splendra

When someone says something to me that really just ticks me off and I get furious what does that mean?

Does it mean the person saying what makes me mad is some how bad or trying to make me angry?

How can words propel me into a blaming angry tirade? What if the person who said the words did not intend to push anybodies button and I take it out on them?

Impurrfect

I don't know what it means, but I do know that when I react like that, someone has usually pushed a button with me.

I've had to apologize, more than a few times, to people who pushed a button and didn't have any idea. Fortunately, I'm getting better at realizing it, but not always.

Don't know that this helps any, but you are definitely not alone.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

winnie12

I dont know about you but I get the most angry at these two things:
1. when someone says some thing about me that is true and is something that i feel bad about or am in denial over, i.e., "you focus on the negative more than the positive." the truth hurts in these cases.
2. when someone says something about me that is untrue and something that i work hard for and take pride in, i.e., "you're a bad mom." they are just trying to hurt in this case.

I can typically tell the difference afterwards by reviewing the argument - were they were trying to explain something like their feelings (1) or were they trying to deflect something off of themselves (2).

painter

I find I have alot of anger issues. But probably that is because I am just so overwhelmed. But people will ask me about my situtation and then I will tell them the short of it and then they make no comment. I just feel that no one really cares. And on the inside I keep looking for someone to fix the problem and of course no one can. Anger. yes. It is just not like me.

outtolunch

I try to focus on why I allow words ( regardless of the intent) to make me feel hurt/angry and it's usually because they confirm my own self doubts.

sknyfats

Yeah - anger is one of those things I've struggled with - and continue to today. In reality - it's not someone else who angers us, or hurts us, or even makes us feel good. WE are the ones who control all of those feelings - and the subsequent actions.

When we say "She made me angry", or "she makes me sad" - we're giving away some of our "personal power"; something the other person doesn't even want from us usually. As to WHY we feel a certain way - that's where the work on ourselves comes in. We need to identify why we felt a certain way when heard something. Did our expectations get smashed? Did someone say something truthful that we are afraid to admit? Are we just flat out scared?

So many different things to ponder & look into. I do so well when I keep all of the above in mind. Unfortunately, I fail often - as I am right now - and am hurting "because of another" - even though I'm hurting because of "me". I have work to do & choices to make in order to make myself feel better.

No one - and no drug - can or will do any of that for me.

winnie12

I want to mention one point we sometimes forget. Anger in itself is not bad - it can be justified sometimes. It can be a feeling to trigger us when a wrong is being commited to us or someone else - it can cause us to protect and defend when warranted. So I dont think of my anger as being the problem unless its not justified. What can be bad is how we deal with or relate to our anger.

I've been told constantly from my AS that i'm always mad - I used to apologize for it all the time but now after hearing this for so long I finally realized I was mad and it was for dang good reason - of course I'm mad - you're destroying your life. Had I been a patsy and never gotten mad I'm not sure he would be alive right now. Admittedly sometimes my anger got the best of me and I overreacted. So now I'm not trying to keep from getting mad just trying to control how I act when I get mad.

I also dont believe everything I'm told anymore - especially from an addict who has a life that is completely out of control - that actually keeps my unreasonable anger in check quite a bit.

BayAreaPhoenix

I am learning there are different types of anger.

Being angry is not always "inappropriate". We live together as a society, and when your feelings have been hurt for the umpteenth time, or you have been disregarded and disrespected for the umpteenth time - I think anger can set in. And, IMO, that's not a bad thing. It's sort of wake up call. For me, I finally got done being hurt by my AH, I finally started getting angry at his inability and unwillingness to be a partner. I wasn't being unreasonable. It was this anger that started clearing up the picture for me. I started to see things for what they were... It was helpful.

Then there's the kind of anger, where I just snap. Which I think might be more what you were talking about.

Last Friday was one of those days. I had to do a conference call with my boss and book-keeper. First of all I felt like it was a waste of time to include me, we didn't need 3 of us on the phone, it was ultimately the book-keeper's job with the OK from our boss. Then I wanted to see what we were going to be speaking to (I wanted the piece of paper) in front of me, and my boss said no - just take notes. Well, I got angry. I snapped at him and told him if I want to look at the piece of paper while we were on the phone why couldn't I. I know it wasn't him. He can be a micro-managing control freak sometimes (not often), and normally I can work with it or around it, but by Friday I was maxed out.

I knew it was an over-reaction, and I didn't feel good about my reaction, so I thought about why I had snapped. I was feeling overwhelmed and out of control on so many little things - too many people in my life had needed too much of me all week, and I was fried. I hadn't been taking care of me. That was the big wake up call. I needed some alone recharging time.

I feel much better after eating right, walks, plenty of sleep, meditation and a meeting.

splendra

Well I have to confess something I have turned the scenario around on this. I am the person that says things that get angry responses.

I feel like I can't even say what's on my mind around most of the people I know because I might say something that makes people mad. I can't be real with hardly anyone any more. I feel like an alien.

I feel a lot like I am dying....

BayAreaPhoenix

Oh Splendra. I've been there too. When it starts happening to me, I ask questions, make sure I DON'T, no matter how much I want to, contribute too much to a conversation... I just keep asking questions and listening. This might not be the right way to go about it, but I feel like once that cycle starts I can't seem to stop it any other way, and then all of a sudden, I can tell - that cycle is broken and I can converse again.

AND, I have also learned, there is just no pleasing some people, and for those people I just continue to ask questions, listen and not contribute too much to a conversation. Some people just look for reasons to be mad, and that's not my fault or my words or anything... They're just messed up and it's their issues. I don't particularly want a close relationship with those kinds of people, they take too much energy, so it's not much effort to keep it at a distance.

Hope you "keep talking" around here!!!!!

Ann

Oh, Splendra, that touched a nerve because when that happens to me I get very angry and upset too....because I need validation, not anger, not twisting my words to make them mean something entirely different, but simple validation.

In my house, Mr. Ann is a terrific man in most ways but he doesn't do well in the "feelings communication" area. No matter how calmly I try to talk about my feelings, keeping it about me and not accusing him, at best he will listen (because he knows I'll be furious if he doesn't) and then not respond with anything helpful. He can handle me telling him how I feel, but he feels no need to validate that by taking time to talk about it.

What helps me is to recognize that my feelings are about me but his reaction (or lack of it) is about him and I can't expect him to be what he is not.

So I come to SR and share, or I call a friend and go for a coffee, or I take my cat for a walk and just work my feelings out another way.

I don't know if this helps, but the only way I know how to respond to this is to share how it works for me.

Hugs

Latte

I'm human. That is what it means to me.

It's not about those feelings, it's about what I do about the feelings.

I don't take my anger out on others, I take them out on the pavement/treadmill.

greeteachday

It's a difficult thing not to be able to be real. I have found I have changed a lot of my relationships as I work on me. I have found some to be toxic...I was always changing me to keep the other person from getting angry or nagging or whatever. I've weeded out those people...sometimes it means I am alone instead, but I'm good with that. I feel at peace with myself so being alone isn't lonely.
I hope you will continue to be real here, (((((Splendra)))))) I get so much out of what you share. Thank you

splendra

I put my anger to good use when I feel it I clean or something. I guess I am in a toxic pit of yuck of my own making.

Maybe I am the one who needs to get angry; angry enough to get something done.

Impurrfect

gee...maybe I need to get angry, so I can clean up

Good to see you smiling!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy