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How I solved the dilema with your help and support

Old 10-30-2008, 08:38 AM
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How I solved the dilema with your help and support

Friends,

For those that read my last post regarding my son wanting assistance in gas, insurance, tags etc. so that he could use his car and take a commission/sales job........here's what happened........

As most of you know he is 10 months clean and has moved to a halfway/treatment center so he does have some sobriety and support.
I talked to the counselor and he said the company that offered my son the
job is established in the area but the job is mostly marketing and commmision only in regards to salary.

In a nutshell this is what happened. He told me my son would be pretty angry about not getting the car and to know that up front. That if I could accept his probably not wanting to communicate for a while with me that I should factor that into my decision.

Therefore........I decided we would NOT send the car. However, IF he continues to search for a job and abide by the rules of the treatment center we will pay for next month's fees at the treatment center and then see how the job hunting is going. Basically, I felt if he couldn't afford the gas he didn't need that particular job. So I stuck to my guns and said no to the car.
Of course I know and accept he probably won't initiate any talking to me for awhile but the counselor said if anything happens that I should be aware of he'll let me know. I really do feel that I did the right thing.

Thanks for listening and any support sent my way.
Dixied
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Old 10-30-2008, 08:52 AM
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Good for you! :ghug

For the longest time I made decisions that were based on not evoking any anger from either of my ADs, and it wasn't the easier way in the end.

I know how difficult it is to make a decision that you know will most likely anger them, yet is in the best interest of everyone.

I had to chuckle at my meeting last night because we were talking about Thanksgiving, and the fact I won't be getting together with my folks this year.

My mom hasn't spoke to me for two months now, yet she will be the first to tell you she doesn't get angry.

Today I'm okay that she's in her 'let's disown the daughter' mode, and am looking forward to a nice Thanksgiving meal at a local church here, and then I'll come home and cuddle with my dogs!
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Old 10-30-2008, 08:59 AM
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Dixied...tough decision to make but seems like the right one, especially with helping out with fees next month. I've been in that spot before and if I sense my AS is honestly trying..I'll help him.

Prayers for both of you.

Freedom --enjoy the dinner and hug those dogs. I hope my son whose on the street gets a dinner at a shelter.
Good Attitude!!!
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Old 10-30-2008, 09:00 AM
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Good for you Dixied! In the long run many times saying no is the best thing for them. I take my parenting cues from my HP as it is the truest parent/child relationship. When i ask Him for something his answers are yes, no, or wait. So I figure if He can say No or Wait then so can I.
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Old 10-30-2008, 09:16 AM
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one thing I did do for myself was not allow myself to feel "pressured" to make a decision right then and there like I think he would have wanted. Most of the times in the past I just gave in. This time I didn't. I stopped and thought about the whole picture.........and that picture is that he is 32, ten months clean, college education, and even if job opportunities are tight right now there has to be a job out there with a weekly salary that doesn't require a car especially with the MARTA system a block away. So in my heart I didn't percieve this as throwing him to the wolves and taking away all support.especially if we are open to helping with next month's fees.
So I feel better with the turmoil removed...........even if he doesn't call for a bit..........my thanks to all, dixied
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Old 10-30-2008, 09:22 AM
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(((Dixied)))

I'm so PROUD of you!!!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 10-30-2008, 10:00 AM
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I think you made the best choice, all things considered.
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Old 10-30-2008, 11:05 AM
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Good for you dixied! I liked how you stopped and looked at the whole picture and that it included yourself
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Old 10-30-2008, 12:45 PM
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Way to go Dixied~~Good decision on your part. Your going to be helping him so there's no reason for your son to be upset. HE just needs to find another job and this time live by your standards......Hugs, Bonnie
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Old 10-30-2008, 02:30 PM
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A couple of weeks ago my daughter saw a cheap car in the paper that she wanted. The only problem was she does not have the money and poor credit so I would have had to co-sign. I just said no. She does not need a car. She has her bf and she can get a ride from me. Plus the fact that she lives 3 blocks from her job and is too much of a princess to walk just does not sit well with me. I walked 5 miles before to a job when I was without transportation. So you did good. Time for him to grow up. Hugs, Marle
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Old 10-31-2008, 08:02 AM
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I (her and I) took the plates off my daughters car and turned them in this time so fees wouldn't come up. She couldn't pay for insurance so it's parked. Of course now she is using mine to go to work and this week hopefully she will get insurance and tags back because she can afford to do so now.
Good decision on your part and sure he won't be happy but your right about the finances and it is to ify! Good choice!!!!!
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Old 10-31-2008, 10:25 AM
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I'm proud of you, very proud!

You son is smart and resourceful. ALL addicts are, whether recovering or not. I love it when I get the opportunity to say to my recovering AD, "I have a very smart daughter and I know you'll figure it out."

Way to go, Dixied. Your recovery is looking mighty good on you! :c008P

And prayers for your son as he continues to find his way.

Hugs,
Hangin' In
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Old 10-31-2008, 05:34 PM
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((((Dixied)))) I think you made a well thoguht out decision...your progress in helping yourself to feel better is really showing. Personally, I think it was a very wise decision too. Hugs
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Old 10-31-2008, 10:55 PM
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Never do for them what they can do for themselves.
It is not up to us to clean up the wreckage of their past.

I like the way you are being supportive with his sobriety w/o taking on his responsibilities.
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