baxter

My youngest daughter, age 26 going on 10, just stormed out of the house and left her 6 month old here saying she didn't want her anymore. Of course, first she had to tell me how heartless I was and it was no wonder my middle daughter is an addict the way I treat them. (I know she didn't mean the daughter part.)

Youngest is close to being an alcoholic, like her dad, and I know I can't help that. She has anger issues that are beyond belief, thinks the world should revolve around her, and is incapable of holding jobs for long because she treats people like dirt. She hooked up with a diehard alcoholic and it's been love, hate, live together, move out, for the last 4 years or so. Last time she lived with us it was to get a new start, blah, blah, blah and all she did was make a mess and chase bf around. When she left to move back in with him my husband said she was never allowed to move back in or he would leave. He means it. She has also moved in with her oldest sister a couple times and has done the same thing, sister also says no more. BF isn't physically abusive but his words cut likes knives, sends her into a fury and she is the one who most often reacts physically.

Of course into all this she has to bring a baby. Beautiful little girl and is one of the happiest babies I've ever had. She is precious. When daughter was pregnant she was still on SSI and had to take some counseling classes and they really helped. She was talking about some college courses and was getting some self-esteem. She had to give up SSI when she moved in with boyfriend and signed off services for a year. Now bf is on a tangent that he wants nothing to do with her anymore. Wants her out of the apartment (this is partly her fault in so that she had to go and get drunk a couple weeks ago and do nothing but fight and so on) and yet he tells her she can stay for the baby's sake and then treats her like dirt and makes ugly remark all night. She says she can't take it anymore and needs to get out and she's losing her mind.

So now tonight, I'm heartless because I won't let her move in here and give up my husband for my own daughter, the one I gave birth to. That I don't care about the h##l she is living in. I won't even give her hugs, (used to but then she say I don't want hugs I need help) can't win in that department. She has no girlfriends because they can't stand her for long. She's some one you just can reason with. Said she's not going to work tomorrow (she works 2 days a week at Dollar General), she's quitting and leaving town. I just kinda sat there through the tirade and that ticked her off so she slammed out the door.

I don't know what to do. I do feel kinda heartless and I feel trapped. I'm mad that she doesn't ever attack her dad, who moved back in with his mother and could perfectly well share an apartment with her, and he just gets to drift along with none of this. I've told her to go to the women's shelter uptown and that really made her blow. Almost wish I had that one on film.

Right now my anxiety is so high I think I'm having a heart attack. I guess I just needed someone to talk to. My hubby just doesn't want to hear it anymore.

Freedom1990

I am so sorry for your pain. My 30 year old AD is a rage-aholic, and has used up any amenities at my house. I actually had to get a restraining order on her when I kicked her out after a month.

Please know that you are not alone, and I will surely keep you in my prayers.

I will check in tomorrow morning here at SR and see how you are doing. :ghug :ghug

itisatruth

wow - I can almost hear the pain in your 'voice' and feel your pain from your post....hope you can feel me sending back support and love. It is so hard to be on the receiving end of anger and things that are not your fault, things you have no control over.

You are not heartless; you have done all you have out of love because you are a loving, caring mother. Remember that.

I wish I knew what to say to help your anxiety....I will say this: it is never easy to be the 'fall guy' for their problems. There comes a time -- whether they are a child or a grown adult -- that THEY and THEY alone are responsible for their own happiness/life. Not you, not anyone else. Don't let her put that responsibility on you. It has to be hers.

It might be a hard road to travel for your daughter to realize she is not happy and her life is unmanageable, in order for her to finally want to change it. I hope she finds her way.

But for you, I hope tonight you can spend some time with your husband and enjoy your granddaughter. Take a few (or a thousand) deep breaths and do something to get your mind off what she did tonight. Hugs--

Chino

You're not heartless and you're not trapped. Your world is safe and you have a home. Try saying the serenity prayer every time anxiety comes rushing up on you and remember, you're not alone, you're OK

My prayers are with you.

Thanks2HP

I'm sorry to hear of your problems. I hope your daughter "wakes up" and realizes that she is the problem but I wouldn't bet on it. You seem like a very nice person. I wish I could remove your pain.

You are not heartless. I know it has to be painful to watch her continue on a path of self-destruction. It has to hurt to take the brunt of her anger. Hang in there and do the best you can. Maybe seek some counseling?

I send you love and peace.

Spiritual Seeker

Sometimes The best thing we can do is detach. Although, it must be hard do with a grandbaby that you care about.
Your daughter has problems as you are well aware.
Do your best to detach.

Ann

I am sending hugs too, Baxter, and am sorry you are going through this.

She's 26 years old and refusing to be bullied or guilted by her is the best way to let her grow up. She is capable of working, so maybe she will have to work more to support herself, or get assistance and perhaps go back to counselling, or maybe she will choose none of the above and continue on her journey of self-destruction.

Whatever she chooses, it's not up to you to rescue her from herself, and I think you are wonderful to be taking care of the baby.

By not letting her move back into your home, you avoid the front row seat to her drama and allow her to find a better way.

Hugs

Impurrfect

(((Baxter)))

I agree...you're not heartless, by a long shot.

You got some good advice above, but I just wanted to let you know I care.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

beegee

Hi Baxter,
Sorry your youngest is taking it out on you. You know she is pushing buttons and your not heartless. If you were she wouldn't have left the baby with you..
I don't think I would have had the guts to ever leave my baby with my mom in anger and walk out..but way back then we weren't allowd to do stuff like that!
My daughter says hurtful things also in anger. Later I try sometimes to talk about it with her if I feel it needs attention. Because in the heat of the argument she is way too angry to touch.
I hope she understands your not choosing, and your husband is staying and why he feels like he does. It isn't easy being a mom,,:ghug2

lostparent

Your not heartless like others have said she is just pushing your buttons. It hard to have to listen to them ranting an blaming ..hold on don't blame yourself. :ghug3

Freedom1990

Keeping you in my prayers today, Baxter! :ghug :ghug2

Engife25

I'm sorry you and your family is going through this. Addiction hurts everyone around them. Just do your best and what's right for you and your health and well being, don't use all your energy on her, or you and the rest of the family will suffer. She makes her own choices and you can not stop her from making bad ones.

Best of luck,


R

baxter

Thanks everyone. I can't believe I woke up Saturday and couldn't even get out of bed at first. I've had problems with my sciatic nerve before but never like this. I couldn't stand on my right leg at all. Just had to drag is painfully behind me. Daughter stopped in before work and apologized, like she has a hundred times. I knew she had just gone out and gotten drunk. Said she was going to move in with a guy in town who offered her a place to a stay. He's not a bad guy, missing a few screws, but harmless and tends to take in strays until they move on. Told her that might be a good idea. Knew she was wanting me to say "stay here".

Anyways she knows I can't move my leg and off she goes to work. Find out later she passed out at work at 11:30 and went home and went to bed. Came to get the baby at 3 p.m. and said she didn't think I'd care since I was going to watch the baby until that time anyways. Not a word about how are you. Finally able to sit up today and move a little but that's about it.

Thanks again.

Freedom1990

Take care of yourself, Baxter! :ghug

As a fellow sufferer of sciatica, I can sympathize!

Fortunately I see a pain management specialist and he does steroid injections that knock that horrible sciatica out for 6 months at a time.

BBD

Hi Baxter, Yipes. You really do have your hands full right now. Hopefully your daughter has picked up the baby and has a plan for herself. It's so hard to be in the middle of all this drama when the kids refuse our help in productive ways. My son has moved in and out a few times also and my hubby wouldn't allow it anymore either. I can't live with the stress either. I guess the best thing to do is to sit still and let them work things out by themselves. How many years do we have to give up our lives to pamper them in their shambled messes.......My heart goes out to you and hopfully you'll find some serenity soon. Big hugs hon, Bonnie

mooselips

(((Baxter)))
Youch, I had that sciatica ONCE, and it is really painful!

I think by sticking by your guns, you're making the right decision.
You are helping her enough, just by watching the baby.
It's time for her to make some big changes on her own.

Don't feel bad, she HAS to find her path on her own.

You're a good mom, and grandmom....

BBD

Hi again Baxter, I posted before I read all the thread ....but sure am hoping that you feel better. Not being able to get around certainly can be a pain in the butt....no pun intended there.......also hope things are going along btter for your daughter. She's probably better off moving in with anybody except "US" parents........Smooches, Bonnie