Beyond Desperate
 

Ok long story short...I moved in with my parents because my ab decided to choose pills over us...he was supposed to move back home get on his feet and get help and we would work through things. When he got down there he started looking to hookup with flings and one night stands and now that I caught him he denies denies denies it all...even make me feel like Im making it all up...he left me with a pile of bills and a wrecked car and I finally got a good job which I am having trouble functioning at because Im still taking his calls at night...how do I get over him and tell him screw you I dont need this sh** anymore. I know there is no future in him because he is still an addict pretending in front of his parents and they think hes clean. He blames me and fusses with me on the phone and yet I still am so lonely and sad about being alone with no friends that I give in and talk to him....help me...I have no meetings locally and I need to somehow breakup this cycle. PLease help me I am so sad and lonely I feel ugly and alone because he cheated on me and I just dont understand why he says he loves me but does this crap...is he lying about a future and christmas and going do things fun together? Im just so sad...

Does anyone out there know where I am or how to get through this phase if so please reply even private post I dont care...I just need support through this...tell me its not worth trying to make this loser see the light...

I'm sorry you're hurting.

I won't tell you it's not worth trying to make him see the light...I will just tell you that it can't be done. No one can make an addict see the light. It's a place we A's have to find on our own.

The only way I could get past my XABF was to not talk to him. It just hurt too bad, and kept me down. It wasn't easy, but it was the only way I could even think about something else besides him.

This is a period of grief you just have to go through. You're grieving the end of the dream of what you had thought your lives together would be like. If we don't deal with the grief, it will come back to bite you in the a$$.

I hope you can find something else to occupy your mind. Unfortunately, as long as you keep talking to him, these feelings are going to continue.

It does get better, the more distance we put between us and them (especially mentally)...I promise.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

THankyou I will try...it is just so sad all the broken promises...all the money he took...all the health issues I went through and the terrible time I had for 7/9 months of my pregnancy...I just feel like I deserve some good treatment from him...it sucks so bad that Im the one stuck with all the bills and he put us in that situation and then hes living it up with his parents who are setting him all up again in a new place with his friends around him and a beautiful area. Im feeling like I was dumped in a puddle.

Trust me, I know the feeling. The good thing is, we perservere and go on with our lives and we are much better off than they are.

Don't let looks deceive you...that carefree lifestyle he seems to be living isn't all that. He's still using because he can't deal with life. You, on the other hand, are dealing with life and will be so much better of for it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

whereami,
Glad you found us.
I just want to tell you that you are worth WAY more than the ups and downs of addiction, besides him cheating on you.

When one door closes, another opens. There is happiness in your life, you just need to stumble upon it, but believe me, it's out there, just waiting.

Addicts say what they say because they're....addicts!

Do not even think for one moment anything he said is true.
They obviously lie.

Stick around, keep posting...
we're all here for you..

Hi Ami. When we are getting over the loss of a loved one (breakup or whatever) we are going to have good days and bad days. Just know that the pain you feel today will be less tomorrow and even less the day after until one day you'll feel so much better that you'll wonder why you ever wasted time worrying and crying over him. You'll just be so glad he's gone.

There are many things you can do when you are recovering from a break up. Force yourself to do them and you will feel better about yourself. "Act as if..." is always sound advice. Do you have any peps groups in your area? Or groups for single moms? Or a community center where you can sign up for free baby and me classes? (so fun :-)).

Also I would STOP TALKING TO HIM ON THE PHONE. Don't answer if he calls. Let him leave a message. Then enforce the 24 hour rule which is to promise yourself that you will wait a minimum of 24 hours BEFORE you return his phone call.

Don't hold your breath honey. Read the "what addicts do" stickey at the top of the main forum page. It's not about you. It's about him. He's living in a world of entitlement and blame. And guess what! You are the problem. Not him. Please don't let him unload his trash on you anymore. Stand up for yourself. You and your little girl do not have to be his human dumpster! It's up to you. Stand up for your little girl so she never has to feel what you are feeling right now.

(((hugs)))

It worked for me. Sure it was hard at first but it was definitely worth it.

Good luck sweetie. Keep posting here.

Say the words out loud and then say them again. Practice them and then say them to him. Hang up the phone immediately. If he calls back, repeat the words and nothing else, hanging up again.

It never dawned on me that sometimes we need dress rehearsals until I had to do them, too.

Today I stood up for myself AGAIN with my exabf and he went ballistic. He actually asked to borrow 20 bucks because he needed to buy stuff for our daughter. I said tell me what she needs and I will pick it up. He exploded and said that I was a theif because I wouldnt pay him back the money I "owe" him for the rent he paid (over his head and his kids' head) in September. I couldnt believe that.

But then I realized he was trying to cop me for money. That is what addicts do. They try to blame you for the situation that they themselves have chosen. Believe me they arent living it up. It sucks bad for them and you know it because their actions are speaking. And when it gets bad enough for them they will get help.

Try to keep telling yourself that you will get through this. Read some of the posts here and believe me you will understand the "whys" and "how comes". It hurts so much for us because we cant take a pill to make us forget or feel better. But you know what WE are the ones that are better off because of that very reason. Good luck to you. Keep posting. Know its ok to grief but also know its ok to say "hey I dont deserve this even from someone I LOVE".

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that exposes your understanding."

-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

The spirit of that quote, for me, is in finding my own "understanding", not that of another. Easier said than done because it can be heart wrenching trying to discern the 'truth' from someone who is incapable of living truthfully. Why they said this or that... I don't know. I can accept, however, that the big picture overshadowing the chaotic details is I wasn't afforded honesty and 'truth'... and there lies greater strength/integrity/character on the other side of having lived with half-truths, lies by omission, and outright deceit.

The Big Book of AA states there are those who are, "... constitutionally incapable of being honest." With honesty being a hallmark of recovery and IMHO, there is no active addict who is constitutionally capable of being honest... and that is my best understanding toward an answer of "Why"?

Many Blessings,
Shaman

It is a grieving process, and grieving is hard. But, you're doing it.

If you lost him to death, you would grieve, but you would have space to grieve your feelings without his input and churning up of your emotions. By taking his calls, he is not letting you go thru your process the way you need to.

I understand feeling ugly and alone. My AH looked at porn - a lot - but he wouldn't even look at me. But, I finally got it one day. I'm just as pretty as anyone else. Sometimes I'm prettier, and sometimes I'm not. But, what I know is, I am not ugly - inside or out. It gave me such a sense of peace when I finally got this thru my head and accepted it.

A lot of wise words above. There are and will be lots of other doors (and windows) opening, and you can choose which ones you want to step thru. Keep going, keep feeling, you will get there. You are so worth the work it will take. In the end, when you make it thru to the other side, you will be able to look back and feel a sense of accomplishment and see all the blessings that have come to you already on this journey. Your journey won't end, but the grieving will.

Try to turn off the phone at night!

Hugs to you!

Do you think the pain would lessen and the abuse would end if you stopped taking these calls?

You have gotten some really good advice but I wanted to throw my support in there for you. My daughter went through a break up that almost caused her to have a mental breakdown because this charming cheater continued to call her constantly. I finally had enough of watching what it was doing to her so when she asked me what to do I gave her the cold card truth.

I told her that she was participating in her own misery by continuing to take the calls and allowing herself to be sucked back in. I told her it was like ripping a scab off of a fresh wound over and over. How can it heal? It can't.

I would say the say the same to you. Stop taking his calls. Get some rest so you can concentrate on your job. On the offchance he wants to communicate about your daughter, set a boundary that she is the only thing you will discuss and of he starts to quack about anything else say goodbye and hang up. In the meantime find fun things for you to do. Take care of you and your daughter and try not to think about what's going on with him.

Best of luck,

As long as the addict is activly using there is no future, no hope and no promises.. just a bunch of lies, chaos and the ever going merry go round that goes in circles and never stopping... that is until YOU stop it...

1. Stop answering your phone.. Amy said it best when she said no contact is best.. the longer you talk to him the longer you prolong your healing and your recovery.

2. Quit beating yourself up.. you are not ugly and you are certainly not alone.. stop letting the addict in your life make you feel this way.. take back your power today..

3. If there are no meetings in your area then use SR as your meeting.. and search out some online meetings... If worse comes to worse, attend some open AA or NA meetings.. I know that by attending these, my understanding of addiction changed and I quit taking my AH's drug use personaly..

4. Most importantly, TAKE CARE OF YOU...

you did not CAUSE it, it can not CONTROL it, & you can not CURE it. addict blame everyone & everything on some one. it is up to you to control yourself. you are the only one that can. i am sorry you are hurting. it is really hard to let go of some one you love but you deserve so much better. find a hobby.find something that intrest you & put the focus on you. i am sorry u r going thru this. there is something good out there waiting for you. keep coming back & know we care. hugs & prayers,

One of the most powerful tools I have found in getting through extreme pain is not to look back or to live in "whatifs" but to live in the moment. For example...Just for today I will not pick up when he calls; just for this moment I will not think about him but will focus on me. Just for this quiet half hour, i will be gentle to myself and do something I like. Those moments, those hours, those days start adding up and before I know it I have journeyed through the worst of the pain and to someplace better. Hugs, I'm sorry you are hurting.