violence - drugs or character?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 113
violence - drugs or character?
Well I've been hesitant to post this question - I don't know why. Maybe it's because part of me is ashamed I put up with it, part of me is also afraid that I brought it on myself, and part of me is afraid to acknowledge it ... I don't really know what to think anymore ...
I'm wondering if anyone has any thoughts or experiences about violence and anger as it relates to substance abuse.
When my ex and I first got together, he was the sweetest, most gentle person i'd ever met. He and I seemed so much alike - and I felt that we connected with each other on a very deep level - we had both been hurt and betrayed by the very ppl that you're supposed to be able to trust the most - we'd both been cheated on - I felt like we understood one another and would protect each other's hearts.
After I while, I noticed that he had some serious anger issues - he tended to "go off" and smash things when he was angry ... and while it concerned me a bit, he didn't direct it AT me and I felt I could identify with feeling that angry and I felt as long as he wasn't hurting anyone, then it was good that he had an outlet - he would usually kick things and throw things ...
After a while, he started wrecking MY things (because he didn't have anything left of his own to wreck) and then I started to get p*ssed. He was putting holes in the walls of our rented home and considering I was paying for about everything, I was angry that he was doing damage that ultimately, I would be responsible for in one way or another.
When my resentment grew, I got to the point where rather than letting him "go off" and ignoring it, I started to yell and scream back - after all, now his anger was directly affecting ME. Things eventually escalated to him cornering me and screaming in my face, calling me horrible names, blocking me in rooms or breaking down doors when I would lock myself in a room to get away from him screaming and yelling.
I could see his pain and I wanted so badly to help him deal with all his anger and resentment ... I KNOW I wasn't perfect and I said and did a LOT of things out of my own anger - I was hurting so badly and I would say things I knew hurt him, trying to get him to "get" how much I was hurting when he did all this stuff.
He broke my hand once by grabbing it during an argument. I told everyone I slammed it in a door - he was so remorseful and apologized and said he'd never hurt me on purpose.
He threw me down on the couch once and I hit my head on the corner of the wooden arm of the couch. He apologized and said he didn't mean to do that ... and he only shoved me onto the couch because I wouldn't sit down and talk to him (when I get mad, I tend to pace around ranting and raving).
He shoved me into the walls a few times and left holes where my body hit the wall.
He punched me in the face once - I can't remember what happened to cause the argument, but it was most likely about him stealing something or lying to me about something - and he wanted to use the phone to call his mother and I wouldn't let him - so he punched me in the face ... that scared him, and he never lifted a hand to me again after that (i made him leave for a few days but then felt so bad that I had pretty much egged him on and taunted him that I asked him to come back so we could work on things)
He really scared himself after that - he was so upset and told me he'd always said he'd never ever hit a girl ... and it was pretty strained for a while - I felt so neglected because he wouldn't touch me at all ... but he never raised a hand to me again after that ... he did still have tantrums but would punch the walls and bash his head against walls and doors and fridges and rip the phone out of the wall etc.
A few other things he's done:
He's spit in my face
He's thrown a bottle of pop at me, completely drenching me in pop
He's called me fat, *****, bitch etc.
Can this behaviour be brought on by drugs? Or is this something that is in him ... and is he likely to be this way with other women?
I noticed as time went on that he also seemed to regress ... he acted more and more like a 5 yr old having a tantrum. He is younger than I am, but when we met, he seemed very mature for his age ... but the longer we were together, it seemed the more immature he behaved. People around him (as well as him) have said that he only behaves like this around me ... and I don't know if that is because I brought out this behaviour in him, or because I called him on his lies and told him the truth even if he didn't want to hear it, or what ...
I dunno ... I will be taking this up with my therapist once I find a new one ... but I'm really wrestling with the violence ... I know I got VERY angry with him and said a lot of hurtful things, but I have never hit him or thrown and broken things ... and I've never used drugs ...
Several of my friends have told me this is something very wrong with him.
His family seems to think it was the combination of US
And he ... well ... he seems to always have a "reason" for it ... he's been remorseful and apologetic afterward ... but he still seemed to rationalize it a lot more than trying to change the behaviour.
He has even told me that he was never angry until I "made him" stop smoking pot. *sigh*
Can certain people just bring out bad behaviour in their partners? Is it possible that I just pushed his buttons in the wrong way?
I'm having such a hard time ... I've felt so bad the last few days, thinking that I really messed things up and it must have been horrible for him to live with me if he can so easily just walk away and not look back ... I'm over here missing him so much I can hardly stand it.
:wtf2
I'm wondering if anyone has any thoughts or experiences about violence and anger as it relates to substance abuse.
When my ex and I first got together, he was the sweetest, most gentle person i'd ever met. He and I seemed so much alike - and I felt that we connected with each other on a very deep level - we had both been hurt and betrayed by the very ppl that you're supposed to be able to trust the most - we'd both been cheated on - I felt like we understood one another and would protect each other's hearts.
After I while, I noticed that he had some serious anger issues - he tended to "go off" and smash things when he was angry ... and while it concerned me a bit, he didn't direct it AT me and I felt I could identify with feeling that angry and I felt as long as he wasn't hurting anyone, then it was good that he had an outlet - he would usually kick things and throw things ...
After a while, he started wrecking MY things (because he didn't have anything left of his own to wreck) and then I started to get p*ssed. He was putting holes in the walls of our rented home and considering I was paying for about everything, I was angry that he was doing damage that ultimately, I would be responsible for in one way or another.
When my resentment grew, I got to the point where rather than letting him "go off" and ignoring it, I started to yell and scream back - after all, now his anger was directly affecting ME. Things eventually escalated to him cornering me and screaming in my face, calling me horrible names, blocking me in rooms or breaking down doors when I would lock myself in a room to get away from him screaming and yelling.
I could see his pain and I wanted so badly to help him deal with all his anger and resentment ... I KNOW I wasn't perfect and I said and did a LOT of things out of my own anger - I was hurting so badly and I would say things I knew hurt him, trying to get him to "get" how much I was hurting when he did all this stuff.
He broke my hand once by grabbing it during an argument. I told everyone I slammed it in a door - he was so remorseful and apologized and said he'd never hurt me on purpose.
He threw me down on the couch once and I hit my head on the corner of the wooden arm of the couch. He apologized and said he didn't mean to do that ... and he only shoved me onto the couch because I wouldn't sit down and talk to him (when I get mad, I tend to pace around ranting and raving).
He shoved me into the walls a few times and left holes where my body hit the wall.
He punched me in the face once - I can't remember what happened to cause the argument, but it was most likely about him stealing something or lying to me about something - and he wanted to use the phone to call his mother and I wouldn't let him - so he punched me in the face ... that scared him, and he never lifted a hand to me again after that (i made him leave for a few days but then felt so bad that I had pretty much egged him on and taunted him that I asked him to come back so we could work on things)
He really scared himself after that - he was so upset and told me he'd always said he'd never ever hit a girl ... and it was pretty strained for a while - I felt so neglected because he wouldn't touch me at all ... but he never raised a hand to me again after that ... he did still have tantrums but would punch the walls and bash his head against walls and doors and fridges and rip the phone out of the wall etc.
A few other things he's done:
He's spit in my face
He's thrown a bottle of pop at me, completely drenching me in pop
He's called me fat, *****, bitch etc.
Can this behaviour be brought on by drugs? Or is this something that is in him ... and is he likely to be this way with other women?
I noticed as time went on that he also seemed to regress ... he acted more and more like a 5 yr old having a tantrum. He is younger than I am, but when we met, he seemed very mature for his age ... but the longer we were together, it seemed the more immature he behaved. People around him (as well as him) have said that he only behaves like this around me ... and I don't know if that is because I brought out this behaviour in him, or because I called him on his lies and told him the truth even if he didn't want to hear it, or what ...
I dunno ... I will be taking this up with my therapist once I find a new one ... but I'm really wrestling with the violence ... I know I got VERY angry with him and said a lot of hurtful things, but I have never hit him or thrown and broken things ... and I've never used drugs ...
Several of my friends have told me this is something very wrong with him.
His family seems to think it was the combination of US
And he ... well ... he seems to always have a "reason" for it ... he's been remorseful and apologetic afterward ... but he still seemed to rationalize it a lot more than trying to change the behaviour.
He has even told me that he was never angry until I "made him" stop smoking pot. *sigh*
Can certain people just bring out bad behaviour in their partners? Is it possible that I just pushed his buttons in the wrong way?
I'm having such a hard time ... I've felt so bad the last few days, thinking that I really messed things up and it must have been horrible for him to live with me if he can so easily just walk away and not look back ... I'm over here missing him so much I can hardly stand it.
:wtf2
Last edited by lovesmenot74; 11-01-2008 at 08:13 PM. Reason: forgot something
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
No matter what you could or would do to another human being they should have self control not to hit you back or damage your belongings. Reread what you wrote. You love a man who beats you, verbally and emotionally abuses you...........now..........who's the sick one here?
Love yourself more then you do now because he doesn't. Abusers will ONLY do what we allow them to do to us. If you don't like it then get out of it. Yes it's that simple.
Love yourself more then you do now because he doesn't. Abusers will ONLY do what we allow them to do to us. If you don't like it then get out of it. Yes it's that simple.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Honestly sweetie, I do not know the answer to your question, but personally I don't think it matters "What" the reason for his violence is.
There IS NO justification for ANYONE hitting you, spitting on you, throwing you around, PERIOD AMEN.
There is NO to lead to him physically
hurting you, that is a complete lack of denial and codependency on his families part.
My main concern for you is getting help to figure out why you believe that being treated like this is okay for any reason.
You cannot make someone treat you like this.
My Mom was hit/abused by several men and it makes me sick the games that were played to try and turn it around. It was always her fault for some reason or another.
She had to learn also that it was never okay to be treated like she let herself even though she knew better, she had to figure it out, and she did after a few broken bones.
In my experience they don't stop, it just gets worse until you get out.
It may not always be like that, but my suggestion is get yourself some
help and get out before you really get hurt.
I am glad you posted, you are among some great people who will give you
a lot of unconditional love and support here.
:ghug
Lots of love and light your way.
DWI
There IS NO justification for ANYONE hitting you, spitting on you, throwing you around, PERIOD AMEN.
There is NO
combination of US
hurting you, that is a complete lack of denial and codependency on his families part.
My main concern for you is getting help to figure out why you believe that being treated like this is okay for any reason.
You cannot make someone treat you like this.
My Mom was hit/abused by several men and it makes me sick the games that were played to try and turn it around. It was always her fault for some reason or another.
She had to learn also that it was never okay to be treated like she let herself even though she knew better, she had to figure it out, and she did after a few broken bones.
In my experience they don't stop, it just gets worse until you get out.
It may not always be like that, but my suggestion is get yourself some
help and get out before you really get hurt.
I am glad you posted, you are among some great people who will give you
a lot of unconditional love and support here.
:ghug
Lots of love and light your way.
DWI
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Lovesmenot,
I am so sad to hear of such violence done to you. Drug abuse is domestic violence, but when you mix that with a batterer, you have double trouble.
Your ex has 2 seperate problems, one drugs, and the other abuse. Those 2 problems have to be dealt with seperately. Many times if one is a batterer, even if he stops a drug, the battering will still continue.
I know you feel like it's your fault, and thats not uncommon for victims, you think you brought something out in him to make him that way, but remember THAT IS NOT TRUE, ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
You will need a lot more help than Alanon, or Naranon can give you. You should definitely find a group in your area. But you will also need added help for the abuse.
There should be a hotline in your phonebook to your nearest YWCA. These are all women helping women. Please call and get help quickly, and please don't think about taking him back as much as you miss him. He's dangerous. Your gonna need a lot of healing my dear. Huggs.
:praying for you,
NH7
I am so sad to hear of such violence done to you. Drug abuse is domestic violence, but when you mix that with a batterer, you have double trouble.
Your ex has 2 seperate problems, one drugs, and the other abuse. Those 2 problems have to be dealt with seperately. Many times if one is a batterer, even if he stops a drug, the battering will still continue.
I know you feel like it's your fault, and thats not uncommon for victims, you think you brought something out in him to make him that way, but remember THAT IS NOT TRUE, ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
You will need a lot more help than Alanon, or Naranon can give you. You should definitely find a group in your area. But you will also need added help for the abuse.
There should be a hotline in your phonebook to your nearest YWCA. These are all women helping women. Please call and get help quickly, and please don't think about taking him back as much as you miss him. He's dangerous. Your gonna need a lot of healing my dear. Huggs.
:praying for you,
NH7
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
((lovesmenot)) The title of your post said "drugs or character". Of course, I can only speak from my experience, but I believe it is all in the character of the person. In other words, somewhere inside him, there is something that says it's OK to cross that line. Yes, sometimes people bring out the worst in each other, but that does not make it OK to become abusive (physically or verbally). For many, addicts or not, that line is just one that isn't crossed.
I've been in an abusive relationship. It's been 12 years and I still have trouble talking about it. So try not to blame yourself for any of it. That's just what they are hoping for -- maybe not intentionally -- but they want us to forgive and make excuses and they will say what they need to say to get another chance. Bottom line, it's not OK.
In all this, remember to put your needs first. You deserve that. You have a right to demand/expect to be treated with respect. Hang in -- you can do this. Hugs --
I've been in an abusive relationship. It's been 12 years and I still have trouble talking about it. So try not to blame yourself for any of it. That's just what they are hoping for -- maybe not intentionally -- but they want us to forgive and make excuses and they will say what they need to say to get another chance. Bottom line, it's not OK.
In all this, remember to put your needs first. You deserve that. You have a right to demand/expect to be treated with respect. Hang in -- you can do this. Hugs --
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 113
Originally Posted by Done-With-It 
My main concern for you is getting help to figure out why you believe that being treated like this is okay for any reason.
You cannot make someone treat you like this.
You cannot make someone treat you like this.
I definitely do not think that violence is acceptable. I know, many of you will ask, why then, did I stay with him and allow it to get worse and why did I ask him to come back when I'd kicked him out.
I did try to break it off with him several times but he always begged for one more chance ... I really thought he was trying ... and I wanted to believe he was sincere in wanting to stay with me. I can't imagine begging to stay with someone if you don't love them and WANT to be with them.
All I can say is that I love him and I see that he has been thru so much in his life and is in deep pain. Not that that's an excuse for the things I experienced, but I really felt like leaving him wouldn't serve to help him with anything. I believe in standing by the people that you love and so it's hard for me to see him in such pain and torment and to then leave him when clearly he needs someone ... I really have a hard time believing that there isn't good in everyone ... and when I look at him I see so much pain inside that he's covering up with anger and drug use ... I guess when I think of times when I'm in pain, it would hurt so much more to have those I love leave me at those times than any other ...
I know some would say that's his problem ... but I guess I was raised to believe that you don't abandon someone when they are in crisis. This is a hard situation for me to get my head around because I am so unfamiliar with so much of what I've experienced with him ... I'm naive to drugs, I'm naive to physical violence (and apparently he's seen a lot in his childhood), and I'm also naive to mental health issues (apparently bi-polar and schizophrenia run in his family along with thyroid problems and brain tumours) ...
I'm the type of person who always looks inward to figure out what my part in things is ... there are always 2 ppl involved in any relationship whether it be good or bad and so my first instinct is always to try to figure out what my part in something is when it isn't going well.
Since I don't know much about drugs and their effect on mood etc, I honestly wonder if someone who would otherwise not be violent, could become so if using drugs.
There has also been speculation as to whether he is bi-polar although while we were together, he always put off the testing ...
I'm not excusing his behaviour ... and I've told him many times that the way he was treating me was very disrespectful and abusive ... but it's so hard to sort things out ... it's like he's two people ... one of them is someone I love more than anyone ... and the other person is this horrible, ugly, scary stranger that takes over once in a while ...
I don't know ...
As I said, I am looking for a new therapist - I'm not comfortable discussing a lot of things with my current therapist and haven't told him much of what has been going on ... maybe i'll feel more comfortable with someone new ...
It's sure not fair that he's left me here licking my wounds while he's off not even thinking about me ... I can honestly say, he's done absolutely EVERYTHING he could have to hurt me deeply ... and I still miss the person he used to be so badly ... I just don't get it.
Good people aren't supposed to have to deal with this crap. I'm so messed up I can't see straight ...
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
lovesmenot,
You seem like such a kind, sweet, caring person. I just went back and read many of your posts and I could not find anything in them about who you are.
I know when I went through the pain you are going through I felt invisible without the relationship I was in. I felt like I could no longer see myself. I didn't have a life of my own. I lived through the other person. I didn't have any of my own interests. I didn't have goals for my own life. My life was centered around the relationship. I used the person as a mirror so I could see myself.
I thought the breakups were what caused all my pain, but I found out the pain I had was always there. It was triggered by the relationship. I was attracted to men who triggered the pain. I was abused, neglected, and abandoned and kept repeating the pattern in some way, shape, or form.
My pain was caused by sexual abuse, domestic violence in my childhood, and abandonment issues. I had blocked memories that finally surfaced and I went through a lot of inner healing from past wounds that I didn't even know existed. I realized I wasted many years waiting in hope for something that never happened. The reason it never happened is because I chose relationships that required the person to change and become what I wanted rather than choosing a person who was already the person I wanted.
There was a wounded child within me that didn't receive what she needed and was trying in a childlike way to fill that need. That child finally had to grieve the loss that could never be filled and grow past it.
When I read your posts I see an innocent childlike desperate need for love and a sweet, caring child that would do anything to love and be loved. You are sensitive and have a lot of compassion for others. Those qualities may be misdirected right now, but they will develop into some of your strongest assets.
Can you tell us a little about who you are?
You seem like such a kind, sweet, caring person. I just went back and read many of your posts and I could not find anything in them about who you are.
I know when I went through the pain you are going through I felt invisible without the relationship I was in. I felt like I could no longer see myself. I didn't have a life of my own. I lived through the other person. I didn't have any of my own interests. I didn't have goals for my own life. My life was centered around the relationship. I used the person as a mirror so I could see myself.
I thought the breakups were what caused all my pain, but I found out the pain I had was always there. It was triggered by the relationship. I was attracted to men who triggered the pain. I was abused, neglected, and abandoned and kept repeating the pattern in some way, shape, or form.
My pain was caused by sexual abuse, domestic violence in my childhood, and abandonment issues. I had blocked memories that finally surfaced and I went through a lot of inner healing from past wounds that I didn't even know existed. I realized I wasted many years waiting in hope for something that never happened. The reason it never happened is because I chose relationships that required the person to change and become what I wanted rather than choosing a person who was already the person I wanted.
There was a wounded child within me that didn't receive what she needed and was trying in a childlike way to fill that need. That child finally had to grieve the loss that could never be filled and grow past it.
When I read your posts I see an innocent childlike desperate need for love and a sweet, caring child that would do anything to love and be loved. You are sensitive and have a lot of compassion for others. Those qualities may be misdirected right now, but they will develop into some of your strongest assets.
Can you tell us a little about who you are?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northeast of Philadelphia
Posts: 17
After reading your posts and replies it seems like your missing your own point and everyone elses. Thats all fine and good that you think his behavior ISN'T exceptable, but your not going to be able to move on with life if your dead. TRUST me on this one, my first husband, mobster was wonderful in the beginning, but had a temper towards the walls and china. When that wasn't satisfying enough he started throwing me around. Into a lit fireplace, over a fence, broke acouple ribs, etc. I had a miscarriage because of him. It doesn't get better, they just don't realize one day "oh, I shouldn't do that" thats not nice. Bi Polar, (sorry to say thats what he sounds like, my X) need MEDS!!!! Your LUCKY he won't talk to you and I gaurantee the reason why he won't is cause he's found someone else to torture, they just don't know it yet. Sweetie, thank your lucky stars he left and please for the love of god don't answer the phone if he should call you. Living, breathing, and loving are a privilege on this earth. Do them all for a very long time, but do them for yourself first, not a nutjob like that guy. Sorry to be so forward with my thoughts, but I was in your shoes and I am lucky to escape with my life. PLEASE love yourself first and foremost and good things will come your way. Prayers and good thoughts.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((lovesmenot))
Morning Glory said it exactly how I see it. I read a whole lot about him. You seem to be more concerned for him and his problems than yourself. You give and give and give until you are all used up, and it's still not enough. You are looking for a reason to forgive him once again, maybe it's the drugs, maybe a mental illness.
What about you loves, what and who are you...without him? You are a loving caring loyal person with a lot to offer a partner. You are a gift that he doesn't deserve.
I held on to abusive relationships out of fear. Fear of being alone, fear of not being loved or even lovable. I tried to be perfect. If I was perfect, surely to god he would see that and treat me right. Fear of facing my own fears. Fear of facing myself. As long as he was around, I aways had my own excuse for not facing my fears, after all, he was creating enough drama around us that I could always blame the current situation instead of looking inside of myself and questioning why I would accept that kind of behavior from anyone. What was I really afraid of?
What are you afraid of Lovesmenot? What makes you happy?
All said with love and concern.
Hugs and Prayers
B
Morning Glory said it exactly how I see it. I read a whole lot about him. You seem to be more concerned for him and his problems than yourself. You give and give and give until you are all used up, and it's still not enough. You are looking for a reason to forgive him once again, maybe it's the drugs, maybe a mental illness.
What about you loves, what and who are you...without him? You are a loving caring loyal person with a lot to offer a partner. You are a gift that he doesn't deserve.
I held on to abusive relationships out of fear. Fear of being alone, fear of not being loved or even lovable. I tried to be perfect. If I was perfect, surely to god he would see that and treat me right. Fear of facing my own fears. Fear of facing myself. As long as he was around, I aways had my own excuse for not facing my fears, after all, he was creating enough drama around us that I could always blame the current situation instead of looking inside of myself and questioning why I would accept that kind of behavior from anyone. What was I really afraid of?
What are you afraid of Lovesmenot? What makes you happy?
All said with love and concern.
Hugs and Prayers
B
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
My daughter is a heroin addict. Growing up she would have never resorted to physical violence. She was very quiet, shy and gentle. But with her addict boyfriend she could become violent when she was craving heroin. He is the one who supplied all of her drugs and she has broken windows, hit him, knocked out a couple of his teeth because she was hurting so badly and needed the heroin and he had no money and no way to get the drug. I am in no way saying what your bf did was right. But you asked if they could become violent and the answer is yes, in my daughter's case. She now has 5 months clean off drugs and once again, there is not a violent bone in her body. I am the kind of person that can feel others' pain too. I always went for the lost, little boy type when I was younger. I thought that I could make a difference in their lives and I needed to be needed. Instead all I got was hurt. Take care of you and continue to try to find the reasons why you need that kind of a relationship in your life. You really do deserve better. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Its been my experience that its the character of the person. I was married to a very violently abusive man and he did the same things to me. Break my stuff when he was angry, punched me in the face causing me to have stitches. These are all things that speak to the persons character. That was what I couldnt figure out in that relationship. I thought if he could get help with his issues he would change. FALSE HOPE was what that was.
Drug addicts become people that they are not when in active addiction. Do things they normally would not do. I cannot speak to the violent part of it as my ex was NEVER violent. He did seem to become more edgy or had a shorter fuse but never hit, choked, broke anything, terrorized me or the kids. No one of those things happened. But in this situation this man became something else with the drugs and if he could get clean he would go back to being the same man. That isnt FALSE HOPE. I pray for that each and everyday.
You DESERVE better. You are NOT the cause of HIS problems. Love your self and decide that you deserve better. If you dont you will end up with the same man over and over. That is why its a cycle of abuse. NO MAN SHOULD EVER PUT HIS HANDS ON A WOMAN IN THAT WAY.
If he is like that with you you can almost bet the house he is or has treated others the exact same way. I know drugs can cause violence in a person but not always. That is why I believe it speaks to the character of the person. That is my situation.
Drug addicts become people that they are not when in active addiction. Do things they normally would not do. I cannot speak to the violent part of it as my ex was NEVER violent. He did seem to become more edgy or had a shorter fuse but never hit, choked, broke anything, terrorized me or the kids. No one of those things happened. But in this situation this man became something else with the drugs and if he could get clean he would go back to being the same man. That isnt FALSE HOPE. I pray for that each and everyday.
You DESERVE better. You are NOT the cause of HIS problems. Love your self and decide that you deserve better. If you dont you will end up with the same man over and over. That is why its a cycle of abuse. NO MAN SHOULD EVER PUT HIS HANDS ON A WOMAN IN THAT WAY.
If he is like that with you you can almost bet the house he is or has treated others the exact same way. I know drugs can cause violence in a person but not always. That is why I believe it speaks to the character of the person. That is my situation.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 34
I know the Domestic Abuse hotline says these are 2 separate problems (because I kept thinking substance abuse has caused the violence). My AH has a really bad temper and it is only getting worse. Go to google and look up Abusive Personality Disorder or traits and it shows on there also that lots of abusive personality disorders turn to alcohol and drugs. (Jekyl&Hyde personality types) which I had called my AH for years. It is a little bit of an eye opener for me because I kept thinking that if my AH got help, it would solve everything. (the codie in us will want to "help" them and we blame it all on the drugs). Learning this, is helping me. (i need to quit making excuses for him)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 123
sometimes the best thing we can do is leave to help them..to face thier own demons with out us always catching them when they fall,,sometimes we do morwe harm than good when we stay in relationships that are not good for us..think back when you werwe a teenager, didnt you learn more from someone not always being there for you,,you can detach with love,,that means you dont allow hi ot treat you that way...he doesnt do this to other people cuz he knows they would not tolerate it, but he knows you will,,we teach people how to treat us by allowing the abuse t continue..in thier eyes they know we dont respect ourselves enough so why should they? i bet you he would never allow someone to treat him that way..what would he do?? hit them? like he does you? stand up for yourself and stay away from him..he needs to face his own demons with out you being there..
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
You are NOT his savior. You have to let go of the power trip of thinking that you can "save" him. He is where he's at because he wants to be there.
You talk about not leaving him in a time of crisis.......but yet he's left you. Hmmmm
He's spit in my face.......you love him?
He's thrown a bottle of pop at me, completely drenching me in pop...you love him?
He's called me fat, *****, bitch etc....you love him?
smash things when he was angry .....you love him?
kick things ........you love him?
broke my hand once by grabbing it......you love him?
punched me in the face once ........you love him?
bash his head against walls and doors and fridges and rip the phone out of the wall ........you love him?
This is NOT normal. This is dangerous. This is why woman get killed. IF he is ignoring you then he is giving you a chance to escape. If you keep on and on then you will be the victim again and next time you could die!
These type of men use you like catching a fish, it's called bait and hook.
He does NOT care about you.
Please reread everything you wrote.
You talk about not leaving him in a time of crisis.......but yet he's left you. Hmmmm
He's spit in my face.......you love him?
He's thrown a bottle of pop at me, completely drenching me in pop...you love him?
He's called me fat, *****, bitch etc....you love him?
smash things when he was angry .....you love him?
kick things ........you love him?
broke my hand once by grabbing it......you love him?
punched me in the face once ........you love him?
bash his head against walls and doors and fridges and rip the phone out of the wall ........you love him?
This is NOT normal. This is dangerous. This is why woman get killed. IF he is ignoring you then he is giving you a chance to escape. If you keep on and on then you will be the victim again and next time you could die!
These type of men use you like catching a fish, it's called bait and hook.
He does NOT care about you.
Please reread everything you wrote.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 58
My 2 cents - and a suggestion:
The drug abuse & anger issues are intertwined, on some level - and the violence is definitely increased by the drug use.
My A(ex)GF - who I had "sworn off" several times from my life in the last few months - changes her moods & thoughts as they relate to me more often & with such speed - that, even though I "know what I know" - I STILL somehow manage to be shocked or amazed. I've seen her physically violent. I've heard words come out of her mouth that stab me both in the heart - and in the back. It just sucks. I'm beginning to accept that I never knew "her". The "glimpse's" of her I fell in love with may not have ever existed - or ever will. Its just mind blowing how a person can hurt someone else "just like that" - with little to no remorse.
Anyway - I blame a lot of it on the drugs. We hear about steroid users who are moody, right? Well, most other addicts are the same. Their heads are just not on straight.
My suggestion - get the book called "Ditch That Jerk!". While its geared for women who deal with abusive men, it applies equally to men who find themselves with abusive women. Help's you ask a lot of questions & get answers to why you are with someone like that.
The drug abuse & anger issues are intertwined, on some level - and the violence is definitely increased by the drug use.
My A(ex)GF - who I had "sworn off" several times from my life in the last few months - changes her moods & thoughts as they relate to me more often & with such speed - that, even though I "know what I know" - I STILL somehow manage to be shocked or amazed. I've seen her physically violent. I've heard words come out of her mouth that stab me both in the heart - and in the back. It just sucks. I'm beginning to accept that I never knew "her". The "glimpse's" of her I fell in love with may not have ever existed - or ever will. Its just mind blowing how a person can hurt someone else "just like that" - with little to no remorse.
Anyway - I blame a lot of it on the drugs. We hear about steroid users who are moody, right? Well, most other addicts are the same. Their heads are just not on straight.
My suggestion - get the book called "Ditch That Jerk!". While its geared for women who deal with abusive men, it applies equally to men who find themselves with abusive women. Help's you ask a lot of questions & get answers to why you are with someone like that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 113
who i am ... (long-ish)
Originally Posted by Morning Glory
You seem like such a kind, sweet, caring person. I just went back and read many of your posts and I could not find anything in them about who you are.
My pain was caused by sexual abuse, domestic violence in my childhood, and abandonment issues. I had blocked memories that finally surfaced and I went through a lot of inner healing from past wounds that I didn't even know existed. I realized I wasted many years waiting in hope for something that never happened. The reason it never happened is because I chose relationships that required the person to change and become what I wanted rather than choosing a person who was already the person I wanted.
When I read your posts I see an innocent childlike desperate need for love and a sweet, caring child that would do anything to love and be loved. You are sensitive and have a lot of compassion for others. Those qualities may be misdirected right now, but they will develop into some of your strongest assets.
Can you tell us a little about who you are?
Can you tell us a little about who you are?
I believe I'm a pretty good person - not perfect by any means - but I really try hard every day to be genuine, caring, considerate of others, and my independence has long been an important thing to me. I can be very stubborn and I'm very emotional. I'm a Scorpio and I've always told people that I'm a "textbook" one at that ... read up on character traits of Scorpios and you pretty much know me.
I grew up in a middle class, hard working family - I was taught that anything worth having is worth working for and good things don't always come easy. I was taught that if you're going to do something, do it right, or don't do it at all and I find I pretty much follow that in most of the way I live - be it housework or relationships, I'm either all the way in or all the way out.
I have never been subjected to physical abuse (my father spanked but it wasn't something that happened regularly), neither of my parents are addicts. I never knew my maternal grandfather, but I heard he was a harsh man who drank a lot - don't know that he was an alcoholic, but my maternal grandmother was a very meek, ultra gentle person, very soft spoken - the most wonderful person in my life and I've missed her desperately since the day she passed away. She was always on my side. She always felt like she was a burden to people and sometimes I identify with that. My paternal grandparents were completely opposite of my maternal grandparents - my grandmother "wore the pants" in that relationship and IMO, was very demanding and controlling of my grandfather although I don't have a lot of memories of them together, my grandfather passed away when I was younger but I remember him being the strong, silent type ... very much like my father. My dad is my hero and if I had to state a "type" of guy I look for, it is someone like my father - strong, quiet, gentle, hard-working - I've always been very close to my father. My mom and I have not had a good relationship - we've never really seen eye to eye on much - I am more like my father and I think that irritates my mother. She is very high-strung and almost obsessive about how things need to be her way. When I was younger I was always accused of doing things that I've NEVER done ... she was convinced I was using drugs so many times - I never even drank until I turned legal age to do so. I suppose if there is anything about my "childhood" that could be psychoanalyzed, it would be that I find I'm always seeking approval from a mother who will never accept me for who I am - I often feel like I'm not good enough in her eyes no matter how hard I try ... and I desperately want my father to be proud of me.
I have 2 siblings. I am the oldest - my sister is a few years younger and my brother is 10- yrs younger. My brother experimented a lot with drugs when he was younger but I missed a lot of the drama because I was not living with them. All 3 of us seem to be very sensitive, caring, people. My sister and I often talk about how ppl just seem to suck.
I used to be a very positive person - but life the past 5 yrs or so has shown me a really ugly side to people - a side that I've somehow managed to be shielded from (or have managed to ignore/deny) for years. I've always just tried to be a good person and mind my own business, and for some reason, that has made me a target for some serious accusations about the type of person I am - accusations that really cut me deeply and made me question who I am and what my purpose on earth is. I'd rather not go into detail about these things, but basically one of my hobbies that I am very passionate about is now something I feel I cannot be involved in because of a small group of ppl who have made horribly untrue statements about me.
I have a few close friends - connections with people are very important to me and the friends that I do have are friends that have been and will be around for a long time. Yes, I would call myself sensitive and compassionate. I used to think these were good traits, but I definitely see them as weakness now. I have always tried to surround myself with people who are like me in that regard because others seem to hone in on that and take advantage of me.
I've always been very good about "weeding out" the toxic ppl. I really thought that my ex was like me. It's not like I hadn't had a chance to get to know him before we became involved. We were friends for a while. I had decided a long time ago that relationships just weren't in the cards for me and so that wasn't' even on my radar for a long while with him. It grew from there after I felt that I knew who he was - I thought he was a fundamentally good person - albeit with a lot of painful things from his childhood (HE has been abused severely by his single mother, had a lot of trouble with abusive teachers in school, and possible ADHD) - but I felt that we connected at that place where we were both sensitive and careful with our hearts until we felt safe to place them in someone else's care. Until him, I'd always been a "chaser" trying to get ppl to realize how great I was - with him, I was finally able to just be "me" and he loved me for that ... he pursued me, he initiated our relationship, and HE told ME he loved me ... my last bf didn't tell me that the entire time we were together (3 yrs) and I felt that I could trust that it was true with my ex. Things were so perfect for a good 8 months and then he started pulling away and I was no longer the focus of his attention and that is when it started going downhill. There was a definite shift at some point in the relationship - a point where I felt that somehow we went from being equal to me feeling like I had to vie for his attention and I can't even pinpoint where/shen that happened.
From my first post, it might sound like he was violent ALL the time ... I honestly felt like he was trying but things in our lives got very difficult and stressful - money was tight, his family moved away, the house we were living in started falling apart and the landlord was useless so we had to look for another place to live. I've read about abusive relationships and my situation was nowhere NEAR as horrible as the stuff a lot of other people endure - and no, that doesn't mean it is okay - I just wanted to state that there are ppl that have been thru so much worse.
I know that violence is never acceptable - my first serious bf hit me once and that was enough for me. I've been very careful in my selection of who I allow into my life ... so I guess it's hard for me to get my head around what happened with my ex. I feel as though I've abandoned him when he needs me ... he has huge abandonment issues and I feel like I've done exactly what he told himself I was going to do. I guess I wanted to prove him wrong, but no matter what I did, it was never enough to prove to him he could fully trust me. It's so weird - I did everything to prove that he could trust me, and he did everything to prove that I couldn't trust him.
I just don't understand WHY you would fight and beg to stay somewhere if you didn't really love that person and want to work it out. He's resourceful and so it's not like he HAD to stay with me or be out on the streets ... he's always got someone willing to put him up for a few nights ... I just don't understand people pretending to be someone they aren't ... it seems like such a waste of time and energy to me ...
sorry, now I'm just rambling ...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I just don't understand WHY you would fight and beg to stay somewhere if you didn't really love that person and want to work it out. He's resourceful and so it's not like he HAD to stay with me or be out on the streets ... he's always got someone willing to put him up for a few nights ... I just don't understand people pretending to be someone they aren't ... it seems like such a waste of time and energy to me ...
Focus on why you do what you do. Not why he does what he does. You didn't cause it. You can control it. You can't cure it. Figure out what you have to live for and go for it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 113
bi-polar?
Originally Posted by BellasNona
Bi Polar, (sorry to say thats what he sounds like, my X) need MEDS!!!! Your LUCKY he won't talk to you and I gaurantee the reason why he won't is cause he's found someone else to torture, they just don't know it yet.
Can ppl with bi-polar disorder be violent off meds and then non-violent when on meds?
Can ppl with drug addiction be violent while on or withdrawing from drugs and non-violent when in sober?
I know there are ppl who will read my questions and think I'm looking for an excuse to take him back. That is not what I'm doing. I'm trying so hard to understand what happened to him. I'm usually a good judge of character and I did NOT see this coming from him ... I never thought he'd hurt me this way. My gut tells me that there has been a progression of either mental illness or drug abuse (or both) that I was too blind to see. I feel that he has been using far more serious drugs than he let on to me and that either the rages and violence were a symptom of withdrawl or a something similar.
I'm just trying to understand what could have possibly happened to our once near-perfect relationship.
I know how the stress of our lives affected me - I had a short fuse and screamed and yelled and cried a lot more as things in our life got worse ... and I can't help but wonder if our life circumstances had been different, if things would have been different in our relationship.
Yes, I do still love him and miss him ... but the only way we could ever try to repair anything would be if he agreed to go with me to counselling ... and he's not even talking to me - he has a new gf - and is convinced that I drove him crazy ... I'm not even sure I COULD take him back knowing that he went out and found someone else while I was still under the impression we were supposed to be working on OUR relationship ...
I dunno, maybe I'm trying to make sense of a senseless situation ... I'm just so confused.
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