Language of Letting Go - Nov. 5 - Let's Make a Deal
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Language of Letting Go - Nov. 5 - Let's Make a Deal
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Let's Make a Deal
The relationship just wasn't working out, and I wanted it to so badly. I kept thinking if I just made myself look prettier, if I just tried to be a more loving, kind person, then he would love me. I turned myself inside out to be something better, when all along, who I was was okay. I just couldn't see what I was doing, though, until I moved forward and accepted reality.
--Anonymous
One of the most frustrating stages of acceptance is the bargaining stage. In denial, there is bliss. In anger, there is some sense of power. In barraging, we vacillate between believing there is something we can do to change things and realizing there isn't.
We may get our hopes up again and again, only to have them dashed.
Many of us have turned ourselves inside out to try to negotiate with reality. Some of us have done things that appear absurd, in retrospect, once we've achieved acceptance.
"If I try to be a better person, then this won't happen...If I look prettier, keep a cleaner house, lose weight, smile more, let go, hang on more tightly, close my eyes and count to ten, holler, then I won't have to face this loss, this change."
There are stories from members of Al Anon about attempts to bargain with the alcoholic's drinking: "If I keep the house cleaner, he won't drink.... If I make her happy by buying her a new dress, she won't drink... If I buy my son a new car, he'll stop using drugs."
Adult children have bargained with their losses too: "Maybe if I'm the perfect child, then Mom or Dad will love and approve of me, stop drinking, and be there for me the way I want them to be." We do big, small, and in between things, sometimes-crazy things, to ward off, stop, or stall the pain involved with accepting reality.
There is no substitute for accepting reality. That's our goal. But along the way, we may try to strike a deal. Recognizing our attempts at bargaining for what they are - part of the grief process - helps our lives become manageable.
Today, I will give others and myself the freedom to fully grieve losses. I will hold myself accountable, but I will give myself permission to be human.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Let's Make a Deal
The relationship just wasn't working out, and I wanted it to so badly. I kept thinking if I just made myself look prettier, if I just tried to be a more loving, kind person, then he would love me. I turned myself inside out to be something better, when all along, who I was was okay. I just couldn't see what I was doing, though, until I moved forward and accepted reality.
--Anonymous
One of the most frustrating stages of acceptance is the bargaining stage. In denial, there is bliss. In anger, there is some sense of power. In barraging, we vacillate between believing there is something we can do to change things and realizing there isn't.
We may get our hopes up again and again, only to have them dashed.
Many of us have turned ourselves inside out to try to negotiate with reality. Some of us have done things that appear absurd, in retrospect, once we've achieved acceptance.
"If I try to be a better person, then this won't happen...If I look prettier, keep a cleaner house, lose weight, smile more, let go, hang on more tightly, close my eyes and count to ten, holler, then I won't have to face this loss, this change."
There are stories from members of Al Anon about attempts to bargain with the alcoholic's drinking: "If I keep the house cleaner, he won't drink.... If I make her happy by buying her a new dress, she won't drink... If I buy my son a new car, he'll stop using drugs."
Adult children have bargained with their losses too: "Maybe if I'm the perfect child, then Mom or Dad will love and approve of me, stop drinking, and be there for me the way I want them to be." We do big, small, and in between things, sometimes-crazy things, to ward off, stop, or stall the pain involved with accepting reality.
There is no substitute for accepting reality. That's our goal. But along the way, we may try to strike a deal. Recognizing our attempts at bargaining for what they are - part of the grief process - helps our lives become manageable.
Today, I will give others and myself the freedom to fully grieve losses. I will hold myself accountable, but I will give myself permission to be human.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
One of the most frustrating stages of acceptance is the bargaining stage. In denial, there is bliss. In anger, there is some sense of power. In barraging, we vacillate between believing there is something we can do to change things and realizing there isn't.
We may get our hopes up again and again, only to have them dashed.
Many of us have turned ourselves inside out to try to negotiate with reality. Some of us have done things that appear absurd, in retrospect, once we've achieved acceptance.
We may get our hopes up again and again, only to have them dashed.
Many of us have turned ourselves inside out to try to negotiate with reality. Some of us have done things that appear absurd, in retrospect, once we've achieved acceptance.
Today I am so very grateful for my meetings, people who support me here, and for a loving God who takes care of what I cannot. Today I live in peace, finding beauty in each sunrise.
Hugs
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
"There is no substitute for accepting reality."
That has really been true in my life in recovery. Accepting reality doesn't take away the pain, disappointments and heartaches, but it does help me STOP beating my head against a wall trying to change things that will probably never change - at least probably never change because of my actions.
Acceptance is just letting me know - things are what they are - now what can I do for me.
thanks for sharing this Ann.
HUGS,
Rita
That has really been true in my life in recovery. Accepting reality doesn't take away the pain, disappointments and heartaches, but it does help me STOP beating my head against a wall trying to change things that will probably never change - at least probably never change because of my actions.
Acceptance is just letting me know - things are what they are - now what can I do for me.
thanks for sharing this Ann.
HUGS,
Rita
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I needed to read this today.
Acceptance just means I see something for what it is. I DON'T have to like it, but I have to accept that it IS what it is.
Awareness, then acceptance, and then (and ONLY then) action. If I go from awareness to action without accepting the situation, I usually end up taking the wrong action.
Thanks for this , Ann
Acceptance just means I see something for what it is. I DON'T have to like it, but I have to accept that it IS what it is.
Awareness, then acceptance, and then (and ONLY then) action. If I go from awareness to action without accepting the situation, I usually end up taking the wrong action.
Thanks for this , Ann
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