fight any more. Others rebel and find theirselves looking in the mirror and asking, what the hell am I doing, others just live in denial, convincing themselves this isn't that bad, it will get better if I just hang on a little bit longer. Others may get cast aside by the very person that is treating them wrong, only to wade through the hurt and pain to end up with another person exactly as the first one, almost as if we seek out punishing relationships, after all, it is all we have ever known, it is familiar, and in a very twisted way, safe territory.
I personally am the avoider, I hide from the truth of the situation to avoid the pain. I make up excuses for others, and myself. I endure emotional pain to avoid the pain and sorrow of seeing the truth. I put blinders on to the big picture, because I fear the pain that I know it will bring if I accept that it is up to me to step up and say "no more".
I have never been able to end a relationship before, no matter how bad it was. I have accepted everything that you could imagine, and just hid from reality. Somehow, I almost think I felt like I deserved punishment. I have never been able to say "no" and stick to it. Life keeps giving me the chance to step up and do what is right for me and I keep dropping the ball.
Yesterday, I experienced something that I hope and pray gives me the strength to say no and never look back, the excuses are already forming in my head and it's a battle.
Jerry had a mental break. The man is very sick in addition to his bipolar and he went over the edge yesterday. Even though it was only words, he described his desire to do horrible things to another person, any person, and picked one out on the road and said how about him. Was he trying to scare me into seeing things his way? Maybe, but he sure succeeded in scaring me.
My crossroad, do I run and hide from reality, get him the medical help he needs, stick around and hold his hand through it? Or do I turn towards that other path and take a step away? For the first time in my life, I am going to try to take that step away. I feel bad about it, I want to help him, after all, he is so very sick and has no one, I recognize that as my excuses to avoid the pain of loosing someone I love. I even feel selfish about my decision. I may not be able to stick with that decision, but I'm going to try.
B
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Frankly, you have a wonderful way with words and your post is amazing.
Sweetie, protecting ourselves from their actions, their words or their behaviour, when they are out of control mentally regardless of the cause, is never selfish. It's called taking care of ourselves and necessary if we are to be safe.
I can't tell you what do do, Frankly, only you can decide that, but I pray that he will get help that he so badly needs before he acts out on his thoughts.
My sponsor's husband who was alcoholic and also schizophrenic became quite dangerous when he neglected to take his medication and yet she could do nothing through the courts to have him treated or forced to take them. It's very sad, really, that help is so hard to get sometimes.
My prayers go out for both of you. And please keep yourself safe, okay?
Hugs
Sweetie, protecting ourselves from their actions, their words or their behaviour, when they are out of control mentally regardless of the cause, is never selfish. It's called taking care of ourselves and necessary if we are to be safe.
I can't tell you what do do, Frankly, only you can decide that, but I pray that he will get help that he so badly needs before he acts out on his thoughts.
My sponsor's husband who was alcoholic and also schizophrenic became quite dangerous when he neglected to take his medication and yet she could do nothing through the courts to have him treated or forced to take them. It's very sad, really, that help is so hard to get sometimes.
My prayers go out for both of you. And please keep yourself safe, okay?
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Frankly.... I see myself in your words, but with the help and support of so many of you and the guidance of God, I have taken the step. The one thing that I know for certain is that your safety and well being come above all. Please take care of you. It sounds like he is in a very dangerous and scarey place and therefore at this point, so are you. You are an intelligent, caring woman who deserves to take care of herself and be well... please remember that and please be strong. Know that you have support from me and from everyone here.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((Frankly)))
If you decide to start stepping away, I think you need to think first and foremost, of your safety.
Make sure you tell someone else in your family, or a close friend, what is going on, okay?
Frankly, everyone on Earth deserves to be happy, and that includes YOU.
Hugs...and happiness..
If you decide to start stepping away, I think you need to think first and foremost, of your safety.
Make sure you tell someone else in your family, or a close friend, what is going on, okay?
Frankly, everyone on Earth deserves to be happy, and that includes YOU.
Hugs...and happiness..
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
(((Frankly)))
you are a good and loving woman and deserve to be happy..I echo everyone here ...'please 'make sure you are safe...first priority....
sending prayers of strength and understanding for you as you find your way to a decision for your highest good, hugs, Grateful
you are a good and loving woman and deserve to be happy..I echo everyone here ...'please 'make sure you are safe...first priority....
sending prayers of strength and understanding for you as you find your way to a decision for your highest good, hugs, Grateful
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
How far have you gone to avoid pain?
frankly, you are in danger when Jerry is talking like that, and you need to find a place and plan of safety. You know that delusional is not safe. You know if he is even thinking of harming himself or others, that he is dangerous. You can't save him. All you can do is make a plan of safety for yourself.
Hoping for the best for you.
NH7
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