newcomer rejected and hurt after breakup with AXBF
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
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newcomer rejected and hurt after breakup with AXBF
Simply put my AXBF and i broke up 5 months ago when i found out he was still using cocaine (i knew he was an alcoholic but i didnt know he was still using cocaine. i thought that by abusing alcohol he stopped. but he uses both).and several times he made references about taking opiates recreationally so now i know that i guess he could/likely has a problem with those as well. maybe he told me so i thought it was less harmful then coke, i dont know. anyway:
it is my only real relationship. I am 23 years old, and hes the only serious boyfriend ive had. weve been off and on but ive never ever been able to get over him, and even when im with others, they just dont compare.
My AXBF was a good boyfriend for the most part but he was always messed up / wasted and i worried constantly. i was insecure about how he felt towards me even though he told me i was the love of his life etc. but i was obsessed, controlling nagging. he did not have a phone, would come over late, and i was codependent, clingy, and needy. i was super depressed and not fun. i resented even the good times we had. more importantly i drove him crazy with the insecurities i had about our relationship as he was flaky, etc. he was still trying to be a good boyfriend, and was a goodboyfriend throughout all my craziness.......
when we broke up, he wanted to be "friends" i felt like it is because he think there are girls out there that are better for him, and he wants to find them. This really hurts. It confirms what i thought about not being a good girlfriend. at one time, i probably was the love of his life and now i feel like ive pushed him away.
He wants to be friends- which hurts (!) that he views me as a friend. although word is that he is now "content" with us not being friends. i must say that although ive told him dont contact me dont contact dont contact me im still in love with you, i cant be friends with you etc. it HURTS that he doesnt contact me and has accepted it. A while ago he asked me to do "lunch" and when i said i wasnt there yet, he said he just wanted to do an innocent lunch sometime and if i changed my mind to let him know. It made me wonder if there was HOPE in him still wanting me, but my friends said that LUNCH is platonic and that he would not ask to go to lunch if he was interested in more??????
I feel rejected all over again, that he lost interest romantically, that he wants "innocent" lunches and friendship. I feel like hes going to find another girl who he has more fun with. or has much more of an interest in dating.
I know i shouldnt care, his business is his business but i am HURT, and the sorrow is overwhelming. I DO go to alannon, therapy, read about codependency, coda. BUT i just miss him so much and wonder if i couldve handled it, or if the fact that i wasnt a good girlfriend but DID care about him counts for anything.
I wonder today if i couldve dealt with it and if i could deal with it. one of the only views that stops me is that he will get worse (as he has no desire for treatment).
I cant get this view out that he is the one for me and that ill never meet anyone who makes me laugh as much or who i have that same special closeness/bond and chemistry with. he was my best friend for 8 years and we talked every day. now we dont talk at all, and i fear by cutting our communication lines i will indefinitely lose him. hell move on, accept it, but i will be still missing him as ive done for years.
it is my only real relationship. I am 23 years old, and hes the only serious boyfriend ive had. weve been off and on but ive never ever been able to get over him, and even when im with others, they just dont compare.
My AXBF was a good boyfriend for the most part but he was always messed up / wasted and i worried constantly. i was insecure about how he felt towards me even though he told me i was the love of his life etc. but i was obsessed, controlling nagging. he did not have a phone, would come over late, and i was codependent, clingy, and needy. i was super depressed and not fun. i resented even the good times we had. more importantly i drove him crazy with the insecurities i had about our relationship as he was flaky, etc. he was still trying to be a good boyfriend, and was a goodboyfriend throughout all my craziness.......
when we broke up, he wanted to be "friends" i felt like it is because he think there are girls out there that are better for him, and he wants to find them. This really hurts. It confirms what i thought about not being a good girlfriend. at one time, i probably was the love of his life and now i feel like ive pushed him away.
He wants to be friends- which hurts (!) that he views me as a friend. although word is that he is now "content" with us not being friends. i must say that although ive told him dont contact me dont contact dont contact me im still in love with you, i cant be friends with you etc. it HURTS that he doesnt contact me and has accepted it. A while ago he asked me to do "lunch" and when i said i wasnt there yet, he said he just wanted to do an innocent lunch sometime and if i changed my mind to let him know. It made me wonder if there was HOPE in him still wanting me, but my friends said that LUNCH is platonic and that he would not ask to go to lunch if he was interested in more??????
I feel rejected all over again, that he lost interest romantically, that he wants "innocent" lunches and friendship. I feel like hes going to find another girl who he has more fun with. or has much more of an interest in dating.
I know i shouldnt care, his business is his business but i am HURT, and the sorrow is overwhelming. I DO go to alannon, therapy, read about codependency, coda. BUT i just miss him so much and wonder if i couldve handled it, or if the fact that i wasnt a good girlfriend but DID care about him counts for anything.
I wonder today if i couldve dealt with it and if i could deal with it. one of the only views that stops me is that he will get worse (as he has no desire for treatment).
I cant get this view out that he is the one for me and that ill never meet anyone who makes me laugh as much or who i have that same special closeness/bond and chemistry with. he was my best friend for 8 years and we talked every day. now we dont talk at all, and i fear by cutting our communication lines i will indefinitely lose him. hell move on, accept it, but i will be still missing him as ive done for years.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
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I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Breakups with addicts are so much more painful than those with non-addicts, in my experience, because there is so much crazy psychological abuse going on.
It might help you to get a couple of books about cocaine addiction, the behavior and thinking of cocaine addicts, so you can better understand why he has so much power over you, why he gets high on that power over you, and why he wants to find ways to keep exercising power over you. Cocaine addicts thrive on feelings of power. They are incredibly arrogant and brutal.
I also have experienced, and know others as well, the "can we still be friends" line from the addict who is walking away. Essentially what he wants is to have no losses at all. Keeping you on a handy string for when HE decides HE wants a relationship again. And keeping his freedom to go out and use.
As long as he is actively using, he will continue to want power rather than mutual respect, he will continue to want control rather than intimacy, he will continue to make you think you are needy,clinging,and codependent (the outcome of any relationship with any addict is that it changes our behavior by making us nuts from being with an insane person. And we do start thinking and behaving in chaotic ways).
Your grief and distress is real and normal and tragic. You have known him many years and your heart still carries the image of him of days gone by. He is no longer that person. And this is the hardest thing for your rational mind to understand. That he is SOMEONE ELSE now. This is what makes us feel so crazy inside. It shakes us. We just cannot believe it, when we have known that face in another time and in another way. When we have known that person's sweetness and love.
I hope you find some support here from others to help you through this pain, which is agonizing and so very damaging. Please get help to recover from the wounds you are suffering. Addicts really do a job on us.
Sending you hope for recovery of your beautiful self.
It might help you to get a couple of books about cocaine addiction, the behavior and thinking of cocaine addicts, so you can better understand why he has so much power over you, why he gets high on that power over you, and why he wants to find ways to keep exercising power over you. Cocaine addicts thrive on feelings of power. They are incredibly arrogant and brutal.
I also have experienced, and know others as well, the "can we still be friends" line from the addict who is walking away. Essentially what he wants is to have no losses at all. Keeping you on a handy string for when HE decides HE wants a relationship again. And keeping his freedom to go out and use.
As long as he is actively using, he will continue to want power rather than mutual respect, he will continue to want control rather than intimacy, he will continue to make you think you are needy,clinging,and codependent (the outcome of any relationship with any addict is that it changes our behavior by making us nuts from being with an insane person. And we do start thinking and behaving in chaotic ways).
Your grief and distress is real and normal and tragic. You have known him many years and your heart still carries the image of him of days gone by. He is no longer that person. And this is the hardest thing for your rational mind to understand. That he is SOMEONE ELSE now. This is what makes us feel so crazy inside. It shakes us. We just cannot believe it, when we have known that face in another time and in another way. When we have known that person's sweetness and love.
I hope you find some support here from others to help you through this pain, which is agonizing and so very damaging. Please get help to recover from the wounds you are suffering. Addicts really do a job on us.
Sending you hope for recovery of your beautiful self.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am sorry you have to go thru this. u can not make him quit drinking or drugging. he is going to do it. you also can't make him love you. he is going to do what he wants to do. he is an addict & you are just in his way. i know how painful this is to you. An addict does not feel things like we do. i wish i had a magic wand to wave to make things better. it is hard but focus on you & things will get better i promise. keep coming back here & know we care. saying a prayer for you & him. hugs,
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 149
obsessive relationship thread?
Originally Posted by Akwarrior 
You might want to look at the obsessive relationship thread. It's been helping me to read through it. God bless and good luck.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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Posts: 149
Originally Posted by bluejay6
It might help you to get a couple of books about cocaine addiction, the behavior and thinking of cocaine addicts, so you can better understand why he has so much power over you, why he gets high on that power over you, and why he wants to find ways to keep exercising power over you. Cocaine addicts thrive on feelings of power. They are incredibly arrogant and brutal.
.
Do you have any book recommendations?????
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Some of us are attracted to broken people. The drama involved creates these intense negative emotions. Emotions cause this reaction within us, almost a purging or cleansing when they reach a climax, then you come down and feel almost euphoric because it's been "resolved." Though, in most cases with drugs, it never truly is resolved.
Does that sound familiar? The high feeling? The intensity. There's a reason we go to alanon. We're addicted ourselves--to our addicts, to the drama, to the emotions, to the feelings, to the intensity.
Other men don't compare because they don't bring that intensity. We have to train ourselves that it's ok to lose it and that we're better off and more healthy. And, in the end, we'll be happier once we realize that the feelings we had during our tumultuous times with the ex weren't about "love" but just about being an addict to the emotions that came along with it.
Good luck!
(hugs)
Does that sound familiar? The high feeling? The intensity. There's a reason we go to alanon. We're addicted ourselves--to our addicts, to the drama, to the emotions, to the feelings, to the intensity.
Other men don't compare because they don't bring that intensity. We have to train ourselves that it's ok to lose it and that we're better off and more healthy. And, in the end, we'll be happier once we realize that the feelings we had during our tumultuous times with the ex weren't about "love" but just about being an addict to the emotions that came along with it.
Good luck!
(hugs)
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