sistergldnhair

ok, so AS is in rehab as most of you know. I haven't spoken with him since he got released from the hospital after a suicide threat and has gone back to the rehab. I did get two letters from him this week. He sounded good. Admitted he was dealing as well as using, which I kinda knew already. Said he was remorseful, and felt rotten having done this to his life and ours. So yesterday I spoke with the counselor.
She said he is seeming more comfortable. Has cut his hair and shaved daily (this is HUGE...the hair part) on the advice of his group to appear more grown up. He continues to be very quiet, and has not completed several assignments that were due. She asked if when he wrote was he manipulative in any way. I thought no, he wasn't. She did say she thought he was being lazy, and has to step up a bit. She wanted me to fax the letters he sent me, so that she could go over them with him, and he can learn from them, as far as thinking of others before himself and stuff like that. I said ok, but feel like I'd be betraying his confidence by doing that, any advice?

Ok, so she asked where dad was in all of this. Said she was shocked that he did not call one time about his son. I said I guess it was assumed that I am taking care of it. I told her the kids are very resentful of my husband, with good reason. A little background. Matthew (AS) and dad have not to good of a relationship. a "hey dad", "oh, hey matt" kind of relationship. Never spent time together or conversed in anything....Husband detests drugs, and thinks Matthew should just "stop", and that's it. Does not understand the addiction. I don't love drugs either, but here it is in my life and I must deal with the problem. He also has a very hot temper. Kids really don't respect him at all. Hubby is addicted to the computer. Like games World of Warcraft and things like that. I mean, 24/7. When he's home he's on the game, and when he's at the office he's on the game. He and I own an ambulance service, and a few years back, he didn't go to the office for almost 2 years because he was playing his game. I was going to work, running the business, and he was just "a hone call away if you need me". Kids grew up with this. I was very sick last year. Gastric Bypass surgery nightmare..ending up malnourished, on a feeding tube, vitamin deficient, and basically bed ridden for about a year. During this time, hubby would stay at work for days and days at a time, not even calling home, to see how I was, and basically the kids took care of me. Thinking of what would happen to them is what kept me alive. So yeah, our marriage is not the best. At one point Matthew was at work (our office) and he went into hubby's office and found evidence of perverse sexual behavior (porn and web cams) in his office and was repulsed and distraught at whether he should tell me. (told to me by a friend at work). I think he might have told me, but at this point I could no longer care about anything, as I was really that sick. I would tire going to the bathroom...So there is ALOT of resentment there. Physical abuse to middle son, by my husband that I did not know of...we are screwed up family I guess...sooo.....

counselor suggests (i did not tell her ALL of the above..just about me being sick and stuff and hubby being computer addicted) that hubby be the first person to write an impact letter to Matthew. This has been worrying me ever since. Why him? I've been on his since she told me yesterday if I should call her and explain a bit more of what went on...or bud out? She told hubby to write to son, how his addiction has affected all aspects of his life. Financially, emotionally, spiritually....no mushiness she said. I was kinda floored. I'd imagine that Matthew, upon reading this will become enraged, at the thought that this man, who is not normal in his life, will critisize Matthew's life. Do you think that this is what she is after? I thought today, that maybe what she wants is to invoke some sort of emotion out of matthew, who has been very quiet until now. I have a good relationship with him. He really has never been foul or fresh to me at all...and loves me to death. Depends on me too much (another thing we have to work on while he's there). He is a very sensitive person (matthew) and soft spoken, and hurts easily. I mean he doesn't even like people to talk loud to each other... So..do you think I should call her Monday and explain the relationship more? I'd like to question what the impact letter is supposed to accomplish, and maybe if she understood what has happened in the past, she might be ready when she gets the possible rage reaction..or indifference reaction.

My friend said, after I told her all of that stuff, that she'd probably flat our ask me...and your still with her husband why? LOL. Cause I guess I'm screwed up. Honestly it's easier to stay with him right now. I'm not happy with him...but am terribly afraid. I threw him out once for about 2 months after he pulled that stint of not working for two years, and I told him that we couldn't take it anymore. Me or the kids. And when he was gone, it was calm. Matthew stepped up to the head of the house then, and was so helpful to me, but at that time, I had lots of money socked away, and it was easy. Then I got sick, and couldn't deal with the stress it would cause me...it was enough dealing with my illness...and now with Matthew in rehab and not in great condition...it scares me more.

So I'm confused, scared, emotional...Advice for my....Hello??? Anyone??? or have you all stopped reading the post as you figure I'm a lunatic LOL...

Eileen

Ann

Indeed you do have your hands full with problems in your family, and I hope you can get some help just for you. Have you tried any Alanon, Naranon or CoDA meetings? The would certainly help you deal with your side of these problems, which, in the end, is the only part that you get to manage.

As for what the counselor is asking of you, it seems to me to be very intrusive on the family and only you can decide what you are comfortable doing or not doing.

I work at a rehab and our focus is on the resident and their recover, and their family of origin issues are left for them to address as they are ready. We do not interfere with family matters but help suggest counseling or services that may help each individual. That said, all programs are not the same and maybe this one involves the entire family in the treatment.

I don't have any good suggestions for you except to get some help for yourself. Living like you are living is not healthy and you have choices here. Staying is one of the choices, but staying or leaving is better decided from a healthy perspective and getting help for yourself will give you a more balanced point of view.

Hugs and prayers for all of you

blue pansy

Hi sister

First a great big hug for you!

I would come clean with the counselor and tell her (?) what's up with your husband. She is probably working with your son thinking that dad is someone who might make a big difference in his thinking, but in the wrong way. They say that addiction is a family illness and they're not kidding about that. It does affect everyone in the family in very different ways.

If your not comfortable doing what she asks then maybe you shouldn't do it. When my daughter was in rehab, the family was involved in very little, the focus was on her and her recovery. After your son has quite a bit of clean time I would think then would be the best time to tackle the issue of his father.

Do you go to any meetings? They help a lot in ways that you cannot imagine, not just in dealing with your addict, but in all areas of your life and open your eyes to a new way of dealing with your entire life.

Good luck,
Blue

Impurrfect

I agree with Ann. I think the counselor is overstepping her role, and trying to get you to do part of her job. SHE is the one who needs to deal with Matthew and bring him out of his shell....that's what she's supposed to be trained to do. Maybe I'm wrong, and she is trying to evoke some emotion, but I'd think she could just bring up the relationship with his dad and it would do the same.

Whatever your decision, you'll have our support. You're in a difficult spot and I know this has to be draining on you.

As Ann said, taking care of you is the best thing you can do.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

grateful2b

Two things that jumped out at me:
it should not be necessary for you to betray your son's confidence, for her to be able to do her job...
It is unprofessional for her to express her personal reaction about your husband's role in the family, irregardless of his lack of responsibility.
feels very intrusive...
she should be able to do her job without overstepping her bounds ...
while it is wonderful to have a cooperative family in the background, her focus should be on your son, not his family...

Sister, it would be wonderful if you had some support , as Ann has mentioned, just for you..Alanon or other..
hugs, Grateful

mooselips

I'm thinking I would not send her those letters. IMO, those are personal, between you and him, and that's that.
Although I would explain to her if you felt there was any issue at all, you would discuss it with her.

If you go there, and visit him, will she listen to your whole conversation? I think not.

If she has questions regarding your husband, I would direct her to call him.

I can understand her wanting to understand the family dynamics, but she needs to get it from the horses mouth I would think...ya think?

(The above is only my personal opinion, take what you like and....)

sistergldnhair

I did go to two or three Alanon meetings, but last week went to a local Families Anonymous meeting and I loved it. I liked the people there and I know I will continue with this meeting. Only thing is...with these types of meetings...noone really seems to give advice or their take on things. Maybe we'll see if this FA meeting turns out to be different. We actually talked about our Addicted loves ones..and good news and bad news that has happened.

I think I really should call her Monday just to ask a few questions. I'm a little intimidated by her (remember she chewed me out that time), but she also told me in the first phone call, that I could call her for anything, and I could ask questions about his treatment. So I'll call, and ask her what she expects to get from the impact letters.

I have heard of them before, read about people writing them, during interventions and stuff like that..so I know it is probably a common thing.

Honestly, I don't think that Matthew thinks his dad cares about him one way or the other. He was amazed at the fact that my husband hugged him with tears in his eyes when he left to go to rehab. I think that Matthew needs to hear from dad that he does love him, regardless of what he's done. I think that would invoke something as well.

Boy this stuff ain't easy is it?

winnie12

sorry for delay in this but I wanted to put my two cents in even if late. my situation in this is very similar. My ex was also a computer addict. He wasnt my son's bio father but was the only father he knew for many years. My ex left me for a woman in an online reality world (yeah that's some freaky crap there to deal with). My son knows about this and his porn/computer addiction and basically has nothing to say to him and probably never will. I would never force this with him - its his decision to make. My ex also has that same "he needs to just stop it" attitude not realizing that its the kettle calling the pot black. Any critique from my ex would send my AS into complete relapse - i dont even speak of him anymore to my son. Its no different then an alcoholic thinking they are better than a drug addict. If I were you I wouldnt subject my son to that - it just shows hypocracy and that is a very dangerous thing for an addict. My son would see it as a betrayal because he stood by me when my ex did this to me.

Freedom1990

We are as sick as the secrets we keep. This IS a family disease, and it's really going to be a struggle for your AS if you keep things swept under the rug.

I say this as a recovering alcoholic/addict, mother to two ADs, and was married to an AD.

As for them requesting copies of the letters he sent you, I would do it if it were me.

He's going to have to learn to change behaviors if he's got any chance at staying in recovery, and if you don't trust the staff there, then you shouldn't have put your son there.

My parents came for one family session when I was in rehab, and they were so uncomfortable, they never came back.

I was the first in my family to break the cycle of alcoholism/addiction (long history on both sides of the family), and believe me, it presents a unique set of difficult challenges in recovery when the rest of the family doesn't participate and keeps secrets.

I have been incredibly blessed to maintain long-term recovery in spite of my family, and that is the God's honest truth.

hello-kitty

Recovery never feels comfortable at first. That probably goes for the family as well as the addict. Listening to people who had experience with recovery, wasn't going to make my addiction any worse because in order to get better, I had to stop trying to do it my way. Doing things my way was what got me addicted in the first place.

When I started to listen to the advice and the expertise of people who had experience with recovery - the people who had been there and done that, I slowly but surely started to get better.

If I didn't trust them blindly, it wasn't going to work. I guess that is the risk you take when you entrust your life to others. But it's still safer than being an addict on the streets.

Snickers008

I think it's a great sign that your son cut his hair. That IS a big deal in my opinion.

Honestly I think you need to lose your husband ASAP. I understand completely your resistance to including him in any capacity in this recovery process with your son. The very thought is just ridiculous.

I got a bad feeling from what you were saying about the counselor. I would not give her the letters- unless I discussed it with my son and he agreed. My son is in rehab now and they strictly focus on him, like the other poster said above.

I also have this strange feeling that somehow you are going to find your way through this- sooner rather than later. I hope your health is better now because obviously that is critical.

I hope you keep posting with updates on what is going on with you and your family.