What now
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
What now
So, my kids are not coming around. My daughter is very angry with me and if she does talk to me it's to tell me how much I have messed everything up and how screwed up I am. Tonight she was saying some stuff that really scared me. She is hurting so bad. She will not talk to me and when I called her Dad and told him what she said, of course he didn't say, "Let's support our daughter and you are correct she needs help." No, it was " let me get her side of this and then I will decide if I will support her getting professional help." You see, although he was the one who had two DUI's, lost his license twice, then switched to smoking pot... every day for the past 28 years that I have known him... with a small break or two in there when I caught him or confronted him.... I am the one who is screwed up. He doesn't have a problem, he just smoked "a little" to relax.
He doesn't believe in "all that crap"... you know, counselors, professional help, et. Makes me wonder if he has something to hide... is perhaps using again and so feel threatened or if it's just more the same old power play.
I know I have to do what's right for my kids. (17 and 14 years old) I know that it might mean that for the mean time they "hate" me even more than they do right now. BUT, I have to know they are safe. I have never tried to keep them away from their Dad. But his unwillingness to see how much they are struggling... Dad moved out in July... is nuts. My therapist is considering reporting him to Child protective Services. Thinks he is getting in the way of the kids being able to get the help they need. The whole thought of all that makes me sick... but, what else can I do. Daughter is afraid to go to counseling because that would be going against Dad, so she is making it sound like she is fine and I am nuts... but in the meantime she is getting into trouble in school, screaming at me, screaming at teachers, etc. How do I gain some control, make sure kids are safe and keep my sanity?!?!?!?
Drugs stink!!! Look what this has done to my life and what it's doing to my kids. Could he (exh) get any more selfish!!!!?!?!?!?
I need support tonight, big time.
He doesn't believe in "all that crap"... you know, counselors, professional help, et. Makes me wonder if he has something to hide... is perhaps using again and so feel threatened or if it's just more the same old power play.
I know I have to do what's right for my kids. (17 and 14 years old) I know that it might mean that for the mean time they "hate" me even more than they do right now. BUT, I have to know they are safe. I have never tried to keep them away from their Dad. But his unwillingness to see how much they are struggling... Dad moved out in July... is nuts. My therapist is considering reporting him to Child protective Services. Thinks he is getting in the way of the kids being able to get the help they need. The whole thought of all that makes me sick... but, what else can I do. Daughter is afraid to go to counseling because that would be going against Dad, so she is making it sound like she is fine and I am nuts... but in the meantime she is getting into trouble in school, screaming at me, screaming at teachers, etc. How do I gain some control, make sure kids are safe and keep my sanity?!?!?!?
Drugs stink!!! Look what this has done to my life and what it's doing to my kids. Could he (exh) get any more selfish!!!!?!?!?!?
I need support tonight, big time.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Sending hugs...and confidence to do what you think is best for the kids.
Maybe you need to just move on your own and not give him so much power to interfere?
Wishing you peaceful days ahead
(((Hugs)))
Maybe you need to just move on your own and not give him so much power to interfere?
Wishing you peaceful days ahead
(((Hugs)))
)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
(((imallright))) You have been dealing with so much, if it helps, always remember that we understand what you have done and why - you are allright and are doing the best you can. I so hope your kids begin to understand too....very soon. Is there anyone else you and your daughter both trust that she could maybe confide in or talk to? Someone she could talk to that she wouldn't feel that she had to choose one parent over the other?
You made it through 28 years with him - that's a long time.....you can do this, your kids and you are worth it....take care.
Hugs--
You made it through 28 years with him - that's a long time.....you can do this, your kids and you are worth it....take care.
Hugs--
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
imallright,
Do what you feel is in the best interest of your kids right now.
Coulda, Woulda, Shouldas . . . looking back I wish I would have stuck with family counseling with my kids when my ex & I divorced. We attended for a while, but they both sat there not saying much of anything. I have used counseling off & on throughout the years since (in fact will start again next week,) but stopped going w/the kids cause it didn't seem to be doing any good. Would it have helped my son not become a drug addict??? Would my daughter be anymore happy with her life instead of a raving b!tch??? Don't mean to scare you . . . just wanted to say . . .
Do what you think is right for you & your kids. Hugs coming your way ((())).
Do what you feel is in the best interest of your kids right now.
Coulda, Woulda, Shouldas . . . looking back I wish I would have stuck with family counseling with my kids when my ex & I divorced. We attended for a while, but they both sat there not saying much of anything. I have used counseling off & on throughout the years since (in fact will start again next week,) but stopped going w/the kids cause it didn't seem to be doing any good. Would it have helped my son not become a drug addict??? Would my daughter be anymore happy with her life instead of a raving b!tch??? Don't mean to scare you . . . just wanted to say . . .
Do what you think is right for you & your kids. Hugs coming your way ((())).
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
imallright
Prayers that you find your way through this maze and that you have the peace of knowing you are doing the right thing.
Both my sister (dealing with her adopted heroine addicted daughter) and me (dealing with my meth addicted neice) came to realize that we had to get the authorities involved. It was only with the help of "the system" that we were able to get some positive traction on the situation.
It was only after we became willing to call the cops, sue for custody (my sister's grandchildren from her adopted daughter) and get children's services involved that things started to make a little more sense.
At the same time, when we did this, it did escalate the situation in the short term. Both addicts in our lives have screamed, spit venom, told us they hated us, blah blah blah... the usual. In the long term, however, both my sister and I have our sanity back and my sister's grandchildren are with her, safe and happy. Her daughter is still using, but at least not causing problems for her and the kids and my niece is back in jail where she is getting services she needs and is away from the drug life.
You may want to contact children's services yourself and find out what your rights are and how they can help you. At least in Ohio in my sister's case, it wasn't all or nothing. There was help along the way before she made the move to sue for custody.
By the way, my sisters kids were in counseling. It was the first step in the process of getting custody. I'd suggest sticking with the counseling even if it doesn't seem to be helping and even if the kids resist - it takes a while for the counselors to get enough information and build enough trust with kids in order to help, but once they get some understanding, they can often help with recommendations for action beyond what they do.
Lastly, if you are hoping that everyone will like you as you do the right thing, that could be a roadblock for making progress. You husband will not like you, your kids will escalate for a whole host of reasons and the only support you can expect is from those who have trod this path before and from people in the system (children's services, etc.). Like so many things, to do the right thing in a situation like this is thankless - except knowing that you are doing the will of your Higher Power. If you can accept that, you may find the peace you need to do what you have to do.
Best of luck!!!!
God Bless you on this difficult path...
Prayers that you find your way through this maze and that you have the peace of knowing you are doing the right thing.
Both my sister (dealing with her adopted heroine addicted daughter) and me (dealing with my meth addicted neice) came to realize that we had to get the authorities involved. It was only with the help of "the system" that we were able to get some positive traction on the situation.
It was only after we became willing to call the cops, sue for custody (my sister's grandchildren from her adopted daughter) and get children's services involved that things started to make a little more sense.
At the same time, when we did this, it did escalate the situation in the short term. Both addicts in our lives have screamed, spit venom, told us they hated us, blah blah blah... the usual. In the long term, however, both my sister and I have our sanity back and my sister's grandchildren are with her, safe and happy. Her daughter is still using, but at least not causing problems for her and the kids and my niece is back in jail where she is getting services she needs and is away from the drug life.
You may want to contact children's services yourself and find out what your rights are and how they can help you. At least in Ohio in my sister's case, it wasn't all or nothing. There was help along the way before she made the move to sue for custody.
By the way, my sisters kids were in counseling. It was the first step in the process of getting custody. I'd suggest sticking with the counseling even if it doesn't seem to be helping and even if the kids resist - it takes a while for the counselors to get enough information and build enough trust with kids in order to help, but once they get some understanding, they can often help with recommendations for action beyond what they do.
Lastly, if you are hoping that everyone will like you as you do the right thing, that could be a roadblock for making progress. You husband will not like you, your kids will escalate for a whole host of reasons and the only support you can expect is from those who have trod this path before and from people in the system (children's services, etc.). Like so many things, to do the right thing in a situation like this is thankless - except knowing that you are doing the will of your Higher Power. If you can accept that, you may find the peace you need to do what you have to do.
Best of luck!!!!
God Bless you on this difficult path...
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
You are alright~~It's the kids that get us in an uproar. You certainly are dealing with alot more than I could handle right now. Not that I haven't thou. My son moved in and out a few times and everytime he was here our lives were upside down. They just don't get it and as hard as we try to be great moms they never seem to appreciaite things...if I were you, I'd stick to my boundaries and try to enjoy the life you have. Maybe someday these kids will appreciaite the moms they have. It's so funny cause I know some not so great moms and their kids just love them to death...Life certainly can be upside down at times......big hugs, Bonnie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
I absolutely believe she is afraid. I think she is fully aware that Dad needs help and she thinks it is her job to save him and protect him. If she goes to counseling, it might come out... then what?!?!?! I know because I resisted getting help and letting the secret come out because I was too proud and afraid. As many of you know, once you do decide to face reality, it is less scarey and although it is painful, there is also a sense of relief. I didn't have to hide any longer.
Now, don't get me wrong... there was a part of me last night that just wanted to say, "ok, forget it. You win. Move back in and I will just tolerate all that I did for years and at least the kids will be ok." BUT... I know that the saner and healthier route is to continue to deal with the issues and work to find peace.
Thank you all for your support, please keep it coming... I need the support.
Now, don't get me wrong... there was a part of me last night that just wanted to say, "ok, forget it. You win. Move back in and I will just tolerate all that I did for years and at least the kids will be ok." BUT... I know that the saner and healthier route is to continue to deal with the issues and work to find peace.
Thank you all for your support, please keep it coming... I need the support.
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