Help- I am so confused
 

I am so confused. My AS is supposed to be in recovery. He attends an intensive outpatient program 3 times a week and has individual counseling once a week. I know when he is using and I'm quite sure he is still using. Of course when I confront him he denies it and gets very defensive. He says that I am the only one "bringing him down" and that I am a trigger making him want to use because I talk about it all the time. Why do you think he would go to these meetings and still continue to use on a regular basis?? Should I continue to question him or just let him do whatever and hope he gets something useful out of the meetings? Sometimes I want to tell him to stop wasting everyones time and stop helping him but then I'm hoping that just showing up at the meetings will somehow help him. I never know if I'm helping him or enabling him.

You are not the cause of his using.

If you want to know the truth, test him.

(((Lostsoul)))

Welcome to SR!

Did he make the choice to go into recovery, willingly? The reason I ask, is some people make that choice to get out of worse consequences.

As far as why he would still use, it's because he thinks he can get away with it. He may be wanting to convince others he's in recovery, but still wants what he wants.

As out to lunch said, nothing you do or say will make him use or not use.

The best thing to do is focus on you. If you don't like his behavior, make some boundaries and stick to them. I know it's easier said than done, but you don't have to put up with his behaviors if you don't want to.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

It took other moms who had more experience than me to tell me a few things about my son:

Even if he's not using, he still may have "using behaviors."

If I had confirmation that he was using again, what difference would it make? If he's acting inappropriately or crossing some of my boundaries, I need to take action ~ the action that is right for me.

Those wise moms also told me that nothing I say or don't say will make him use or not use. He uses because he's an addict.

Rehab takes time. I did best when I poured myself into Al Anon meetings and reading a ton of recovery literature. I had to keep the focus on me and not on him. (and I've had more than one "him")

Hugs from mom to mom
Cats

As someone else said, test him and set up boundries. It's not easy to do especially if one of the consequences is that he can no longer live with you.

He wants to use because he's a recovering addict and will do so if he thinks he can get away with it. AlAnon is a great program that will teach you a lot about not only yourself but your son. A large learning for me was identifying between helping and enabling...not always a clear delineation.

Best wishes to you and your family and welcome to SR.

Sounds to me like he is still in denial and just doing what he thinks will get people off his back. but even if he is just going through the motions you never know when it might sink in. I found just focusing on my life helped to keep the blame from coming back to me. I knew my AS was still using - so did his counselor and PO but they just told me to sit back and wait because eventually he would get caught redhanded. from what they told me its pretty typical behavior. Once I finally realized it was his life and his choices he slacked up on blaming me so much (still blames but not as much).

My 18 yo AS went to an outpatient program 3 times a week also. He went because that was a requirement for him to live at home. Once he figured out that the program was testing him for Opiates instead of the more sensitive test for his DOC Oxycontin, he started using also. Once I became aware that there were different tests for different drugs, etc. I purchased a 12 panel drug test. It became apparent that he was still using when I started testing him every 2 days.

He is now in a residential rehab because that is a requirement for him to be able to live at home. He would not have gone on his own. He did admit to needing help, but I can tell from his attitude that he is still not recovering. He is not using, but he is not recovering. However, that is and always will be a boundary for him to be able to live at home. No drugs allowed!

One thing that somebody told me is that he is still learning tools to use when he is ready.

lagrutke, same here. my son was in the hospital a year ago - i asked them to run a drug test which came back clean. I was so proud of him but when i told him, he said - yeah i knew pot would show up so i started taking lsd. it took several doctors to assist me in picking my jaw up off the floor.

lostsoul25,
Do whatever makes you comfortable.

When my sons lived at home, especially the oldest, he had to move because of his extending my boundaries, and being argumentative. Was it because he was using? Didn't matter much to me, you live here, you're drug free, and someone I WANT to live with.

IMO, it makes no sense to ask if they're using, they get all arky-barky, and deny it anyway.


Hugs....

-wouldn't the outpaitent palce test him. I know most outpaitent places randomly test people.

If he is getting financial help from you in any way that is reason enough for him to keep going to IOP. He knows he can't make it on his own and will the things he needs to do to keep you where he wants you to be, namely helping him. If you think he is using, the only thing that you can do is stop helping him. Set some boundaries around the things that you will and will not do for him and then get out of the way. As others have said he will get caught eventually. Hugs, Marle